Leap of Faith

I've been thinking about leaps of faith lately. I suppose mainly because our family is about to take a really big leap of faith. After 16 years working as a concrete and excavating foreman, my husband is starting his own business:

This decision has been bathed in prayer, and we continue to pray that God would bless the work of Tim's experienced, hard-working hands as we take the next steps.

I'd like to share some thoughts on taking leaps and not looking back...what God has been whispering to my heart in the wee hours of the morning and the quiet of the evening...

In general, I have been granted great peace regarding this choice. Yesterday, I was gripped by some "did God really say" and "what if" questions. 

This morning I awoke with the same questions and God immediately spoke truth to my heart. He led me to Psalm 77:11-15, which talks about remembering what the Lord has done...and the greatness of our God.

The idea of looking back was pressed on my heart. I have been thinking a lot about the Israelites and how God told them to leave Egypt and not to worry...that He would provide. I thought of Abraham. Abraham was asked to go and did so as well...trusting and believing without seeing. Hebrews 11:8 says "By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would received as an inheritance. And, he went out, not knowing where he was going." 

This morning, Lot's wife crossed my mind. God told Lot to take his family and flee...not to look back. They didn't have time to pack their things...didn't know where they were going or how they would get what they needed. They were just supposed to trust God to provide....just to go and trust. Obey. But, Lot's wife looked back...and that's when the trouble came! (If you're unfamiliar with the story, Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back.)

There wasn't some perfectly orchestrated elaborate plan laid out before them where they knew exactly where they would live and how they would eat and how it would all work. They had to wait on the Lord and trust Him to provide...trust Him to keep His promises. (Just so you know, I tend to be one of those people that really likes a perfectly orchestrated plan where I have a sense of security and control!)

The only time it's good to look back is when we are remembering what the Lord has done. It is never good to look back in longing for Egypt (the old ways or where we came from)...or as Lot's wife looked back.

Are you struggling with a decision...feeling led to take a leap of faith...feeling tempted to look back and take your eyes off the Lord?

Another great verse: Exodus 14:13- 15 "Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians who you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace. And the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward."

Just continuing to cling to Him...going forward...and taking the leap...trusting Him.

Surrendering...and Places I Don't Wanna Go

It’s early Saturday morning and I’m sitting in the bathroom of a hotel in Columbus (at Women of Faith) on the edge of the bathtub as I type this. Having trouble with internet connectivity, so I’m writing in Word to copy and paste to my blog later. (O.K….really I’m too lazy to walk down to the front desk to pay the fee to connect to the internet…and don’t want to wake my roommate by calling downstairs.)

I awoke with the words rolling around in my head, gripping me, stirring my heart, moving me to the cold edge of the bathtub to release them before meeting the rest of the ladies for today’s conference.

I posted already about some fun parts of our weekend. And, I promise there will be more fun posts. Posts with pictures of the lovely ladies who joined us for this weekend of inspiration and encouragement. Posts of bloggers I have now hugged in real life…mothers who also have said good bye to their children. Posts that share some of the “I Love Lucy-like” mishaps that always seem to find me. But, this post is for releasing the relentless words on my heart.

I have so much to tell you about some of the insights of the speakers and the ways the Holy Spirit has spoken through each one. But, last night it was Lisa Harper’s testimony that cut me to the core. She was talking about one of her family members getting saved…a person she thought would never bow his knee and allow grace to wash over Him at the foot of the cross…redeeming his soul…setting him free…. mending all that was broken between them…lifting the weight of sin he had carried long and heavy.

When she spoke of the day, God moved that mountain and saved that weary soul, she began with my mother’s verse…my verse…the verse that One Way is named for…the promise I have clung to through many dark nights.

John 14:6 – Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Lisa shared how he kept reading…this newly redeemed soul until what I refer to as Thomas’ verses. Not just the Thomas of the Bible. My Thomas.

John 20
“Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed.”

That got my attention. The verses themselves already had me in a puddle of tears…as I felt my heavenly Father’s love…His hand reaching down to touch those tender places, caressing the ache of my soul with His promises.

But…there was more.

Has God ever asked you to go get someone…to love them with the love of Jesus? Someone who has left you with a hole in your heart…or maybe someone you just don’t connect with. It could be someone who irritates you, didn’t meet your expectations, someone that you wonder if it might not ever be possible for them to find their way to the cross. And, even if they did, they would never bend their knee…never lay it all down.

He’s asking me. He’s been asking for awhile. Persistent, that God of mine. But, I don’t want to go. Loving this person with the love of Jesus brings up all kinds of feelings that are safely tucked away. Feelings that hurt too much, even to brush the surface.

So, I wept while Lisa talked and God’s words permeated my heart. I wept, and started the journey to surrender. I know there’s beauty in the dying. Beauty in the laying down of it all. I know that’s the place where He lives…

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I wrote the above words early Saturday morning, but that was only the beginning of God’s message for me. He drove His point home as Nicole Johnson held up her white patent leather shoes and spoke of the day she took tiny steps unto a witness stand and made an impossible choice in her little five-year-old voice.

I sat high in Nationwide Arena, undone…stripped bare. Telling God, I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to go. Please….and the tears fell, fat and bitter from the deepest part of my heart.

Nicole so eloquently shared a sentiment I’ve often said myself, with different words…but the same idea:

“Life’s greatest value is in the broken pieces.”

So true…I just wish it were easier to be broken, surrendered, and put back together again. It hurts to visit places that we have kept safe and hidden, to open them up, and give them to God. It hurts to surrender. But, it is all for our good. You, see God doesn't want to leave us in our broken messes. He has already healed so many of mine, but He isn't finished yet. He wants to mend all of my brokenness...to bring beauty from all the ugly, just as He's done so many times before.

Favorite Bible Verses

This week at Kelly's Korner, bloggers are sharing favorite bible verses. I have been thinking about that this morning, and feel compelled to take part...only I cannot choose just one. There are several, and even this list will not cover them all. The wonderful thing about the Word of God is that it is living...Holy Spirit-breathed truth that is always able to speak to a seeking heart in every circumstance. Sometimes the same verse can speak to you in a different way at a different time.

Some of my favorite verses over the course of my life-journey so far...


Love this promise that reminds me over and over again of the new life I've been given in Jesus...
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. ~ 2 Corinth. 5:17

This verse is the one from which we chose the names for our sweet Faith and Grace. Over the years, this verse has spoken to me so many times...reminding me of the gift of grace I have been given...reminding me that there is nothing I can do to earn this precious gift...reminding me that even the works that we do, He has prepared for us in advance, that He created us with a purpose in mind for His glory...

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10

Thomas' verse...sweet Thomas, how your life taught us about believing without seeing:
Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer...and many other moments of my life, when I needed to remember to look at the unseen promises of eternity...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. ~ 2 Corinth. 16-18

The promise God whispered to my heart over and over again as my mother's time on this earth was passing quickly...the same promise that inspired the name of our band, One Way...the same promise I have clung to many questioning nights...

“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions;[a] if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And where I go you know, and the way you know.”
5 Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
~ John 14:1-6

Another promise for my mother...and for me...

Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
~Isaiah 46:4

It's no secret this verse means a lot to me...oh, how we have experienced His sufficient grace in our lives...
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

And, this one, which our ministry is based upon...

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ~ 2 Corinth. 1:3-4

When life gets tough...when the waters rise...

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19

There are so many more, of course, but these are just a few that are especially dear to me. What are some of your favorite verses?

Have a wonderful Friday...and thanks so much for stopping by!

New Creation...Green Kitchen...Walking With You Idea...and a BBQ Sauce Giveaway! Whew!

*A winner has been chosen for the best BBQ sauce known to mankind...Contest is over!

There are so many blog posts rolling around in my mind, that I thought I'd just combine them all into one big one. Hope you don't mind, it's going to be a long ride!

New Creation
Those of you who visit regularly know that we have been very busy with Sufficient Grace Fundraising events and other ministry-related happenings. Tim and I also had the privilege of participating with a local VBS outreach in which our church brings VBS to the children and families of a local community that does not currently have a church. It is such a blessing to be part of that, and I'm so grateful we were able to join alongside our church family this year, once more. We are looking forward to VBS at our own church soon, as well.

Speaking of our church family...one of my favorite events occured this past Sunday. I love a good baptism...there is nothing like it, really. A changed life in Jesus...the symbolism of reckoning the old man dead and emerging as a new creation, the washing away of sins, the bold statement that this person belongs to Jesus. This person lives for Him. I love to listen to the simple, tearful testimonies of those who have recently given their lives to Jesus...telling of His life-changing glory. The beauty of redemption never fails to move me to tears as well.

What made this particular baptism even more precious was that our sweet James had chosen to be among those getting baptized yesterday morning. As Tim and I prepared the music, I reflected on the words..."feels like I'm born again, feels like I'm living...for the very first time, for the very first time...in my life".



It never gets old. Watching the Holy Spirit work in someone's life, watching Him speak directly to a seeking heart, wooing with the Father's love. Seeing a heart transformed by Jesus...a life redeemed, bathed in beautiful, saving grace. But, when that heart belongs to one that I love...it fills my own heart to the point of bursting. My cup runneth over...and, once more, I am on my knees in awe of the grace of my God...and the relentless love with which He pursues and pours out onto His people. Oh...how I love a good baptism.







I'm so thankful for the answered prayers. God has written a story for our family that is beyond anything I could have imagined. There were years of drought and wandering in the wilderness, but lately, I have been dancing in the rain as He brings more of our family into His family.


(Special thanks to Rachel's Cakes for making James' lovely cake. You rock, Rachel!)

Sweet James, we pray God's continued blessings for you as you walk with Jesus. We are so blessed that you chose to be baptized and so grateful for your soft, tender heart. We love you!

Green Kitchen

I've been thinking about painting my kitchen green for about four or five years now. Each year, I purchased a little something to go with my imaginary green kitchen, in hopes that I would one day just do it. The pre-working-full-time-and-leading-a-ministry me would have had the whole house painted in a week. But, the me I am of late struggles to get to the "making my home a haven" part of my resposibilities. It just seems to have slipped on the priority list, under a heap of other demands for my time. But, God has been convicting my heart lately on that subject. Serving my family by making our home a beautiful and orderly haven needs to have it's rightful place high on my to-do list. So, in an effort to make that right...and in the willy-nilly spirit of summer, I give you my green kitchen!

(Please don't look too closely...I am not really a gifted painter, decorator, or housekeeper...but I still like my little green kitchen, flaws and all!)






Wondering what it looked like before? Here are a couple pics from my kitchen before the grand green painting project 2010...

(Christmas pics were the only ones I could find on my new computer!)



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Walking With You Idea

We've been taking a little break from Walking With You. A few more people are catching up with the recent Threads of Hope bible study that we finished in May. Because I know that many people are busy, I've been thinking about how to proceed, and I have a couple ideas. Prior to the Threads of Hope study, we shared our stories piece by piece, reading one another's journeys and encouraging each other along the way.

The purpose of this group is that grieving hearts would know they are not walking this path alone...that there is comfort and hope and grace along the journey. One way I was thinking we could do this, is to feature a blog of one grieving mama each week. I will do a post on the Walking With You blog letting you know who is being featured, and others who have walked this path can go and offer a word of encouragement, prayer, or scripture on that person's blog. That way, instead of having to prepare a post and visit all of those who link up, we just have to visit one person, focus on their story, pray for them that week, and leave a comment on their post letting them know. I have come across many families who have lost a child, and some have readers. While, some do not have many. We would like to welcome anyone to join in...those new to grief, as well as those who have experience walking this path and can be an encouragement to those in need.

If you would like to be featured on Walking With You, please go to the Walking With You Page and leave a comment letting us know your name, blog name, and your baby's name. I think this could be a great way for us to reach out and get to know other families walking this path, as well as to offer hope and encouragement to one another. I hope you feel the same, and I'd love any input on this idea!

Another favor I'd like to ask is if you are participating in Walking With You or would like to follow and read along, offering encouragement to others, please become a follower of the Walking With You blog. I will be putting up a follow button there for those wishing to keep up on that page. It is now a separate blog, although it is linked to this one.

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The Best BBQ Sauce known to mankind...



Around Christmas time, we received a gift from our friends, Glenn and Toni. It was a container of barbeque sauce produced locally from Mission Kitchen. Little did we know that in that container, just waiting for our discovery, was the best barbeque sauce known to mankind! Let me tell you, we are conoisseurs of sauce. We love the honey mustard, hot mustard, barbeque, sweet and sour...oh yes, we do. And, our James is the biggest connoisseur of all...especially of the BBQ sauce. Why, he even eats it on his burgers...yes ma'am.

So, when the sauce was finally gone, I contacted sweet Toni to inquire as to how I may obtain more...so that I could continue to slather the barbequey goodness all over our food. When I visited the website she passed on to me, I was even more delighted to learn that there was a story behind my newly beloved sauce. Ya'll know how I love a good story behind the story...and even more so when that story shares about a mission.

This sauce was created when the originators were in the mission field...and their mission continues through the distribution of this perfectly blended symphony of spicy and sweet goodness.

From their website:

Mission Kitchen Ltd is a local business with a global conscience. Our personal lives affect, both positively and negatively, those of others across the globe. Mission Kitchen Ltd is dedicated to empowering the population San Juan de la Maguana, Dominican Republic. A portion of all proceeds will return there to benefit the shoeshine boys and undernourished children who live on those streets and call that place home.

To learn more about this worthy (and yummy cause), please visit: Mission Kitchen

And, in honor of my green kitchen...and because I love you and feel that everyone simply MUST try this sauce, leave a comment on this post to be entered to win your very own container of Mission Kitchen BBQ sauce! (Plus...I thought that if you are still reading this long post, you deserve a prize!!)

Planting Seeds...

This year, we planted a garden for the first time. Tim painstakingly prepared every detail. He tilled the soil, working the ground in preparation for each tiny plant and for every seed. He built a fence around the garden to keep the pesky rabbits from causing certain destruction. We dug our hands in the dirt and planted each one tenderly into the waiting soil, praying that the plants would bear fruit (or vegetable, if you will).










Then, we waited. At first, much to my chagrin, only the brussel sprouts seemed to flourish. I was concerned about the tomato plants, whose growth seemed stunted as they remained unchanged day after day. The zucchini wilted, and seemed lost forever. Tim added Miracle Grow to his daily regimen of weeding and tending to his precious plants, and life was soon restored as they grew inch by inch.

I've been thinking about the planting process in relationship to training our children. We plant seeds of truth into their hearts. Bible verses, teachable moments, time spent speaking of the Lord when we sit down, when we rise up, in the morning, in the evening.

Deuteronomy 11:18-20 (New International Version)
Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates...

We spend the time preparing the soil of their hearts to receive each seed of truth. Tilling and toiling in prayer. We ask for grace to cover the moments when we fall short, when we miss a teachable moment, or lack wisdom, or fail to set the right example. We ask that even those moments would be used for good...somehow worked into the soil to nourish their souls. We pray that the seeds would take root, that they would grow and flourish, like a tree planted by the water...that would not bend and break when the winds of life blow and the storms threaten.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. ~ Psalm 1:3

Sometimes, during the growth process, we look at our children and they seem like the zucchini...or maybe the tomatoes. We wonder if they are growing at all. Do the seeds we have planted matter? Is there any hope? Any sign of life? Growing isn't always pretty. Weeds threaten to choke the life out of the tender plants. Sometimes they seem not to grow at all, or grow in strange directions. Pruning, weeding, nurturing, watering, wondering about the end result.

And then, a glimpse of life, a reminder of hope. A compliment from the teacher about your child's manners. A heartfelt gesture of kindness or encouragement. An unprompted act of selflessness or gratefulness. A Father's Day or Mother's Day card that says all the words you're longing to hear. A choice for good when two choices were presented.

We can't always see the growth. We aren't always sure which seeds we plant will bear fruit. But, still, we plant...trusting that God will give the increase...in His perfect time. It is a true walk of faith, the planting of seeds, the nurturing, the watering, the trusting that they will grow. But, it is worth every moment, and every glimpse of hope along the way.



If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God's ways are as mysterious as the pathway of the wind, and as the manner in which the human spirit is infused into the little body of a baby while it is yet in its mother's womb. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow - perhaps it all will. ~ Ecclesiastes 11:4-6 TLB

Share your memories on Wednesdays Walk:

Updated: Walking With You ~ Naming our Babies

Updated: I'm sorry the MckLinky was not up earlier. I forgot to add it last night before posting. I also added information about our other children's names and Faith, Grace, and Thomas' middle names below.

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing how we chose the names for our babies and any special meaning behind them.

I have previously written about the reason we chose the names for our babies in a couple older posts. I copied and pasted from those posts here. (Hope you don't mind...but it seemed a little easier than re-writing what has already been said.)Truth be told, I am so grateful that Shannon suggested we share about naming our babies this week. These past few weeks, our walk has been an emotional one. Last week felt especially heavy as I walked with each of you, re-visiting days of great sorrow. (Please do not get me wrong...It is a great privilege to walk with all of you, and I'm so grateful that you are sharing your stories...sharing your sweet babies.) While I feel it is important to share our stories, I want to remain focused on the hope we have in the Lord. We do not grieve as those without hope. Our sweet babies are alive in heaven. And, I look forward this week, to sharing something special about them...something joyful. Each of us gave our sweet babies a gift...a gift with meaning, from the heart. The gift of a name. A name we continue to hold in our hearts until we meet again. A name we long to hear...a name we ache for the world to recognize. A name that says this life mattered...this person was here.

It still blesses my soul when I hear someone mention the names of my Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Even so many years later, I long to hear their names spoken. Let's face it, we moms love to talk about our kids. We love to tell funny stories about the things they do. We love to take pride in their accomplishments and seek comfort when we are concerned for them. We love to see them soar...to spread their wings and fly. I love to watch James slide into home plate, hit the ball to the outfield. Love to watch Timothy keep his cool on the pitcher's mound and steal home. I love to watch the natural beauty of his golf swing. Love when they make good choices, learn lessons from not-so-good choices, and laugh their individual laughs. It's no different for my children who are no longer on this earth. I love to hear their names, to talk about them and wonder what their life is like in heaven. I love to see the effect their lives have had on others. It sort of feels like I'm watching them spread their wings to fly when someone finds comfort in our journey. Whether our little ones are with us or not, we are moms just the same. And each of our sweet babies have a name.

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10



When I was expecting our twin daughters, Faith and Grace, there were many complications. I lay awake in a hospital bed for weeks, praying, waiting, hoping, resisting doubt and fear. When we heard that we were expecting identical twin daughters, almost immediately, Ephesians 2:8 came into my mind. For it is by grace through faith you have been saved... Grace has always been my favorite name, and that verse has always spoken to my heart. It was not something I did to earn salvation, but a precious gift from our Savior. So, it seemed fitting. And, they no longer were known as Baby A and Baby B, but Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine. I've been talking a little about names and what it means to have someone know your name. Their names had deep meaning, and more than I even realized.

Webster's definition of grace: "unmerited help given to the people by God....". Unmerited. Undeserved. Given freely, not because of anything we did or could ever do to earn it. Grace that covers us. Grace that is given to us daily in a sufficient portion to meet our needs. Abundant, beautiful grace. Grace that saves...grace that carries...grace that comforts. I learned about His grace through being their mother. And I kept learning long after they left this earth.

At first, I thought that they were just beautiful names from a meaningful verse. When asked by one of our doctors why I chose the names Faith and Grace, I said, "Because it's going to take a lot of both to get through this!" But, even their situation...twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome made sense with the words in the scripture. Because in the condition of twin-to-twin the "lines are crossed", so to speak. One baby, (Faith) gets too much fluid, blood flow, and nourishment, and the other (Grace) doesn't get enough. In essence, Grace literally received her nourishment, her life...through Faith. And they were intertwined. Needing one another for survival.

Interesting...It is by grace through faith that we are saved. What I didn't know is that there would be more. Carrying and saying good-bye to my Faith and Grace was only the beginning of learning about the faith and grace spoken of in these verses. Carrying our Thomas, we learned about true faith. Not the pretty word we Christians throw around...thinking it has something to do with us. Somehow, if we just have enough faith. Oh boy, do we miss the boat on that one. True faith is not some pretty little thing. It is found in the nitty-gritty journey through this life. It is not never feeling doubt or fear, but trusting in God anyway, when you are most afraid and filled with doubt and questions. Trusting when you don't see. Believing without seeing. Believing when you don't get the answer you want or when there seems to be no answer at all. Praising Him in the storm. Trusting Him to carry you. Surrendering to the arms of our sovereign God. Blessing Him when He gives and when He takes away. It's not about how much faith I have or how strong it is. It's about how mighty, able, powerful, all-knowing, merciful and good my God is.

So many times, we want to see the miracles with our eyes. We want proof that He is there. Proof that He hasn't forsaken us. Proof that He lives. Proof that He will carry us. Proof that His grace is sufficient. We want to see. Never have I ached to see Him more than when we heard the words "incompatible with life" in reference to our son Thomas. I have shared about part of that journey before, but today, I want to focus on the precious gift Thomas' life gave to us...the reason he is called Thomas. His life taught us about "believing without seeing."

Now Thomas, called the Twin, one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples therefore said to him, "We have seen the Lord." So he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." And after eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, "Peace to you!" Then He said to Thomas, "Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into my side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing."
And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!"
Jesus said to him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. ~ John 20:24-29

While awaiting the birth of our sweet Thomas, we didn't see. Daily, it was a walk of faith to put one foot in front of the other. What would be at the end of the journey? Would the Lord work a miracle and save my Thomas? He is able. Would He choose to? Did I believe enough? I believed He could. I believed that with God all things are possible. But would He? Would He meet us there when the time came to say good-bye to our baby? Would His grace be sufficient? Was Thomas being harmed in my womb without enough amniotic fluid? Was he still alive? Would our marriage survive? We couldn't see. How I longed for Him to show Himself to me. I waited and prayed, searching His word daily. Searching for Him.

And, He showed Himself to me. I believed when I couldn't see. And I prayed when I was too weak to believe. And He came. He lives. His grace was sufficient. He showed Himself to me when I held sweet Thomas. He was there in the songs that were lifted from my mouth to the heavens in praise of my King and He carried our sweet baby boy home. He said, "Here I am." And I could almost reach out and touch the holes in His hands. He came. He lives.


If carrying Thomas taught us about faith, then meeting him taught us about grace. The all-sufficiency of His grace meeting us in that place of unknown sorrows. And replacing what Satan meant to break us, to destroy us, to darken our hearts forever...with joy overflowing as we met our son. As he filled my arms, and as the presence of the Lord filled the room. I sang, "O Lord, You're beautiful...Your face is all I seek...For when your eyes are on this child...Your grace abounds to me." And it did. It abounded, surrounded, lifted and carried me.

And none of it...not one ounce of it was about the strength of my faith, or my ability to conjure up or earn one ounce of the unmerited gift of grace poured out over me. It was only the beginning of the outpouring. It has flowed freely into my life since the moment I asked Jesus to come in.
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ADDED: I just realized I didn't mention how we chose the names for our two boys that are with us. Timothy James is our firstborn. He is named after his father and grandfather. His name means "to honor God". James Henry is also named after Tim's and my grandfathers. He is our youngest son. His name (although not at all chosen because this. I actually didn't know the meaning until this morning when I looked it up online.) means "to replace". Interesting. To us, it is just a biblical name that also honored our family. I also forgot to mention the middle names of Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Faith Elizabeth (just because I liked how Elizabeth sounds with Faith). Grace Katherine (because my mom's name is Kathy). Thomas Patrick (because my father's name is Patrick).
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Next week we will be sharing about the early days of grief. We will spend a few weeks talking about different aspects and phases of grief and it's affects on the relationships in our lives. We will choose specific subjects to focus on for that week.
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I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my blogiversary post. It's not too late to enter the giveaway by leaving a comment on that post. I'll be announcing the winner on Friday. Your sweet words blessed and encouraged me. I love all of you so much, and cherish the friendships I have found here in blogland.

A Little More On Faith

Welcome to this week's Tuesdays Together in the Word. To join us, please click on the button below:



I am so torn this week because of the wealth of wisdom in this week's Tuesdays Together scriptures. But, I wrote last week that I would be talking a little more about faith on this Tuesday's post. So, I will stick with the plan and leave the book of James for another post.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
~Hebrews 12:1-2

Can I just say, I am fired up this morning to write about the Hall of Fame of Faith! Just like His word says, I feel encouraged to lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us...to run with endurance the race set before us...looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Whoo-Hoo! (I can sort of hear one of those sassy Shania Twain songs in the background and part of me wants to say a feisty, "Let's Go Girls"! And, for the record, I don't even listen to country music much!) Reading their stories...being reminded of what our God has done...strengthens us to continue on. We are broken vessels...imperfect...full of flesh, weakness, and flaws. And do you know what? So was everyone mentioned in Hebrews 11. What they did have, though, was faith. They knew they could look to God and place their trust in Him.

Now faith is the substance of things hope for, the evidence of things not seen.
~ Hebrews 11:1

Things not seen. I can't see God, in person with my human eyes. I have walked places where I couldn't see the answers to my questions...where the hope I had was in something that I couldn't see. It is a believing without seeing. What I can see is the evidence of the hope we have in Him. The evidence of things not seen. I can see His hand working in my heart to forgive someone who has wronged me. I can see His hand in the beauty of the world that He has created like a fine masterpiece (displayed magnificently on the golf course, I might add!=)) I can hear evidence of His existence in the sound of a newborn baby's cry. As well as in the songs of praise that arose in my heart and lifted from my lips as I said goodbye to my sweet Thomas. In the daily grace that is poured out on my family, I can feel the evidence of things not seen...the substance of things hoped for. He is. And He does great things in our lives.

I remember night after night as I sought answers and comfort while waiting for our Thomas, I wanted to understand faith. In Hebrews 11, we find that without faith it is impossible to please God. Now, I was a little mixed up, wondering if it was my lack of faith that had placed me in this position. Was it because I didn't have enough faith that we had lost Faith and Grace and were facing the loss of Thomas? And what did faith look like? I wanted to please God. Was I faithless because I was afraid...because I didn't want to walk this path again...because although I knew He was able to save Thomas, I didn't know if He would? I couldn't see the beginning from the end. So, when I read Hebrews 11, I was looking for the answers. Help me understand this faith you require. What does it look like, Lord? Should I know with complete confidence what will come? Or is it a blind trusting?

So, I read of Noah...and how he obeyed "being divinely warned of things not yet seen". Noah built the ark before one drop of rain fell. God told him to do it, and he did...even though he did not yet see what was to come. Abraham obeyed God, going when God said to go. (Heb. 11:8b) "And he went out, not knowing where he was going." He went...not knowing...by faith.

You may think I'm a little crazy, but the fact that they were no different than you and I really gave me comfort. They didn't know the beginning from the end any more than we do. Maybe I thought that they had some insight...some extra confidence in what was to come...something we lack in modern times. They didn't know where they were going or what was coming next any more than we do. They just trusted in their God. And they weren't perfect. Read their stories. Abraham lied. Sarah laughed when told of God's promise that she would bear a son. Noah got drunk. David committed adultery and murder. Moses also killed a man.

And...they didn't even get to see all the promises fulfilled...at least not while they still walked this earth.

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. ~ Heb. 11:13

But now they desire a better, that it, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them. ~ Heb. 16

Friends, they did not see the entire promise fulfilled this side of heaven. Some answers will never be given until we are in heaven. So we look forward to that promise, resting our faith in that hope. He has prepared a place for us, even as we feel like strangers on this earth.

Reading on in Hebrews 11:23-39, Moses "endured as seeing Him who is invisible", Rahab "did not perish with those who did not believe". And what more shall I say? For the time would fail me to tell of Gideon and Barak and Samson, and Jephthah, also of David and Samuel and the prophets: who through faith subdued kingdoms, worked righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, became valiant in battle, turned to flight the armies of the aliens....

It goes on to talk about those who were tortured and gave their lives in faith..."of whom the world was not worthy". Folks, these people messed up. None of them were strong on their own. None of them were exempt from moments of doubt and weakness. All of them had moments when the darkness seemed so threatening. Read the Psalms and you will see how David wrestled, and yet he is called a man after God's own heart. It isn't about the strength of these individuals that God holds up as our example. It is about the strength of their God. They had victory because of Him. They were made strong through their weakness. They didn't have all the answers. They didn't even always do it right. But, they trusted in their God...who is able. His glory shines through them. They knew where to look. When doubt threatened...when fear overcame...when they couldn't see the answers...they knew where to place their trust. It wasn't about their performance...their ability to do it just right. It was about God's promises...His strength...His ability. They overcame...they are counted worthy...because they called on the Lord in the day of trouble. They relied on Him.

When I think of what they faced and how they endured, I am greatly encouraged. We are surrounded by their witness, strengthened by their testimony. They are cheering us on. And we could insert our own stories...not to lift ourselves up...but to glorify our mighty God.

By faith, Kelly Gerken, carried Thomas within her womb...not knowing whether he would be healed this side of heaven or taken home to be made whole. On her knees, she tearfully cried out for protection from the fiery darts of the enemy in the dark of night. By faith, she clung to the promise that she couldn't see, believing the Lord when He whispered to her heart that the answer was not hers to know until the time came. That whether on this earth or in heaven's glory, her Thomas would not die, but would surely live. When He asked, "Do you believe this?", she said "Yes, Lord. I believe." Out of her weakness, she was made strong. By faith, death lost it's sting as she sang songs of praise to the God who held her as He carried sweet Thomas home.

I could write for days...more of what He has done. I pray that you are encouraged by their testimonies. They were just people walking with the Lord, sometimes stumbling along. But, their God was and is faithful. As Hebrews promises: Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Heb 13:8) You serve the same God they do. The same God who carried and strengthened and used the lives of Noah, Moses, Abraham, David...and so many others...offers you the same strength, hope, and promise. We have the same opportunity to shine for Him...to tell the stories of His faithfulness. Our stories are still being written. There are promises still to come.

I would love to hear your own "By faith..." stories if you wish to share them here. Not to exalt us...but to bring glory to our amazing God.

So, what are we waiting for?

Let's Go Girls...

Walking With You ~ Waiting

Welcome to our second week of Walking With You. Thank you to those who joined us last week for the first steps on our journey. This week we are sharing our experience after we heard the news that changed our lives. If you are joining us for the first time, or if this topic doesn't apply to you...please share part of your journey anyway. I know the Lord will use our stories to encourage those walking this path. If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in? If you chose to induce labor and deliver the baby, rather than waiting, you are welcome to share your story, as well. Although we would encourage a mother to continue her pregnancy if possible, this is a place to come for love, comfort, support, and healing. And all are welcome. We are all mothers who loved and wanted our babies...babies who are no longer with us. We want to minister to each other in the place we are in...no matter how we ended up here.

Sharing the Journey

Faith and Grace
My time waiting with Faith and Grace after the diagnosis of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome was sort of a whirlwind and much of my time and energy was spent on survival. Mine and theirs. The size of my uterus was pushing on my organs...heart, lungs, stomach, all digestive areas, bladder...you name it. I was measuring more than 43 cm at just 20 weeks. And, that was a lot for my 5'3" frame. The magnesium sulfate was no fun and brought it's fair share of unpleasantries to the table. I vomited bile and blood as my uterus stubbornly contracted and the mag doses continued for about a week. They gave me various meds to help control my growing symptoms. I spent many hours that first week listening to women laboring in the rooms on the OB floor and would pray....thanking God for every newborn cry...wondering if my babies were born right now if I would be able to hear them cry. When I asked the nurse in the middle of the night, she shook her head...
"Probably not..."

I was then transferred to a high risk specialist who officially diagnosed the twin-to-twin and admitted me for an amniocentesis procedure to remove the fluid from the sac and relieve the twins from it's effects...as well as my poor overwhelmed organs. My uterus contracted painfully and I shook uncontrollably. They drained liters of fluid from me, as med students surrounded my bed like I was a specimen. Except for one. One stepped out from among them and looked on me with compassion, speaking words of comfort.

I spent another week or so vomiting blood that looked like coffee grounds as my esophagus was shredded. During that week, I had daily ultrasounds to monitor my girls. We had named the "bigger twin" Faith and the "smaller" was Grace. I looked forward to that time each day, and soaked in the images of my precious daughters. Faith would quietly suck her thumb and Grace swam wildly about...bumping her sister and everything else in her path. I knew them, because they were my own. I imagined Faith's quiet strength...like her daddy. And Grace's feisty spirit...like her mama and grandma Kathy. We dreamed of pink lace and ribbons and a nursery filled with two of everything. Much of the rest of my time was spent just trying not to throw up and to endure the discomfort. My heart was palpitating...sometimes it was hard to breathe. There was a lot of pain...contractions, discomfort, and the constant vomiting were taking their toll. My liver was starting to malfunction as well.

Churches all over were praying for me and the girls, and we plowed on. After weeks of the vomiting and not eating, they began giving me nourishment through the IV...like someone may get in a coma, I think. Then, just as quickly as the vomiting came...it stopped. My mother was bringing me sweetened iced tea. She had learned where it was on the floor so that I didn't have to wait for the busy nurses. The other thing that sounded good was this popcorn that they sold in a big bag at the gas station in our hometown. Tim gladly brought me some. And, much to the perplexed gastro-intestinal doctors dismay...gas station popcorn was the first food I kept down in weeks. And, it was wonderful.

I was released from the hospital and would return for an appointment a few days later. During an ultrasound, our doctors were concerned with the condition of Faith's heart and sent us promptly to the pediatric heart specialist at another hospital. She was in heart failure. It was the first time that I let myself even consider that we might lose one of our babies...an unthinkable realization. Mine were going to be among the 20 percent that emerged from this syndrome unscathed. My mind had not even allowed the possibility that they wouldn't make it to form. These were my girls...daughters from a long line of strong women. We had prayed and fought this battle hard. They would make it. But that day, I couldn't catch my breath and the possibility smothered me. I was given steroid shots to hasten lung maturity, and told that I would probably deliver soon.

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Thomas
The news of Thomas' fatal condition, Potter's Syndrome, brought with it a choice. We were told that we had about a week to decide if we wanted to induce labor early, terminating the pregnancy or if we wanted to continue the pregnancy, knowing that our baby, short of a miracle, would die. There were four more months.

I'll be honest, the answer didn't come right away for me. Yes, I am a pro-life Christian. But, this didn't seem so black and white. At least not the way it was presented. The doctors had described what happens to babies who grow in a womb for months without amniotic fluid...the deformities and contusions. My own regular OB doctor (not our amazing Dr. M - the maternal-fetal medicine specialist) had advised us to induce labor, saying if it were his own wife he would not prolong the inevitable but would perform the procedure immediately. This was a man who had walked with me through the loss of the twins. Who had stroked my hair compassionately when I was confused and consumed with grief after another procedure performed from delivery complications. I consulted Christian friends...who gathered with me around my kitchen table talking and praying. I talked with nurses who had walked through this with us. I wrestled with the image of asking my family to walk through this again...knowing the grief that we had already endured. Could I ask Tim to look at me for four more months, knowing that I carried a baby who would die? And, poor Timothy...would this be what he thought of when he thought of pregnancy...sorrow, loss, the robbing of joy? Could our family walk through this again? Could we handle the waiting?

I didn't know what to do. And, Tim was fairly quiet on the subject. So, I prayed day and night. I searched the scriptures. It was Holy Week, and I had been reading the parts leading up to Jesus' crucifixion. I came to the verses documenting the conversation between Pontius Pilate and Jesus...and the Lord spoke the answer to my heart, as I read about Pilate washing His hands of the situation. The decision didn't need to be in our hands. We could just leave it to Jesus. So, we chose to wait...to trust Him to carry us and our baby through this journey. If you are reading this and made a different choice, whether because of medical necessity, feeling this option was the best for your family, or just not having a full understanding of the options (many doctors don't even present the option to continue), please know that we understand how difficult it is to face this impossible situation...this choice that no parent should have to face. We know that we are all parents who loved and wanted our precious babies. And, however the path to this point, we are now parents who have grieved the loss of our children. And, there is healing in the arms of the Lord for all of our hurts.

So, what was it like...waiting with Thomas? I wish I could say that I knew I could fully embrace our time with Thomas...like my beautiful friends, Angie and Stacy and so many of you I have had the blessing of meeting. You have inspired me...to see your strength to cherish every moment of life you are given with your baby. It was before all of the wonderful organizations we have today. There was no Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization to photograph my pregnancy or the meeting of Thomas. No perinatal hospice and no Waiting With Gabriel. No String of Pearls. We were charting our own path...and it was lonely at times. I regret that I didn't know how to do it as beautifully as some of you have...that I had doubts and fears that often overshadowed my hope. Because of the lack of amniotic fluid, I felt little movement, so there were few indications that Thomas was still alive and O.K. I prayed everyday that our decision to carry him was not causing him harm...that he was still alive. I prayed for a miracle, believing with all my heart that God was able...while planning a funeral. I literally lived from ultrasound to ultrasound when I could see my sweet Thomas and know that he was still with me. I worried about my son's grief...about all the sorrow he had endured at such a tender age (he was 4 at the time). I felt the burden of the sorrow caused in Tim's heart over seeing his wife pregnant, knowing that the baby within my womb would die. And the grief would overwhelm us once more. The pain tore at our hearts and our marriage. We held on...but sometimes it felt like only by a thread. I did sing to Thomas and stroke my belly and talk to him. I chose an outfit. I searched online for some missing miracle answer. I consulted other doctors. Talked incessantly to Ginny (who walked courageously with me) and Dinah and others who would listen. I cried, prayed, and clung more desperately than I ever have in my life to God's Word. I never regretted for a moment our decision to carry sweet Thomas, for giving him a chance at life...and even more so in the moment we finally met him...but more on that next week.

I struggled with faith...did I not have enough? If I did, would Faith and Grace have lived...would Thomas live...if I could just figure it out. And, God gave me the answers. He taught me about believing without seeing as I stumbled in the fog...hoping that I didn't fall of the cliff before me...wondering if I did, would He catch me? The answer was yes. I might fall off the cliff, and if I did...He would catch me. Looking back, I can see His hand carrying us through that time. But, in the moment, I couldn't always see or feel His presence. I felt overwhelmed with the unknown. And, what I learned in the thick of that fog was that true faith wasn't the absence of doubt or fear...it was trusting God anyway when you are most afraid and filled with doubt...when the answer isn't what you hoped or there seems to be no answer at all. I looked to Jesus as the author and finisher of my faith...wanting desperately to do it right. And what I found is that it's not about my ability to do it right...but about my God who is able to carry me no matter what. I have written about believing without seeing, the truth about the saying, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", and what faith looks like. Click here to read more about the journey of Faith, Grace, and Thomas.

A few more excerpts from previous posts:
I couldn't sleep that night. The tears wouldn't stop. The pain wouldn't subside. There was no where to find relief. Desperate for comfort. Desperate for hope. Just desperate, I searched the scriptures, struggling to read through my tears. "Jesus is my example," I thought. "Show me, Lord. Show me the way to walk this path. I want to please you... I want to trust you...but I don't want to lose another child. My heart is broken..."

The first verses I read were in Hebrews 12:2 ...looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Two truths slammed into my heart. 1. Jesus endured the cross, despising the shame. It wasn't easy for Him. 2. He did it for the joy set before Him. There was a purpose...our salvation and His glory. There would be joy on the other side of the suffering.

Then, I looked to Luke 22:39-44 and focused for the first time on the agony of my Savior. What did He do when He was in agony? He prayed. He asked the Father three times "Father, if it is your will, take this cup away from Me".
Then He said, "nevertheless not my will, but Yours be done." Then, an angel appeared and strengthened Him. And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling on the ground. (verse 44)

This was our Savior, our Redeemer, our King...in agony. What did He do? The more agony He felt, the harder He prayed. He poured out His requests to the Father, but inevitably trusted the Father for what was best. Faith. Trust. Abide. Humble to the Point of Laying Down His Very Life. He accomplished the task, and all the while, He kept His eyes on the prize...the "joy that was set before Him".
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Resources
If you have just heard the news, and you are facing a difficult pregnancy diagnosis,or if you are waiting on the journey... here are a few resources that may be helpful to you on this journey:

Be Not Afraid ~ Difficult Pregnancy Diagnosis
String of Pearls ~ Difficult Pregnancy Diagnosis
Perinatal Hospice ~ Resources for those continuing a difficult pregnancy
Growing Through Affliction~ Support and Encouragement
Sufficient Grace~ Memory ~ making materials
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep ~ Beautiful photographs for families experiencing loss
A Place to Remember

Books for those waiting with a difficult diagnosis -
Waiting With Gabriel- Amy Kuebelbeck
Empty Arms - Sherokee Isle (secular book, but good practical answers for preparing)
In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me - Lynette Kraft

Please take the time to check out these resources. I know it can be hard and sometimes we think in our pain that we may not want these things. But, truly it is a time that we cannot get back. There are so many things that I regret not doing and photographs especially that I wish that I had. We would be glad to send you a Dreams of You Memory Book and other materials you may need to help prepare for meeting your baby, so please just email us if you have a need: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com.
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Prayer Request

Please pray for all the upcoming preparations for the Sufficient Grace golf outing on July 11th. And, please just cover this ministry in prayer. Personally, please pray for me as a mommy. My mommy-confidence is a little shaken lately. I had a lot of confidence as the mama of "littles", but as my "littles" are now getting big, there seems to be some unknown territory. And, I could really use some prayer in this area.
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I know this post was long, and I appreciate your willingness to endure to the end. Please link your own post and join us on this walk. And I hope you will take the time to visit, pray for and encourage the others who link with us. Please join us next Thursday on Walking With You. We will be sharing about meeting our babies. I will be announcing the winner of the Thirty-One Giveaway later today in the right sidebar, if you are checking for that.

Poured Out and Spurred On

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There is a lot that could be said this week, especially from the scriptures in Hebrews. These words on the subject of faith have carried me, encouraged me, strengthened and enlightened me many times on this journey of walking with Jesus. Especially during some of the darkest valleys, I have found myself in Hebrews. At the end of myself, on my face...wondering about this thing we call faith. I have written a little before about this and I'm going to be sharing again on Thursday's Walking With You some of what the Lord has shown me about faith through trials. So, I will try not to get too lengthy here. I do, however, wish to share just a little of the message of perseverance and hope the Lord is speaking to my heart this morning as I read through His word.

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who has promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. ~ Hebrews 10:19-25

Isn't that just the way to start our day...with these beautiful words of encouragement, strength and truth?! Whoo-hoo, those words encouraged my weary heart and soul this morning. I won't lie...I've been a little weary. It happens from time to time. And, not always with an easy-to-pin-point reason. But, it happens. Sometimes, even as the Lord's blessings pour in, weariness threatens. Usually the best cure for the strength-sapping discouragement that rears it's ugly head is to fix our eyes upon Jesus, but we will talk a little more about that next week.

As we look to Him this week, what do we find? We find hope...and not hope that is fleeting or dependent on circumstances. Not even a hope that depends on our meager faltering faith. But hope that is depends on our God, who is faithful. We are cleansed from our sin and unrighteousness by the sacrifice of Jesus...and we can rest securely in the promises of His Word. It is a full assurance we have in Him. A secure hope. Unwavering.

So, after we rest in the knowledge of our secure hope in Him, what are we strengthened to go and do? Encourage one another, of course. Take time to consider how we may encourage one anther, spurring each other on in love and good deeds. I love this. This is what we've been talking about. This is the beauty of the body of Christ, his people, serving in love and encouraging one another to continue serving in love. Beautiful goodness....I love this!!!!

I've been feeling a little poured out lately, but even as I write these words, I can feel Him ministering to my tired spirit, renewing and filling me up. As we read on in Hebrews 10, there are even more words encouraging us to persevere, to continue on with the path the Lord has for us. What do we do when we are feeling down-trodden and weary? Discouraged with wavering hope and meager faith?

Remember those earlier days after you received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. ~ Hebrews 10:32

I don't even know if there is room in this post to write about the depth of meaning in this verse for me. The truth is that, while we would never ask for the the trials in our lives, they are the times when I can look back and see God working in and through them. I can see how closely I clung to Him, on the darkest of days. At the time, I certainly did not feel like some great example of faith. Of course, I didn't really understand what that looked like. In the moment, we are often just clinging to Him for survival, for comfort, for hope, for the strength to take our next breath. But, as we look back, the perspective is different. I would never hold myself up as some great example of faith or the poster-child for how to walk through sorrow. I know my weaknesses and doubt too well. I know all the flaws and fears I felt. But, as time goes by and life goes along without tragedy in all of our days, I have noticed that we don't always cling as tightly to Him once the danger has passed. Once, we are brought through our wilderness, we sometimes grow comfortable. We (or at least I) cling less tightly. So, when I look back at the day I felt most forsaken in my life, I know the brokenness. I know the weakness. I know my doubt and fear. I know my little faith. But, I also know that somehow...in the darkness of that day and heavy weight of that night, a strength arose that did not come from me. My part was small...I didn't know much. And I was no match for the accuser before me, but I knew the One to cry out to. And, I did. I came...crawling, desperate, on my face, drowning in tears. But I came. And opened His Word. And poured out my broken heart. Sometimes, I read the words I wrote on that fateful night when we had heard that our Thomas was incompatible with life. And I stand in awe of the faith displayed. I stand in awe of the God who put it there...the God who could draw me near when I felt forsaken. The God who could, with His still small voice, overpower the darkness and stand me firmly on the ground in the great test of suffering before me. Some days, I wonder where she went...that girl. Then, He stands me up again.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For in just a very little while,
"He who is coming will come and will not delay.
But my righteous one will live by faith.
And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."
But we are not one of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. ~ Hebrews 10:35-39

We must hold on to the confidence we have in Him. We must not shrink back.

O.K....I meant to talk about chapter 11...the Hall of Fame for Faith. But, this post is growing way too long (sorry). So, what I will say is this: As I read these words many years ago in the dark of that night when hopelessness threatened to swallow me, something struck me for the first time. I wanted to understand what faith was. I wanted to please God. As I studied those who were considered faithful, I noticed something...they weren't perfect. They had moments of weakness, sin, doubt, and fear. And, do you know what else? They didn't know the beginning from the end. They were walking as we are, with pieces of the puzzle. They had to rely on God, just like we do. We read their stories and we see God's hand. We see, just as when we look back at our own stories, how the Lord worked...His plans and purposes fulfilled. We see the promises granted. But, they didn't know that in the moment that they trusted Him. They had to believe in what they couldn't see. And to hope in what they were certain of. More on this next Tuesday. And also more on those who didn't get to see the promise...stay tuned...

On a completely different note, I can't leave without sharing this verse from Proverbs 14 (that really deserves it's own post!): The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Praying that we would always speak and act in such a way that builds up our house (our family). Lord, strengthen me and remind me to be a wife and mother that builds up and not one who tears down.
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One more thing, and then I will leave you to ponder. Rachel at Once Upon a Miracle is still taking comments in order to support Sufficient Grace Ministries (she is generously giving $1 for every comment.) While we are grateful for her gift and we know that it will help many families through the efforts of this ministry...the bigger reason I hope you will take the time to visit her site is because I want you to read Gracie's story...to be blessed by the love of this beautiful family and the God who has carried them on this journey. And I want the world to know sweet Gracie. This family has stepped out in faith and "love and good deeds", and I want them to be encouraged...to reach their goal of 500...not just to benefit our ministry...but to encourage them as they have encouraged us. So, please take some time if you haven't already, and read their story, and pray for this family...and leave a comment to support them and Sufficient Grace. Thank you so much to all of you who have left a comment, and those who have supported us in so many ways. We love and appreciate you all very much.

By Grace Through Faith...It is So Not About Me

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For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10



When I was expecting our twin daughters, Faith and Grace, there were many complications. I lay awake in a hospital bed for weeks, praying, waiting, hoping, resisting doubt and fear. When we heard that we were expecting identical twin daughters, almost immediately, Ephesians 2:8 came into my mind. For it is by grace through faith you have been saved... Grace has always been my favorite name, and that verse has always spoken to my heart. It was not something I did to earn salvation, but a precious gift from our Savior. So, it seemed fitting. And, they no longer were known as Baby A and Baby B, but Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine. I've been talking a little about names and what it means to have someone know your name. Their names had deep meaning, and more than I even realized.

Webster's definition of grace: "unmerited help given to the people by God....". Unmerited. Undeserved. Given freely, not because of anything we did or could ever do to earn it. Grace that covers us. Grace that is given to us daily in a sufficient portion to meet our needs. Abundant, beautiful grace. Grace that saves...grace that carries...grace that comforts. I learned about His grace through being their mother. And I kept learning long after they left this earth.

At first, I thought that they were just beautiful names from a meaningful verse. When asked by one of our doctors why I chose the names Faith and Grace, I said, "Because it's going to take a lot of both to get through this!" But, even their situation...twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome made sense with the words in the scripture. Because in the condition of twin-to-twin the "lines are crossed", so to speak. One baby, (Faith) gets too much fluid, blood flow, and nourishment, and the other (Grace) doesn't get enough. In essence, Grace literally received her nourishment, her life...through Faith. And they were intertwined. Needing one another for survival.

Interesting...It is by grace through faith that we are saved. What I didn't know is that there would be more. Carrying and saying good-bye to my Faith and Grace was only the beginning of learning about the faith and grace spoken of in these verses. Carrying our Thomas, we learned about true faith. Not the pretty word we Christians throw around...thinking it has something to do with us. Somehow, if we just have enough faith. Oh boy, do we miss the boat on that one. True faith is not some pretty little thing. It is found in the nitty-gritty journey through this life. It is not never feeling doubt or fear, but trusting in God anyway, when you are most afraid and filled with doubt and questions. Trusting when you don't see. Believing without seeing. Believing when you don't get the answer you want or when there seems to be no answer at all. Praising Him in the storm. Trusting Him to carry you. Surrendering to the arms of our sovereign God. Blessing Him when He gives and when He takes away. It's not about how much faith I have or how strong it is. It's about how mighty, able, powerful, all-knowing, merciful and good my God is.

If carrying Thomas taught us about faith, then meeting him taught us about grace. The all-sufficiency of His grace meeting us in that place of unknown sorrows. And replacing what Satan meant to break us, to destroy us, to darken our hearts forever...with joy overflowing as we met our son. As he filled my arms, and as the presence of the Lord filled the room. I sang, "O Lord, You're beautiful...Your face is all I seek...For when your eyes are on this child...Your grace abounds to me." And it did. It abounded, surrounded, lifted and carried me.

And none of it...not one ounce of it was about the strength of my faith, or my ability to conjure up or earn one ounce of the unmerited gift of grace poured out over me. It was only the beginning of the outpouring. It has flowed freely into my life since the moment I asked Jesus to come in. The "works" we are allowed to take part in today are just gifts...immense privileges from Him. Not because of anything we have done. Not because we are worthy...we are so not. Instead, we are just His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared for us...so that we should walk in them! He made us for the purposes that we serve today. Each of us have specific works that He has prepared for us to do. We just walk in them. If we are walking along the path of this life, following Him, we will just gently stumble upon what He has for us...as He leads us. The gifts and abilities that we have been given are no accident. They are gifts...given to us by our Father...for the purpose of serving and glorifying Him. And in turn, blessing His people. All we have to do, is keep walking.

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God...
~Colossians 1:9-10

The One Who Knows The Heart

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So God, who knows the heart, acknowledged them by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as He did to us, and made no distinction between us and them, purifying their hearts by faith. ~ Acts 15:8-9

This verse reminds me of another verse when God chose an unlikely shepherd boy to be a king over His people. As Samuel was sent to anoint God's chosen one, he was surprised when the older brothers of David were passed over and God said to him, `"Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." ~ I Samuel 16:7

The Lord looks at the heart. He is not concerned with our status, our physical appearance, our position, our title. He is not concerned with our race, our nationality, whether we are Jewish or Gentile. He looks at our hearts. He sees us, knows us, every inch of our thoughts and dreams, our weaknesses, our brokenness, our gifts, our desires, our longings, our sorrows, our regrets, our victories, our failures. He sees it all. He is interested in a heart that's been purified by faith in Jesus...not anything else that this world will tell you makes you worthy of love, value, and acceptance. He just wants a heart that says, "I am willing to trust you. I believe you. I will follow you."

Back to Acts 15:8-9...The "God who knows the heart" then "acknowledges them by giving them the Holy Spirit". The Holy Spirit is talked about throughout Acts and we see the important role of the Holy Spirit in our lives emphasized many times throughout the New Testament from the time it was first received by the church in the beginning of Acts.

...they were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia. ~ Acts 16:6b

When these things were accomplished, Paul purposed in the Spirit, when he had passed through Macedonia and Achaia, to go to Jerusalem... ~ Acts:21a

For it seemed good to the Holy Spirit, and to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things. ~ Acts:15:28

How did they know what the Holy Spirit was saying to them? How could they be certain that it was a message from the Lord? Two things: prayer and God's Word. Acts 12:5 ~ Peter was therefore in prison, but constant prayer was offered to God for him by the church. And what happened? But the word of God grew and multiplied. ~Acts 12:24 And, as they continued in prayer, seeking the Holy Spirit for guidance, and studying and preaching the word of God...what happened? So the churches were strengthened in the faith, and increased in number daily. ~ Acts 16:5 And again...what was happening as these men remained faithful to following His call? So the word of the Lord grew mightily and prevailed. ~ Acts 19:20

As a mom, sometimes I wonder if anything I do is really making a difference. Will my children choose to follow the Lord? Will the seeds we've planted take root or will they be swept away by the cares of this world? As a friend, I wonder if I show the love of Jesus to those around me? Is my light shining, or is it hidden beneath the pile of my weaknesses? As a wife, do I help my husband be the best he can be or am I a hindrance to his walk? As a servant in ministry, is my heart right? Could I do more, give more, pray more?

Sometimes, like Paul, I feel locked in a prison of my own making...kept from moving forward to complete freedom...kept from being all I can be. I want to shake loose from the chains, see the walls of my prison broken down. I want to be free to follow Him with all of my heart. I smile at the image of Paul and Silas in prison, "praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them." They were singing praise to God, while they were still in the prison. They were not free from circumstances. Yet, they were free...even while they were bound. The circumstances held no power over them.

God sends the earthquake. The walls from the prison come tumbling down. The guards see and are afraid. One says, "Sirs what must I do to be saved?" So they said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household." Acts 19:30-31They tell the prison guard about Jesus and go have a celebratory dinner with the guard and his newly saved family! (See Acts 16:25-40)

This simple "formula" from the early church encourages me to persevere. Through prayer, relying on the Holy Spirit, and the word of God...His work will be accomplished. We can keep on keeping on in obedience to His calling. Like Paul and Silas, we don't have to wait for perfect circumstances to praise our God...to walk as one who is complete and free as we sing and tell of His glory. Right where we are, we can praise the One who knows our hearts, and He will lead us to freedom. He will knock down our prison walls in His time. Until then, He will comfort and guide us with His Holy Spirit, as we seek Him through prayer, and study His perfect word.