Free

I think I may have already written about this in a previous post, so I'm sorry if the following post is just the same old lament you've heard before. I know I am getting some readers who know me in real life, now. Some of this may not be a surprise to those of you who know me well, and some of it you may wish I would just keep to myself. But, I'm here anyway...about to do a little keepin' it real soul-baring. Words are kind of my way of sorting through my thoughts. So, here goes.

Do you ever feel like something is holding you back? Do you ever feel as if you should be more free, but instead you are entangled? Do you ever feel as if you are just on the cusp of being the person God intended you to be...but you are not quite there...as if what He has for you is just out of your reach?

Sometimes I feel this way.

Have you ever had an amazing time of breakthrough prayer or a time of earnest worship that just broke through all the barriers and for a moment, you knew that He had reached you? For a moment, it seemed possible to be that free person...that complete person. For a moment, it didn't even matter who you were or how free or entangled you were. Nothing mattered, other than the fact that you were His girl. Have you felt Him break through and lift your weary head? Have you felt as if you never wanted to leave that place of perfect peace where everything was as it should be, and He was rightfully on the throne as you knelt to worship Him?

Then, have you walked away and felt the world come crashing in to steal the peaceful assurance?

Sometimes, I have.

Recently I have been asked this question more than once...How in the world do you do it all...work, ministry, family?(If you know me in real life, you are laughing right now! Because you know that I am a mess!)To the outside world, I like to appear polished, like I have it together. (God usually has other plans, and the truth often seeps out! Ahhh...humility.)

So, how do I do it all?

I don't...

My house is a mess. My laundry is piled up...both the dirty waiting to be washed and the clean waiting to be folded. I talk too much. Many times, I say the wrong thing and regret it later. I laugh often and loudly! I live in a town where almost everyone knows every foolish sin from my youth...and God has given me a ministry...here. Yesterday, I fed my family frozen pizza again, because I became enveloped in reading the Pioneer Woman's love story of how she fell in love with her Marlboro Man(I was also thoroughly blessed by her tales of how she channels Lucille Ball, because as you know I have referred to myself as Lucy many times!). I do not have time to read without a purpose, often...but yesterday, I did it anyway, shirking my long list of responsibilities.(That last one really is a rare thing...usually I am just shirking one list of responsibilities so that I can meet the needs on another list...but reading Pioneer Woman wasn't on any list. And, I did it anyway.) I missed my morning devotions today, even though we had a two hour delay. I have raised my voice at my children. Sometimes regrets keep me up at night, even as I prayerfully try to give them to the Lord. It's hard to release a grip when you're holding on so tightly. I am ridiculously forgetful, completely disorganized, habitually late, a horrible manager of time, flying by the seat of my pants (thought I'd better add that if you are a current or future employer, I do seem to be able to get the job done, and do it well, despite these weaknesses! At work, I'm actually organized...go figure!). Last week, at the prayer gathering, we had to go back home five minutes after leaving because I had two different shoes on, and when we left the prayer gathering I left my coat. I didn't realize that I had left my coat hanging in a church 40 minutes away, until several days later when I finally gave up the search and a vague recollection of thinking "don't forget your coat" as I hung it crossed my feeble mind. I often feel like I leave pieces of myself scattered everywhere...scattered...that really is a good word to describe how I feel. I have yet to lose the twenty pounds I mentioned awhile back, due to my extreme love of good food. I have been blessed with the most forgiving husband known to(wo)mankind. Not only does he overlook my "mess", he miraculously loves me and finds me a little endearing (at least that's what I like to think.). I could go on and on...

(You can probably guess why I love grace so much! Some of us need more than others...sigh.)

Here is why none of what I just wrote matters...none of that defines me. Not only am I not defined by all of the ways I fall short, but I am also not defined by the things I do well. Those things are harder to list, but they are the things that at face value, you may see...the few times when I get it right. The moments when some inspiration seeps through my mess (via the Holy Spirit) and I say the right thing, hit the right note, or appear for just a moment to have it all together.

None of it defines me...not the victories or the failures. Because, if we are truly walking freely as the new creations we are, all of it...the good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly...all of it should be hidden, covered by Jesus. I'm not complete, yet...He is still working on me. But, that is the goal...less of me, more of Him. I want to get lost in His grace, and allow Him to free me completely from all things that really don't define me at all. Maybe it's like forgiving, hoping, and believing when you don't really feel like forgiving, when you really feel hopeless, when you are struggling to believe what you don't see. You just keep claiming the truth, relying on the Lord, and exercising forgiveness, hope, and belief until your feelings catch up...or even if they never do. Because, really...it isn't about who we are, or how we feel. It's about who He is. We cannot do those things on our own...but our Jesus can. And unlike those of us with the propensity to begin a task and never finish, He completes the good work that He begins in us. He perfects and establishes us.

So...whether I fully feel it or not...and even if I never fully do this side of heaven, except for those glimpses in rare moments when He breaks through my mess...I will simply say...

I am His...and I am free.