Thank You

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you... ~ Phil. 1:3

Thank you will never be enough...there are no words to express our gratefulness for the generosity of MckMama. With the mighty wolverines (yes, as an Ohio state Buckeye it does pain me to type those words...but I love MckMama that much!) spurring her and each other on, sweet MckMama will be donating a grand total of $2294 to Sufficient Grace Ministries! Yes, two thousand, two hundred and ninety-four people took the time to comment yesterday in answer to MckMama's call. Amazing grace, Amazing God, Amazing willing hearts...

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready to pick Timothy up from his golf tournament and trying to catch up on the blog and ministry email, I found MckMama's email in my inbox telling me to check out her blog...and also reminding me that what I was about to find was not about her, or me...but about Him! About the amazing, mighty, awesome God we serve. She felt led by the Lord to step (LEAP) out in faith...and in the process to bless my ever-loving socks off! And not just mine...but everyone who graced her blog, or mine, or the other blogs that were writing about this incredible act of generosity and faith yesterday. And not just all of those...but everyone they shared with by word of mouth. And not even just those...but every family who will receive comfort and hope as the result of her willing, generous, obedient to follow God's call, heart.

I very rapidly called my brother who works on our website, which was under construction at the time... and said that the people would be coming. There would be no time to perfect things. MckMama had spoken (at the Lord's leading) and wolverines would be coming our way...in droves. My brother is a Michigan Wolverine fan by the way!=(

Any-hoo, there was little time, and some glitches, but he and his wife got the site running and put up what they could. I frantically posted bits of information about our ministry so that it would be readily available for those stopping by...and emailed everyone I could think of.

Then, I had to leave to get Timothy, run errands, prepare for Saturday Worship, and attend Saturday evening worship. Following the service, we had to go to a graduation party. So, believe it or not, I wasn't near my computer all day! People would call me and give me updates. Friends sat mesmerized by the ever-increasing comments. My counter disappeared for several hours! And I just floated through my day in complete and utter awe.

At 10:00p.m., I was finally able to get to my computer and settle in for a long night of watching the Lord work through His people. As I read through some of the comments, I was touched by so many who have lost a baby or child or who knew someone close to them that had a loss. I cried as I read some of your stories...and plan to try and visit many of you. I prayed for many last night as well. I was touched by friends (and strangers!) who visited and left a comment. Friends who sat by their computer. Friends who commented over and over again...and stayed up until the very end to see this through. I laughed at many of you as the late night sillies took over (and you know who you are. I'm not mentioning any names, Toni and DawnM. And someone I don't know, named heather, who thoroughly cracked me up with her shout out to her idol, DawnM!). I love you guys.

In the midst of all of this, there still lies a mother's heart. And...one of the things that touched me the most, was the amount of people who now knew the names of Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Some of you even referred to them by name, adding blessing upon blessing. When MckMama spoke of her desire to have people know Stellan's name, that he was here, that he mattered...I understood. Every mother who has been told that her baby will surely die, understood. Every mother understood. Even twelve years later, it means so much to me to hear/read their names. They were here, they have value, they matter. Not that it's just about our babies...the purpose of our ministry is to reach out in God's love, offering comfort and hope for those who grieve. But, we are blessed that God has used the precious lives of Faith, Grace, and Thomas to be part of that plan.

I have called you by your name;
You are Mine. ~Isaiah 43:1b

When I first heard from MckMama several weeks ago, I was just so blessed that she even knew my name! =) I certainly never expected this...that she would do something so amazing...WOW! It is humbling beyond words. And, it has led me to thinking about how much it matters to us to be known...to be acknowledged, to know that we have value. No, it's not about us being known in a famous, look-at-me way. It is about our God, seeing His hand work in the lives of others...and He gets the glory. But, you know what...just like my mommy-heart is blessed to hear that others know the names of my children, our heavenly Father lets our names be known. He knows our name. He sees little tiny us. And in Him, we are valued, dearly loved, and our lives matter. Our lives matter to Him. Every tear we cry, every hair on our head, every desire of our hearts. He sees, He knows, He cares.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to MckMama (and Prince Charming, too!)...and to everyone who took part in this huge blessing. There will still be many ways you can help Sufficient Grace Ministries if you are interested, so stay tuned. Also, if you have had a loss and we can be of any help to you, please do not hesitate to email us: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com. We would be glad to send you whatever we have to give...including a Dreams of You Memory Book. We would be honored to walk with you in whatever way we are able...and most of all to pray for you.

Operation Support Sufficient Grace...And a Contest from MckMama

If you are stopping by from MckMama's blog, welcome. She is such a wonderful gift to so many of us, as you well know. And, her generous heart is evident once again. She has chosen to support Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women and we are so blessed...blessed beyond words. Right now, until midnight tonight, she is hosting a contest. She is giving $1 for every comment on her post from now until midnight tonight!!!! So get over there and comment! And...thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has supported our ministry and to MckMama for doing this...and just for being the beautiful woman and mother of many small children that God created her to be! Love her!!!

For those of you just stopping by for the first time, please click here to read about our sweet Faith, Grace, and Thomas. And, below is a little information about our ministry and some upcoming fundraiser events.

The following is a from a previous post, but gives a good overview of our ministry:


This morning my dear friend Dawn Marshall, a NILMDTS Area Coordinator and owner of Marshall Photography, donated her morning to taking some photos of our ministry products and some new profile shots of me for our brochures and website. Dawn has such a beautiful heart and is so willing to serve the Lord with her gifts. I am so grateful for her support of our ministry and for the amazing work she does as a NILMDTS photographer for bereaved parents. While I'm not a huge fan of getting my picture taken, (especially without having my husband and kids to hide behind!) she did a great job on the pictures! Thank you, sweet friend.




She took the above picture of our Comfort Bear and the Dreams of You Memory Book, which turned out lovely. I am so glad to finally have a picture of the Dreams of You Book that doesn't have a glare covering the letters! If you are not familiar with this part of our ministry, I just wanted to share a little about what we offer to grieving families. The Dreams of You Memory Book was a labor of love which began eight years after we lost our Faith and Grace and six years after Thomas' passing. My friend Tracy lost her baby, Kelly (my namesake) in 2003. I searched for a memory book suitable to give her to honor Kelly's short life. And nothing seemed adequate. There was a need for a book that parents could use to keep their memories and to record the dreams they had for their children. I started out praying and crying at my computer and cutting and pasting (literally) in a scrapbook fashion. Then, I went back to "simplify" (as Becki always says) and designed all the pages to be printed from the computer. But there was still a lot of hole punching and cutting as I put the books together by hand. Some of the original books looked like this:

As we began getting orders for the books, it became apparent that more "simplification" was in order. Back to the drawing board. More tears and prayers, as we worked to redesign the books. Our oldest son, Timothy, drew a little replica of the Comfort Bear for the cover with our sweet little Faith's reduced footprint in the heart of the Bear. Our baby girl's footprints truly are on every Dreams of You Memory Book that is given! We hired Shipman Advertising to professionally print our Dreams of You Memory Books, and after hours at the computer and more hours as the great folks at Shipman graciously made all the needed changes, we have the beautiful books that we offer today. Hundreds of families have been blessed with this book, which truly honors the life of these cherished babies and allows parents to have a beautiful, lasting, tangible memory to hold the lifetime of dreams they hold in their hearts.

The Comfort Bear you see next to the book was born from the heart of a grieving grandmother. A grandmother who ached for her little granddaughters...who would have showered them with all things pink and lace and full of glorious girliness! A grandmother who ached for her grandson...she would have attended every baseball game and listened to every dilemma. She was also a mother who ached as she watched her only daughter grieve with empty arms and a broken heart. So, that grandmother decided to make something as a small offering of comfort to fill the empty, aching arms of other grieving moms as they were wheeled out of the hospital to enter a world without their babies. She poured her heart into making her Comfort Bears, filling each with love and prayers, until she grew too ill to continue. She worked until about a month before she lost her battle with cancer and gained all of Heaven's glory where she would spend eternity with her arms full of the babies for whom my arms still ache. That Grandma was my mom, Kathy Rutter, a woman who could make the world around her beautiful with the things she made with her own hands. Today her Comfort Bears are still made with a Grandmother's love and prayers, as the Helping Hands Ministry works to sew each one. Her legacy and the legacy of Faith, Grace, and Thomas continues.

Mom's Bears


In case you are wondering, we are a 501 (c)3 non-profit organization. We are supported through donations from individuals, churches, organizations, and hospitals who give a suggested donation to offer our products to their patients. We do not require bereaved parents to pay for our products or services. As we are growing, and offering more products and services...donations from our supporters are much appreciated. God is always faithful to provide, and we stand in awe of His faithfulness and the generosity of His people. Our needs are growing; and we held our first fundraiser last summer. We will be holding another golf outing this summer and we are prayerfully considering other fundraising efforts. While that is not my favorite part of serving in ministry, it is necessary. If you feel led to donate to support our ministry, you can click the donate button on our sidebar. Your donations are 100% tax deductible. Please prayerfully consider supporting our efforts to reach out to more grieving families.

The following new additions are fairly limited and mostly offered locally at this time. The beautiful burial gowns, created and generously donated by Cindy Roller, come in a variety of sizes that would fit a twelve inch preemie to a full-term baby. And the beautiful bracelets for mother and baby are made by Marlene Carpenter, who makes gorgeous Creations from the Heart. Words cannot express my gratefulness to these women and so many others who donate their time and gifts to bless the broken- hearted in such a generous and selfless way. Thank you Jesus for your provision...and thank you to every willing heart for all you give to make this happen.



And...please prayerfully consider supporting some of our upcoming fundraisers.While we actually do not focus a great deal on fundraising and it's my least favorite part of ministry, we are hosting several events during the summer months. I work full-time with special needs children at our local school, so summer is the time to pack it in. We trust the Lord, who is always faithful to provide our needs. He is teaching me though, that He often multiplies the blessing when He uses His people to help meet those needs. Our God is faithful and good...and His grace is always sufficient! I sent an email today to many of our supporters with the following information:

Coming Events Summer 2009

Operation Support Sufficient Grace - Taking place in June, July, and August there will be several fundraiser events to support the efforts of Sufficient Grace Ministries.

June
Thirty One Fundraiser - During the month of June, Tammy will be donating 25% of her earnings from her business which sells beautiful and stylish purses, totes, and other personalized products. This is a wonderful Christian organization with quality products. To view the catalog, click here: http://www.mythirtyone.com/Simplify. If you wish to place an order during the month of June, please make sure you list "Sufficient Grace Ministries" under the party information, and 25% of the profits will be donated to Sufficient Grace. For more information about how you can order from Tammy and support Sufficient Grace, please visit our blog: http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com . Information coming soon (next week!). You can also email us at: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com

Ice Cream Social - (Still in the works...not etched in stone!) We would like to have an ice cream social/light luncheon in the month of June. Details coming soon. Check the blog: http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com . There will be a free will donation to benefit Sufficient Grace Ministries.


July

Sufficient Grace Ministries Second Annual Golf Outing - July 11, 2009 @ 1:30p.m.
1. Please pray for all details and preparations for this outing. For good weather...and willing hearts to give and participate. Please pray that all who attend would be blessed and that God would be glorified.
2. To register a four person team for the event, please contact Kelly @ sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com . Details will be coming soon on our blog, as well: http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com . Teams cost is $200 ($50 per person).
3. If you do not golf, or are not able to attend the event, there are still many ways you can help.
- Sponsor a Hole for $100 or share a hole sponsor for $50.
- Sponsor the Dinner for $250
- A Cart Sponsor or Beverage (non-alcoholic) $150
- A Donation in any amount can be given by clicking on the donate button on this website or mailing a donation.
- Prizes and auction items are welcome as well.

August
Possibly Planning a Ride for Grace Event - a Motorcycle Run to benefit Sufficient Grace Ministries Details coming soon! Check the blog for information: http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com.

August 21, 2009 Tim and Kelly (and guests) will be performing at the Corn City Festival at 11:30 a.m.

Thank you so much for stopping by...and may God richly bless you!

Any Given Sunday...

Any given Sunday, you will find us doing this... And even a little of this... ...reaping with songs of joy.

We are blessed to be able to take part in the Children's Worship at our church on Sunday mornings. It is a blessing, a privilege...and also, way fun!!! We get to rock out and sing from the tips of our toes to the top of our heads and shout and move. Tim gets to rock his guitar...or guitars! We get to praise the Lord, sometimes really loud...like the kids like it! Sometimes quiet, reflecting on His beauty and grace. Not always perfectly, but always with a joyful heart...making a joyful noise unto the Lord.

Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands!
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the Lord, He is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.
~Psalm 100:1-5

Those who know us well, know how far God has brought us...and the amazing grace that has been poured out upon us. May He get all the glory...as we celebrate the beauty that He makes from the ashes of our lives...

What Matters

Welcome to this week's Tuesdays Together in the Word. To join us, please click on the button below:



Busyness abounds in our lives. We rush around with full schedules, running here and there...working, building, making a home. Many of the things we are doing are good things, fun things, necessary things. But they still take our time and focus. Almost everyone around me seems a little stretched for time, a little busy. And, I am most certainly included among those who are frazzled and at times even overwhelmed with the day-to-day demands of this life. I've written many times about it...about my jumbled priorities and disorganization...about feeling overwhelmed. Much of it is necessary. Much of it is good. But, how much of it really matters? And how much of it could we do without?

This week's scriptures are excellent words to remind us of what really matters, starting with this:
For when he dies he shall carry nothing away;
His glory shall not descend after him.
~Psalm 49:17

Psalm 49 talks about those who focus all their time and energy on building wealth and glory. Please don't misunderstand, we have to work to make a living and we should focus some of our time and energy on that. We have to make a home, pay our bills, support our churches and ministries. But, how much of our focus is on material things? Are we seeking to have more than we need...to always have something more or bigger? Are we seeking glory in the things of this world? And, I love the message of this Psalm...you cannot take any of it with you. What does it really matter? What really matters is where we will be spending eternity...not how much stuff we accumulated on this earth and how much glory we achieved.

So...what really matters? What should really be the focus of our attention, the desire of our hearts, the attitude with which we approach the day's agenda? Let's look to Philippians chapter 4 to find out.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

We are not to be anxious or overwhelmed when we look at the needs before us...but instead we should pray with a thankful heart, and trust the Lord to handle what lies ahead. In return, He fills us with peace as a trade for our anxiety...and not peace as the world gives us. Not a fleeting moment of peace, but a deep abiding peace that comes from a loving, able God...a peace that is not dependent on circumstances...a peace that surpasses all human understanding. A peace that guards our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Oh...sweet peace.

What should we focus our thoughts on?

Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things. ~ Phil. 4:8

Guess what, if you read to verse nine, you'll find that the trade-off for focusing our thoughts on the things which are true, noble, just, pure, lovely and of good report is...more peace. Peace sounds so much better than frazzled and overwhelmed...so much better.

Another good place to be...resting in the arms of our Father, trusting Him to meet our needs...no matter what state we are in. No matter how things look with our limited human eyes. Knowing that He is not only able...but willing to meet all of our needs.

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~Phil. 4:11-13


How can we learn to be content everywhere and in all things? Because, we know the One who promises to meet all of our needs according to His riches and glory...

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen. ~ Phil. 4:18-20

Memorial Day

This morning at the Memorial Day Parade and ceremony, this verse was read:

For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
~Psalm 61:3

James watching the parade. The flags had just passed and his eyes were on the veterans.


James and Daddy




James and Grandpa


Remembering those who gave their lives for our freedom...remembering those who have served and sacrificed...remembering with a thankful heart.

Before

In 1996 when we met and said goodbye to our Faith and Grace and in 1998 when we met and said good-bye to our Thomas Patrick, things were much different than they are today. When Faith and Grace were born, we held them briefly while I sang Amazing Grace and said a prayer. The nurses took them and shot some poor quality polaroids (although we do appreciate their attempts). We were given a little bundle with their tiny preemie diapers, the polaroids, and the book Empty Arms and sent on our not-so-merry way. When we received the fatal diagnosis of Potter's Syndrome midway through our pregnancy with Thomas, we heard the words "incompatible with life" for the first time and we were sent on our not-so-merry (read: grief stricken, forsaken-feeling, heart broken) way. To make a choice. An impossible choice.

It was before.

Before Be Not Afraid...

Before Waiting With Gabriel and perinatal hospice...

Before String of Pearls...

Before Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

Before we were inspired by the journeys of MckMama and Stellan, Angie and Audrey Caroline, Stacy and Isaac, Lynette Kraft and her sweet babies, before Names were Written in the Sand and so many other bloggers who courageously clung to the Lord and His promises in the midst of the storm as He held them in the grip of His grace...

It was before I even had a computer!

It was still on the outskirts of a time when you quietly grieved as the world moved on. We did continue our pregnancy with Thomas, but we didn't have a maternity Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photo shoot. We didn't feel the we could embrace and fully cherish our time with Thomas with the outside world, at least. I did cherish it in the quiet of my heart. We felt weak, often just clinging to the Lord to get through. I didn't have a birth plan...didn't know there was such a thing. I didn't know anyone else who chose to continue their pregnancy, and some in the medical profession thought we were crazy for doing so. (Not my wonderful, compassionate maternal fetal medicine doctor, Dr. M...but some.) I did live from month to month...ultrasound to ultrasound because I knew that short of a miracle from God, this would be the only time I had with my sweet Thomas. And I longed to see him on the screen...I longed to meet him face to face. I did feel sometimes that my pregnant belly was a source of sorrow and a reminder of the loss to come to my family who had already buried our sweet baby girls less than two years prior to this pregnancy. I did struggle with dealing with being pregnant around others in our tiny town who could see my visibly pregnant belly and thought that I was joyfully expecting new life. And not awaiting my baby's death.

God did speak to my heart that no matter what the outcome, whether Thomas was healed physically on this earth or whether He was made complete in heaven...He would live. He would live and his life would be a miracle...no matter what. So...I was expecting new life. New beautiful, amazing life. He spoke it to my heart as I read of Lazarus in John 11..."This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it." (John 11:4) Of course, my aching mother's heart at first thought the Lord was speaking to me that my Thomas would not die. (And really He was...but I didn't get it at first.) Over the course of a few days, the message sunk in...no matter what the outcome, Thomas will live. Because later in verses 25-26, Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though He may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?"

Yes, Lord...I believe this...and I finally understood. No matter what, Thomas would live. Years before this message of truth was heard around the world through the journey of a sweet MckMama and her precious MckMuffin, God whispered this promise to my heart in the quiet of my kitchen as my tears dripped onto the bible before me.

We had a quiet, private service for our babies when they passed. And, people didn't know what to say, how to comfort us, how to support us. We were quiet, not displaying pictures...not sharing the lives of our sweet children with the world. We were quiet as we were carried through the relentless waves of grief, sharing it with only those closest to us...rarely discussing it with one another. At the time, we were just trying to survive. I didn't have the voice to share their journey for many years. But, in 2004, God did begin to awaken my heart to share Faith and Grace and Thomas with others...to reach out to offer comfort and hope. And, he gave me a voice.

Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and families) was born.

I am so grateful for the support and inspiration we have today from the organizations I listed above and from the brave mothers and families who have shared their babies with the world. That we may all have a voice. That mothers who walk this journey know that they don't walk alone. That because of their courage, their faith, because of God's unbelievable grace...the families who walk this path today can know that others have walked before them....cherishing the gift of life, no matter how brief. The message that every life matters, every life holds purpose and value...that message gives other moms the courage to trust God to carry them and their babies through with His sufficient grace. Thank you to all of you, for lending your voice to tell your stories...to to tell His story.
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Having said all of that, I just want to end with a little forewarning to all. Sufficient Grace Ministries is on my heart this morning (well, always!). Reaching out to more families and meeting the increasing needs of those families is a passion that God has planted in my heart since he gave me the voice to tell our story five years ago. And, we are getting ready to start Operation Support Sufficient Grace - a series of fundraisers to support the efforts of our non-profit ministry. I often struggle with the fundraising aspect of ministry. It is definitely not the main focus of what we do. Actually, we began in 2004 with just our own finances and the support of a few. We did not even have our first fundraiser until last year. (It was a golf outing...and we will be doing it again this year...details to come soon!)

In the beginning, donations came here and there and God always has met our needs. He is faithful to provide and we trust Him to meet our needs. What we have learned is that He often does meet our needs through His people...and that sometimes people need to know there is a need. So, I am humbly learning that fundraisers can be an opportunity to share with willing hearts that there is a need, and that God blesses both the giver and the receiver in the process! Plus, asking others to support Sufficient Grace Ministries is not something I am doing for me...to exalt myself in any way. It is something I am doing because of our vision to reach out to offer comfort and support to grieving families. We do not charge bereaved parents for our products or services. And we desire to keep it that way. The reality is that there are costs, and in order to continue meeting the growing needs of families, we do need to raise funds. We are not currently funded by any government organizations, just willing, generous hearts of our supporters. We do also receive some of funding from suggested donations we ask for our products when a hospital, photographer, funeral home, or other organization orders our products. (That is why you see a suggested donation amount listed.) We do not profit from that...all proceeds are used to give more products and supports to the families who come to us from all around the country. O.K....so along with this warning that I will be blogging about our upcoming fundraising events, I also have something to ask all of you.

Number one...please pray the Lord's guidance, blessing, and provision on the upcoming fundraising events.

Number two...if the Lord leads you to donate to support our ministry, there will be various ways to do so coming up...even if you are not local. And, you can always click on our Donate button on the right sidebar. Donations are tax deductible. We are a legally recognized 501 c 3 non-profit organization.

Number three...In addition to the "in real life" fundraiser opportunities, I would like to do a bloggy fundraiser or two. Does anyone out there have any ideas or is anyone willing to help with that? Maybe a chip in/giveaway/raffle type thing? I'm open to suggestions. And willing hearts to spread the word when the time comes.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your love and support.

Sweet Baby James

You may have read the story of our Faith, Grace, and Thomas. You may have read about the man voice. But, I haven't really shared the story of my youngest son, James. You've seen his second grade smile. You may know a tale or two of his lively little boy ways. But today, on this walk down memory lane, I want to share about his beginning. His amazing, miraculous beginning. We talk a lot here about the beauty of sufficient grace. The story of our sweet baby James is another piece of our tapestry full of beautiful grace. I hope you'll walk with me a little while this Wednesday...

Several months ago, I was tucking James into bed and reading from his children's bible. The bible story shared a miracle. Sadly, I cannot remember the exact miracle, but I do remember our conversation. We were praying for healing for a sick baby and comfort for grieving moms.

James said, "Mom, that was back in the bible time. Jesus doesn't do miracles like that anymore."

"Oh, really?" I replied with raised eyebrows. "I'm looking at a real live miracle right now!"

"What do you mean, Mom?"

"Well, when you were growing in my tummy, you were very sick."

"Like Faith, and Grace and Thomas??"

"Well, kind of. Timothy and Daddy and Mommy prayed for a baby to come to our house and stay. Faith, Grace, and Thomas went to heaven and we were very sad because we missed them. And then came you. But the doctors found a little tear near the placenta...the part that feeds the baby while in the mommy's tummy. And the doctors said that there was a 50% chance that you may not live."

"Really?"

"Yes...and we waited and prayed. God healed you...and you are here today. So, Mr. James...God still definitely does miracles. I'm looking at one. It's you!"

"Wow...I guess He does still does do miracles." He smiled and sat a little taller. "He let me stay!" He grinned.
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After we said goodbye to our twin daughters, Faith and Grace, and less than 2 years later our son Thomas, we were not sure if we would have any more children. I longed for a baby to fill our house with joy and to fill my aching empty arms. But, we didn't know if we could endure another loss. And pregnancy is very hard on my body, as well. Carrying our twins has left me with compromised health in some areas that make pregnancy very difficult for me.

Then, I discovered I was expecting a baby. And, I determined from the very beginning that I wanted to allow hope and joy...knowing that this would probably be our last chance to carry a child. I wanted to cherish every moment of this life, no matter how much time we were given.

The stress on our marriage at the time was insurmountable. We were struggling with grief and fear. Three months into the pregnancy, I started bleeding. I went to the hospital and the ER technician said that there was some sort of tear in the placenta.
We went to Dr. M in the morning, and he said that there was a subchorion hematoma. There was a 50% chance that it would resolve itself or a 50% chance that I would lose the baby. Preterm labor is also a concern. Well, I had been given 20% with Faith and Grace. And less than 1% with Thomas. So, 50% was a little scary, but it was better odds than we had seen in awhile.

I went home, still determined to hope...still clinging in prayer. Holding on to whatever shreds of joy I could grasp.

I continued to bleed...continued to pray...continued to wonder and wait.

And, several weeks into the journey, that would have felt precarious without the bleeding and percentages, I stopped bleeding. The baby boy within my womb grew and thrived. There was not too much amniotic fluid...and not too little. I held my breath and lived from ultrasound to ultrasound.

We had a baby shower. And Tim put together the swing and the bouncy seat. It was a big step...a giant step to fill our house with baby things. For us, it would never again be a guarantee that a pregnancy meant a baby would come to live at our house. But we did prepare a bedroom...and I continued to hope. It was a battle to hold on to hope and joy...a daily, consuming battle.

But on a sunny day in May, ...our sweet baby James was born after a grueling labor and a lot of pushing. I didn't hear the cry at first. The cry I had longed to hear for several years.

"Make him cry, Dr. M.... I don't hear a cry!" Familiar panic tightened around my throat and squeezed my palpitating heart.

And then...it came, filling the room with it's glory, surrounding me like a healing balm. The sweetest sound on this earth...the sound of a newborn baby cry...the sound of new life...my baby...my sweet, sweet baby...alive and crying in my arms. Tim looked stunned as James was placed in his arms. "Stunned" soon gave way to joy. We had a baby boy! A boy who had come to stay! Timothy came and held his brother...finally, he would not be denied. This baby would be coming home with us...to complete our family.

And...he most certainly did. There have been some little health quirks along the way for James, but he is for the most part a healthy, active boy. And again I say, "Those who sow in tears will with reap with songs of joy."

And we did...and we are...reaping with songs of joy.

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A little note on this: God's miracles come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes God calms the storm...sometimes He quiets the child. Sometimes He gives physical healing on this earth...sometimes He heals by taking a soul to heaven - the ultimate, complete, and permanent healing. They are all miracles. The teenager that grows as we speak (blog) made us parents and is truly a miracle. The three sweet babies who spend their days dancing in heaven are most certainly valued miracles whose lives have touched thousands, and whose lives were used to draw us closer to the Lord and show us more of who He is. And, sweet baby James, who beat the odds and was "allowed to stay" (as both boys have said) with us is most certainly a miracle. But none is more precious or valued than the other. We know that we don't always get the earthly miracle. We know that...and when we don't, His grace is sufficient to carry us...and even that...even the beauty that comes from such hideous ashes...the beauty of a changed heart, a changed life...is truly a miracle, indeed. Maybe the most beautiful miracle of all...

A Little Love and Encouragement

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I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ...
Philippians 1:3-6

I love the body of Christ. Love my church family. Love the ladies (and the gentlemen) who serve with me in ministry. Love the mothers who join me in lifting weekly prayers for our children at Moms in Touch. I love the total strangers I have met in blog land who pray for, encourage, inspire, and walk with me. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I thank my God upon every remembrance of you. And I do pray for you, joyfully and fervently. What fellowship we have in the gospel, in the good news of Jesus.

And...I love the next part. Love this promise. He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ. He is not finished with us yet. He began the work in us...the process of making us a new creation in Him. And He will not quit until we are complete. That's a promise. He is working in our lives. Weaving a tapestry, using everything that comes into our lives to complete His good work. There are moments of amazing joy and victory...moments of great, heartwrenching sorrow and defeat. There are lessons learned. Sins and repentance. Our tears, our laughter, our will...all part of the tapestry. Our quirks, our strengths, our weaknesses, our dreams, our longings, every thought, every desire of our hearts...woven together. And, oh...what a beautiful tapestry it will be when the master Creator finishes His good work. How beautiful we already are to the One who sees us as we will be...not as we are in our unfinished state.

Can I just say that out in the cold selfish world, we don't often hear such loving sentiments? We don't often hear that we are treasured, that someone is grateful for our part in their lives, and that we are prayed for. This is not so among the body of Christ. After Paul thanks God for his fellow believers, he prays further. We see the love in the body of Christ in Paul's words: And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and in all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. ~ Philippians 1:9-11 What if we prayed this way for one another? What if the world actually operated with such love and respect for one another? Even within the body of Christ, we don't always operate in this way...we don't always encourage and pray. Sometimes, sadly our words are even discouraging. Lord, help us to have a heart that loves this way...a spirit that encourages. May we spur one another on.

There is so much about encouraging and truly loving one another in sweet unity in these verses in Philippians.

Stand fast in unity...worthy conduct...strength in numbers...
Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may heart of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel, and not in any way terrified by your adversaries... Phil. 1:27-28

And specific instructions on how to treat one another...
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. ~ Phil. 2:1-4

There are so many more nuggets...wisdom exhorting us to do all things without complaining or disputing. (As a mama, I have used these words many times to exhort my little men - and to remind myself when the "I dont' wannas" overtake me!) But I want to leave you with this. Many who read this blog have suffered terrible loss. Many come with broken hearts due to various struggles. The following verse reminded me of the hope we have in Jesus...that He doesn't waste anything in our lives...that He has plans that are good, a future and a hope for us.

No matter what we face. If there is one purpose in our lives, one truth, one goal, one theme, let it be this:
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel... ~ Philippians 1:12

In all things, may He be glorified...and may He draw us closer still...and may more come to know His saving grace...

Love to you all...

Aye, Aye, Aye...a Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Aye, Aye, Aye! That's all I can say about the sad events that have NOT transpired on the golf course the past couple weeks. On Mother's Day, I did NOT skip unto the golf course with my pink golf bag and matching pink accessories with high hopes for some good golf and quality family time.

I did NOT proceed to play as if I've never touched a golf club before, instead of playing like someone who has attended the Women's Golf Clinic three years in a row and who golfs weekly...in a couples league. No way...that was NOT me.

I did NOT continue to play horrendously and want to shout and say words I don't normally say! I did NOT proceed to get increasingly irritable as my ball would sadly roll just a few feet in front of me with each wholehearted swing attempt. When I totalled the score card at the end of the round, it was not determined to be quite arguably the worst game in the history of my extensive (read: pathetic) golf career. Furthermore, my eight year old son did NOT legitimately and quite heartily beat me...on Mother's Day...dashing my high hopes for a good day of golf. The Tims did NOT thoroughly enjoy the display!

And...this weekend, I did NOT have a repeat performance of the aforementioned worst golf day ever...during couples league...at our home course...where other human beings could witness my demise. Of course...that's impossible. There is no way to golf this hopelessly bad two weeks in a row. I did NOT golf worse than when I began the game. It was NOT like playing crochet or ping pong (if you count the balls ricocheting off the trees when they did make it in the air...and coming right back at me!) I did NOT state rather definitively more than once that I hate golf and will never play again. I did NOT almost break the cardinal rule of golf..."There's no crying on the golf course" more than once. Tim did NOT proclaim that I almost really was playing crochet when the ball almost went through two sign posts on a tiny sign. The ball did not instead ricochet off the sign and fly to the right on the side of a hill. I did NOT laugh hysterically at Tim's proclamation...so hard I could barely swing the club. The scenery was NOT so beautiful that it took my breath away...and I did NOT thoroughly enjoy the time with my Tim, despite the stench of my golf game.

I did NOT seriously consider naming this post, "Why I Hate Golf". (Remember the post when I pledged my undying love to this wretched sport?) And I most certainly did NOT beg my husband to call and get me a lesson with Tony at the Golf Shop before I set foot on the course again. No way...I would never.

You will NOT find me in the yard trying desperately to correct the problem when I should be doing the laundry. I will NOT be the one with the bandaid on my ring finger covering the spot where the skin ripped off yesterday from swinging the club too many times. After all, it's only a game. I wouldn't let something so minor get to me! No way...NOT ME!

Have a great NOT ME! MONDAY, all...thanks for stopping by!

Living

I've talked a little about sometimes feeling like I'm just merely surviving the day and not truly living...making the most of each day. Yesterday, I mentioned the rain...and a bit of a melancholy spirit. Today, was not a day of just surviving. Today, the sun was shining...and I was living...truly living.

I was blessed to attend the Special Olympics in our area today. The entire first grade class of the student I work with was allowed to attend the Olympics to support their classmate, who was participating. So, we loaded on the bus equipped with signs to hold up as we cheered him on. It was a beautiful day, which began with a storm...but ended with sunshine and held some moments in the middle that I will never forget.

He ran the first race like lightning, with his walker wheels flying, to the finish, where I stood waiting and cheering him on to victory. His efforts earned a first place ribbon...which he accepted with a big grin on his face. As he lined up for the next race, it appeared that he would be the only one competing in his division. His class began chanting "Go_________, Go!" Soon, the entire section of the field stopped what they were doing and joined the chant, cheering on this determined, precious soul. He slowed his pace and stopped in the middle of the track to turn to his class as they shouted his name. The energy was electrifying as more voices joined those already cheering. The moment was overwhelming. Tears streamed down my face...and even now, as I write these words, the tears come. My heart swelled with pride for his accomplishment, and humility that God notices every little one of us. He gave him that moment, with the entire stands shouting his name, cheering him on. That beautiful, amazing moment. "Keep going, dear one. I love you...I see you...you are a much loved, dearly treasured gift. I delight over you with singing." As I stood in the shadow of his moment, I felt the same words being whispered into my soul, nourishing, restoring, strengthening me. The same God who caused strangers to rise to their feet and shout the name of a child they did not know, loves me...sings over me...sees me as a dearly loved, treasured gift.

I ran beside him for a moment, reminding him to finish the race and he ran into the arms of his dad...with another big grin...and another blue ribbon.

And today...today was about living. Really living...

So, dear ones: Finish the race...your Dad is waiting at the finish line with His arms wide open...waiting for you...

(Oh...and thank you all for your prayers and kind thoughts. I am still physically under the weather, but my spirit is encouraged!)

Friends and Seasons

You know how they say there are different seasons of our lives? And some people are only in our lives for a season. Well, I don't like that very much. It's one of the reasons (one among many) that I'm going to love heaven. No more good-byes. No one that will only be in our lives for a season.

I'm not feeling very well today, and there is supper that needs cooking, a tired, hungry husband who would appreciate the aforementioned supper, a little boy that needs tickled, and a teenager somewhere that I'm sure has been saving up some sass just for me. So, I will try to be brief. Also, as an added bonus, it is a chilly, rainy day. Now I know some of you out there love you a good rainy day. I am not really a fan...unless of course I am allowed to spend it in my bed under the covers with a good book, which is really where I wanted to be all day today. But, I wasn't. I was at work...so I didn't love the rainy day. Anyway, my mood is a little cloudy. Sorry about that.

On my mind today are those friends in my life who have been so dear to me...but only stayed for a season. As far as friends go, Tim and I are quite blessed with some pretty amazing people. We live in the town where we grew up and our children attend the school where we went as children. I even work at my childhood school, alongside my childhood teachers. We love our church family and love to spend Saturday evening and Sunday morning with them. We have friends that have been in our lives since we were twelve (and...even younger than that!). Friends that have supported us through the losses we've endured...through my mother's illness...who support us in our efforts to serve through our ministry...friends who laugh and cry and pray with us. I have friends to golf with, talk with, reminisce with, and lunch and shop with. Some friends...special, dear friends walked with us through the valley of the shadow of death (more than once). And I mean walked with!

Some friends just get you...you know what I mean? It's so great to connect...to find people who know you (flaws included) and love you anyway. Friends you can just "be" with...no effort, no facade...just be. We all need a place where we are just loved and accepted. No strings attached. I have had a few friends like that. And recently...one of my favorite lunching shopping, being-"me"-with friends has moved on to a new season. It is a mutual drifting as we are going separate ways, but I am not a fan of this moving on. It breaks my heart that we change and tear away from relationships. I like the never say good-bye part of heaven. On my mind today are several sweet friends who spent much time walking through various journeys with me, but who are in another season now. I miss them.

Lately, I have less time and interest in the lunching/shopping stuff. (Not that I've spent an overabundance of time doing these things before.) But I find myself kind of nestling in with my family and focusing more on the needs before me. I want to enjoy life...and I am a huge fan of fun! But, I also have appreciated something in blogland that I haven't found much in real life friendships (although there are a few dear friends who have been supportive - and you know who you are! Thank you!). In blogland, I have found some who are really focused on reaching out to comfort grieving families or to share the love of Jesus. While many encourage and support us, and we are so grateful, not many in my life are burdened or understand the passionate desire in my heart for Sufficient Grace Ministries. That's O.K....I understand that. God lays different things on our hearts. It isn't something I can really share and have someone understand.

Until now. I am so thankful for blog friends I have met who share the desire to reach out to others and share the comfort that God has given them as they have walked through various trials. Hearts that are burdened to pray for grieving mothers and to offer them hope. I am blessed and encouraged daily by so many of you. And while my heart breaks for the friendships whose seasons have ended in my life...I rejoice at the new friendships I have been blessed with...the bond of connection that I feel with some I have never met. What a beautiful gift. Thank you for your part in that. Thank you for making this path a little less lonely. A lot less lonely.

Love to all...

Liberty

Welcome to this week's Tuesdays Together in the Word. To join us, please click on the button below:


Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. ~ Galatians 5:1

Freedom. Men have longed for it, bled and died for it, written about it, spoken fondly of it, and fought to protect it. Families have risked life and limb for the promise of it.

Freedom...liberty. A beautiful gift we enjoy in this great land of ours. A land where we can worship as we please, work where we wish, send our children to the schools we choose, and vote for leaders to uphold the law of our land. We have choices and freedoms that we enjoy and maybe even take for granted everyday. The freedom we enjoy came at a price. Brave men and women have given their lives for the freedom we hold dear. Wives have waited at home, praying for husbands...for the fathers of their children...praying for their safe return. Mothers have said good-bye to sons (and daughters).

Yes, our liberty comes at a dear price. And, although we speak of being free...are we really? We enjoy so many choices, and opportunities are all around. But are we truly free? Are we free from the burdens of sin, selfish choices, our past, debts, the opinions of others, the cares of this world? Do we walk and talk as one who has been freed from the yoke of bondage that once held us in it's grip? The ways of the world that we once followed?

Just as we enjoy freedoms in our country because of the sacrifice of generations of brave men and women, our freedom from the bondage of sin came at a great price. Jesus gave His very life to buy our freedom...to pay our debt...to grant us complete liberty in Him...the ultimate opportunity of a new life, a new identity. He promises to make us a new creation in Him, cleansing us and forgiving us of our sins...freeing us from the bondage of all that entangles us...all that wears us down, all that is keeping us from being the person He intended us to be. He wants us to be free to spread our wings and soar.

I often find myself feeling burdened and entangled. Sometimes it is with the day-to-day schedule. The to-do list. The mounting disorganization of my house, my purse, my car, my office/basement, my thoughts...my entire life! I don't always "feel" free. Sometimes I feel like the prisoner who has been set free, and stands in the cell with the doors wide open. He just has to walk through. Like I'm holding my breath and waiting for life to begin. Like I'm just putting my head down and surviving the day, instead of really living the most of each moment. Seeking what the Lord has for me in every breath. The prison walls have come tumbling down. He has granted me complete freedom. He wants to see me fly... and sometimes, I just stand there.

Please don't get me wrong. I know that I am already completely free in Him. He has already granted me that freedom, and in many ways, I do take His hand and experience the joy of walking in liberty. But sometimes, I sense that there is more freedom from the burdens of this world...that He has something more for me that I have yet to grasp. A different way to live. A freedom that I sometimes experience...sometimes I have tasted a hint of what He has for me. Sometimes, my flesh is quiet and my spirit feels fully free...unburdened, unentangled by the cares of this world, complete. Other times, it is a great battle to stand fast in the the liberty by which Christ has made us free...a "taking every thought captive into the obedience of Christ" battle.

Why is it a battle? Because I grow weary when I try to go out over and over in my own strength. I grow weary of the ways of this world, the inadequacies of my flesh, the ugliness of my sin. Weary of my out-of-order list of priorities. Weary is not good.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith. ~ Galatians 6:9-10

And...what helps us to keep from getting weary? What reminds us of the beautiful freedom we have in the arms of our Lord? Encouragement...how I have longed for encouragement today. And, I found it in His Word. (Big surprise!) :)

And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all, just as we do to you, so that He may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all His saints. ~ Galatians 3:12-13

So, we must stand fast in liberty...Keep our eyes on Jesus, and Keep on Keeping on in Him...abounding in love, resisting weariness, and resting in the promise of the sweet freedom that is ours if we surrender all to the One who set us free.

The Missing Place...and Another Place You Won't Often Find Me...

I woke up a few hours ago, suddenly overcome with the heaviness of grief. Overcome with the "missing", as I often refer to it in real life. You see, I am not in the fresh throws of grief over the losses in my life, like so many are (so many that are on my heart daily). I have written about the beauty that comes from the ashes of our sorrow...the sufficient grace we are blessed with daily. Of the hope we have in Jesus. And, the truth is that we do have hope...and that when He makes the beauty in our lives the ugliness of the ashes for the most part fades away. When He does a new thing, He does a new thing...the old passes away. I cried many tears, oceans of tears in the thick of my grief, but God has restored my joy. Completely, abundantly restored my joy. I say that so that you will have hope. The same God who carried me through the storms of grief will carry you too, if you cry out to Him. And He will restore your joy, as well.

In saying that, I hope what I am about to say does not take away from the steadfast truth that our joy is restored. There is still something that we will always carry, until we are in Heaven's glory. Something that will not be fully restored until that sweet day of redemption. There is a place that most of the time is masked as I walk through my days. I call it the place of "missing". Something can sweep past me and unmask the covering over that tender spot in my heart...the spot of missing. And the ache will wash over me anew...the ache of missing the one who is lost. The spot is tender and raw and the ache is deep. It could be a memory that suddenly appears. It could be the sorrow of seeing someone else walking in the valley of shadow of death. It could be the changing of seasons as the winds blow in, reminding us of the passing of time, and days gone by.

Although I spend a lot of time with those who grieve...praying for them...walking with them...seeking ways to support them...remembering my own days of great sorrow so that I can have compassion and understanding...I do not consider myself one to wallow in my grief. Those who know me probably wouldn't describe me as melancholy or a woman of sorrows. Probably, a better description (one I like better, anyway) is my friend Dinah's mother, Ruth who always referred to me as the "girl who laughs".
But there are days...moments when the "missing" comes, and it will...as long as I walk this Earth.

Mother's Day is this weekend, and the "missing" is so strong this morning...the missing of the generations surrounding me. I am so grateful for the gift of being a mother. So thankful to see my boys live life with such zeal...the kind of zeal that only boys can display! So grateful that that I am called "mom". I'm also thankful for the short time I was allowed to mother Faith and Grace...for the tender moments I carried them within me and learned their personalities...for the gift of briefly holding them in my arms...and that I was allowed to see them wearing pink lace and ribbons, if only for their funeral. I'm so grateful for the time I was given with sweet Thomas...for all the lessons his life taught us about faith, and believing without seeing...for the moments I held him in my arms...for the moment he opened his eyes and looked up at his mama...for the immense privilege of singing to him as he went straight from my arms to the arms of Jesus. I'm thankful that I have been allowed to tell their story, and that others have been comforted through our ministry because of their brief lives...lives that hold precious value. And I am thankful that I am my mother's daughter...that God redeemed the years the moth had eaten and restored the broken places in our relationship before she passed. Thankful that He showed her His great love for her and that she received it. I am thankful that she no longer feels the physical pain that wreaked havoc on her body the last ten years of her life. Thankful that her arms no longer ache for her grand babies, and her heart no longer aches to be loved perfectly. I'm thankful for her grace and beauty and all the gifts she gave me in this life.

I am thankful...but aching...and missing...missing them.

After Mother's Day, comes Memorial Day. And, with a Marine as my step dad and also a Marine brother-in-law, Memorial Day is not something that means just a day off school (although we are always happy to have a day off school!). Attending the Memorial Day Parade and Ceremony is not negotiable. And we have come to love it...to cherish it...to instill in our children the importance of honoring and remembering those who have sacrificed their lives for our freedom...to honor the memory of those who have gone before us. I expect my boys to wave their flag with pride and put their hand over their hearts when the flag passes by and keep it there until every last veteran parades past.

Why am I talking about Memorial Day in the middle of my post about the "missing place"? Well, because it's also a day where all the cemetery plots are decorated nicely because many will be visiting on that day to pay their respects. The cemetery is on my mind this morning. I've had a little tugging on my heart to take out some flowers and to check on the graves of my babies and my mother. I don't want them to look sloppy when everyone else's look cared for and loved. (Although my step dad religiously visits my mother's grave and cares for it...as do others in our family.)The thing is...I am not a very good grave caretaker or visitor of graves...at all. Sometimes years have passed without me visiting. I know this is a tender subject. I see so many of you visiting and caring for the graves of your children. I know that in a way, it is an act of mothering for many. And that some find great peace and comfort in such a beautiful serene place. And, I can understand that and there is
beauty in it...in that act of love. In the early days of my grief when my arms ached so desperately to hold my babies, I did visit more...needing to perform some act of mothering...even if it just meant putting flowers on a grave. I hope you won't judge me for struggling with it, myself.

Many feel close to their child or loved one at the cemetery. I do not. I do not wish to remember that day of raw grief. I do not wish to think of them there. The ache is smothering for me in that place. And the finality that I don't believe to be true. It just doesn't bring me comfort. And sometimes, I feel guilty that I don't visit. I have even tried a couple times. And, I will say, it is easier for me to visit the grave of my children than my mother's. I will pull in sometimes and start to walk toward it...and then back away. I just cannot. I take comfort from thinking of them alive and in heaven with Jesus...where I know that they are. And, I know those of you who visit the grave...many of you take comfort in heaven's promise as well. But for me, I do not even wish to look upon the grave.

This year, I am going though. I may not stay. I may quickly put the stakes of my floral arrangement in the ground and back away from the smothering ache. But, I will go. And I will leave pretty flowers in a place that seems dull and gray to me. A picture of beauty from ashes. And when I leave and the ache comes like it has come this morning, I will take some time to weep in my Father's lap...for the daughters and son my arms still ache for and for the mother's voice I long to hear. He will wipe my tears and remind me that I will hold them again and I will hear her voice. And...when that sweet, sweet day comes it will take away, forever, the ache of the missing place. And, I'll never have to visit the grave of someone I love...ever again.

Grandpa Dundee

O.K...I'm totally late to the party...but I hope you'll walk with me a little anyway. To share your own sweet memories click the button above and link up on Lynette's blog. Happy Wednesday Walking...



Today, I just wanted to share a little about my Grandpa Dundee. That's what we called him when we were kids, (because he had a Crocodile Dundee hat). It was a late eighties movie for those of you who have no idea who Crocodile Dundee is. Anyway...Grandpa Dundee has always been quite a character. He would always tell us stories...elaborate, unbelievable stories. We never really knew if they were true or not, but then again, Grandpa was such a character anything seemed possible. One story involved a bar and a peacock. Some were from his boxing days...or stories about other interesting characters he knew. He served in the army, and then worked construction in the mountains. He was on the crews that blew up mountains and made roads through them. (Yes, I know that could have been described much better...but I'm not on top of my game today, O.K.?) He had an Atari and an Intellivision that we loved. And a keyboard that played different rhythms. He usually lived in places that had hills or mountains...so it was always a beautiful drive. Much more to feast our eyes on than the flat lands of our home in the Midwest. I especially loved to visit him in the fall when the trees were changing colors. Gorgeous tree-covered mountain splendor. We would play car bingo and eat snacks on the way. One time, we found the best walking stick ever and walked around the mountains with our find. My brothers loved it! You really can't beat a good walking stick. Grandpa was telling us stories about mountain lions (which may or may not have actually lived in the area) while we walked.

Don't ask me why...but right now I'm remembering a story my mom told me about when she was young and they lived in the hills. They had a neighbor they called "Billy-Rud-Dud" who would slide down the hill on his bottom. My mom had four brothers and one sister. They didn't spend a lot of time with Grandpa Dundee (mom's dad) growing up. He and my grandmother divorced, and he wasn't around very much. There were a lot of things about that time I'd rather not share, but it wasn't a pleasant parting. Mom made peace with her dad, though and they remained close. So close, in fact that he was someone she leaned on a great deal during her battle with cancer.

When she lay in the hospice center battling for her life, Grandpa rarely left her side. We never left mom alone for the four weeks she lived at the hospice center. My stepdad was there most of the time, of course. And, although there were family members in and out daily, it was Grandpa, my little brother Sean and I that stayed there together a lot of the time. We would all sleep in the room with mom. One on a cot, one in the recliner, and Grandpa on the uncomfortable chair right beside her bed. We argued about what caused which war, who was the best boxer of all time, which Rocky movie was best. We shared memories. We laughed when Grandpa would get frazzled about something and couldn't get the words out right (that's happened since his stroke a couple years ago. Don't judge us for laughing...our family laughs about almost anything! It is a term of endearment...and we were laughing with him, not at him.) I read the bible, prayed, and sang to mom. We cried and laughed as we went through the box of pictures I brought to jog our memories. We ate our meals in the hospice cafeteria. We sat together in silence. We went through the motions together in exhaustion.

We didn't sleep, except for maybe a couple hours here and there for that entire month. I never knew it was possible to survive on so little sleep. When mom was awake and coherent, we soaked in every moment. And through it all, grandpa sat by her side. He was so loving and such a trooper. The day I collapsed exhausted and was a little out of my mind. (Apparently when you go so long without sleep, your body can break down and you react as if you are completely intoxicated.) I was crying and not making sense. They carried me out of there. As Grandpa drove me home to try and get some sleep, my brother kept trying to make me laugh.

There was so much about that time that I don't know if I can ever share. But walking through it with them bonded us in a special way. Maybe like it bonds soldiers who fight in a war beside each other. Those that were there know what it was like. And we were all grateful that we didn't walk that path alone.

So, whatever happened in the past between our crazy old Grandpa Dundee and our family, we will always remember the beautiful love he showed during those last days with our sweet mother.

Grandpa was just battling for his own life in the hospital recently. He woke up not able to walk. He crawled to the door and drove himself to the hospital. After frightening a nurse when he motioned to her to come to the car (it was the middle of the night.), someone finally brought him a wheelchair and got him into the hospital. Yes...most people would have just called the EMS. Grandpa Dundee is not most people. After being told, his chances were very grim. And if he walked again, he would have to recover in a nursing home, Grandpa said, (not so sweetly) that he would have none of it. He walked out of the hospital several days later. And he is currently at home, in his house in the country, refusing a nurse's care. Watching the squirrels slide down the pole (that he greased, so they couldn't steal the bird seed in the bird feeder!) And eating his six year old turkey jerky. Because he can.

Out of the Pit

Welcome to this week's Tuesdays Together in the Word. To join us, please click on the button below:



I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth-
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
~ Psalm 40:1-3

How many of us have cried out to the Lord? How many of us have been "brought up out of the horrible pit"? I can close my eyes and see the darkness of the pit surrounding me...the miry muck of death and sin...loss and grief...despair and hopelessness? The heavy darkness. On my face...crying out. And then...the lifting. The cleansing. The freedom. The light. He doesn't just lift us out of the horrible pit...which would be more than enough. More than we deserve. After he lifts us, he sets our feet on a rock...solid ground. Our rescue is secure. He establishes our steps. He is our guide as we go forth in the freedom and grace we celebrate as we walk with Him...away from the pit. And...I love this...as if all of that were not enough...He puts a new song in our mouths. A song of praise for the God who rescued us from the pit, cleansed away the miry clay, set us free from our despair, placed our feet on secure ground, and replaced our sorrow with a new song. A song of joy. How I pray that in our lives, many will see the works He has done and will put their trust in Him.

Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
~ Psalm 40:5

Great is His faithfulness...

A Not Me Monday Post I've Been Saving Up For Awhile!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

O.K...I've never actually done a real Not Me! Monday post...but I've been saving this one up for a long time. And, in celebration of Stellan's wonderful recent reunion with his sweet MckFamily, I thought I'd join the party. WARNING: After reading this, your opinion of me may be forever changed. But, humility is always a good thing...and laughter is a close second! So, here goes...

This winter, I was NOT with my teenage son running errands, while driving my husband's truck. I am NOT uncomfortable driving his truck. I feel completely confident and at ease. Especially when it begins to snow large snowflakes, and the traffic increases. I really LOVE that...I do NOT get incredibly stressed in that situation.

We did NOT go through the drive-through at McDonald's. And, we did NOT notice when we arrived at the Wal-Mart parking lot that my son's french fries were missing from his order. I did NOT tell him to "Just deal without the fries because I didn't want to drive through the snow and ridiculous traffic." No...I love to drive my husband's truck, through the snow, and the heavy traffic. Love it.

I did NOT give in because he thought he was starving and couldn't live without his fries. I also did NOT grumble with him about it. He did NOT begin arguing with me in the process...and I certainly wasn't sucked into arguing with my teenage son. That never happens.

I did NOT pull into the drive-thru lane in a huff and pull up to the window asking politely (I really was polite...no need for rudeness!) for our missing fries. The person at the window did NOT look a little perplexed and frightened.

He did NOT ask, "When did you come through the drive-thru, ma'am?" (Perhaps it should of occurred to me that this wasn't the person who originally took my order. It really did not! No...really.)

He did NOT continue to look confused as he asked me to pull ahead. I did NOT continue the argument with my son as we waited. When the gentleman came to my window with our fries, he looked in my car and did NOT say, "Ma'am, you have a McDonald's bag in your car."

"Yes", I did NOT reply.

He did NOT hold up the bag containing our fries, and say...

"Ma'am, this is Wendy's."

I did NOT apologize profusely and then begin to laugh so hard I cried. My son did NOT shake his head and roll his eyes. And the Wendy's worker did NOT fail to see the humor in the situation. He did NOT just give me a curt nod and walk away. We did NOT proceed to McDonald's to retrieve our missing fries, while still laughing hysterically, and wondering at my level of competence. I did NOT wonder for days afterward if I should even leave my house...because of my ridiculous tendency to be easily distracted! Not me...no way!