Birthdays, Memories and Missing

Today, it's my birthday...

Today, I welcome (not sure if welcome is the word...maybe "powerless to stop it" - haha) my mid-thirties.

Today, I was awakened with a memory of a birthday twelve years ago.

It was a Sunday morning, and I wore my favorite peach and white gingham maternity dress with the white daisies trimming the flattering empire waist. It was my birthday, and I wanted to look pretty as I readied myself for church. I rubbed my hand protectively over my full-term pregnant belly that was more like the size of my typical seven-month pregnant belly. I touched my tummy again as I sang the worship songs, aware that our time together was coming too quickly to an end.

I was scheduled to be induced on Monday morning (July 13th), and we would finally meet our Thomas face to face. Of course, I felt as if I knew him already. I had carried him within my womb, sung to him, prayed over him, and talked to him for nine sweet, heart-wrenching months, four of which I knew, that short of a miracle, I would be saying good-bye to my sweet boy on the day I met him. How I longed to look into his face, to hold him in my aching arms, arms that had been aching for his sisters since they went home to heaven less than two years before.

But, Sunday was my birthday, so Tim decided to celebrate by taking Timothy and I out to Pizza Hut. (Yep, we're fancy like that!) There were so many emotions going through my mind, weighing on my weary heart, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go anywhere. I tried to back out, not really feeling like celebrating. Tim, who isn't generally one for going out to eat (at all!), insisted that it was my birthday and we were going out! Looking back, that should have been a clue that something was up, but I was a little preoccupied, so it went unnoticed.

I didn't know what to wear, and became a little whiny, as I can sometimes get when it's hot and I'm pregnant and a thousand things are pulling on my fragile emotions. Tim told me that I should just wear what I had on...that my dress looked pretty. I shrugged, knowing that I was a little over-dressed for Pizza Hut, but too ambivalent to care.

He pulled into my friend Dinah's house, claiming he had to drop something off on our way. I shrugged again and followed him inside. Normally, I loved a visit to Dinah's house. She has the gift of hospitality, and can make anyone feel like a welcome old friend the minute they enter her lovely home. She has made her home a haven and always has something yummy to offer your taste buds, too...which helps, of course.

When we opened the door, several of my close friends were already gathered awaiting our arrival. SURPRISE! They had decided to throw me a surprise party...something I don't think has ever happened in my life before or since that day. It truly touched my heart, although I was suddenly a little embarrassed to be so over-dressed in my church clothes! My precious friends gathered together in one place to spend that day with us....what a sweet gift. Part of the time we talked a little about what was to come, and part of it, we spent laughing and steering clear of what was looming ahead. I can't remember everything...but I do remember the sweetness of that day, and the thoughtfulness of their gift...how precious it was to have them walk with us that day, and show such love on my birthday.

I was induced that Monday, and after a long, unpleasant labor our Thomas Patrick was born the next day...on July 14th.

I suppose birthdays are a good time for memories to wash over our hearts and fill our minds...

The other memories tugging at my heart this morning are those of my mother. For some reason, I miss my mom so desperately on my birthday every year since she passed...even more so than her own birthday. I suppose it's because no one loves you like your mom, or can make your birthday special like your mom. Even when I was a grown-up, mom always made sure I had a birthday cake...because, you know when you're the mom...no one else makes you a birthday cake. Except maybe your own mom! It was always chocolate. She loved to make birthdays and Christmas special...always wanted for the people in her life to know that they were loved and treasured.

I vaguely remember celebrating one of my birthdays at our favorite vacation spot, camping at the Mohican. Maybe it was my twelfth birthday...I'm not sure, but I do remember a really short haircut, some major pre-teen awkwardness, and some bright "jammers". That...and, of course, there was chocolate cake! We are planning a trip there as a family soon, and I can't wait. James has never been canoeing, and Timothy was there only once when he was much younger. Mom always loved it there, and somehow doing things she loved makes me feel closer to her.

Well...that's it. I'm entering my mid-thirties this morning with a mixture of missing those I love who are in heaven and gratefulness for those I love who are in my life on this earth, praising the God of my life whose love knows no bounds and whose grace covers all my longings. For as much as I am "missing" this morning, my heart and my cup still overflow with the blessings of a beautiful family, amazing friends, and precious memories...those that have already been made...and those yet to come. In all of it, my Father is faithful.

Who knows, before the day is done there may even be some chocolate cake...even if I have to make or...ahem...buy it myself!

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