The Man Voice

It must have been happening gradually for awhile, but it really hit me one morning. I was getting ready for work, stumbling around all bleary-eyed, trying to shake the "I Don't Wannas" and face the day. Tim had just said good-bye and left for work. I heard his truck rumble off down the road. I was walking down the hall in my morning daze when I heard a man's voice from the darkness of the bathroom. I jumped, obviously startled that I would hear a man's voice in my house after my husband had left. I looked up to see that the voice had come from my son. My son, who stood scratching his big afro-like curly hair that he refuses to get cut (much to his father's chagrin), asking me where all the towels were.

The man voice is a topic of discussion often among my circle of friends. We'll be talking on the phone and say, "Oh...do you need to hang up now, I heard the man voice." (Translated: Your husband's home...we better not be sitting around talking on the phone!) Or, more recently, as my friend Lynette's boys reached high school, I would notice the man voice in each of them when they answered the phone. I kept thinking each one was her husband, and now I have given up guessing. I teased her that all of her boys were getting the man voice and I never knew who I was talking to. Now, when my friends call me, they don't know where the man voice is coming from. Was that your husband or your son?

Six months ago, he was not as tall as me. Now, I look up to see where the man voice is coming from when he speaks. Six months from now, he'll be driving a car. You know that commercial were the little girl is asking her dad if she can go somewhere with her friends and if she can have the car. She's about five and so cute. Then, it flashes to the dad handing her the keys, and she's really a teenager. But, the whole time they were talking, he saw her as his little five-year-old girl. That's how I feel. When I look at him, I still see my little boy. And I'm not sure at what point in this crazy journey, I will see him as a young man. Will he always look like my little four-year-old boy who used to like to snuggle me and watch Old Yeller, instead of flinching when I reach out to touch him? Will I always see him reading his little insect book over his round little glasses, instead of struggling through Spanish homework, and refusing to let me help him?

In my mind, I'm still young, and so is he. But, time marches on...and I am no longer the mother of littles. My little boys are getting big. And, I am shocked. I have said it before, and I'll say it again...no one tells a mother this revelation when she is holding her sweet baby. No one tells you this when you still have a little hand to hold as you cross the street. No one tells you this while you look down to answer the tiny voice saying, "Mommy...". No one tells you that someday, you will not be able to comfort your little one so easily. He will not fit in your arms, and he may not want the comfort of your arms. Someday, you will look up to respond to a man voice calling you "Mom". And you will stand in awe, wondering how and when this happened. Maybe you won't...maybe you'll be expecting it. But I wasn't.

Just like I was amazed when he learned to walk and talk. Amazed when he played baseball, and could run and hit and pitch. Amazed when he learned to read and made friends. Amazed when he could swing a golf club with such grace, and quickly surpassed me and many of his peers in ability. I am amazed now, that he is becoming a man. The transition is a process that will take me some time. I have always been grateful that God gives us time for each transition in parenthood. We can grow through the stages of our children's development. Often, just when we get one stage figured out, it's time for a new one to begin. I am being dragged kicking and screaming into this phase. In fact, we've been here awhile and I still haven't accepted it. But, it's happening anyway.

I am so glad that throughout his young life, the Lord prompted me to teach him biblical truth as he faced various life lessons. There was an urgency especially from about ages 10-12 to cram as much in as possible. It needed to be said while he was still listening. Because now, he isn't listening much. There is so much letting go and tearing away. So much to trust the Lord with. Did I do enough? What kind of a man will he be? What kind of husband, father, Christian, provider will he be? Will he bring glory to God with his life? Have I been a good enough example? Have I failed in too many of the things that are important? Oh, the weight of responsibility. Oh, the realization that this child will not be mine forever...that he will go into the world his own person...that he will make his own choices...that he was never mine to begin with. Oh...

My son, do not forget my teaching,but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:1-6

Make our paths straight, Lord...please direct his path and mine through this unknown place.