The Choices we Make
by Kelly Gerken
Originally printed in The Women's Edge Winter 2005 Newsletter...Copyright 2005
My Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer about two months ago. She has been struggling with several other health conditions for the past ten years prior to the cancer diagnosis, which have changed her physically from an energetic, strong woman to one who seems fragile and physically weak. I have felt anger at her illnesses, anger at her, myself, frustration, sorrow at the injustice... at what we have been robbed of, and I have inspiration and gratefulness. I am inspired by her courage, her love for her family, her resolve, and her deepened faith in God. I am grateful for the healing that suffering brings to our hearts, for the comfort of our loving Savior, for the time that we so often take for granted, but are learning to treasure instead of squander. I'm grateful for the laughter and the tears, for the lessons we couldn't learn any other way, and for the mother she has been and will always be.
This Christmas, I helped put up her Christmas tree, because she was too sick to do it. She has always been so crafty and creative, and every year, she would add some homemade ornaments to the tree. I am the oldest daughter. so I have been around for every year of the tradition. It was so special to take out each box and smile and laugh as we remembered together when she made each one. There were also the creations from my brothers and I when we were in preschool and grade school. The tree told a story of our family, and our life. It made me think how our lives tell our story.
The truth is that we can't take anything with us to heaven...not our things which we may treasure, not money, success, status or popularity, not even identity. The only thing we can take to heaven with us is other people. The people who come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior from watching our lives. That doesn't mean we have to always be perfect. My mother isn't and neither am I . That does mean that we let our light shine so that others will see and God will be glorified. It is only the Holy Spirit which can change hearts, but God uses His children as His tangible example. We are covered in His grace.
Everyday we have a choice about how we will live. Do we live in a way that offers comfort and hope to others? My mother and I have a favorite song "I Hope You Dance" which talks about these choices. One part says, "Whenever you have the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance." Mom can't physically dance much these days, but she dances in her heart. And some sweet day she will dance in heaven.
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He Will Carry You...
By Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Fall/Winter 2006
Even to your old age, I am He. And even to gray hairs I will carry you!I have made, and I will bear;Even I will carry and deliver you.~ Isaiah 46:4
Beginning in September, my mother's fourteen month long battle with terminal cancer grew quite intense. She was hospitalized twice during the month of September. She spent her 50th birthday at the hospital on September 3, 2006. We celebrated with my famous peanut butter pie! On September 25th, she was admitted to the Hospice Center of Northwest Ohio located in Perrysburg, which became my home for much of the next four weeks.
Her struggle was great. Doctors and nurses gave her a couple days to live when she was first admitted. However, a month after that prediction, the terrible suffering continued on. She did it with the grace and dignity with which she lived...as a true lady. When she was able to speak, she expressed only concern for those around her, despite her own horrible condition. She knew she was dying, and she had complete peace that she would be in Heaven when her earthly body quit...and yet, like the fighter she was, she continued to wake up each morning despite the fact that she hadn't eaten more than a handful of food over the course of six weeks. She had little to drink most days, except the drops of water we could place on her tongue, or the occasional drinks from a straw when she mustered enough strength to swallow. ( Except, of course, for the legendary night that she awakened after several days of unconsciousness and slipping further away from us to ask for Red Lobster. We granted her request to "Go for the gusto" as she put it and order her shrimp feast!) She continued to display her wit, humor, and spunk. She was determined and unique...surprising everyone with her will to survive until the very last breath...doing it her way. Every nurse fell in love with her, just like almost anyone who ever knew her.
We had made a promise to her long ago, that we would never leave her in a nursing home. Although the spectacular Hospice facility was nothing like a nursing home, we agreed as a family that we couldn't leave her there alone. So, we stayed with her. Family members took turns staying the night. And other family and close friends visited her during the day. She was surrounded by people who loved her. When one of us had to leave for a while...someone else was always there. And I am so grateful for that time.
The moments we shared were not only among the most difficult, but also the most precious of my life. She was an amazing woman, and I spent most of her life missing that...taking her for granted. But, the last year has been such a gift that taught me about true healing, forgiveness, grace and love. Not everyone gets the time to make things right. She realized that God had given her the time not only to say everything she wanted, but also to see what she meant to other people...to realize how much her life mattered to those around her. She saw her situation as a blessing. It would have been understandable if she were bitter about the news that her body was filled with cancer, and that cancer would do it's best to steal her health, her body, and her very life. Not mom. She found the blessing, and in doing so she was the finest example to her family...a true mother until the end, teaching, inspiring, encouraging, giving wisdom, and loving fiercely. She is the most inspiring person I know.
During some of the darker moments she faced last month, I was able to read the bible to her, pray with her, sing to her, hold her in my arms, and hold her hand. One of the best scriptures God kept bringing me back to was John 14:1-6, in which Jesus says He goes to prepare a place for us. When Thomas asks Jesus where He is going and how to get there, Jesus replies in verse 6 " I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." Even as she lay seemingly helpless, literally on her death bed, she was pointing us toward Jesus...without a word. His presence was evident, as He carried her and He carried us through the darkness.
One day I said, "It will be O.K. mom...Jesus will carry you to Heaven."
She said, "How do you know He will carry me?"
I said, "Because He promises never to leave us or forsake us, and Jesus always keeps His promises."
She said, " How do you know He keeps His promises?"
I replied, "Because He was there when my baby died. I couldn't see Him, but I could feel Him take baby Thomas and carry him home, and then I could feel Him carry me through my grief when I couldn't carry myself. That's how I know He will carry you."
She looked into my eyes, and holding my hand, repeated over and over again..."He will carry me, He will carry me, He will carry me..."
I nodded, "Yes, Mom, He will carry you."
Later that evening, she fell asleep, and four days later, Jesus carried her home, just like He promised He would. And, now, while I can't carry myself, He is carrying me and the rest of us who face the challenge of waking up each day on this earth without her.
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I Hope You Dance
by Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Summer 2007
As I was going through her treasures...the sentimental little pieces of us we mothers cherish and leave behind for our daughters...her tea sets, her little doilies, the recipes on scraps of paper with her handwriting on them...I came across a little gift book I had given her based on the famous song, I Hope You Dance. The inscription read, To: Mom, From: Kelly...Because you inspire me to always dance, and I hope you remember to always do the same. I bit back the tears as the familiar ache of emptiness washed over me. In spite of the pain of missing her, I smiled at the memory and the thought of her dancing in heaven, without any pain, twirling her grandbabies and delighting in the music of their deep belly giggles.
I flipped through the pages of the book, reading the lyrics and allowing the message to renew my hope. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance; And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I hope you dance. I remembered the first time I heard this powerful song, at the same time the Lord was working in me to remove my fears and hesitations...to teach me to embrace the life He's given me and to walk confidently with Him. God taught me to see the beauty in the new creation that He was making in me, and when life presented opportunity to boldly embrace it rather than sitting it out. Whenever possible, God spoke to my heart, "I want you to dance".
I began to approach life this way and fears and insecurities were replaced with confidence, victory, joy and adventure. As my mother's earthly life was fleeting and her health deteriorated due to cancer and other debilitating illnesses, God showed her the beauty in the new creation He was making in her. While she was learning to dance, He took her home to Heaven, where I know they are perfecting her dance in the place Jesus prepared especially for her. And while I am here, God continues to teach me to dance as well.
Recently I stood at the Relay for Life, where a special six-year-old friend of mine was being honored for his victory over cancer. The event was emotional and bittersweet as I looked at the multitude of survivors along the walk on a path surrounded with luminarias displaying the countless names of those whose lives were taken by cancer.
Part of me wanted desperately to sit this one out. I struggled to shake the ache of loss and grief threatening to cloud my friend's sunny victorious day. While battling to keep my emotions in check, the boy we were there to honor walked boldly to the stage with his smile lighting the darkness in my heart and illuminating the entire place. I smiled through my tears as he played gleefully with his friends, who were bouncing around his wheelchair and making him squeal with joy.
Suddenly he looked around the children and said, " Hey Mrs. Gerken...How 'bout we dance?"
Little did this precious soul know the comfort his invitation had given me. Surrounded by those who had fought cancer's battle and won, some bruised and battered and scarred and surrounded with the memory of those who lost the great battle and those who were left behind bruised and broken and scarred without the ones they love, I took his hand...and we danced.
It was as if God was speaking through this little boy to say, " I see you there, Kelly. And you are not alone. I see you standing there in the middle of all that cancer feeling death's sting. And I want you to dance. After all, how can one dwell on the pain of death's sting when surrounded by so much life?" We threw our heads back laughing and dancing remembering the promise that no matter how dark and painful this life gets there's always the opportunity to dance if we choose to take it.
So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory.""O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?"~I Corinthians 15:54-55
To me this world is a better place because she walks on it,
And if someday I wake to find she walks instead by Jesus' side,
The void will be great and the world won't be the same,
But walk on I will because of His holy name.
And with me, part of her will always be,
Because she is my Mother.
~Taken from My Mother, a poem written April 8, 2004 by Kelly Gerken in honor of her mother: Kathy Louise Rutter
In Loving Memory of:
Kathy Louise Rutter
September 3, 1956~ October 20, 2006
18 comments:
Beautiful tribute to your mom. Thanks for sharing her incredible story...
Your words are a beautiful tribute to your mother. I look forward to meeting her one day. I had a choice to make this very morning - to dance or to sit it out - I was wavering until I read your post. i've decided to dance- just hope God will teach me the steps because I haven't a clue!
What a beautiful blog! I can't believe that I have not found you before this. What a wonderful thing you are doing. I had 5 miscarriages, and I wish I would have known about your ministry then.
Beautiful tribute to your mom. :)
I have a feeling that your mom is looking down from heaven with a huge smile on her face. I bet she is so proud of the woman that you are, and to watch you keep dancing even though it can be the hardest thing to do at times. The way that you wrote about her was so honoring.
I am still going throughout my days "playing" the waiting game, until Friday for my next ultrasound. When I came across Isaiah 46:4 in your post today, it gave me strenghth all over again.
Thank You for the time that you put into these posts that help so many hurting women. It is a comfort for me to have somewhere to go, knowing that there are people here walking with me through my sorrows.
Thank your for sharing such a beautiful post.
Oh Kelly, tears fill my eyes from your beautiful post. When I got to the part about the little boy asking you to dance, I got chills. God never ceases to amaze me with the ways that he chooses to speak to us. I lost my Mom too, and I completely understand the emptiness that comes from going through that. It has been 4 years, and I am just now learning to dance again. Your post spoke to me and I think it was just what God wanted me to hear today. I have been trying so hard these past few weeks to learn to not lean on my fear and to instead lean on Him. I think your post is Him telling me that it's okay to dance, it's okay to live again, it's okay to go on. Thank you so much!
So absolutely beautiful!
Kelly,
That's a beautiful tribute to your Mom. I loved her so much and I only knew her for a little while. You made me cry.
Chris and I are going to be doing a trivia night for Relay for Life this Friday and we'll be getting a luminary in her memory again this year.
Mary
What a beautiful post. I cried while reading your tribute to your mum. I will look forward to meeting her in heaven.
That is a lovely tribute to your mom. Very touching. Thanks for sharing.
that was beautiful!
Oh Kelly, that was so beautiful. Each word was so full of love and admiration for your momma. Each article you wrote shared a hope and inspiration to cherish those we love and be right by their side during difficult times.
I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your momma - and while she was only 50. I'm happy for your momma though - that she's in the presence of our Almighty God and Savior and that she's living with her grandbabies. That must bring you such joy knowing that they are all there together.
Thanks for sharing your heart today. You made me love your mom. By the time I got to the end, I felt like I lost somebody I loved and admired.
Tenderly,
Lynnette
That was SO beautiful Kelly. The tears started flowing early on. You have been through so much. What a wonderful tribute to your mother.
Kelly, this was all so beautifully written straight from a heart of love!
Losing a mother to cancer is tough. I lost my Mother-in-law last year and reading this brought back all of the memories.
She was a dear English woman and a true lady to the very end. All of the hospice ladies loved her too.
She was my mom-in-law for more than 30 years yet we were never closer than the last few years while we helped her care for dad when he was dying, and then while we cared for her with her illness.
Like you, I didn't want her to die alone (without family there),and only hospice helpers, so while everyone in the family had to work everyday and just dropped in when they could, my husband and I being retired, just stayed with her 24/7 there at the end so that she would not die alone. I would crawl up into the bed with her and stroke her face and tell her how much I loved her. I would pray for her and play soft Christian music. I would hold her hand and kiss it, and I loved being able to be close to her.
My own mom has been with Jesus for more than 20 years and hardly a day goes by that I do not think of her. She was a wonderful mother.
I am glad that we will see them again in heaven. All of them have grandchildren who have gone before, so they will all welcome us and that will be pure joy!
Yes, there is beauty in God's sufficient grace!
Love you,
Linda
How beautiful. As I read your touching words I envisioned my grandmother dancing around Heaven and my heart was happy. Thank you for sharing of yourself.
Oh, the tears are falling....for you and for me and for our mothers. They are both dancing and smiling and happy and whole and so very, very missed. My mama went home 4 years ago and I miss her every day. She chose to go with grace and love and acceptance and all she wanted was to go to heaven to see her mother and her father, her little sister and her husband, my dad. She told us she would be just fine, and that we had to go on....."Life goes on" and it does, but the path is a little darker without her. And with your permissing and understanding, one girl to another, I paraphrase your writing, just for me....."To me this world is a better place because she walked on it, And one day I woke to find she walked instead by Jesus' side,
The void is great and the world won't be the same,
But walk on I will because of His holy name.
And with me, part of her will always be,
Because she is my Mother.
The night she passed away, I opened her bible and it fell to the verses in Proverbs..."If you can find a good woman, she is worth far more than jewels.....". The minister also read about about how weeping would last for the night but joy comes in the morning". I got a call at 4 a.m. My sister said, "Remember the verses about how joy comes in the morning? Mama went home".
Thank you for your beautiful words and tribute to your mom and to mine. Carol
This was so very touching. A sacred place to stop on my busy Wednesday. Thank you, Kelly, for the gift of your words and memories of your mom. I noticed she was one year older than I am. Much too young to die...and yet now she is ageless! Blessings to you and yours.
Kelly,
What a beautiful tribute to your mother... and a beautiful testimony of the power of Christ to carry us through the hardest and toughest times of our lives, and of the fact that He cares about our hurts... how precious that He had that little boy ask you to dance, that just melts my heart!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
Blessings!
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