It's Not All Gold That Glitters

I have spent the last five hours painstakingly removing the lights from my previously "pre-lit" Christmas tree. We had a good run, my lovely skinny tree and me. But, all good things must come to an end and it's not all gold that glitters (or burned out Christmas lights for that matter!). It was a wonderful idea at the time, this tree of mine. Pre-lit...what a glorious revelation. No more untangling lights and lassoing them around the tree. It was glorious. Until...one by one the bulbs blew darkening each strand. The last couple years, I just slapped another strand over the "dead" strand. But, this year, all the lights grew dim.

This led to the decision that stole an entire day of my Christmas break. The old lights had to go. When I began this project, I didn't know that each strand was wrapped and attached with a bracket around every single branch of my seven-and-a-half foot tree. So, while I sat for five hours knee-deep in fake pine needles and cut-up strands of Christmas lights, I had plenty of time to reflect on this year's celebration of our Savior's birth.

It has been a lovely time of celebrating and the memories brought a smile to my face (which was really helpful, since I started to think I might hurt someone about two hours into this Christmas tree debacle). We spent Christmas Eve at church singing and focusing on the birth of Jesus. After church, we shared laughs and yummy food at Tim's mom's house. There were other times with Tim's dad and Sarah...my brother and Megan, Tim's grandmothers and aunts. Lots of laughs and lots and lots of yummy food!

But Christmas morning...that was something. I had a nasty bout of bronchitis that made breathing difficult. Preparing Christmas dinners had to be arranged around breathing treatments (something I had given to my kids often in the past sixteen years, but never experienced myself!)

We had purchased a Wii for our children among other gifts. But that was THE big surprise. When they opened it, they were excited and surprised. We took out all the parts and Timothy set them up. We laughed as we designed each character to look like members of our family! Then, when the kids inserted the game that came with the system, it just displayed this error sign. Everything we did...following directions, troubleshooting, etc....the error sign filled the screen. They couldn't play the game on this brand new system!

Next...I burned the cinnamon rolls. They were just the Pillsbury kind, even...nothing great. But, I burned them. Disappointment swept in and I went into the garage for a minute, feeling the frustration rise. Then, it hit me how silly it would be to allow these little things to steal my joy. So, Christmas morning wasn't perfect. So, the game didn't work. We could take it back the next day and get one that worked correctly. So, I burned the cinnamon rolls. There was a plethora of delicious food awaiting our senses and filling my kitchen. So...the things of this world didn't satisfy us. So what?

I walked into the front room, and my kids said, "Mom...thanks so much for the Wii. It will be so fun to play tomorrow! What a great surprise!"

My husband hugged me and said the cinnamon rolls were fine.

They hadn't let these little things steal their joy. And, I wasn't going to either! These were little things compared to the suffering in this world...little, trivial, not-even-worth-mentioning things. They didn't change the reason for our celebration. Jesus came to save us. He came! And He has blessed us greatly with a beautiful family, amazing friends, and love and grace overflowing in our lives.

I did exchange the Wii for one that works the day after Christmas...and it IS way fun! But, it's not nearly as much of a blessing as it has been just to share this precious time with my sweet family. I just love these people...and I can't believe that God has given us to one another to walk through this life with. And...He has given us a Savior who even now prepares a place in eternity for us. What could be better than that?

Merry Christmas 2009

*Music performed by Tim and I along with others on the Harvest worship team (and congregation in the background).

Stopping

There is so much hustle and bustle this time of year. So much to set our eyes upon, so much noise to fill our ears, so many thoughts to clutter our minds.

Don't get me wrong. I love it. I love Christmas and all of it's splendor. Love the celebration of the birth of our Savior. Love the season. Love the time with family and friends. Love the fun and traditions that are passed down in our family from generation to generation. And... love the new traditions we've added to the mix. I even love buying gifts for my children, and those we love.

I don't, however, love the frenzy that overtakes us every year. I say that I will resist it. Annually, in fact, I vow that I will not allow the madness to sweep us into it's clutches. I won't run around missing the joy of what's happening to "get it all done". I won't stress about buying gifts and spending money. I won't burden us with unnecessary obligations and time commitments. I won't miss the beauty of the one True Gift...that Jesus came. I will not miss it.

And...

Every year, inevitably, there are potlucks and school/work gift exchanges, family dinners, expectations, baking, cooking, cleaning, shopping, running, millions of things filling my already-quite-scattered mind that quickly come upon us. Before I know it, the frenzy has overtaken us, and I am a very tired mama, wondering how I let this happen again. The excitement is fun. The celebrating with those we love...that is a gift. But, the stress is not.

The reality is that there IS much to do. This past week, I slept little and raced around much. I was feeling especially exhausted and many concerns were heavy on my mind yesterday after our school/work Christmas Party (and incidentally our last day before Christmas break - Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!). James had the cookies for his school party, and his gift exchange, but I forgot to put his homework back into his bag after signing it. I still have gifts to buy for several people on my list. Shipments need to go out again soon for Sufficient Grace - so many grieving hearts. There are scheduling conflicts for some of our family dinners. Who is coming? Who can't make it? When will Tim and I have a minute to sit down and work on songs for Worship? We are out of cereal. A family needs a Dreams of You Basket for their baby girl whose funeral is Sunday. This is the kind of random craziness that was rolling around in my mind. And the ache of tiredness was seeping in.

I pulled into the post office to check the ministry mail and to (finally) send out my Christmas cards. It had been a few days since I stopped. And there were two envelopes in the box.The first one was a Christmas card from sweet Jennifer that held a picture of her beautiful boys. It brought a smile to my weary face.

And, when I opened the second. I finally stopped.





I stopped to let the tears flow...

I stopped to remember them...

I stopped to envision the joy on their faces as they look into the eyes of their Savior...

I stopped to let the gift of it all wash over me...

The gift from Jess, another mom who has said good-bye to her babies, and finds hope in the promise of heaven and comfort in the fact that Jesus holds her babies until she is allowed to hold them once more...

The gift that came in an envelope...

The gift made with the hands of a grieving mother, a mother who took the time to remember the names of three more babies and the years of their first Christmases in heaven, even as she longs for her own little one. She remembers the names of MY babies. She knows that they were here.

And, she knows this...


Better is one day in Your courts, than thousands elsewhere...(Psalm 84:10)

She knows that the greatest gift can't be found in a store...that what He's already given us is more precious than anything on this earth.

The greatest gift came wrapped not in tinsel and shiny paper, but with swaddling clothes and lying in a lowly manger. A Savior who is Christ the Lord.

This morning, I awoke with a song in my heart ("Go Tell it On the Mountain", in case you're wondering.) I looked out the window, and I stopped again.



I closed my eyes and remembered the first snowfall so many years ago...a gift from heaven above, just like the picture before me this morning.

Then, during devotions the Lord whispered this verse to my heart, just in case the frenzy sweeps in once more to steal my peace...

Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him. - Matthew 6:8

And...I stopped again. Whatever is on my heart and mind today...God sees and knows, and He will take care of it.

We serve a God who loves us enough to stop our frenzy and make sure that we don't miss the gifts He's given us.

Praying that you will be able to stop this Christmas and that you will not miss one gift sent to you from our Father in Heaven...especially the greatest gift of all...given for you...His precious Son.

Christmas Tour of Homes 2009

Please click here to visit The Nester and view other homes on the tour.

I'm so excited to participate in my second Christmas Tour of Homes. I so enjoyed "visiting" everyone last year on the tour. And, it was nice to get some visits here, as well. Unfortunately, I'm a little rushed this year, so let's get right to it, shall we?



Welcome to our simple little home. Although we love Christmas here at the Gerken residence, we don't have a lot of fancy decorations. Most of what we have has little monetary value, but holds great sentimental value to us. I believe a Christmas tree should tell the story of a family. And, ours certainly does. To read more about some of our ornaments and the meaning behind them, please click here.



Come on in to the kitchen. Things are a little busy here, these days. So, please overlook our dust and crumbs. You'll notice my little Christmas card tree in the corner. I borrowed this idea from our very own BooMama, after I fell in love with hers on last year's tour.



Aren't these wreaths cute? My boys each had the same wonderful second grade teacher. Although they are many years apart in age, they both made a wreath for me for Christmas when they were seven. These are two of my favorite Christmas decorations. Things are just all the more special when made with the hands of those we love.




"What is that on the table, looking so yummy?" you ask.




Why that's just a few goodies left over from Gerken Baking Day 2009. Please have one... or two even. We have plenty! Chocolate really does make everything better...at least for a few minutes! =) And, if that doesn't cure it, some laughter and fellowship with dear friends takes care of the rest.




I'm so glad you stopped by for a little visit, but I really can't let you go without sharing the reason for the joy in my heart during this season of celebration. I'll leave you with the Willow Tree nativity set given to me by my sweet mother on our last Christmas together, and the reason it means so much to me.



For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of His government and peace
There will be no end...
Isaiah 9:6-7a

Some of you may have read this before. I've shared it here more than once... but I'm so grateful Jesus came for us, I just want to share it again and again and again. I'll post the end below, but I encourage you to click here to read Because He Came in it's entirety. It tells our story, a picture of His grace and evidence that He makes beauty from ashes.

From Because He Came...
More than two thousand years ago, the world ached for salvation, swelled with yearning for deliverance, redemption, restoration...for a Savior to rescue from sin and death. And He came...a baby King, born in a lowly stable on a quiet night to a peasant girl and her betrothed...a carpenter. He was in the still, small voice when He whispered past Elijah. And He was in the quiet stable birth when He came to rescue us and sent His angels to tell the lowly shepherds the good news.

His name is Jesus...and He came for me.

His name is Jesus...and He came for you.

And Because He came...there is hope for tomorrow and a promise of a joyful, forever reunion. He will wipe away all of the tears and wash away the loss and regret. He will cleanse and forgive and clothe us in robes of white. The empty arms will be filled. The hungry hearts will be fed. Brokenness will be restored. Mourning will be turned to dancing. And sin and death will be no more.

Because He came...He will carry us through this life.

And because He came...He will come again...in all His glory...to take us home.

© Kelly Gerken, Sufficient Grace Ministries 2008-2009

That, my friends, is the reason for my joy. Thanks for stopping by...

A Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to you!

Happy touring...

SURPRISE ~ WINNER(S) ANNOUNCED

You know, I used to teach preschool (well, maybe you didn't know that, but you do now!)

Anyhoo...

Do you know what's great about playing games in preschool?

EVERYONE WINS!!!!!!!!!

So....

I've decided, that every boy-mama who commented on my last post will receive one of these beautiful Hallmark ornaments in memory of her baby boy!

SOOOO....

If you are one of the boy-mamas who commented here, email me your address at: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com and I will ship your ornament this weekend.


Christmas blessings to all of you...may you find comfort and peace as the Lord carries you in His loving arms this Christmas and in the coming year.

Walking With You Winners...AND Another Giveaway!!!

COMMENTS CLOSED: WINNER WILL BE POSTED SOON

Hello...just thought I'd take a minute to announce the winners of our Walking With You Christmas Giveaway. Whew...by the time I counted those who commented, those who participated, and those who encouraged others on their blogs (after stopping here first) there were more than 140 entries in our Walking With You Giveaway! I was so blessed to visit each of you on this walk, to read the ways you remember your loved ones in heaven, and to pray for you. Thank you so much for sharing your memories with us.

And the Winners are...

Jess - the Beauty Will Rise CD
Kimberly - the Beauty Will Rise CD
Holly - Creations from the Heart Bracelet
Kathryn - Someday Heaven
Caroline - Mommy, Please Don't Cry
Debbie - Memorial Ornament (will be purchasing this week, so it may be a surprise - ordered one has not yet arrived.)

Congratulations...I hope these gifts are a blessing to you! If your name was written above, please email me: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com with your address so that I can ship your gift.

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That was fun...so much fun, in fact that I thought we'd just keep on giving! Remember my mommy-guilt? Well, I was looking for an ornament today for sweet Thomas and I found the sweetest one at the Hallmark store. I just fell in love with it. So, I purchased one for Thomas... and one for you!


(Please disregard the golf ball in the picture. Those pesky golf balls are everywhere! I think I even have at least one in my purse!)

It's hard to see in the picture, but, on the base of the candle above where the baby is laying, it says: Sleep in Heavenly Peace. I thought it was just right!



(The light from the candle blurred the picture a little when I hung it on the tree.But, it's beautiful "in real life".)
I only found a little boy ornament today, so this giveaway is just for mamas who have a baby boy in heaven. To enter the giveaway, just leave a comment here letting me know you'd like one. (Sorry about that. A baby girl ornament would have been lovely too!)

Introducing... One Way

Finally...

after months of agonizing...

prayerfully considering...

wanting to choose just the right name for our little band...

it has been settled.

We have a name.

It may or may not be just the right name...

but it is the one we finally decided on.

Drum roll please...

Ladies and Gentleman...Without further adieu, I give you...

One Way



I wanted to share a picture from last night's Christmas Praise Night at Harvest. But, sadly I forgot my camera. I am hoping someone else took pictures because I did see some flashes. If so, I'll share it here. Even better, if someone recorded a portion of our little performance, that would be great. We really need to get a camcorder (or whatever they call those fancy digital thingys they have now!). The above picture is from our performance this summer at the Corn City Festival.

So...about last night. It was amazing. I love listening to Christmas songs, singing Christmas songs, listening to my husband as he sings Christmas songs. It was a beautiful time of worship as the choir sang, soloists sang, children played piano, guitar, and other instruments. It was just good and lovely and all about the celebrating the glorious fact that Jesus came for us.

This morning, I awakened with thoughts about last night, as I often do. I don't like that I'm a replayer of events, but I am. I replay things, and wonder if I should've said this or that. This is something God's working on in me...urging me to give it over to Him, and not worry about my own "performance". This morning, I'm not really wallowing in regret or anything. Mostly, I'm just thinking with a smile how awesome and full of grace God is. And, I'm kind of wishing I would have shared that last night.

We did three songs last night: God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, O Come All Ye Faithful, and O Holy Night. For God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, we used the folksy-rock sounding version of the Sarah McLaughlin (and a band whose name I'd rather not mention, because their name sounds less than holy and pure... =), with our own twist of course. And the last two Tim played the electric guitar with an upbeat rock tempo. When Tim changed guitars in between songs, I was supposed to fill the space by talking a little.

Well, I forgot to bring the poem and scripture that I was going to share in that little time-filler. So, I was left instead to try and fill the space, with the stuff rolling around in my scattered brain. Even though I'm quite a talker...I drew a blank. So... I just kind of stood there talking about how I couldn't really think of much to say, so I'd just ramble on about nothing for a minute!

This morning when I woke up, I was thinking about that...thinking about the amazing things God has done in our lives. And, I thought of what I should've said in those couple minutes of rambling. And...since I have a blog, I thought I'd share it here.

What I should've said:

We have been having way too much fun playing together the past several months! It has been such a blessing. And...can I just say this? The four of us standing here together...this is a picture of grace. We've known each other since we were kids...and we were ornery kids. We loved music and have played/sang since we were kids. (Tim and Dave even played together in the "famous", Stage Fright and BAB!). Back then, we played and sang for our own glory...but today we play and sing for His glory. Each one of us has a story of sin and redemption, of brokenness and restoration. Not every part of every story has to be told...and that's how it should be. What matters in this one, is that it ends with redeeming grace. Or maybe that's just the beginning of the story.

We named our little group One Way, because there is only one way toward redemption, only one way for salvation...and that path is through Jesus Christ. One of our favorite verses is John 14:6: Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me." Jesus made a way for us...and I'm so grateful that He came to save us on that holy night.

Then, we would've closed with O Holy Night...wouldn't that have been just right? Maybe, but it didn't happen that way. Instead, I stood there while crickets chirped as Tim tuned his guitar. That's O.K., though. Because, as I said...it's not about my glory...not about me doing it just right, or saying it just right. It's about His glory...and man is it just a humbling, unspeakable gift to be allowed to be used by the Lord at all. The truth is, if I would've said all of that, I would've probably collapsed into a puddle, because the grace covering us just means more than I can even say. The places we have walked to get to this place of standing beside each other, lifting our voices in worship to our God...thinking of it melts me. Maybe, I didn't need to say it. Maybe, just the picture was enough. And, hopefully...whenever anyone sees that picture...and hears those voices...they just see Him and hear Him. Because, really each of our stories are His story. We are His.

He is the writing our stories, and He isn't finished yet. I can't wait to read the next chapter!




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The Walking With You Christmas giveaway winners will be announced within the next couple days or so. There's still time to enter. Just comment on this post. You will also be able to continue to link posts until Christmas, even after the giveaway is over. I have been so blessed to read the ways you remember your loved ones at Christmas. Thank you to those of you who shared your hearts so beautifully. It is truly a privilege to walk with each of you.

Remembering At Christmas

CONTEST IS OVER!!! WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED SOON! You are still welcome to comment and/or link your memories here until Christmas. Thank you so much to those who participated.

UPDATED PRAYER REQUEST: Please pray for the Henninger Family. Kimberly's firstborn son, Hudson was born still at 30 weeks. They are now expecting again(10wks.), and facing another possible difficult pregnancy diagnosis.

If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time. If you do not have a blog or do not wish to link a post, you may leave your Christmas memories in the comments below. If you do a post on your blog, come back and link up on the MckLinky following this post.

Everyone who participates and/or leaves a comment on this post, will be eligible to win our Christmas Memory Giveaway. For grieving moms, we are giving a copy of the amazing Beauty Will Rise CD, a copy of the book Mommy Please Don't Cry, and a beautiful Creations from the Heart memorial bracelet (available exclusively from Sufficient Grace Ministries)...so three different moms are eligible to win. There are also three eligible prizes that could be for someone who has experienced loss at any age: a copy of the CD Beauty Will Rise (because I think it would comfort ANY grieving heart), the book Someday Heaven, and a Merry Christmas From Heaven ornament (if the ornament arrives in time...otherwise, I may have to replace with another memorial ornament).Each person gets one prize...so 6 people will win!

How to enter:
1. Leave a comment on this post.
2. Participate by linking a post (this gives an additional entry)
3. An additional entry will be given for every comment left on the posts that link up on our MckLinky.(I will be visiting the blogs who link with this post and tallying comments left. You must comment here to enter first, though so I know you would like to be included.)

I am Spending Christmas With Jesus Christ This Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With Heaven's Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it's far beyond description
Just to hear the angels sing!

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I'm not so very far away;
We're really not apart.

So be happy for me, Dear Ones,
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

I send you each a special gift
From my Heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love!

After all, Love is The Gift
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
As my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings
Or the love He has for you!

So have a Merry Christmas,
And wipe away that tear,
Remember ...
I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

~ author unknown ~



I love the poem above. Such a beautiful message that seems to come straight from heaven. Although we are here missing our sweet babies and others we love, they are spending Christmas in all of heaven's splendor with the very King we celebrate during this season of hope. And because He came, we have great hope.

How do we remember our babies (Faith, Grace, and Thomas) who are in heaven?

Each year, we fill three shoeboxes with gifts for Operation Christmas Child, which we then donate to the pile of boxes collected by our church for their annual donation. We fill two little girl boxes in memory of Faith and Grace and one little boy box in memory of our Thomas. It is a small thing, but it blesses me to be able to buy some little gifts in their memory and give them to another child in hopes that it will bring some joy. It is something tangible we can do to remember them every year.

Christmas ornaments hold so many memories. Every year, we take them out and remember when our children made this or that, we remember where and why we bought this one, and think about what each one signifies. They sort of tell the story of our families. During the early years after our babies went Home, there were ornaments chosen in memory of each child. Faith and Grace were born still so close to Christmas (November 3rd) that we received many ornaments in their memory. Here are a few of my favorites, in no particular order.

Thomas' gold angel and his ornament with his name. Although, I probably wouldn't have called him Tom. After doing this post, I decided we needed to add some better ornaments for Thomas.



We were going to do a Noah's Ark theme for Faith and Grace's nursery. A dear friend, and the mother of my best friend from high school gave us this ornament the first Christmas we spent without our little girls.



Not long after Faith and Grace went Home, our sweet baby cousin (about 18 mos.), Corbin also went Home after complications from a congenital heart defect. His mommy and daddy gave us this ornament. Another friend also gave us the same one. We love them both.


Amazingly, there seemed to be many of the twin angel ornaments that year...or maybe it was just that we noticed them for the first time. The parents of two little girls from my home daycare gave us this musical ornament.




Mom and I searched endlessly for two ornaments that really captured the spirit of our little girls that first year. I fell in love with these two little girls swinging on swings and playing their harps in heaven.




O.K....I'm having mommy guilt that the girls have so many. Poor Thomas...I will be doing some shopping for his ornament this Christmas. (Glad there's no mommy-guilt in heaven!)

Now on to my mama who is probably decorating her corner of heaven as we speak (blog). She loved Christmas...yes, I know I've already told you that a thousand times. Her tea sets are all over my house. She loved those,too. Below is an ornament that was given to me by my friend, Stacie, after mom's passing. It is filled with dried flowers from her funeral.



Prior to mom's last Christmas with us, I went over to her house and put up her Christmas tree. She laid on the couch just beside me as I took out each ornament. We shared the memory wrapped in each one and laughed as we remembered the stories behind them. Mom loved to make things, and every year, she would have a new hand made item (or items) to add to the tree. Every year had a theme. It was like watching the story of her life. That's what a Christmas tree should be. Now, several of those ornaments grace my tree... they are part of my story.

There was the year of the hand-painted wooden ornaments...


The year of the clothespin angels...


The first ornaments that graced her tree back in the seventies (can't you tell?)...


The beginning of the mauve years...


One of my personal favorites...macaroni angel...oh yeah...you can make an angel out of anything!


The cross stitch frame that mom gave to my brother's fourth grade teacher (who was also my fourth grade teacher) many moons ago. The Christmas before last, that same teacher who is now my co-worker, gave it to me for Christmas. She said it had been part of her Christmas decorations every year and she wanted me to have it. It was like receiving a piece of my mom. Every little piece means so much.


This ornament must have also been part of the year of the cross stitch...


This was one of the purchases from the Mauve-lovin' Hills store shopping trip...


The year of the ceramics...oh my lands, how she loved the ceramic store when it was still here. She was a ceramic-painting fool...and pretty good at it, too...


My Angel topper...she bought it for me on one of our famous pre-Christmas shopping trips...


From Because He Came by Kelly Gerken...

More than two thousand years ago, the world ached for salvation, swelled with yearning for deliverance, redemption, restoration...for a Savior to rescue from sin and death. And He came...a baby King, born in a lowly stable on a quiet night to a peasant girl and her betrothed...a carpenter. He was in the still, small voice when He whispered past Elijah. And He was in the quiet stable birth when He came to rescue us and sent His angels to tell the lowly shepherds the good news.

His name is Jesus...and He came for me.

His name is Jesus...and He came for you.

And Because He came...there is hope for tomorrow and a promise of a joyful, forever reunion. He will wipe away all of the tears and wash away the loss and regret. He will cleanse and forgive and clothe us in robes of white. The empty arms will be filled. The hungry hearts will be fed. Brokenness will be restored. Mourning will be turned to dancing. And sin and death will be no more.

Because He came...He will carry us through this life.

And because He came...He will come again...in all His glory...to take us home.

© Kelly Gerken, Sufficient Grace Ministries 2008-2009

Thanks for letting me share some of my Christmas memories of my loved ones in heaven. I look forward to reading all of your memories, and pray that you will find comfort and hope in the truth that He came for you, as you remember this Christmas season.

(For some reason, my spell check isn't working tonight, so please forgive any spelling errors...it's a little late and I'm tired. =)

Changed My Mind

I changed my mind! The more I think about the upcoming Walking With You post, the more I would like to open it up to everyone who is missing a loved one who has gone home to heaven. God's grace is for ALL grieving hearts...He is the resting place for all who are weary. So...on the next Walking With You, we will welcome not only those who have lost a baby or child...but those who are grieving the loss of anyone they love...a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend, a spouse. Tell us the ways you remember your loved one at Christmas, either in Thursday's Walking With You post or in the comments on that post. If you are a regular and wish to focus just on your baby, that's fine...or if you would like to include others...do what seems best to you.

AND...

I will have two prizes for parents who have lost a baby/child. (One will still be the Beauty Will Rise CD!)

AND...
There will be a prize for those who have not lost a child, but wish to participate by sharing memories of their loved one and by encouraging others by leaving a comment on my post and on the others who link. Remember...this takes place on Thursday's Walking With You Post...so prepare to share your memories and stop back to comment or link up on December 3rd. More details to come on Thursday's post.

I just love Christmas, don't you?

Walking With You/Sufficient Grace Update and a Giveaway Hodge Podge

Walking With You will be this Thursday, December, 3rd (Yes...I did say December, and no...I have not purchased one Christmas present...oh dear!). If you are a mother who has lost a baby or child, please consider participating in this upcoming Walking With You, Special Christmas Edition. We will be sharing the ways that we incorporate the memory of our babies into our Christmas/holiday traditions. Even if you have never participated before, you are welcome to join in at any time. Just write a post on your blog, and come back to link up (on the MckLinky) with us on Thursday's post. If you do not have a blog, but would like to participate, please leave what you wish to share in the comments

And...because it's Christmas, and well...I love you so much...we will be offering a Christmas Giveaway to those who participate and/or comment on the upcoming Walking With You. (You will get additional entries for every comment left on the posts of those who link with us as well!) This giveaway is for Mamas who have lost a baby or child ONLY. You may still comment on Thursday's post if you have not had a loss, but you will not be eligible to win. (We always appreciate your encouragement and prayers, however...so please feel free to share the love, anyway!)

So...what are we giving away?

A copy of Stephen Curtis Chapman's amazing new CD...Beauty Will Rise!!!!! I bought myself a copy (along with one for you) this weekend! It is awesome...and so captures the beauty rising from the ashes of a grieving parent's anguished heart. You will be blessed and comforted by his words. Even if you do not win, I highly recommend it both for yourself, and a gift for a grieving heart. Remember...the contest doesn't begin until this Thursday, December 3rd...so be ready to leave your comments on that post.

What's going on with Sufficient Grace?

We're going to be doing some updating, rearranging, organizing, and catching up soon as this amazing year comes to an end. We are hoping to simplify some things, expand some areas, spread the word about our ministry, and delegate some of the growing responsibilities. Please pray for all of our upcoming plans...that we would be led by the Lord, that He would be our guide, and that we would hear His leading and act in one accord. We are so grateful for all of the ways that He has faithfully provided, and feel led to reach out to more grieving families in more ways.

Our little band (still without a name - and still open to ideas if you'd like to leave one in the comments) will be performing at the upcoming Christmas Praise Night at Harvest Fellowship Church on December 5th at 7:00p.m. We've been spending quite a bit of time practicing and it's really been a blessing. Please pray for the Lord's leading with our desire to worship and serve Him through music.

I was asked to be a guest writer for the December/January Holiday Issue of Mom's Moments Newsletter. The topic was: comforting a grieving mother. To view a copy, click here and click the download button under the first newsletter choice. The newsletter will then come up in Acrobat Reader Format. There is also some information on a book Anna has been working on to support grieving parents. You can read more information on Anna's project on the Mom's Moments site. Thank you to the ladies of Mom's Moments for including me in this issue, and for all you do to encourage mothers, women, and families.

Since this post is such a hodge podge, and because I love it, I will leave you with this picture that has absolutely NO relevance to everything I just shared with you.



Every house should be guarded by a clone trooper, don't you think...may the force be with you!

Becoming One And...Being Full

A long time ago when our marriage was still new, I wrote an article about "Becoming One". Someday when I have a little more time, I will dig it out and reprint it, because I'm sure it was written with more thought and effort than I have to give tonight. But, for now, I'd like to do a little reflecting on the idea of two people becoming one in marriage. The original article conveyed the message that it takes time for two people from different families, backgrounds, values/belief systems, etc. to become one. It is not something that happens the moment two people say "I do". Rather, it is a process that is so amazing and beautiful, it is almost like magic. Only, it isn't magic at all. It is a work of the Holy Spirit...a beautiful evidence of the hand of God. It really is one of my favorite things to watch...the shaping and molding of two people into one. God is able to teach us (if we are teachable) so many things through marriage...He is willing to gift us with unspeakable joys and grow us in ways we never could grow on our own. I will share more on this later...but for now, let me just share a little story with you that goes along with the idea of becoming one, quite nicely, in my humble opinion.

When Tim and I were married less than a year, I opened the door to my refrigerator one morning and what to my wondering eyes did appear...but a headless, skinless squirrel soaking, uncovered in a bowl of salt water. In my refrigerator. Along with the food. That I eat. And, I am a town girl in every sense of the word. In my house, squirrels were rodents, NOT dinner! Well, needless to say, the screams could be heard for miles! I just stood there, screaming...wondering what was the matter with this person I married! Oh my word...

Fast forward fifteen and a half years...to Thanksgiving Eve, 2009



My kitchen was turned into a butcher shop, and I spent Thanksgiving Eve 2009 with my hands in a tub of freshly ground venison, helping Tim package the meat that he literally provided for our family with his own hands. The bountiful reward from a successful hunt. I wasn't screaming. In fact, I was happily working alongside him to get the job done, grateful that he was willing to provide for our family so faithfully and a little proud of him.(I'm almost like Pioneer Woman- O.K., maybe not!) It feels good to be working together with one heart and one mind, as God intended...not that we always do, but we certainly have come a long way from those early years.

And when I think of all the places we have walked together...and all the shaping and molding, breaking and rebuilding that God has done to get us here, my heart is full of thanks...

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Thanksgiving is all about focusing on our "fullness". And, I don't just mean the fullness of our bellies (which definitely applies at the Gerken household!). It's about being full...about recognizing all the ways we are filled by the faithfulness of our loving God. It is about looking back and remembering what He has done for us...and it is about looking around at all we have been given right now. It is about being thankful...for all the ways He provides, for the storms He carries us through, for the memories filling our minds, and the love held in our hearts, for the laughter and joy, for the tears He keeps in a bottle, and for the future He promises will be filled with hope and good plans for us.

What abundance we enjoy...a bounty of blessings...

I am thankful for...

our little house...

the rowdy boy sounds that fill aforementioned little house...

the tired, dirty-from-a-hard-day's-work man that will soon walk in the back door after wrestling the stinky dogs that live in the garage and faithfully guard our little house...

the dreams we dream for those who dance in heaven, the dreams that fill this little house...

the God who is served by those who live, love, and dream in this little house.

Free

I think I may have already written about this in a previous post, so I'm sorry if the following post is just the same old lament you've heard before. I know I am getting some readers who know me in real life, now. Some of this may not be a surprise to those of you who know me well, and some of it you may wish I would just keep to myself. But, I'm here anyway...about to do a little keepin' it real soul-baring. Words are kind of my way of sorting through my thoughts. So, here goes.

Do you ever feel like something is holding you back? Do you ever feel as if you should be more free, but instead you are entangled? Do you ever feel as if you are just on the cusp of being the person God intended you to be...but you are not quite there...as if what He has for you is just out of your reach?

Sometimes I feel this way.

Have you ever had an amazing time of breakthrough prayer or a time of earnest worship that just broke through all the barriers and for a moment, you knew that He had reached you? For a moment, it seemed possible to be that free person...that complete person. For a moment, it didn't even matter who you were or how free or entangled you were. Nothing mattered, other than the fact that you were His girl. Have you felt Him break through and lift your weary head? Have you felt as if you never wanted to leave that place of perfect peace where everything was as it should be, and He was rightfully on the throne as you knelt to worship Him?

Then, have you walked away and felt the world come crashing in to steal the peaceful assurance?

Sometimes, I have.

Recently I have been asked this question more than once...How in the world do you do it all...work, ministry, family?(If you know me in real life, you are laughing right now! Because you know that I am a mess!)To the outside world, I like to appear polished, like I have it together. (God usually has other plans, and the truth often seeps out! Ahhh...humility.)

So, how do I do it all?

I don't...

My house is a mess. My laundry is piled up...both the dirty waiting to be washed and the clean waiting to be folded. I talk too much. Many times, I say the wrong thing and regret it later. I laugh often and loudly! I live in a town where almost everyone knows every foolish sin from my youth...and God has given me a ministry...here. Yesterday, I fed my family frozen pizza again, because I became enveloped in reading the Pioneer Woman's love story of how she fell in love with her Marlboro Man(I was also thoroughly blessed by her tales of how she channels Lucille Ball, because as you know I have referred to myself as Lucy many times!). I do not have time to read without a purpose, often...but yesterday, I did it anyway, shirking my long list of responsibilities.(That last one really is a rare thing...usually I am just shirking one list of responsibilities so that I can meet the needs on another list...but reading Pioneer Woman wasn't on any list. And, I did it anyway.) I missed my morning devotions today, even though we had a two hour delay. I have raised my voice at my children. Sometimes regrets keep me up at night, even as I prayerfully try to give them to the Lord. It's hard to release a grip when you're holding on so tightly. I am ridiculously forgetful, completely disorganized, habitually late, a horrible manager of time, flying by the seat of my pants (thought I'd better add that if you are a current or future employer, I do seem to be able to get the job done, and do it well, despite these weaknesses! At work, I'm actually organized...go figure!). Last week, at the prayer gathering, we had to go back home five minutes after leaving because I had two different shoes on, and when we left the prayer gathering I left my coat. I didn't realize that I had left my coat hanging in a church 40 minutes away, until several days later when I finally gave up the search and a vague recollection of thinking "don't forget your coat" as I hung it crossed my feeble mind. I often feel like I leave pieces of myself scattered everywhere...scattered...that really is a good word to describe how I feel. I have yet to lose the twenty pounds I mentioned awhile back, due to my extreme love of good food. I have been blessed with the most forgiving husband known to(wo)mankind. Not only does he overlook my "mess", he miraculously loves me and finds me a little endearing (at least that's what I like to think.). I could go on and on...

(You can probably guess why I love grace so much! Some of us need more than others...sigh.)

Here is why none of what I just wrote matters...none of that defines me. Not only am I not defined by all of the ways I fall short, but I am also not defined by the things I do well. Those things are harder to list, but they are the things that at face value, you may see...the few times when I get it right. The moments when some inspiration seeps through my mess (via the Holy Spirit) and I say the right thing, hit the right note, or appear for just a moment to have it all together.

None of it defines me...not the victories or the failures. Because, if we are truly walking freely as the new creations we are, all of it...the good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly...all of it should be hidden, covered by Jesus. I'm not complete, yet...He is still working on me. But, that is the goal...less of me, more of Him. I want to get lost in His grace, and allow Him to free me completely from all things that really don't define me at all. Maybe it's like forgiving, hoping, and believing when you don't really feel like forgiving, when you really feel hopeless, when you are struggling to believe what you don't see. You just keep claiming the truth, relying on the Lord, and exercising forgiveness, hope, and belief until your feelings catch up...or even if they never do. Because, really...it isn't about who we are, or how we feel. It's about who He is. We cannot do those things on our own...but our Jesus can. And unlike those of us with the propensity to begin a task and never finish, He completes the good work that He begins in us. He perfects and establishes us.

So...whether I fully feel it or not...and even if I never fully do this side of heaven, except for those glimpses in rare moments when He breaks through my mess...I will simply say...

I am His...and I am free.

Dancing and Giggling...

My mother loved Christmas. Every year, no matter the circumstances of our family (and believe me, sometimes there were some difficult circumstances), she always made Christmas special! In the days leading up to Christmas, we enjoyed many shopping trips to purchase ornaments and look at all the decorations. She loved decorating...some years the house looked like Vegas inside and out with all the lights!

I remember the year I was on bed rest while pregnant for Faith and Grace, she wheeled me around in a wheelchair so that we could have a little Christmas shopping fun. And, after they were born, we shopped for the perfect ornaments to hang in remembrance of them. But, that's another story.

The year we were into everything mauve, burgundy, and Victorian, Hills had a bunch of ornaments on sale. And she bought me a cart full! After an especially rough year, she bought me a new pre-lit Christmas tree. We had the best time!

Since she has been celebrating her Christmases with Jesus the past three years, I have missed her greatly. The missing that often visits washes over me every year the first time I walk into the Christmas aisle. And, yet...her love for that very thing compels me to go there so that I can remember and feel her closeness. My boys hear me say, "Grandma loved this...she loved Christmas." They say, "Mom, you always say that." I smile and ache all at the same time. Then, I remember her gift for finding the joy in everything...her uncanny ability to not just make lemonade from lemons, but to enjoy the lemonade with the glee of a little girl.

Tonight, James and I had the best time eating dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. James appreciates a nice restaurant with some good bread dipped in oil and Parmesan, excellent Italian cuisine, and ambiance...ahhh, he is so a boy after his mother's heart! I love my food, you know! Of course, it was the icing on the cake that Biaggi's puts paper covering over their lovely white, linen table cloths so that children can draw on them.

After dinner, we went to WalMart to get some essentials, and there it was...the Christmas aisle. I took a deep breath as the missing washed over me, and I looked down at James. "Come on mom, let's go look." His eyes lit up with excitement as he appreciated each ornament with the fullness of joy that comes from the heart of the young and from the rare soul like my mom who manages to hold on to that ability long into adulthood. She gave me that gift, by the way. I smiled, and said, "Grandma would love this...she loved Christmas." James started filling the cart with a few little ornaments...he was exuberant when I allowed him to choose a few.

Then, we spotted the animated, musical stuffed animals. James and I started pressing the buttons to see what each one would do. We danced and giggled in the middle of the WalMart aisle, as I remembered all the other times I have freely giggled with my mom and friends over the years. But never before, have I had such a great time giggling deep belly giggles with anyone as I did tonight with this sweet gift of a boy that God gave me.

I just love him...

Thank you, God for deep belly giggles, one of my favorite sounds...especially the kind that happen right in the middle of the missing, reminding me that she will always be part of us. She would've loved giggling deep belly giggles and dancing in the aisles of WalMart. And, because she did...we still do.

While We Were Out...

Most Saturday mornings, I can be found sipping some tea and visiting blog friends...praying and working on Sufficient Grace Ministries shipments, emails, correspondence, etc. This morning, I arose early to attend the Arise! Cry Out! Moms in Touch International Event with my in real-life friend, Lynette (a mighty little prayer warrior and one of my dearest friends). I have prayed, with Lynette and my other Moms in Touch friends since my Sophomore was in Kindergarten. I have seen the Lord work in mighty ways as I've prayed alongside these mothers over the years... in weeping and rejoicing.

Lynette and I are pictured below after four hours of tearful, intense prayer.



We joined our prayers with mothers praying from 9:00am to 1:00pm in various time zones around the world, covering the earth in 24 hours of uninterrupted prayer. Mountains moved as mothers cried out to the Lord on behalf of their children. It was beyond-words beautiful...and a humbling privilege to be part of the miracle. We left exhausted, cleansed, renewed, and encouraged. It was truly a divine appointment...the Holy Spirit's presence was evident through each moment of those four glorious hours of focused intentional prayer. And, I am so grateful that we shared this day together.

But, while we were out...

MckMama blessed our socks off...AGAIN!!!!!!!! I had no idea that Sufficient Grace was once again receiving a blessing from MckMama and family as she included us in the three charities supported by the MckFamily. Readers commented on the post where she pledged to include a generous donation to each (giving $1 for each comment posted to the 3 organizations - Sufficient Grace, String of Pearls, and The Liz Logelin Foundation). In addition to her generous donation, she encouraged her readers to make their own donations, and they have been flooding in! This was a complete surprise, and an amazing blessing from our amazing God and this amazing MckFamily!!!

Most of you know that we are rejoicing over the miracle of sweet Stellan's healing from SVT. MckMama's post regarding the miracle that we all share as our own, was so beautiful. I especially love that she acknowledged not only the miracle of God's healing on earth...but also the miracle when He heals by taking his child to heaven. Both are miraculous...both are great gifts. Thank you, MckMama for your generous, amazing, beautiful heart. I love you, dearly...and we are blessed beyond words.

In addition to all of the obvious ways that God has blessed us on this beautiful November day, can I just share one more thing? Often, I feel pulled in various directions as a mom, wife, ministry leader, etc. Today, in more ways that I can convey with words, God spoke to my weary heart during those four hours of prayer. There are so many things on my heart to do. I am busy and rushed...sometimes trying to operate on my own power, instead of leaning on the Lord. He reminds me and draws me back. Today, as I prayed for my children, I thought for a moment how I long to do even more in the ministry. But, still working full-time, I am juggling both, for now...along with our family needs.

When I came home, and found out that Sufficient Grace was being blessed today, I felt the Lord whisper to my heart..."I've got this, my daughter...I've got you, and I will take care of you and all that concerns you today."

I can't be everywhere...doing everything on my heart all at once. In fact, I wasn't here for any of the hoopla...had no idea it was happening. I can't be everywhere, and I don't have to be...because my God CAN and He is faithful. I was exactly where I needed to be today...praying for my kids. But, while I was out...our capable, mighty, amazing God was taking care of the ministry. Abundantly blessing it, even...through the willing hearts of His people.

Thank you MckMama...and everyone who gave today...and to those who continue to support Sufficient Grace Ministries and the families we serve.

Our cup runneth over...

Beauty in the Fall

Because there IS beauty in the fall...

Because their names are written into the story of our lives...

Because we see their names in every reflection of beauty on this earth...

Because their names are etched in our hearts forever...

Because their names were written in the Book of Life...

Thank you, Holly, my beautiful friend...one whose compassion and beauty shines through both in the falling and the dancing...thank you for writing their names...

Falling and Dancing...

I meant to write a post on the week of October 20th because that day marks three years since mom went home to heaven. I planned to tell you of the beauty of the drive we travelled along the river, to stay with her in the hospice center, as the trees exploded during the last couple weeks of her life with a rainbow of colors. I even thought of taking that familiar path and photographing the beauty so that I could share it with you. But, I didn't take the drive. Instead I'm sharing some flowers that my friend, Tracy sent to me in memory of mom...flowers with all the colors of fall...just like the ones in God's painting the day He took her home.

It is an amazing annual display...better than any painting created by man's hand. God's artwork, His glory displayed in full splendor. It was a symphony of color for the eyes as she left this earth. Each year, since she has gone, I notice it more profoundly...the last hurrah before the stark contrast of winter. During that week in October, an explosion of color...and just a few short weeks later...almost all the leaves have fallen.

Of course, the demands of life kept me from posting...and truth be told, there are several other things I should be doing right now instead of writing what is on my heart. But, even delaying this post, it has been on my mind. And, I know how this works...it won't leave my mind,until I have written it. So, here I am in all my frazzled, tired, overstretched, imperfect glory.

I have been thinking of how I was really just learning to dance, learning to celebrate the joy of being a new creation, just finding out the freedom that lies in complete surrender to the Lord. Three years ago, I felt so blessed that my cup runneth over. God had restored my joy after saying good-bye to our babies, restored my family, blessed us with a love that comes as beauty is made from ashes, blessed us with a ministry. He had blessed my relationship with my mother and restored all of our brokenness. My heart was healed in many ways. And, I was learning to dance.

Then, she left in the midst of the symphony of autumn beauty...and I drove home along the river road that night, exhausted, numb, grateful that her suffering was finally over, grateful for the promise of heaven, and having no idea the ache that lie ahead for my heart. I had no idea how hard it would be to keep on dancing without her.

The leaves started to fall the next week. I thought of the bitter irony...how the leaves are allowed to be at their most spectacular just before they fall silently to the ground in an anticlimactic end. Then, I thought that I could relate to the leaves. I had just begun to dance again, really for the first time, in many ways. And, then I started to fall.

The ache I feel for her washes over me anew with each passing season. The missing is with me daily. Even moments of precious joy are clouded with her absence. That doesn't mean that I don't feel joy...or that I don't trust in the Lord and His promises. I do. But, for the past three years, I have been doing more falling than dancing.

Don't get me wrong, there is beauty even in the falling...for when we fall, we are caught in the arms of a loving Savior. We are comforted in our sorrow by a compassionate Father. We are carried by the hands of a mighty God. I read these words from the heart of a grieving mother (Once a Mother) recently, and they struck a cord in my heart. I encourage you to read her incredible description of the falling. She ends her beautiful poem with these words: The beauty of life, too, can be found, in those moments that are out of our control. In those moments we fear most. In the falling.

I remember the times that I have found beauty in surrender...falling on faith as I stood on the edge of a cliff, surrounded by fog, taking the next step to where I could not see if He would catch me or not. There is beauty...great beauty in falling into His waiting arms. It is a place I have walked. And He has never failed to catch me. And, there is a time for falling.

Still...I haven't been dancing much...not like I was before she left. My blog-friend, Lynnette is a wonderful dancer. And, her way of dancing through life is a way that I share in my heart. It is a way I have known well...a way of living that I believe God has for us. Yet...lately, I haven't been acting on it.

My mother was just learning to dance when He took her home. I had been dancing for a little while when she left. Her dance was perfected in heaven's glory...and she dances still. As for me...I don't think it was in the plan for me to stop dancing. I'm not saying I have stopped, but...there's been sort of a limp in my step. I know some of that is just the missing of someone so dear to me, and I'm not trying to mask the missing.

It's just that I think it might be time to start dancing again. If she can see me from heaven, she and my sweet babes...I think they would agree that it's time to dance again. And, I bet my Father in heaven...the One who created me for dancing would take great pleasure in seeing me dance.

So, I am praying and venturing in with tender steps...hoping to learn a new dance...and knowing that even as I type these words, God has a plan to teach me the most beautiful steps yet...

Walking With You ~ Thankful...

Updated to add The Secret Garden ~ October

I am cheating a little adding this update to my Walking With You post. But, the truth is: thirteen years after saying good-bye to my Faith and Grace, and eleven years since sweet Thomas went home, what I am feeling most is thankful. Continue reading below for further explanation...

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

Thank you to everyone who joined us last month for October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you haven't listed your baby's name, and would like to, please add your family's information to the comments on this post. I would like to keep this as an ongoing list to refer to and also to pray for each family frequently. All of our babies are precious and should be remembered.

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

For the Lord will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.
~Isaiah 51:3

I am thankful...that I have been comforted by the Lord.

I am thankful...that His grace is sufficient.

I am thankful...that my wilderness has become like Eden, my desert like the garden of the Lord.

I am thankful...that joy has been restored, that morning has come.

I am thankful...for every moment I watched Faith and Grace and Thomas on the ultrasound screen.

I am thankful...for every hiccup, every movement, every kick, every stretching pain, (not-so-much the nausea and vomiting:).

I am thankful...for every dream that we shared together for your lives.

I am thankful...for every conversation that held your names...and for all the times your names have yet to be spoken or written.

I am thankful...that I was chosen to be your mother...for the blessing and privilege of that amazing gift.

I am thankful...that all of my children, in heaven and earth, have their daddy's dark eyes and cute nose.

I am thankful...for prayers prayed over you, songs sung to you, tears wept for you, and the love that spills from the hearts that loved you...and continue to love you.

I am thankful...that Thomas opened his eyes to look up at me and a picture captured that moment of bliss.

I am thankful...that my babies lived on Earth...and that they live in heaven.

I am thankful...Faith, Grace, and Thomas...that I carried you in my womb, held you in my arms, and forever hold you in my heart.

I am thankful...for the promise that I will hold my sweet babies once more in heaven's glory and we will never say good-bye again.

I am thankful...that because our babies lived, many families are comforted in the midst of their sorrow.

I am thankful...that our mourning has been turned into dancing...that our love has sustained the storms of grief...that our God is able to carry us through this life and keep us together as we walk with Him.

I am thankful...that God has blessed me with the boys who remain here with us, filling our house with boisterous noise and the husband who continues to make me laugh, and fills my heart with songs of joy.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
~Psalm 30:11-12

Birthday Girls

Thirteen years ago today, on the first snowfall of the year, two precious souls made their brief appearance on this earth. Two little girls, my only daughters, filled my arms for but a moment on that snowy November afternoon. Sometimes I think about what it might be like if they were here. I would have three teenagers filling our little house. Oh my! There would be a plethora of accessories the likes of which I have never known as the mama of boys. We would definitely not survive with only one bathroom as we do now!

There would be dances and dresses, giggling and soul-searching heart-to-hearts. As the mother of teenagers, I know it wouldn't always be smooth-sailing, and we would have so much to pray for protection from in this world of ours. But, on certain days, I notice what's missing in this land of boy world in which I live, this land that I dearly love.

I may look like a boy mama through and through. I may not know how to do little-girl hair. I may shout at football games and know whether a player sliding into home is safe or out during the baseball game. I may even express strong opinions about it if my son is playing. I may know how to get grass stains out of a white uniform way better than I could fasten a hair pretty or dress a Barbie. My purse may be filled with golf balls, tees, hot wheels cars and transformers. You may not see any evidence when you look at me, but I am still the mother of daughters. They just weren't here long enough for me to learn how to do all of those girly things.

But...

They are waiting for me. And, we will have all of eternity for hair pretties and tea parties...soul-searching heart-to-hearts and deep belly giggles. We will do it all in a place where daddy will not have to worry about protecting his baby girls from harm, and I won't have to stay awake at night praying that they will always walk with the Lord. They have walked with the Lord from the first moment of their lives. The have literally walked with Him on streets of gold. They walk with Him, even now...as I wait and dream my dreams of their long, brown wavy hair filled with pink ribbons. (I'm sure ribbons stay perfectly in heaven, and perhaps I will even have the expertise to fasten them just right...or maybe someone with the gift of "hair pretties" can help us out! Even better, hopefully we will have no need of hair pretties in heaven! =)

I recorded a little song (not sure the title or author of this song...just one that I've heard for years, and speaks of the longing for heaven - the longing to sit before His throne). I wanted to share it on Faith's and Grace's birthday, but the sound quality is, of course, below par (since it's just on my little digital camera). Someday, we will get the recording studio built and I will be able to share better quality recordings, but for now...this was on my heart. It isn't meant to show any singing expertise (obviously)...just a mama singing to her baby girls and a daughter singing to her Father.



I miss you, sweet girls. I love you and wish you a happy, happy heavenly birthday.