With Songs of Joy... (and a giveaway!)

CONTEST IS OVER...A WINNER WAS CHOSEN...THANKS FOR YOUR PARTICIPTATION!!
In a couple weeks, we will be celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary. So, on this Wednesdays Walk, I thought it might be fitting to share a little about the man I walk through this life with, and the God who has carried us both through the storms and sunshine...



When I was a teenager, most of the time I wished I was someone else. It's why when I took the stage to sing a solo, I would shake and quiver. My throat would swell and dry up. The music wouldn't come out. Instead I choked and sputtered. Sure, I could sing...but when standing in the spotlight with just me up there, I froze...crippled with the fear of failure, certain I didn't measure up. But, if I were in a musical...playing a part, hiding behind a character, covered in a costume...I could sing like a bird. If I was pretending to be someone else, I was free. The only other time I could sing without the paralyzing fear, was in church. I suppose because then, it was less about me and more about Jesus. If the focus were on me, I would crumble and falter. It's still that way, when I take the stage...unless the focus is on who He is and not on my ability (or inability) to perform.

My senior year in high school, I started seeing Tim. And for the first time in my life, I didn't need to try to be someone else. I was enough...he loved me, just the way I was. We were young and full of imperfections, but he made me laugh from the start...and he still does.

Due to a series of life-changing events and choices, we became parents at the tender age of eighteen. I learned how God can make something beautiful, even from our sins and the promise that He doesn't waste anything that happens in our lives. We were married and lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I wore a pants suit from Maurices (The picture shown above was taken at a vow renewal ceremony for our 10th anniversary. I finally got my dress!). We had supper at Morrow's - our favorite pizza hangout. Later, there was a little reception in his aunt's basement and we danced to "Sparrows in a Hurricane". Tim was still in high school when we were married, and I had just graduated. This is not something I share lightly, and for many years, I wouldn't share it. I share this now, because it is a testimony to how big our God is. I share this because someone may be reading...feeling hopeless and broken... wondering how we came to this place. It was a long, rocky road. And, by the world's standards, we shouldn't be here together, with our family in tact. Every statistic would tell you otherwise. And, while I am not advocating starting the way we did...I hope instead to point you to the God who can make beauty from ashes, who can forgive, heal, and restore. The God Who has a plan for our lives.

Which brings me to the reason we're still standing...One day, I cried out to the Lord in desperation. I was overwhelmed with the tasks of being a young wife and mother, and I knew I needed His help. I gave my life to Jesus that day in my little one bedroom apartment as Timothy bounced in the crib, without a care. And, when I stood up, I was a new creation. I read my bible, went to church, and learned to be the wife God intended me to be. For many years I went to church alone. During those years, I prayed and learned what it means to love and honor your husband...the kind of love that isn't about my own wants and needs, but the needs of others. I studied Corinthians 13. We built our house, built our life, worked hard, and enjoyed our little family.

You've probably read what happened next. If not click here. Refining fire. In the furnace, on our knees, broken, desperate, grieving-parent fire. We walked through two difficult pregnancies...and when I say difficult...I mean my life was threatened. And the lives of our three babies on this earth ended way too soon. That's a lot for a young husband and wife. A lot for a little four-year-old boy. A lot for anyone. Still, not too much for our God. More statistics pointing toward a broken marriage. Bigger God, with a different plan.

After that, we struggled. God worked to heal our sorrow and we still laughed even through our pain. Tim has always been able to make me laugh, even in impossible circumstances. We were just about to get back on our feet, feeling restored, when I unexpectedly conceived again. This was a little too much for our weathered marriage.

Consumed with fear, grief, and other raging emotions, Tim pulled away. And, while I was determined to hope, he couldn't hope anymore. It hurt too much. Too much to watch his wife vomit every hour and spend time in the hospital. Too much to possibly hear the ugly words "incompatible with life"...to helplessly watch another baby die. To not be able to comfort a grieving wife. Too much.

This would be a good time for me to say that we respected each other's need to grieve differently all through the losses and grief. He was with me, and a comfort. We grieved together..but some things I needed to do or talk about that would have brought him more pain. So, I was careful to respect that. And, he understood my need to share about our children. I had a close friend who walked through this with us and allowed me to talk about the babies long after others grew tired of listening.

And...for this pregnancy, I needed to hope. I did hope...through bleeding early on in pregnancy. Through a 50/50 chance diagnosis. Through ultrasounds and appointments. I hoped and prayed. And, our marriage seemed to unravel. God whispered to my heart..."Remain, abide with Me, love him." I waited, I kept abiding, and by His grace, I loved him. In that time of waiting on the Lord, I learned, even more, how to love this beautiful man.

We were hanging on by a thread, when our James was miraculously born...alive. We heard his cry in disbelief. We brought him home with euphoric joy. Timothy had his brother. And, our thread grew stronger with each passing day. Forgiveness. Restoration. A God who is bigger than the brokenness.

More restoration, a renewed commitment, years of healing...a growing, miraculous love. The feeling of family I have never known before. He is my home...this man with calloused hands, who works so hard to support this family. This man whose arms have held me in joy and sorrow. This man who has rejoiced over and grieved for his children. This man who I love with all my heart.

Today, (and for several years now) we go to church together. We are still far from perfect, but we are covered in God's grace. Those calloused hands folded in prayer make our family complete in the church pew on Sunday mornings. We make worship music together. We share in ministry together. We walk through this life, together. And, we still laugh hysterically...together. The gift of this marriage...this restored family has done more to grow my faith in the restoring power of my God than anything I have witnessed in this walk so far. It is one of the greatest gifts. And I cherish it...knowing that it is by His grace only that we are standing together today.

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy... ~ Psalm 126

* OUR FIRST GIVEAWAY!! In honor of our fifteenth anniversary coming up this month, I would like to give away the movie Fireproof and the book Love Dare. We did watch the movie I'm giving away (only once). I pray that you are encouraged to persevere in your marriage. To be entered into the giveaway...just leave a comment here. I will choose a winner this Saturday, March 14th. If you don't wish to be entered into the contest, you can still comment...just say "Leave me out of the drawing." Happy Wednesday Walking!