Today She Dances...

I just wanted to share a little piece of my mom's story with you. She was amazing...and I'm sure she's even more amazing as she perfects her dance in Heaven...basking in the light of our Savior and the deep belly giggles of her grandbabies...I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope you will Walk with me this Wednesday...




The Choices we Make
by Kelly Gerken
Originally printed in The Women's Edge Winter 2005 Newsletter...Copyright 2005
My Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer about two months ago. She has been struggling with several other health conditions for the past ten years prior to the cancer diagnosis, which have changed her physically from an energetic, strong woman to one who seems fragile and physically weak. I have felt anger at her illnesses, anger at her, myself, frustration, sorrow at the injustice... at what we have been robbed of, and I have inspiration and gratefulness. I am inspired by her courage, her love for her family, her resolve, and her deepened faith in God. I am grateful for the healing that suffering brings to our hearts, for the comfort of our loving Savior, for the time that we so often take for granted, but are learning to treasure instead of squander. I'm grateful for the laughter and the tears, for the lessons we couldn't learn any other way, and for the mother she has been and will always be.

This Christmas, I helped put up her Christmas tree, because she was too sick to do it. She has always been so crafty and creative, and every year, she would add some homemade ornaments to the tree. I am the oldest daughter. so I have been around for every year of the tradition. It was so special to take out each box and smile and laugh as we remembered together when she made each one. There were also the creations from my brothers and I when we were in preschool and grade school. The tree told a story of our family, and our life. It made me think how our lives tell our story.
The truth is that we can't take anything with us to heaven...not our things which we may treasure, not money, success, status or popularity, not even identity. The only thing we can take to heaven with us is other people. The people who come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior from watching our lives. That doesn't mean we have to always be perfect. My mother isn't and neither am I . That does mean that we let our light shine so that others will see and God will be glorified. It is only the Holy Spirit which can change hearts, but God uses His children as His tangible example. We are covered in His grace.

Everyday we have a choice about how we will live. Do we live in a way that offers comfort and hope to others? My mother and I have a favorite song "I Hope You Dance" which talks about these choices. One part says, "Whenever you have the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance." Mom can't physically dance much these days, but she dances in her heart. And some sweet day she will dance in heaven.
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He Will Carry You...
By Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Fall/Winter 2006

Even to your old age, I am He. And even to gray hairs I will carry you!I have made, and I will bear;Even I will carry and deliver you.~ Isaiah 46:4

Beginning in September, my mother's fourteen month long battle with terminal cancer grew quite intense. She was hospitalized twice during the month of September. She spent her 50th birthday at the hospital on September 3, 2006. We celebrated with my famous peanut butter pie! On September 25th, she was admitted to the Hospice Center of Northwest Ohio located in Perrysburg, which became my home for much of the next four weeks.

Her struggle was great. Doctors and nurses gave her a couple days to live when she was first admitted. However, a month after that prediction, the terrible suffering continued on. She did it with the grace and dignity with which she lived...as a true lady. When she was able to speak, she expressed only concern for those around her, despite her own horrible condition. She knew she was dying, and she had complete peace that she would be in Heaven when her earthly body quit...and yet, like the fighter she was, she continued to wake up each morning despite the fact that she hadn't eaten more than a handful of food over the course of six weeks. She had little to drink most days, except the drops of water we could place on her tongue, or the occasional drinks from a straw when she mustered enough strength to swallow. ( Except, of course, for the legendary night that she awakened after several days of unconsciousness and slipping further away from us to ask for Red Lobster. We granted her request to "Go for the gusto" as she put it and order her shrimp feast!) She continued to display her wit, humor, and spunk. She was determined and unique...surprising everyone with her will to survive until the very last breath...doing it her way. Every nurse fell in love with her, just like almost anyone who ever knew her.

We had made a promise to her long ago, that we would never leave her in a nursing home. Although the spectacular Hospice facility was nothing like a nursing home, we agreed as a family that we couldn't leave her there alone. So, we stayed with her. Family members took turns staying the night. And other family and close friends visited her during the day. She was surrounded by people who loved her. When one of us had to leave for a while...someone else was always there. And I am so grateful for that time.

The moments we shared were not only among the most difficult, but also the most precious of my life. She was an amazing woman, and I spent most of her life missing that...taking her for granted. But, the last year has been such a gift that taught me about true healing, forgiveness, grace and love. Not everyone gets the time to make things right. She realized that God had given her the time not only to say everything she wanted, but also to see what she meant to other people...to realize how much her life mattered to those around her. She saw her situation as a blessing. It would have been understandable if she were bitter about the news that her body was filled with cancer, and that cancer would do it's best to steal her health, her body, and her very life. Not mom. She found the blessing, and in doing so she was the finest example to her family...a true mother until the end, teaching, inspiring, encouraging, giving wisdom, and loving fiercely. She is the most inspiring person I know.

During some of the darker moments she faced last month, I was able to read the bible to her, pray with her, sing to her, hold her in my arms, and hold her hand. One of the best scriptures God kept bringing me back to was John 14:1-6, in which Jesus says He goes to prepare a place for us. When Thomas asks Jesus where He is going and how to get there, Jesus replies in verse 6 " I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." Even as she lay seemingly helpless, literally on her death bed, she was pointing us toward Jesus...without a word. His presence was evident, as He carried her and He carried us through the darkness.

One day I said, "It will be O.K. mom...Jesus will carry you to Heaven."

She said, "How do you know He will carry me?"

I said, "Because He promises never to leave us or forsake us, and Jesus always keeps His promises."

She said, " How do you know He keeps His promises?"

I replied, "Because He was there when my baby died. I couldn't see Him, but I could feel Him take baby Thomas and carry him home, and then I could feel Him carry me through my grief when I couldn't carry myself. That's how I know He will carry you."

She looked into my eyes, and holding my hand, repeated over and over again..."He will carry me, He will carry me, He will carry me..."

I nodded, "Yes, Mom, He will carry you."

Later that evening, she fell asleep, and four days later, Jesus carried her home, just like He promised He would. And, now, while I can't carry myself, He is carrying me and the rest of us who face the challenge of waking up each day on this earth without her.


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I Hope You Dance
by Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Summer 2007
As I was going through her treasures...the sentimental little pieces of us we mothers cherish and leave behind for our daughters...her tea sets, her little doilies, the recipes on scraps of paper with her handwriting on them...I came across a little gift book I had given her based on the famous song, I Hope You Dance. The inscription read, To: Mom, From: Kelly...Because you inspire me to always dance, and I hope you remember to always do the same. I bit back the tears as the familiar ache of emptiness washed over me. In spite of the pain of missing her, I smiled at the memory and the thought of her dancing in heaven, without any pain, twirling her grandbabies and delighting in the music of their deep belly giggles.

I flipped through the pages of the book, reading the lyrics and allowing the message to renew my hope. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance; And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I hope you dance. I remembered the first time I heard this powerful song, at the same time the Lord was working in me to remove my fears and hesitations...to teach me to embrace the life He's given me and to walk confidently with Him. God taught me to see the beauty in the new creation that He was making in me, and when life presented opportunity to boldly embrace it rather than sitting it out. Whenever possible, God spoke to my heart, "I want you to dance".

I began to approach life this way and fears and insecurities were replaced with confidence, victory, joy and adventure. As my mother's earthly life was fleeting and her health deteriorated due to cancer and other debilitating illnesses, God showed her the beauty in the new creation He was making in her. While she was learning to dance, He took her home to Heaven, where I know they are perfecting her dance in the place Jesus prepared especially for her. And while I am here, God continues to teach me to dance as well.

Recently I stood at the Relay for Life, where a special six-year-old friend of mine was being honored for his victory over cancer. The event was emotional and bittersweet as I looked at the multitude of survivors along the walk on a path surrounded with luminarias displaying the countless names of those whose lives were taken by cancer.

Part of me wanted desperately to sit this one out. I struggled to shake the ache of loss and grief threatening to cloud my friend's sunny victorious day. While battling to keep my emotions in check, the boy we were there to honor walked boldly to the stage with his smile lighting the darkness in my heart and illuminating the entire place. I smiled through my tears as he played gleefully with his friends, who were bouncing around his wheelchair and making him squeal with joy.

Suddenly he looked around the children and said, " Hey Mrs. Gerken...How 'bout we dance?"

Little did this precious soul know the comfort his invitation had given me. Surrounded by those who had fought cancer's battle and won, some bruised and battered and scarred and surrounded with the memory of those who lost the great battle and those who were left behind bruised and broken and scarred without the ones they love, I took his hand...and we danced.

It was as if God was speaking through this little boy to say, " I see you there, Kelly. And you are not alone. I see you standing there in the middle of all that cancer feeling death's sting. And I want you to dance. After all, how can one dwell on the pain of death's sting when surrounded by so much life?" We threw our heads back laughing and dancing remembering the promise that no matter how dark and painful this life gets there's always the opportunity to dance if we choose to take it.

So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory.""O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?"~I Corinthians 15:54-55

To me this world is a better place because she walks on it,
And if someday I wake to find she walks instead by Jesus' side,
The void will be great and the world won't be the same,
But walk on I will because of His holy name.
And with me, part of her will always be,
Because she is my Mother.
~Taken from My Mother, a poem written April 8, 2004 by Kelly Gerken in honor of her mother: Kathy Louise Rutter

In Loving Memory of:
Kathy Louise Rutter
September 3, 1956~ October 20, 2006