Surrendering...and Places I Don't Wanna Go

It’s early Saturday morning and I’m sitting in the bathroom of a hotel in Columbus (at Women of Faith) on the edge of the bathtub as I type this. Having trouble with internet connectivity, so I’m writing in Word to copy and paste to my blog later. (O.K….really I’m too lazy to walk down to the front desk to pay the fee to connect to the internet…and don’t want to wake my roommate by calling downstairs.)

I awoke with the words rolling around in my head, gripping me, stirring my heart, moving me to the cold edge of the bathtub to release them before meeting the rest of the ladies for today’s conference.

I posted already about some fun parts of our weekend. And, I promise there will be more fun posts. Posts with pictures of the lovely ladies who joined us for this weekend of inspiration and encouragement. Posts of bloggers I have now hugged in real life…mothers who also have said good bye to their children. Posts that share some of the “I Love Lucy-like” mishaps that always seem to find me. But, this post is for releasing the relentless words on my heart.

I have so much to tell you about some of the insights of the speakers and the ways the Holy Spirit has spoken through each one. But, last night it was Lisa Harper’s testimony that cut me to the core. She was talking about one of her family members getting saved…a person she thought would never bow his knee and allow grace to wash over Him at the foot of the cross…redeeming his soul…setting him free…. mending all that was broken between them…lifting the weight of sin he had carried long and heavy.

When she spoke of the day, God moved that mountain and saved that weary soul, she began with my mother’s verse…my verse…the verse that One Way is named for…the promise I have clung to through many dark nights.

John 14:6 – Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Lisa shared how he kept reading…this newly redeemed soul until what I refer to as Thomas’ verses. Not just the Thomas of the Bible. My Thomas.

John 20
“Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed.”

That got my attention. The verses themselves already had me in a puddle of tears…as I felt my heavenly Father’s love…His hand reaching down to touch those tender places, caressing the ache of my soul with His promises.

But…there was more.

Has God ever asked you to go get someone…to love them with the love of Jesus? Someone who has left you with a hole in your heart…or maybe someone you just don’t connect with. It could be someone who irritates you, didn’t meet your expectations, someone that you wonder if it might not ever be possible for them to find their way to the cross. And, even if they did, they would never bend their knee…never lay it all down.

He’s asking me. He’s been asking for awhile. Persistent, that God of mine. But, I don’t want to go. Loving this person with the love of Jesus brings up all kinds of feelings that are safely tucked away. Feelings that hurt too much, even to brush the surface.

So, I wept while Lisa talked and God’s words permeated my heart. I wept, and started the journey to surrender. I know there’s beauty in the dying. Beauty in the laying down of it all. I know that’s the place where He lives…

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I wrote the above words early Saturday morning, but that was only the beginning of God’s message for me. He drove His point home as Nicole Johnson held up her white patent leather shoes and spoke of the day she took tiny steps unto a witness stand and made an impossible choice in her little five-year-old voice.

I sat high in Nationwide Arena, undone…stripped bare. Telling God, I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to go. Please….and the tears fell, fat and bitter from the deepest part of my heart.

Nicole so eloquently shared a sentiment I’ve often said myself, with different words…but the same idea:

“Life’s greatest value is in the broken pieces.”

So true…I just wish it were easier to be broken, surrendered, and put back together again. It hurts to visit places that we have kept safe and hidden, to open them up, and give them to God. It hurts to surrender. But, it is all for our good. You, see God doesn't want to leave us in our broken messes. He has already healed so many of mine, but He isn't finished yet. He wants to mend all of my brokenness...to bring beauty from all the ugly, just as He's done so many times before.