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What's Up with Us...
Last week, we enjoyed five busy mornings of VBS at our church. The theme was Daniel, and boy was it an encouragement. I love VBS, and often feel like I am learning just as much as the children. One of my favorite things about God's word is that it doesn't matter how many times you hear it, He can speak something new to your heart each time. Our church goes all out, building elaborate sets, planning awesome crafts and games, and preparing yummy snacks. The music gets the children going, and the bible study is told in a way that brings it to life. I truly love my church family, and feel blessed every year to be a small part of all that goes on at VBS.
As I think about Daniel, I am in awe of his courage and conviction to serve the Lord...whether or not it may cost his life. Of course, I also love Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-Nego. Always have. I have searched the bible many times for examples of faith, trying to understand, especially during challenging times in my own walk. I used to wonder if having faith meant that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would rescue me from my circumstances. Some believe that. The truth is that I didn't always know if God would rescue me the way I hoped. I knew He would never leave me...I knew that He would carry me through whatever lie ahead. I knew that He would heal and restore...whether in heaven or on this earth. I trusted Him...whatever that meant.
But, sometimes I wondered if my faith was found lacking. I wondered if the people who served him in biblical times knew for sure that they would be O.K. in the end. It's part of why I have always loved Shadrach and his buddies. They trusted God, and obeyed Him. But, they didn't know if they were going to get burned in the fire. They knew the Lord could save them...and if He chose not to, they would be in heaven. They didn't KNOW...but they TRUSTED HIM ANYWAY. That's faith, my friend...trusting Him anyway...no matter what the outcome.
Of course, I also love the ending. They were thrown into the fire and they didn't get burned, not even their clothes. And...best of all, there was a fourth person in the fire that day. Jesus stood there with them, protecting them so they would not feel the heat of the flames...protecting them in the fire. Just like He does for us, today. There will be times spent in our own fiery furnaces in this life, but one thing He does promise, is that when that time comes...He will be there in the midst of it all, keeping us safe from the flames.
What's Up With Sufficient Grace...
Ride4Grace Motorcycle Run
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Registration at 10:00am
Approximately 85 mile ride starting/ending at:
Findlay First Church of the Nazarene
2501 Broad Avenue
Findlay, Oh 45840
Suggested Donation for ride:
$15.00 per bike
Contact Dave: daveamspoker@hotmail(dot)com
Or Holly: caring4carleigh@yahoo(dot)com
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If you're in the Findlay area, we will also be having an ice cream social on August 14, 2010 (11am-2pm). This will include a picnic-style lunch of hot dogs, chips, punch, and ice cream w/toppings. Free Will Donation supports Sufficient Grace.
Ice Cream Social will also be at:
Findlay First Church of the Nazarene
2501 Broad Avenue
Findlay, Oh 45840
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Please visit this week's WWY mama, Deanna and read the story of her Payton Rose. Deanna is not a blogger, but she IS my in-real-life friend. She has such a sweet smile and a beautiful heart. Please visit the Walking With You page and show her some love this week.
Have a wonderful week! Blessings to you...
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Beautiful Story of Payton Rose
Thank you to everyone for showing such love and encouragement to Jenny last week!This week's featured mommy is not a blogger. She is my in-real-life friend, Deanna. She and her husband Jim attended the same high school as Tim and I...and Jim is our son's baseball coach. Jim and Deanna's son, Kenton, is also friends with our son James. It would be such a blessing if you would leave your words of encouragement in the comments on this post for Jim and Deanna. Your love, prayers, and willingness to walk with one another means so much and brings such comfort to a grieving heart.
And, now...Payton's story as told by her sweet mommy, Deanna Shoemaker...
Payton Rose Shoemaker
June 6, 2003 to July 9, 2003
Daughter to Jim and Deanna
Our precious Payton was born June 6, 2003 on a beautiful sunny day. She weighed 6lbs 6oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. I had been scheduled for a c-section right from the beginning of my pregnancy. The pregnancy went well; all tests and ultrasounds came back fine. It was a complete shock that she had such a severe defect when she was born. The doctor told us right as she was born that we would have a wedding to pay for someday……boy was he wrong!!! It was going to be a funeral instead. I knew something was wrong right away she was not crying, at least not like all those babies did on all those baby shows I had watched, and I could not compare it to Kenton’s birth because it was an emergency and I was put out. I asked Jim what was going on, he said she was moving around and kicking, and that they were giving her a bit of oxygen. The Pediatrician brought her over for a quick look, and then said they were taking her out because she was having a hard time breathing. Imagine lying on the surgery table and not being able to get up after someone tells you your baby is in distress….
Finally I get to recovery and I still have only seen Payton for maybe a minute, my OB goes to find out what is going on, everyone else at this time however is getting to see Payton having no idea that anything is wrong…
Our Pediatrician finally gets back with us to let us know he believes our daughter has a diaphragmatic hernia and will need to be transported to Toledo Children’s Hospital for surgery. I immediately want to know if she will be okay, and he believes she will be fine after surgery. Jim now has to tell family and friends what is going on, but we are not too worried at this time. Jim goes off to talk to family and friends in the waiting room while I’m in my room. I actually am pulling my hair back and putting on a bit of makeup so I look somewhat presentable for visitors.
Then all of a sudden I hear a code blue over the speaker which immediately I know is Payton, because I was the only one on the maternity floor at that time. I’m by myself and can’t get up, pushing the nurse’s button continuously until a nurse finally arrives, and she says she thinks Payton had a seizure but was not sure. They were looking for Jim and could not find him….
I later find out he was in the chapel just sitting with his mom praying for a miracle, but not feeling he had the right to ask since we were not avid church goers, Christians, but not an every Sunday ritual. Finally 3 hours after my c-section I get to get up and go see Payton. She grabs hold of my finger and looks at me and I just fall apart and cry. The medics from Toledo are there getting her prepped for transport, I just can’t believe this is happening, what did I do wrong, why did we not know? I had so many questions.
Jim now had to decide if he should stay with me or go with Payton, but the doctors encouraged him to get some rest that nothing would be done until the next day at least. So, now Payton is on her way to Toledo and we still have visitors coming expecting to see Payton, that was really hard to have to tell them she was not there……..I only had a Polaroid they had taken of her just before she left. Later when me and Jim were alone I fell apart again, but Jim was strong at this time, until around 3:00 in the morning when we get a call from Toledo that Payton is not responding to their treatment.
They need our permission to now transport her to Mott’s Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. They tell us she needs special treatment called ECMO that they cannot provide. We have no idea what they are talking about or what is going on but of course we tell them yes, we want Payton to get better, but now we are starting to worry a bit.
What is ECMO, why is she not responding, all we know is it probably is not good.
In the morning Jim leaves for Ann Arbor in tears not knowing if he will see his daughter alive when he gets there. I’m a complete basket case now, and have to wait for my doctor to release me from the hospital, but only 24 hours after my c-section I’m released and heading to see my daughter. Those of you who have had c sections know that you usually don’t even get out of bed for 12 hours and your hospital stay is at least 4 days, but I had to see my daughter.
My very good friend Linda along with her daughter Bree, my brother David and Kenton drove me to Ann Arbor, I swear she hit every bump, but actually she was only driving about 45, but I was still in a lot of pain. I have already talked to Jim and know Payton is already hooked up to the ECMO and doing better, so I’m not too worried at this point. But what is ECMO??? I have visions of this huge contraption she will be in and not even being able to touch her. But then I get there and walk into the NICU and see Payton hooked up to the ventilator with all these wires and monitors with things beeping and she is just laying there. They have to give her medications( Pavulon) that paralyze her to keep her from getting to excited, or her vitals get out of control. It kills me to this day to think about her on that drug. It was as if on some days she would look into my eyes as if to say “mommy pick me up, why are you not holding me……it just broke my heart.
I loved the days when she was able to move around and hold my finger, but it always made her vitals go up. I was also relieved to see that ECMO was not a huge contraption that Payton was encased in, it was quite amazing how it works and the ECMO techs were very helpful and honest when answering our questions. It also just so happens that the inventor of ECMO is at the hospital, I can’t remember his name, but I think he is from Australia and he came over and visited with us and told us how ECMO was helping our daughter. It was very fascinating.
We also found out that the little hole in her diaphragm was more than just a little hole. This hole had allowed all her lower organs to come up into her chest cavity. Therefore her left lung had not developed, her right lung had gotten a hole in it while they were bagging her in Defiance, and her heart was damaged due to all the organs pushing up against it. To look at her you would never know there was a thing wrong with her, but her insides were another story. She was on ECMO for 17 days and during that time had to be switched 3 times due to clotting problems, and as you all know that always set their progress back, but she did come off it, which was amazing the doctors never thought she would live without it. The had told us the day before they were going to be weaning her off ECMO in the morning and that we should hold her now because they did not think she would last long without it. They were at a point that once they took her off she would not be able to be put back on; her body was rejecting it too much.
So we hold our daughter for the first time and it is not the kind of hold I really wanted, she was hooked up to everything still and wrapped in blankets, I just wanted to hold her so close and hug her, but it was impossible, I whispered in her ear rubbed her head and ran my fingers through her hair, and Jim did the same, her SATS had never been so good. We had two of our best friends there with us at the time and they took pictures, however, we lost one of the friends who was just too overwhelmed with emotion to stay. We later found her just wondering the hallways, but I will never forget their support and love. We left that night joyful and sad at the same time, what would tomorrow bring how long would she hold on without ECMO.
We headed back to the hospital early the next morning, I want to be there while they take her off, but when we get there and walk into the NICU I immediately notice the machine is gone. The nurses are all smiling and come give us hugs, they are all amazed, Payton is keeping her own without ECMO, a glimmer of hope, Jim and I are just ecstatic. We go to the gift shop and bring her an angel bear and Kenton has pictures taped to her isolate. The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster, trying to wean her off the ventilator to be able to go into surgery. The doctors at our hospital would not perform surgery while on ECMO, which I suppose I could have argued, but I never felt like they were not doing everything they could for her. There were many ups and downs during her one month and three days here on Earth, but Jim and I agree one of the better days was when we had our very own Hashbarger Reunion brought to us right at the hospital. You guys went above and beyond to raise our spirits, lugging coolers full of food and drink through and huge hospital. You all visited with Payton as well, making us feel very loved and helping us keep our faith strong that she would get better. Baskets were filled with gifts and treats, for Kenton and Payton both it was amazing!!!!!!!
Payton fought hard and she did not give up without a fight, the doctors did all they could, and she surprised them every now and then. The nurses were amazed at all the support we had from friends and family, they said they had never seen such support before. It was true Payton had many visitors every day; she had tons of prayers, and a family that loved her. She never did get stable enough to have surgery; we decided not to put her through it if it would not make her better. Besides the doctors said she would not even make it through a surgery if her vitals were not stable. Her SATS towards the end took longer and longer to bring back up which we knew was doing more harm than good. They tried Nitrous several times, Viagra, and eventually the oscillator vent, which I also hated!
I had asked the nurses earlier on in the month how someone would know it was time to let their child go, and they would say with a smile you will know. I told them I didn’t think I would and would never be able to make that decision. But when Jim and I got that call at home that July morning we both at the same time looked at each other and knew….it was time to let her go. Kenton had been with us through this whole ordeal almost everyday, but we chose not to take him on this day. We made arrangements for him and off we went. We made some calls to immediate family to head to the hospital to say their good byes. Upon arrival our favorite nurse Janet was in the hall and I thought “oh my God she is already gone” which is what I had prayed for towards the end. I would ask God if you want our Payton please just take her, don’t make us make that decision, but we soon realized the doctors and machines could probably have kept her alive for month’s maybe longer, but we did not want that for her, she needed to go back home, not our home, but the Lord’s. The nurse was just there to meet us and ask us what we intended to do. I had wanted her to be off the Pavulon, but they could not keep her SATS up without it, so Jim and I went in and kissed her, and talked to her, I stroked her hair, rubbed her tiny little feet and hands, I wanted to imbed everything about her into my head. I told her it was okay for her to go that Grandpa and Grandma would be there waiting for her (my parents).
We left the room while they unhooked her from everything and they then brought her into us in another private room. I was hysterical and did not want to hold her, but I knew if I did not hold her Jim would not either, and I knew he wanted to. So I held her for just a short time, which I now regret, I wish I would have brought clothes for her and dressed her, I wish I would have held her tight, but I just could not at that time. Jim held her for quite some time just gazing at his daughter; I was sitting next to him holding her hand. Grandma Barb and Great Grandma Lou held their Grand daughter as well as Uncle Dave; it was a very tearful event. Payton went home to Jesus on another beautiful day in July, although at the time we did not think it was a beautiful day …….we had to tell Kenton yet. He was only three, but smart beyond his years. We could not say nothing, I mean for the past several months he kept asking if his sister was done yet……..he had seen her, touched her, now she was gone. He was such a trooper, he told me it was going to be okay mommy…….we just need a hole in our roof and Jesus can drop Payton back down to us…….talk about heartbreak. The months passed and he asked many questions, all of which were answered honestly, he knew she was in Heaven with Jesus, and he knew when he saw mommy cry it was because she missed Payton and he would always be there with a hug.
Getting prepared for the funeral…….how do you do that when you are in such an emotional state of mind? Picking out a plot at the cemetery in tears, how do you choose a spot to lay your child to rest? How do you pick out the clothes your child will wear, going through the clothes you had bought for her to wear now never to be worn. How do you choose a casket, what music to play? I will not lie it was horrible I hated every bit of it, but it had to be done. The funeral director asked if we were going to have just a private service, and we immediately said no. He was a bit surprised, he explained that with young infants it is usually just family, but Payton had touched many hearts in her short lifetime and the day of the funeral they had to add extra chairs for all of her visitors. Though the day was sad, it was full of friends, family, and those who just wanted to help during our time of grief, we felt very blessed to have had our daughter touch so many hearts.
We still talk about Payton today, she is never far from our thoughts, and she is with us in our hearts forever. The cemetery that she is laid to rest at it just a mile from our house and we visit often. Every birthday we release balloons to her in heaven, every Christmas Eve we light a candle on her stone, and on the day of her death she always gets a visit. Her stone was designed by me and always has trinkets and flowers on it from family and friends who visit. The design on her stone is of an angel bear that was with her during her entire stay at the hospital, with roses for her middle name of course, and flowing ribbons, because our friend Jodie had made ribbons for everyone to wear to support Payton while she was in the hospital. They had a pink rosette with pale pink, blue, and yellow ribbon, and everyone wore them everyday in hopes that she would come home.
Five years later…….we have another daughter Tayah Grace, born happy and healthy on May 2nd, 2006. The pregnancy was an emotional one for me, I was worried the whole time, even after having high level ultra sounds and maternal fetal specialists the first few months of pregnancy. But never give up hope and let your fears get the best of you, God is with you always, and though he may not answer our prayers the way we want him to, he does answer them. When you lose a child hold them, take pictures( the hospital did this for us and sent them to us later on when we were in a better state of mind…..so glad I have them now) get footprints and handprints, locks of hair, you will eventually be glad you did………..keep a journal write down your feelings. I read them now and think “wow” I was really having a bad day that day, or look how far I have come. Don’t be afraid to get counseling, talk to your loved ones, let your emotions out and over time you will begin to heal, you will be a new you ……….
To read more about Payton and her family and the lovely art created by Deanna in Payton's memory, please visit their Facebook Page: Payton's Precious Memories
And, now...Payton's story as told by her sweet mommy, Deanna Shoemaker...
Payton Rose Shoemaker
June 6, 2003 to July 9, 2003
Daughter to Jim and Deanna
Our precious Payton was born June 6, 2003 on a beautiful sunny day. She weighed 6lbs 6oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. I had been scheduled for a c-section right from the beginning of my pregnancy. The pregnancy went well; all tests and ultrasounds came back fine. It was a complete shock that she had such a severe defect when she was born. The doctor told us right as she was born that we would have a wedding to pay for someday……boy was he wrong!!! It was going to be a funeral instead. I knew something was wrong right away she was not crying, at least not like all those babies did on all those baby shows I had watched, and I could not compare it to Kenton’s birth because it was an emergency and I was put out. I asked Jim what was going on, he said she was moving around and kicking, and that they were giving her a bit of oxygen. The Pediatrician brought her over for a quick look, and then said they were taking her out because she was having a hard time breathing. Imagine lying on the surgery table and not being able to get up after someone tells you your baby is in distress….
Finally I get to recovery and I still have only seen Payton for maybe a minute, my OB goes to find out what is going on, everyone else at this time however is getting to see Payton having no idea that anything is wrong…
Our Pediatrician finally gets back with us to let us know he believes our daughter has a diaphragmatic hernia and will need to be transported to Toledo Children’s Hospital for surgery. I immediately want to know if she will be okay, and he believes she will be fine after surgery. Jim now has to tell family and friends what is going on, but we are not too worried at this time. Jim goes off to talk to family and friends in the waiting room while I’m in my room. I actually am pulling my hair back and putting on a bit of makeup so I look somewhat presentable for visitors.
Then all of a sudden I hear a code blue over the speaker which immediately I know is Payton, because I was the only one on the maternity floor at that time. I’m by myself and can’t get up, pushing the nurse’s button continuously until a nurse finally arrives, and she says she thinks Payton had a seizure but was not sure. They were looking for Jim and could not find him….
I later find out he was in the chapel just sitting with his mom praying for a miracle, but not feeling he had the right to ask since we were not avid church goers, Christians, but not an every Sunday ritual. Finally 3 hours after my c-section I get to get up and go see Payton. She grabs hold of my finger and looks at me and I just fall apart and cry. The medics from Toledo are there getting her prepped for transport, I just can’t believe this is happening, what did I do wrong, why did we not know? I had so many questions.
Jim now had to decide if he should stay with me or go with Payton, but the doctors encouraged him to get some rest that nothing would be done until the next day at least. So, now Payton is on her way to Toledo and we still have visitors coming expecting to see Payton, that was really hard to have to tell them she was not there……..I only had a Polaroid they had taken of her just before she left. Later when me and Jim were alone I fell apart again, but Jim was strong at this time, until around 3:00 in the morning when we get a call from Toledo that Payton is not responding to their treatment.
They need our permission to now transport her to Mott’s Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. They tell us she needs special treatment called ECMO that they cannot provide. We have no idea what they are talking about or what is going on but of course we tell them yes, we want Payton to get better, but now we are starting to worry a bit.
What is ECMO, why is she not responding, all we know is it probably is not good.
In the morning Jim leaves for Ann Arbor in tears not knowing if he will see his daughter alive when he gets there. I’m a complete basket case now, and have to wait for my doctor to release me from the hospital, but only 24 hours after my c-section I’m released and heading to see my daughter. Those of you who have had c sections know that you usually don’t even get out of bed for 12 hours and your hospital stay is at least 4 days, but I had to see my daughter.
My very good friend Linda along with her daughter Bree, my brother David and Kenton drove me to Ann Arbor, I swear she hit every bump, but actually she was only driving about 45, but I was still in a lot of pain. I have already talked to Jim and know Payton is already hooked up to the ECMO and doing better, so I’m not too worried at this point. But what is ECMO??? I have visions of this huge contraption she will be in and not even being able to touch her. But then I get there and walk into the NICU and see Payton hooked up to the ventilator with all these wires and monitors with things beeping and she is just laying there. They have to give her medications( Pavulon) that paralyze her to keep her from getting to excited, or her vitals get out of control. It kills me to this day to think about her on that drug. It was as if on some days she would look into my eyes as if to say “mommy pick me up, why are you not holding me……it just broke my heart.
I loved the days when she was able to move around and hold my finger, but it always made her vitals go up. I was also relieved to see that ECMO was not a huge contraption that Payton was encased in, it was quite amazing how it works and the ECMO techs were very helpful and honest when answering our questions. It also just so happens that the inventor of ECMO is at the hospital, I can’t remember his name, but I think he is from Australia and he came over and visited with us and told us how ECMO was helping our daughter. It was very fascinating.
We also found out that the little hole in her diaphragm was more than just a little hole. This hole had allowed all her lower organs to come up into her chest cavity. Therefore her left lung had not developed, her right lung had gotten a hole in it while they were bagging her in Defiance, and her heart was damaged due to all the organs pushing up against it. To look at her you would never know there was a thing wrong with her, but her insides were another story. She was on ECMO for 17 days and during that time had to be switched 3 times due to clotting problems, and as you all know that always set their progress back, but she did come off it, which was amazing the doctors never thought she would live without it. The had told us the day before they were going to be weaning her off ECMO in the morning and that we should hold her now because they did not think she would last long without it. They were at a point that once they took her off she would not be able to be put back on; her body was rejecting it too much.
So we hold our daughter for the first time and it is not the kind of hold I really wanted, she was hooked up to everything still and wrapped in blankets, I just wanted to hold her so close and hug her, but it was impossible, I whispered in her ear rubbed her head and ran my fingers through her hair, and Jim did the same, her SATS had never been so good. We had two of our best friends there with us at the time and they took pictures, however, we lost one of the friends who was just too overwhelmed with emotion to stay. We later found her just wondering the hallways, but I will never forget their support and love. We left that night joyful and sad at the same time, what would tomorrow bring how long would she hold on without ECMO.
We headed back to the hospital early the next morning, I want to be there while they take her off, but when we get there and walk into the NICU I immediately notice the machine is gone. The nurses are all smiling and come give us hugs, they are all amazed, Payton is keeping her own without ECMO, a glimmer of hope, Jim and I are just ecstatic. We go to the gift shop and bring her an angel bear and Kenton has pictures taped to her isolate. The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster, trying to wean her off the ventilator to be able to go into surgery. The doctors at our hospital would not perform surgery while on ECMO, which I suppose I could have argued, but I never felt like they were not doing everything they could for her. There were many ups and downs during her one month and three days here on Earth, but Jim and I agree one of the better days was when we had our very own Hashbarger Reunion brought to us right at the hospital. You guys went above and beyond to raise our spirits, lugging coolers full of food and drink through and huge hospital. You all visited with Payton as well, making us feel very loved and helping us keep our faith strong that she would get better. Baskets were filled with gifts and treats, for Kenton and Payton both it was amazing!!!!!!!
Payton fought hard and she did not give up without a fight, the doctors did all they could, and she surprised them every now and then. The nurses were amazed at all the support we had from friends and family, they said they had never seen such support before. It was true Payton had many visitors every day; she had tons of prayers, and a family that loved her. She never did get stable enough to have surgery; we decided not to put her through it if it would not make her better. Besides the doctors said she would not even make it through a surgery if her vitals were not stable. Her SATS towards the end took longer and longer to bring back up which we knew was doing more harm than good. They tried Nitrous several times, Viagra, and eventually the oscillator vent, which I also hated!
I had asked the nurses earlier on in the month how someone would know it was time to let their child go, and they would say with a smile you will know. I told them I didn’t think I would and would never be able to make that decision. But when Jim and I got that call at home that July morning we both at the same time looked at each other and knew….it was time to let her go. Kenton had been with us through this whole ordeal almost everyday, but we chose not to take him on this day. We made arrangements for him and off we went. We made some calls to immediate family to head to the hospital to say their good byes. Upon arrival our favorite nurse Janet was in the hall and I thought “oh my God she is already gone” which is what I had prayed for towards the end. I would ask God if you want our Payton please just take her, don’t make us make that decision, but we soon realized the doctors and machines could probably have kept her alive for month’s maybe longer, but we did not want that for her, she needed to go back home, not our home, but the Lord’s. The nurse was just there to meet us and ask us what we intended to do. I had wanted her to be off the Pavulon, but they could not keep her SATS up without it, so Jim and I went in and kissed her, and talked to her, I stroked her hair, rubbed her tiny little feet and hands, I wanted to imbed everything about her into my head. I told her it was okay for her to go that Grandpa and Grandma would be there waiting for her (my parents).
We left the room while they unhooked her from everything and they then brought her into us in another private room. I was hysterical and did not want to hold her, but I knew if I did not hold her Jim would not either, and I knew he wanted to. So I held her for just a short time, which I now regret, I wish I would have brought clothes for her and dressed her, I wish I would have held her tight, but I just could not at that time. Jim held her for quite some time just gazing at his daughter; I was sitting next to him holding her hand. Grandma Barb and Great Grandma Lou held their Grand daughter as well as Uncle Dave; it was a very tearful event. Payton went home to Jesus on another beautiful day in July, although at the time we did not think it was a beautiful day …….we had to tell Kenton yet. He was only three, but smart beyond his years. We could not say nothing, I mean for the past several months he kept asking if his sister was done yet……..he had seen her, touched her, now she was gone. He was such a trooper, he told me it was going to be okay mommy…….we just need a hole in our roof and Jesus can drop Payton back down to us…….talk about heartbreak. The months passed and he asked many questions, all of which were answered honestly, he knew she was in Heaven with Jesus, and he knew when he saw mommy cry it was because she missed Payton and he would always be there with a hug.
Getting prepared for the funeral…….how do you do that when you are in such an emotional state of mind? Picking out a plot at the cemetery in tears, how do you choose a spot to lay your child to rest? How do you pick out the clothes your child will wear, going through the clothes you had bought for her to wear now never to be worn. How do you choose a casket, what music to play? I will not lie it was horrible I hated every bit of it, but it had to be done. The funeral director asked if we were going to have just a private service, and we immediately said no. He was a bit surprised, he explained that with young infants it is usually just family, but Payton had touched many hearts in her short lifetime and the day of the funeral they had to add extra chairs for all of her visitors. Though the day was sad, it was full of friends, family, and those who just wanted to help during our time of grief, we felt very blessed to have had our daughter touch so many hearts.
We still talk about Payton today, she is never far from our thoughts, and she is with us in our hearts forever. The cemetery that she is laid to rest at it just a mile from our house and we visit often. Every birthday we release balloons to her in heaven, every Christmas Eve we light a candle on her stone, and on the day of her death she always gets a visit. Her stone was designed by me and always has trinkets and flowers on it from family and friends who visit. The design on her stone is of an angel bear that was with her during her entire stay at the hospital, with roses for her middle name of course, and flowing ribbons, because our friend Jodie had made ribbons for everyone to wear to support Payton while she was in the hospital. They had a pink rosette with pale pink, blue, and yellow ribbon, and everyone wore them everyday in hopes that she would come home.
Five years later…….we have another daughter Tayah Grace, born happy and healthy on May 2nd, 2006. The pregnancy was an emotional one for me, I was worried the whole time, even after having high level ultra sounds and maternal fetal specialists the first few months of pregnancy. But never give up hope and let your fears get the best of you, God is with you always, and though he may not answer our prayers the way we want him to, he does answer them. When you lose a child hold them, take pictures( the hospital did this for us and sent them to us later on when we were in a better state of mind…..so glad I have them now) get footprints and handprints, locks of hair, you will eventually be glad you did………..keep a journal write down your feelings. I read them now and think “wow” I was really having a bad day that day, or look how far I have come. Don’t be afraid to get counseling, talk to your loved ones, let your emotions out and over time you will begin to heal, you will be a new you ……….
To read more about Payton and her family and the lovely art created by Deanna in Payton's memory, please visit their Facebook Page: Payton's Precious Memories
Monday, July 19, 2010
Show Some Love to This Week's WWY Mama
There is a new post up on this week's Walking With You Page. Please take a few minutes this week to show this sweet mom, (and dear blog friend) some love. If you read her two most recent posts, I think you will be encouraged just as much as your visit will encourage her. God is working in her life in a beautiful way! Please make sure you leave a comment, telling her you were there...and pray for this sweet mama and her family this week.
Blessings to you...
Blessings to you...
Show Some Love to My Friend Jennifer, Isaiah's Mommy...
I am so excited to share the story of Isaiah and this week's featured blogger, his beautiful mommy, Jennifer from His Grace is Sufficient with you on this week's Walking With You. But, first, I would like to remind you that the purpose of this segment of Walking With You is to encourage one another...so that all would know that they are not walking this path alone. I noticed participation was a little down last week, so I would just like to gently ask that you would please take just a few minutes to visit Jenny and leave her a word of support and/or encouragement. (Pleeeeaaase...=) It takes very little time, but means so much to a grieving heart.
Many of you may already know Jenny...please stop by and show her some love anyway! She has such a gentle spirit, and such a tender mother's heart. Plus, she has been faithful to "walk with me" in blogland...always encouraging me and so many others along the way. And for that, I am so grateful.
Jennifer's most recent post just blessed my soul this weekend. Please take a moment to read how the Lord whispered His love and comfort into her heart. Make sure to scroll down and read the post right before it, also, if you have time. You will see that God is truly working in her life. In going over to encourage her, you just might get encouraged yourself! (It often happens that way! I think it might be part of God's plan...as we show love to one another, we feel loved and encouraged.)
In her first blog post, Jenny shares some of her heart and the reason she chose her blog name:
Jennifer's words: I named my blog "His Grace Is Sufficient," because there is no way that I would be able to get through the day without Gods grace pouring over me. It says in
2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
My daily focus is to look at what God has allowed in my life, and how can I bring Him the glory out of it. How can I take the loss of Isaiah's life and bring something beautiful out of it.
This post talks about the first steps on Jenny's journey...and tells the beginning of Isaiah's story. I encourage you to read more parts of her story if you have time...God has carried her on an amazing journey. And, He still carries her.
Thank you so much for taking the time to walk with other moms. Now, please go show sweet Jenny some love and remember her and her family in your prayers this week!
Have a blessed week...
Many of you may already know Jenny...please stop by and show her some love anyway! She has such a gentle spirit, and such a tender mother's heart. Plus, she has been faithful to "walk with me" in blogland...always encouraging me and so many others along the way. And for that, I am so grateful.
Jennifer's most recent post just blessed my soul this weekend. Please take a moment to read how the Lord whispered His love and comfort into her heart. Make sure to scroll down and read the post right before it, also, if you have time. You will see that God is truly working in her life. In going over to encourage her, you just might get encouraged yourself! (It often happens that way! I think it might be part of God's plan...as we show love to one another, we feel loved and encouraged.)
In her first blog post, Jenny shares some of her heart and the reason she chose her blog name:
Jennifer's words: I named my blog "His Grace Is Sufficient," because there is no way that I would be able to get through the day without Gods grace pouring over me. It says in
2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
My daily focus is to look at what God has allowed in my life, and how can I bring Him the glory out of it. How can I take the loss of Isaiah's life and bring something beautiful out of it.
This post talks about the first steps on Jenny's journey...and tells the beginning of Isaiah's story. I encourage you to read more parts of her story if you have time...God has carried her on an amazing journey. And, He still carries her.
Thank you so much for taking the time to walk with other moms. Now, please go show sweet Jenny some love and remember her and her family in your prayers this week!
Have a blessed week...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Writer's Write
When I was in Jr. High...or maybe High School, my mother bought me a type writer so that I could have a place to pour out all of my words. I loved the clickety clack of the keys as they pressed each letter onto the clean white paper. I remember wishing I had glasses so that I would look more the part of a writer. As an actress in high school theater productions, looking the part was very important.
I had so many dreams back then, about taking the stage...finding solace in playing the part. Quiet evenings, letting the words flow from my heart onto the pages of the books I would publish. I was all about peace and love then, enamored with the hippie philosophies of the sixties (even though I grew up in the 80s!). Maybe I would be a political journalist (and of course, perform on the New York stages of Broadway on the side). Maybe I would change the world with my words.
My political views are much different these days, and based on different passions. Now I pour my words out onto the computer screen and the buttons make a different sound. I do wear glasses, because my vision blurs after awhile. My face is not the glowing face of the idealistic young girl who dreamed of changing the world with her words. It is rather a face etched with a few hard-earned lines and a few extra pounds. My hair is not the flowing mane of brunette waves that reached past the middle of my once slender back. Instead, it is cropped at my shoulders and peppered with glimpses of white.
I dreamed of taking the stage, writing a book, falling in love, and having a bunch of babies. Some of that happened. But certainly not the way that I dreamed it. I stopped taking the stage of the theater after high school. I kept singing, though. Only the music changed...to songs of worship. I fell in love, and the babies came. I stopped writing for a long time. But the words never left. They just changed...like the music.
I started writing a book years ago, before I knew what a blog was. It wasn't the book I used to dream of writing. In fact, I never would have chosen the path that led to the story pouring from my heart. But, it was the story I was given. The one that I felt compelled to tell, even if just for myself. It's always been that way for me. When the words begin to flow, I can no more deny them than I could keep from breathing, for they come just as naturally. I don't say that as a boast, it is simply the way that God made me. The release of the words for me is like therapy, but even more so. My Writer-Chic friend, Monica, says it well in the header of her blog, "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you." Not telling the story of God's grace and healing, of the children of my heart who graced this earth for mere moments, but changed me for all eternity, the restoration of a marriage that shouldn't be, the glory of a life...nay, a generation changed by a Savior...it would be an agony.
I've tried, actually, to put the idea away. When I started releasing the words, James (who is now nine) was just a toddler. Tears poured as freely as the words flowing from my wounded soul. I relived every moment of the journey our family walked from brokenness to redemption, ashes to beauty, death to life, heartbreak to healing. And I continue to relive it every time I revisit the pages of our story.
At first, we were not ready to share our journey in such a public way. Life was busy, and my children needed me here. The wounds, although healed, were still tender...and for Tim possibly still gaping even years later. As God led us to begin Sufficient Grace and revealed the growing need to minister to grieving hearts, we took steps toward sharing parts of our journey.
I have quietly revisited the book project over the years, never sure if anyone would read it, and not even sure the reason I felt so driven to continue. I entered the blogging world, and found my people. People who also need to release their words...people with stories to tell. I can't tell you what a gift that has been, but if you're a blogger or a writer...I suppose I don't have to tell you.
I read a simple quote once in a magazine (maybe Writer's Digest). It said, "Writer's write." It doesn't matter what you write, or in what form...but you just do it. You just let the words flow onto the page.
The story I have in my heart to tell is the one that God has given me. It is really His story, woven into the tapestry of my life. The story that I've worked on over the course of about six years, is the most of Jesus and who He is that I have to give, as I've experienced His grace...and the most of my own heart. I have no delusions of grandeur. I know that I'm nobody famous, and it's likely that a traditional publisher will not ever take a glance at the pile of pages that share the biggest pieces of my heart. I know others have published their stories in the mean time, while mine has been waiting for the right season. At first, I wondered if that meant I should just give up on this project. But, their stories, while beautiful and serving a purpose were not exactly like my own. My story began long before some of the more recent ones, and I began writing it long before. It's a seed that was planted in my heart long ago. Should I put it away now just because someone else has shared their story?
It is mostly written...but not quite finished. I am tweaking it, little by little as time allows. Will you do me a favor? Will you pray for me as I finish the telling of this story? And, will you pray that the Lord will be the guide, that His purpose will prevail, that His story will be the one that is told?
I had so many dreams back then, about taking the stage...finding solace in playing the part. Quiet evenings, letting the words flow from my heart onto the pages of the books I would publish. I was all about peace and love then, enamored with the hippie philosophies of the sixties (even though I grew up in the 80s!). Maybe I would be a political journalist (and of course, perform on the New York stages of Broadway on the side). Maybe I would change the world with my words.
My political views are much different these days, and based on different passions. Now I pour my words out onto the computer screen and the buttons make a different sound. I do wear glasses, because my vision blurs after awhile. My face is not the glowing face of the idealistic young girl who dreamed of changing the world with her words. It is rather a face etched with a few hard-earned lines and a few extra pounds. My hair is not the flowing mane of brunette waves that reached past the middle of my once slender back. Instead, it is cropped at my shoulders and peppered with glimpses of white.
I dreamed of taking the stage, writing a book, falling in love, and having a bunch of babies. Some of that happened. But certainly not the way that I dreamed it. I stopped taking the stage of the theater after high school. I kept singing, though. Only the music changed...to songs of worship. I fell in love, and the babies came. I stopped writing for a long time. But the words never left. They just changed...like the music.
I started writing a book years ago, before I knew what a blog was. It wasn't the book I used to dream of writing. In fact, I never would have chosen the path that led to the story pouring from my heart. But, it was the story I was given. The one that I felt compelled to tell, even if just for myself. It's always been that way for me. When the words begin to flow, I can no more deny them than I could keep from breathing, for they come just as naturally. I don't say that as a boast, it is simply the way that God made me. The release of the words for me is like therapy, but even more so. My Writer-Chic friend, Monica, says it well in the header of her blog, "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you." Not telling the story of God's grace and healing, of the children of my heart who graced this earth for mere moments, but changed me for all eternity, the restoration of a marriage that shouldn't be, the glory of a life...nay, a generation changed by a Savior...it would be an agony.
I've tried, actually, to put the idea away. When I started releasing the words, James (who is now nine) was just a toddler. Tears poured as freely as the words flowing from my wounded soul. I relived every moment of the journey our family walked from brokenness to redemption, ashes to beauty, death to life, heartbreak to healing. And I continue to relive it every time I revisit the pages of our story.
At first, we were not ready to share our journey in such a public way. Life was busy, and my children needed me here. The wounds, although healed, were still tender...and for Tim possibly still gaping even years later. As God led us to begin Sufficient Grace and revealed the growing need to minister to grieving hearts, we took steps toward sharing parts of our journey.
I have quietly revisited the book project over the years, never sure if anyone would read it, and not even sure the reason I felt so driven to continue. I entered the blogging world, and found my people. People who also need to release their words...people with stories to tell. I can't tell you what a gift that has been, but if you're a blogger or a writer...I suppose I don't have to tell you.
I read a simple quote once in a magazine (maybe Writer's Digest). It said, "Writer's write." It doesn't matter what you write, or in what form...but you just do it. You just let the words flow onto the page.
The story I have in my heart to tell is the one that God has given me. It is really His story, woven into the tapestry of my life. The story that I've worked on over the course of about six years, is the most of Jesus and who He is that I have to give, as I've experienced His grace...and the most of my own heart. I have no delusions of grandeur. I know that I'm nobody famous, and it's likely that a traditional publisher will not ever take a glance at the pile of pages that share the biggest pieces of my heart. I know others have published their stories in the mean time, while mine has been waiting for the right season. At first, I wondered if that meant I should just give up on this project. But, their stories, while beautiful and serving a purpose were not exactly like my own. My story began long before some of the more recent ones, and I began writing it long before. It's a seed that was planted in my heart long ago. Should I put it away now just because someone else has shared their story?
It is mostly written...but not quite finished. I am tweaking it, little by little as time allows. Will you do me a favor? Will you pray for me as I finish the telling of this story? And, will you pray that the Lord will be the guide, that His purpose will prevail, that His story will be the one that is told?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Twelve Years in Heaven and a Sweet Release
(Thank you, Crystal, for remembering our sweet Thomas with the cupcake above!)
It has been twelve years since I held you in my arms, sweet Thomas...
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, so much I wish I could have done with the short time we were given...
I cannot believe how much a heart can ache for someone who was only here for nine months (in the womb) and six hours in my arms (part of the time, anyway)....
As you know, most of the time, I avoid the cemetery...you know I'd much rather think of you in heaven, where you truly are...safe in the arms of Jesus. The cemetery is a place I'd rather forget. It brings me no comfort.
And, yet...today, it seemed like we should go...
Sometimes years have passed without my feet stepping onto the sacred ground where countless tears have spilled...
But, today we went.
Today, I was surprised by the severity of the pain bubbling up between us, the ache of all that was missing swelling around our hearts as we held each other beside your grave...
Today, we remembered every part of what we are missing.
I meant to only celebrate your life, the gift and preciousness of you...
The promise of our forever reunion...
The hope we have in Jesus.
I meant for it to be a day like many others, full of light-hearted joy.
But it wasn't.
I've watched others do so many things to celebrate the lives of their babies...beautiful, wonderful, life-honoring things.
Things that I never did...
Some years we made a birthday cake, or cupcakes, or Ginny's cookies and quietly sang happy birthday. Our celebrations or remembrances were private...and we have always been protective of those sacred memories. Many years, we silently remembered or mentioned the day briefly. Of course we have never forgotten...we will never forget.
But, I never released balloons or anything grand and lovely.
Today, I decided it wasn't too late to honor every year that passed without a balloon release. So, I ordered twelve baby blue balloons for you, sweet boy...one for each year you have spent in heaven's glory.
We attached messages to you...birthday wishes...words of love...bible verses...
And, we sent them up toward heaven...along with the dreams in our hearts...
We all released balloons... but I won't be posting all the pictures...some things are still sacred and private.
Today was filled with memories, regrets, beauty from ashes, gratefulness, celebration of your life, and the comfort of the enduring love that carries this family...
Today was filled with sweet release...
As we watched the balloons floating up toward heaven, we remembered not only the beautiful boy we have been missing since you left our arms twelve years ago...but the love that came straight from heaven...the same love that will carry us home one day...the same love that carried you home twelve years ago...
The light of hope shone through the clouds...as it always does.
The hope of heaven...
The promise that we believe...even when we don't see...and we will keep on believing...and dreaming our dreams of you, until we see you and hold you again some sweet day...
Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29
We love you, Thomas! Happy Birthday...and thank you for the gift of you...
Monday, July 12, 2010
Birthdays, Memories and Missing
Today, it's my birthday...
Today, I welcome (not sure if welcome is the word...maybe "powerless to stop it" - haha) my mid-thirties.
Today, I was awakened with a memory of a birthday twelve years ago.
It was a Sunday morning, and I wore my favorite peach and white gingham maternity dress with the white daisies trimming the flattering empire waist. It was my birthday, and I wanted to look pretty as I readied myself for church. I rubbed my hand protectively over my full-term pregnant belly that was more like the size of my typical seven-month pregnant belly. I touched my tummy again as I sang the worship songs, aware that our time together was coming too quickly to an end.
I was scheduled to be induced on Monday morning (July 13th), and we would finally meet our Thomas face to face. Of course, I felt as if I knew him already. I had carried him within my womb, sung to him, prayed over him, and talked to him for nine sweet, heart-wrenching months, four of which I knew, that short of a miracle, I would be saying good-bye to my sweet boy on the day I met him. How I longed to look into his face, to hold him in my aching arms, arms that had been aching for his sisters since they went home to heaven less than two years before.
But, Sunday was my birthday, so Tim decided to celebrate by taking Timothy and I out to Pizza Hut. (Yep, we're fancy like that!) There were so many emotions going through my mind, weighing on my weary heart, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go anywhere. I tried to back out, not really feeling like celebrating. Tim, who isn't generally one for going out to eat (at all!), insisted that it was my birthday and we were going out! Looking back, that should have been a clue that something was up, but I was a little preoccupied, so it went unnoticed.
I didn't know what to wear, and became a little whiny, as I can sometimes get when it's hot and I'm pregnant and a thousand things are pulling on my fragile emotions. Tim told me that I should just wear what I had on...that my dress looked pretty. I shrugged, knowing that I was a little over-dressed for Pizza Hut, but too ambivalent to care.
He pulled into my friend Dinah's house, claiming he had to drop something off on our way. I shrugged again and followed him inside. Normally, I loved a visit to Dinah's house. She has the gift of hospitality, and can make anyone feel like a welcome old friend the minute they enter her lovely home. She has made her home a haven and always has something yummy to offer your taste buds, too...which helps, of course.
When we opened the door, several of my close friends were already gathered awaiting our arrival. SURPRISE! They had decided to throw me a surprise party...something I don't think has ever happened in my life before or since that day. It truly touched my heart, although I was suddenly a little embarrassed to be so over-dressed in my church clothes! My precious friends gathered together in one place to spend that day with us....what a sweet gift. Part of the time we talked a little about what was to come, and part of it, we spent laughing and steering clear of what was looming ahead. I can't remember everything...but I do remember the sweetness of that day, and the thoughtfulness of their gift...how precious it was to have them walk with us that day, and show such love on my birthday.
I was induced that Monday, and after a long, unpleasant labor our Thomas Patrick was born the next day...on July 14th.
I suppose birthdays are a good time for memories to wash over our hearts and fill our minds...
The other memories tugging at my heart this morning are those of my mother. For some reason, I miss my mom so desperately on my birthday every year since she passed...even more so than her own birthday. I suppose it's because no one loves you like your mom, or can make your birthday special like your mom. Even when I was a grown-up, mom always made sure I had a birthday cake...because, you know when you're the mom...no one else makes you a birthday cake. Except maybe your own mom! It was always chocolate. She loved to make birthdays and Christmas special...always wanted for the people in her life to know that they were loved and treasured.
I vaguely remember celebrating one of my birthdays at our favorite vacation spot, camping at the Mohican. Maybe it was my twelfth birthday...I'm not sure, but I do remember a really short haircut, some major pre-teen awkwardness, and some bright "jammers". That...and, of course, there was chocolate cake! We are planning a trip there as a family soon, and I can't wait. James has never been canoeing, and Timothy was there only once when he was much younger. Mom always loved it there, and somehow doing things she loved makes me feel closer to her.
Well...that's it. I'm entering my mid-thirties this morning with a mixture of missing those I love who are in heaven and gratefulness for those I love who are in my life on this earth, praising the God of my life whose love knows no bounds and whose grace covers all my longings. For as much as I am "missing" this morning, my heart and my cup still overflow with the blessings of a beautiful family, amazing friends, and precious memories...those that have already been made...and those yet to come. In all of it, my Father is faithful.
Who knows, before the day is done there may even be some chocolate cake...even if I have to make or...ahem...buy it myself!
---------
Please take some time this week to visit our new featured blogger on Walking With You, and show her some love. An encouraging comment means so much to a grieving heart. Thanks so much to those of you who visited last week's featured blogger.
Today, I welcome (not sure if welcome is the word...maybe "powerless to stop it" - haha) my mid-thirties.
Today, I was awakened with a memory of a birthday twelve years ago.
It was a Sunday morning, and I wore my favorite peach and white gingham maternity dress with the white daisies trimming the flattering empire waist. It was my birthday, and I wanted to look pretty as I readied myself for church. I rubbed my hand protectively over my full-term pregnant belly that was more like the size of my typical seven-month pregnant belly. I touched my tummy again as I sang the worship songs, aware that our time together was coming too quickly to an end.
I was scheduled to be induced on Monday morning (July 13th), and we would finally meet our Thomas face to face. Of course, I felt as if I knew him already. I had carried him within my womb, sung to him, prayed over him, and talked to him for nine sweet, heart-wrenching months, four of which I knew, that short of a miracle, I would be saying good-bye to my sweet boy on the day I met him. How I longed to look into his face, to hold him in my aching arms, arms that had been aching for his sisters since they went home to heaven less than two years before.
But, Sunday was my birthday, so Tim decided to celebrate by taking Timothy and I out to Pizza Hut. (Yep, we're fancy like that!) There were so many emotions going through my mind, weighing on my weary heart, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go anywhere. I tried to back out, not really feeling like celebrating. Tim, who isn't generally one for going out to eat (at all!), insisted that it was my birthday and we were going out! Looking back, that should have been a clue that something was up, but I was a little preoccupied, so it went unnoticed.
I didn't know what to wear, and became a little whiny, as I can sometimes get when it's hot and I'm pregnant and a thousand things are pulling on my fragile emotions. Tim told me that I should just wear what I had on...that my dress looked pretty. I shrugged, knowing that I was a little over-dressed for Pizza Hut, but too ambivalent to care.
He pulled into my friend Dinah's house, claiming he had to drop something off on our way. I shrugged again and followed him inside. Normally, I loved a visit to Dinah's house. She has the gift of hospitality, and can make anyone feel like a welcome old friend the minute they enter her lovely home. She has made her home a haven and always has something yummy to offer your taste buds, too...which helps, of course.
When we opened the door, several of my close friends were already gathered awaiting our arrival. SURPRISE! They had decided to throw me a surprise party...something I don't think has ever happened in my life before or since that day. It truly touched my heart, although I was suddenly a little embarrassed to be so over-dressed in my church clothes! My precious friends gathered together in one place to spend that day with us....what a sweet gift. Part of the time we talked a little about what was to come, and part of it, we spent laughing and steering clear of what was looming ahead. I can't remember everything...but I do remember the sweetness of that day, and the thoughtfulness of their gift...how precious it was to have them walk with us that day, and show such love on my birthday.
I was induced that Monday, and after a long, unpleasant labor our Thomas Patrick was born the next day...on July 14th.
I suppose birthdays are a good time for memories to wash over our hearts and fill our minds...
The other memories tugging at my heart this morning are those of my mother. For some reason, I miss my mom so desperately on my birthday every year since she passed...even more so than her own birthday. I suppose it's because no one loves you like your mom, or can make your birthday special like your mom. Even when I was a grown-up, mom always made sure I had a birthday cake...because, you know when you're the mom...no one else makes you a birthday cake. Except maybe your own mom! It was always chocolate. She loved to make birthdays and Christmas special...always wanted for the people in her life to know that they were loved and treasured.
I vaguely remember celebrating one of my birthdays at our favorite vacation spot, camping at the Mohican. Maybe it was my twelfth birthday...I'm not sure, but I do remember a really short haircut, some major pre-teen awkwardness, and some bright "jammers". That...and, of course, there was chocolate cake! We are planning a trip there as a family soon, and I can't wait. James has never been canoeing, and Timothy was there only once when he was much younger. Mom always loved it there, and somehow doing things she loved makes me feel closer to her.
Well...that's it. I'm entering my mid-thirties this morning with a mixture of missing those I love who are in heaven and gratefulness for those I love who are in my life on this earth, praising the God of my life whose love knows no bounds and whose grace covers all my longings. For as much as I am "missing" this morning, my heart and my cup still overflow with the blessings of a beautiful family, amazing friends, and precious memories...those that have already been made...and those yet to come. In all of it, my Father is faithful.
Who knows, before the day is done there may even be some chocolate cake...even if I have to make or...ahem...buy it myself!
---------
Please take some time this week to visit our new featured blogger on Walking With You, and show her some love. An encouraging comment means so much to a grieving heart. Thanks so much to those of you who visited last week's featured blogger.
Featuring Elena and her Lilly...
This week on Walking With You, we are featuring sweet Elena and her blog that tells the story of her Lilly Elizabeth.
Elena's words as she shares part of the story of Lilly's amazing life:
Our youngest daughter Lilly Elizabeth was diagnosed with anencephaly at 21 1/2 weeks in utero. This is her story. She was amazing and did amazing things in her six days 5 hours and 30 minutes of life. She cried when the Dr. pulled her out. She cried often, made noises when she was hungry and rooting, was peaceful, calm, and loved. She nursed!!! She lifted her head while laying on her stomach on daddy's chest. She gripped our fingers lots of times. She smiled. She opened her eyes. She responded to noise so we know she could hear. This blog will tell in detail of her story. Lilly met and was held by over 50 people..around 30 alone her first couple of hours being born. She was given 2 hours to 1 day after birth but she went above and beyond that without being hooked up to machines or being on medication. Her heart beat and respirations were always GREAT!!! She was always calm, peaceful, and happy. Amazed even the doctors at how well she was doing. She is our little miracle and our angel. Not many people get the chance to witness a miracle, we feel lucky and blessed to have been given that chance.
Her most recent post talks about those moments of missing that wash over us from time to time...and also contains one of my own favorite "sayings". Please visit and leave her word of encouragement.
This post shares the day when everything changed for this family. We all can relate to that day in our own journeys.
Read about some of the ways Lilly's family treasured this gift of time...
I hope you will take the time and read about Lilly and her sweet mom, Elena. Even if you only leave a comment on the most recent post, it will be an encouragement and a blessing to her. Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to visit last week's featured blogger, Kim. Please take some time to show love to Elena and keep her and her family in your prayers this week.
Elena's words as she shares part of the story of Lilly's amazing life:
Our youngest daughter Lilly Elizabeth was diagnosed with anencephaly at 21 1/2 weeks in utero. This is her story. She was amazing and did amazing things in her six days 5 hours and 30 minutes of life. She cried when the Dr. pulled her out. She cried often, made noises when she was hungry and rooting, was peaceful, calm, and loved. She nursed!!! She lifted her head while laying on her stomach on daddy's chest. She gripped our fingers lots of times. She smiled. She opened her eyes. She responded to noise so we know she could hear. This blog will tell in detail of her story. Lilly met and was held by over 50 people..around 30 alone her first couple of hours being born. She was given 2 hours to 1 day after birth but she went above and beyond that without being hooked up to machines or being on medication. Her heart beat and respirations were always GREAT!!! She was always calm, peaceful, and happy. Amazed even the doctors at how well she was doing. She is our little miracle and our angel. Not many people get the chance to witness a miracle, we feel lucky and blessed to have been given that chance.
Her most recent post talks about those moments of missing that wash over us from time to time...and also contains one of my own favorite "sayings". Please visit and leave her word of encouragement.
This post shares the day when everything changed for this family. We all can relate to that day in our own journeys.
Read about some of the ways Lilly's family treasured this gift of time...
I hope you will take the time and read about Lilly and her sweet mom, Elena. Even if you only leave a comment on the most recent post, it will be an encouragement and a blessing to her. Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to visit last week's featured blogger, Kim. Please take some time to show love to Elena and keep her and her family in your prayers this week.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Favorite Bible Verses
This week at Kelly's Korner, bloggers are sharing favorite bible verses. I have been thinking about that this morning, and feel compelled to take part...only I cannot choose just one. There are several, and even this list will not cover them all. The wonderful thing about the Word of God is that it is living...Holy Spirit-breathed truth that is always able to speak to a seeking heart in every circumstance. Sometimes the same verse can speak to you in a different way at a different time.
Some of my favorite verses over the course of my life-journey so far...
Love this promise that reminds me over and over again of the new life I've been given in Jesus...
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. ~ 2 Corinth. 5:17
This verse is the one from which we chose the names for our sweet Faith and Grace. Over the years, this verse has spoken to me so many times...reminding me of the gift of grace I have been given...reminding me that there is nothing I can do to earn this precious gift...reminding me that even the works that we do, He has prepared for us in advance, that He created us with a purpose in mind for His glory...
For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10
Thomas' verse...sweet Thomas, how your life taught us about believing without seeing:
Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer...and many other moments of my life, when I needed to remember to look at the unseen promises of eternity...
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. ~ 2 Corinth. 16-18
The promise God whispered to my heart over and over again as my mother's time on this earth was passing quickly...the same promise that inspired the name of our band, One Way...the same promise I have clung to many questioning nights...
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions;[a] if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And where I go you know, and the way you know.”
5 Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
~ John 14:1-6
Another promise for my mother...and for me...
Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
~Isaiah 46:4
It's no secret this verse means a lot to me...oh, how we have experienced His sufficient grace in our lives...
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
And, this one, which our ministry is based upon...
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ~ 2 Corinth. 1:3-4
When life gets tough...when the waters rise...
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a
Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19
There are so many more, of course, but these are just a few that are especially dear to me. What are some of your favorite verses?
Have a wonderful Friday...and thanks so much for stopping by!
Some of my favorite verses over the course of my life-journey so far...
Love this promise that reminds me over and over again of the new life I've been given in Jesus...
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. ~ 2 Corinth. 5:17
This verse is the one from which we chose the names for our sweet Faith and Grace. Over the years, this verse has spoken to me so many times...reminding me of the gift of grace I have been given...reminding me that there is nothing I can do to earn this precious gift...reminding me that even the works that we do, He has prepared for us in advance, that He created us with a purpose in mind for His glory...
For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10
Thomas' verse...sweet Thomas, how your life taught us about believing without seeing:
Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer...and many other moments of my life, when I needed to remember to look at the unseen promises of eternity...
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. ~ 2 Corinth. 16-18
The promise God whispered to my heart over and over again as my mother's time on this earth was passing quickly...the same promise that inspired the name of our band, One Way...the same promise I have clung to many questioning nights...
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions;[a] if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And where I go you know, and the way you know.”
5 Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
~ John 14:1-6
Another promise for my mother...and for me...
Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
~Isaiah 46:4
It's no secret this verse means a lot to me...oh, how we have experienced His sufficient grace in our lives...
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
And, this one, which our ministry is based upon...
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ~ 2 Corinth. 1:3-4
When life gets tough...when the waters rise...
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a
Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19
There are so many more, of course, but these are just a few that are especially dear to me. What are some of your favorite verses?
Have a wonderful Friday...and thanks so much for stopping by!
Monday, July 5, 2010
BBQ Sauce Winner ~ Our First Walking With You Featured Blogger
*Updated: I'm not sure why comments are not showing up on my blogs right now, but I am getting them through email notification! Strange!
Please take a few minutes to visit the Walking With You Blog and read about this week's featured blogger. While I know I do not have a plethora of readers, it would be so nice if many of you would leave a word of encouragement for this sweet mama...whether you are a mother who has experienced a loss or not, you are welcome to offer your support. Also, if you are a grieving parent who would like to have your blog featured, please visit this post for details.
And...because I know you are just on the edge of your seats (hee-hee)...
The winner of the best BBQ sauce known to mankind is...
My sweet blog-friend (even though she is a stinky Steelers fan!)...
September!
Yay!!! September...I may already have your address, but will you email it to me again?
Please take a few minutes to visit the Walking With You Blog and read about this week's featured blogger. While I know I do not have a plethora of readers, it would be so nice if many of you would leave a word of encouragement for this sweet mama...whether you are a mother who has experienced a loss or not, you are welcome to offer your support. Also, if you are a grieving parent who would like to have your blog featured, please visit this post for details.
And...because I know you are just on the edge of your seats (hee-hee)...
The winner of the best BBQ sauce known to mankind is...
My sweet blog-friend (even though she is a stinky Steelers fan!)...
September!
Yay!!! September...I may already have your address, but will you email it to me again?
Meet Kim ~ Kristen's Mommy, and Show Her Some Love
Our first featured blogger on Walking With You is Kim from Peace of My Heart. Kim's sweet baby girl, Kristen, was born last May and spent three precious months with her lovely family. She went home to heaven after complications from a lung surgery to remove a mass of tissue.
Kim has several beautiful posts that share her family's journey and pieces of her own beautiful heart and her faith as she walks this path. Here are just a few...
Kim's most recent post shows a picture of grief in marriage. Take a minute to read and leave a comment, letting her know you are there.
Learn more about Kristen here.
The Bear Project...beauty born from the ashes of sorrow...Kim's labor of love, offering a gift of comfort from one mommy to another.
I loved this post of Kim's called Better Than a Miracle. This post addresses what happens when we don't get the answer we were praying for in such an encouraging way. Another way to think about miracles...and a way that God has spoken to my own heart before. I love the way He revealed this to her.
This Christmas letter post has some great advice for those wishing to offer support to someone who has had a loss.
There are so many more wonderful posts, and truthfully, I'm just getting to know Kim, myself as I read through her lovely blog. I hope you will take the time to visit and comment on some of these posts and/or others that speak to your heart sometime throughout this week. Even if you just have time to visit her most recent post and leave a comment of encouragement...that would be wonderful. Please also take the time to pray for Kim and her family this week.
Whether you are a grieving mom or just someone who wishes to offer comfort and hope, you are welcome to participate. I know that I do not have a "large" audience, but it would be so nice to see each featured blogger flooded with words of hope, encouragement, and love as we let each other know that we are not walking alone. If you would like your blog to be featured, please visit this post for details. We want to allow everyone a chance to tell their stories...the stories of their precious children. I hope you will join us, and I thank you in advance for taking the time to do this. You have no idea how much just taking a moment to leave a heartfelt comment can encourage a grieving heart.
Love to all...
Kim has several beautiful posts that share her family's journey and pieces of her own beautiful heart and her faith as she walks this path. Here are just a few...
Kim's most recent post shows a picture of grief in marriage. Take a minute to read and leave a comment, letting her know you are there.
Learn more about Kristen here.
The Bear Project...beauty born from the ashes of sorrow...Kim's labor of love, offering a gift of comfort from one mommy to another.
I loved this post of Kim's called Better Than a Miracle. This post addresses what happens when we don't get the answer we were praying for in such an encouraging way. Another way to think about miracles...and a way that God has spoken to my own heart before. I love the way He revealed this to her.
This Christmas letter post has some great advice for those wishing to offer support to someone who has had a loss.
There are so many more wonderful posts, and truthfully, I'm just getting to know Kim, myself as I read through her lovely blog. I hope you will take the time to visit and comment on some of these posts and/or others that speak to your heart sometime throughout this week. Even if you just have time to visit her most recent post and leave a comment of encouragement...that would be wonderful. Please also take the time to pray for Kim and her family this week.
Whether you are a grieving mom or just someone who wishes to offer comfort and hope, you are welcome to participate. I know that I do not have a "large" audience, but it would be so nice to see each featured blogger flooded with words of hope, encouragement, and love as we let each other know that we are not walking alone. If you would like your blog to be featured, please visit this post for details. We want to allow everyone a chance to tell their stories...the stories of their precious children. I hope you will join us, and I thank you in advance for taking the time to do this. You have no idea how much just taking a moment to leave a heartfelt comment can encourage a grieving heart.
Love to all...
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