Writer's Write

When I was in Jr. High...or maybe High School, my mother bought me a type writer so that I could have a place to pour out all of my words. I loved the clickety clack of the keys as they pressed each letter onto the clean white paper. I remember wishing I had glasses so that I would look more the part of a writer. As an actress in high school theater productions, looking the part was very important.

I had so many dreams back then, about taking the stage...finding solace in playing the part. Quiet evenings, letting the words flow from my heart onto the pages of the books I would publish. I was all about peace and love then, enamored with the hippie philosophies of the sixties (even though I grew up in the 80s!). Maybe I would be a political journalist (and of course, perform on the New York stages of Broadway on the side). Maybe I would change the world with my words.

My political views are much different these days, and based on different passions. Now I pour my words out onto the computer screen and the buttons make a different sound. I do wear glasses, because my vision blurs after awhile. My face is not the glowing face of the idealistic young girl who dreamed of changing the world with her words. It is rather a face etched with a few hard-earned lines and a few extra pounds. My hair is not the flowing mane of brunette waves that reached past the middle of my once slender back. Instead, it is cropped at my shoulders and peppered with glimpses of white.

I dreamed of taking the stage, writing a book, falling in love, and having a bunch of babies. Some of that happened. But certainly not the way that I dreamed it. I stopped taking the stage of the theater after high school. I kept singing, though. Only the music changed...to songs of worship. I fell in love, and the babies came. I stopped writing for a long time. But the words never left. They just changed...like the music.

I started writing a book years ago, before I knew what a blog was. It wasn't the book I used to dream of writing. In fact, I never would have chosen the path that led to the story pouring from my heart. But, it was the story I was given. The one that I felt compelled to tell, even if just for myself. It's always been that way for me. When the words begin to flow, I can no more deny them than I could keep from breathing, for they come just as naturally. I don't say that as a boast, it is simply the way that God made me. The release of the words for me is like therapy, but even more so. My Writer-Chic friend, Monica, says it well in the header of her blog, "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you." Not telling the story of God's grace and healing, of the children of my heart who graced this earth for mere moments, but changed me for all eternity, the restoration of a marriage that shouldn't be, the glory of a life...nay, a generation changed by a Savior...it would be an agony.

I've tried, actually, to put the idea away. When I started releasing the words, James (who is now nine) was just a toddler. Tears poured as freely as the words flowing from my wounded soul. I relived every moment of the journey our family walked from brokenness to redemption, ashes to beauty, death to life, heartbreak to healing. And I continue to relive it every time I revisit the pages of our story.

At first, we were not ready to share our journey in such a public way. Life was busy, and my children needed me here. The wounds, although healed, were still tender...and for Tim possibly still gaping even years later. As God led us to begin Sufficient Grace and revealed the growing need to minister to grieving hearts, we took steps toward sharing parts of our journey.

I have quietly revisited the book project over the years, never sure if anyone would read it, and not even sure the reason I felt so driven to continue. I entered the blogging world, and found my people. People who also need to release their words...people with stories to tell. I can't tell you what a gift that has been, but if you're a blogger or a writer...I suppose I don't have to tell you.

I read a simple quote once in a magazine (maybe Writer's Digest). It said, "Writer's write." It doesn't matter what you write, or in what form...but you just do it. You just let the words flow onto the page.

The story I have in my heart to tell is the one that God has given me. It is really His story, woven into the tapestry of my life. The story that I've worked on over the course of about six years, is the most of Jesus and who He is that I have to give, as I've experienced His grace...and the most of my own heart. I have no delusions of grandeur. I know that I'm nobody famous, and it's likely that a traditional publisher will not ever take a glance at the pile of pages that share the biggest pieces of my heart. I know others have published their stories in the mean time, while mine has been waiting for the right season. At first, I wondered if that meant I should just give up on this project. But, their stories, while beautiful and serving a purpose were not exactly like my own. My story began long before some of the more recent ones, and I began writing it long before. It's a seed that was planted in my heart long ago. Should I put it away now just because someone else has shared their story?

It is mostly written...but not quite finished. I am tweaking it, little by little as time allows. Will you do me a favor? Will you pray for me as I finish the telling of this story? And, will you pray that the Lord will be the guide, that His purpose will prevail, that His story will be the one that is told?

Twelve Years in Heaven and a Sweet Release

(Thank you, Crystal, for remembering our sweet Thomas with the cupcake above!)


It has been twelve years since I held you in my arms, sweet Thomas...

There are so many things I wish I could tell you, so much I wish I could have done with the short time we were given...

I cannot believe how much a heart can ache for someone who was only here for nine months (in the womb) and six hours in my arms (part of the time, anyway)....

As you know, most of the time, I avoid the cemetery...you know I'd much rather think of you in heaven, where you truly are...safe in the arms of Jesus. The cemetery is a place I'd rather forget. It brings me no comfort.

And, yet...today, it seemed like we should go...

Sometimes years have passed without my feet stepping onto the sacred ground where countless tears have spilled...

But, today we went.




Today, I was surprised by the severity of the pain bubbling up between us, the ache of all that was missing swelling around our hearts as we held each other beside your grave...

Today, we remembered every part of what we are missing.

I meant to only celebrate your life, the gift and preciousness of you...

The promise of our forever reunion...

The hope we have in Jesus.

I meant for it to be a day like many others, full of light-hearted joy.

But it wasn't.

I've watched others do so many things to celebrate the lives of their babies...beautiful, wonderful, life-honoring things.

Things that I never did...

Some years we made a birthday cake, or cupcakes, or Ginny's cookies and quietly sang happy birthday. Our celebrations or remembrances were private...and we have always been protective of those sacred memories. Many years, we silently remembered or mentioned the day briefly. Of course we have never forgotten...we will never forget.

But, I never released balloons or anything grand and lovely.

Today, I decided it wasn't too late to honor every year that passed without a balloon release. So, I ordered twelve baby blue balloons for you, sweet boy...one for each year you have spent in heaven's glory.



We attached messages to you...birthday wishes...words of love...bible verses...

And, we sent them up toward heaven...along with the dreams in our hearts...




We all released balloons... but I won't be posting all the pictures...some things are still sacred and private.

Today was filled with memories, regrets, beauty from ashes, gratefulness, celebration of your life, and the comfort of the enduring love that carries this family...

Today was filled with sweet release...





As we watched the balloons floating up toward heaven, we remembered not only the beautiful boy we have been missing since you left our arms twelve years ago...but the love that came straight from heaven...the same love that will carry us home one day...the same love that carried you home twelve years ago...

The light of hope shone through the clouds...as it always does.

The hope of heaven...



The promise that we believe...even when we don't see...and we will keep on believing...and dreaming our dreams of you, until we see you and hold you again some sweet day...

Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29

We love you, Thomas! Happy Birthday...and thank you for the gift of you...

Birthdays, Memories and Missing

Today, it's my birthday...

Today, I welcome (not sure if welcome is the word...maybe "powerless to stop it" - haha) my mid-thirties.

Today, I was awakened with a memory of a birthday twelve years ago.

It was a Sunday morning, and I wore my favorite peach and white gingham maternity dress with the white daisies trimming the flattering empire waist. It was my birthday, and I wanted to look pretty as I readied myself for church. I rubbed my hand protectively over my full-term pregnant belly that was more like the size of my typical seven-month pregnant belly. I touched my tummy again as I sang the worship songs, aware that our time together was coming too quickly to an end.

I was scheduled to be induced on Monday morning (July 13th), and we would finally meet our Thomas face to face. Of course, I felt as if I knew him already. I had carried him within my womb, sung to him, prayed over him, and talked to him for nine sweet, heart-wrenching months, four of which I knew, that short of a miracle, I would be saying good-bye to my sweet boy on the day I met him. How I longed to look into his face, to hold him in my aching arms, arms that had been aching for his sisters since they went home to heaven less than two years before.

But, Sunday was my birthday, so Tim decided to celebrate by taking Timothy and I out to Pizza Hut. (Yep, we're fancy like that!) There were so many emotions going through my mind, weighing on my weary heart, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go anywhere. I tried to back out, not really feeling like celebrating. Tim, who isn't generally one for going out to eat (at all!), insisted that it was my birthday and we were going out! Looking back, that should have been a clue that something was up, but I was a little preoccupied, so it went unnoticed.

I didn't know what to wear, and became a little whiny, as I can sometimes get when it's hot and I'm pregnant and a thousand things are pulling on my fragile emotions. Tim told me that I should just wear what I had on...that my dress looked pretty. I shrugged, knowing that I was a little over-dressed for Pizza Hut, but too ambivalent to care.

He pulled into my friend Dinah's house, claiming he had to drop something off on our way. I shrugged again and followed him inside. Normally, I loved a visit to Dinah's house. She has the gift of hospitality, and can make anyone feel like a welcome old friend the minute they enter her lovely home. She has made her home a haven and always has something yummy to offer your taste buds, too...which helps, of course.

When we opened the door, several of my close friends were already gathered awaiting our arrival. SURPRISE! They had decided to throw me a surprise party...something I don't think has ever happened in my life before or since that day. It truly touched my heart, although I was suddenly a little embarrassed to be so over-dressed in my church clothes! My precious friends gathered together in one place to spend that day with us....what a sweet gift. Part of the time we talked a little about what was to come, and part of it, we spent laughing and steering clear of what was looming ahead. I can't remember everything...but I do remember the sweetness of that day, and the thoughtfulness of their gift...how precious it was to have them walk with us that day, and show such love on my birthday.

I was induced that Monday, and after a long, unpleasant labor our Thomas Patrick was born the next day...on July 14th.

I suppose birthdays are a good time for memories to wash over our hearts and fill our minds...

The other memories tugging at my heart this morning are those of my mother. For some reason, I miss my mom so desperately on my birthday every year since she passed...even more so than her own birthday. I suppose it's because no one loves you like your mom, or can make your birthday special like your mom. Even when I was a grown-up, mom always made sure I had a birthday cake...because, you know when you're the mom...no one else makes you a birthday cake. Except maybe your own mom! It was always chocolate. She loved to make birthdays and Christmas special...always wanted for the people in her life to know that they were loved and treasured.

I vaguely remember celebrating one of my birthdays at our favorite vacation spot, camping at the Mohican. Maybe it was my twelfth birthday...I'm not sure, but I do remember a really short haircut, some major pre-teen awkwardness, and some bright "jammers". That...and, of course, there was chocolate cake! We are planning a trip there as a family soon, and I can't wait. James has never been canoeing, and Timothy was there only once when he was much younger. Mom always loved it there, and somehow doing things she loved makes me feel closer to her.

Well...that's it. I'm entering my mid-thirties this morning with a mixture of missing those I love who are in heaven and gratefulness for those I love who are in my life on this earth, praising the God of my life whose love knows no bounds and whose grace covers all my longings. For as much as I am "missing" this morning, my heart and my cup still overflow with the blessings of a beautiful family, amazing friends, and precious memories...those that have already been made...and those yet to come. In all of it, my Father is faithful.

Who knows, before the day is done there may even be some chocolate cake...even if I have to make or...ahem...buy it myself!

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Please take some time this week to visit our new featured blogger on Walking With You, and show her some love. An encouraging comment means so much to a grieving heart. Thanks so much to those of you who visited last week's featured blogger.

Featuring Elena and her Lilly...

This week on Walking With You, we are featuring sweet Elena and her blog that tells the story of her Lilly Elizabeth.


Elena's words as she shares part of the story of Lilly's amazing life:

Our youngest daughter Lilly Elizabeth was diagnosed with anencephaly at 21 1/2 weeks in utero. This is her story. She was amazing and did amazing things in her six days 5 hours and 30 minutes of life. She cried when the Dr. pulled her out. She cried often, made noises when she was hungry and rooting, was peaceful, calm, and loved. She nursed!!! She lifted her head while laying on her stomach on daddy's chest. She gripped our fingers lots of times. She smiled. She opened her eyes. She responded to noise so we know she could hear. This blog will tell in detail of her story. Lilly met and was held by over 50 people..around 30 alone her first couple of hours being born. She was given 2 hours to 1 day after birth but she went above and beyond that without being hooked up to machines or being on medication. Her heart beat and respirations were always GREAT!!! She was always calm, peaceful, and happy. Amazed even the doctors at how well she was doing. She is our little miracle and our angel. Not many people get the chance to witness a miracle, we feel lucky and blessed to have been given that chance.

Her most recent post talks about those moments of missing that wash over us from time to time...and also contains one of my own favorite "sayings". Please visit and leave her word of encouragement.

This post shares the day when everything changed for this family. We all can relate to that day in our own journeys.

Read about some of the ways Lilly's family treasured this gift of time...

I hope you will take the time and read about Lilly and her sweet mom, Elena. Even if you only leave a comment on the most recent post, it will be an encouragement and a blessing to her. Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to visit last week's featured blogger, Kim. Please take some time to show love to Elena and keep her and her family in your prayers this week.

Favorite Bible Verses

This week at Kelly's Korner, bloggers are sharing favorite bible verses. I have been thinking about that this morning, and feel compelled to take part...only I cannot choose just one. There are several, and even this list will not cover them all. The wonderful thing about the Word of God is that it is living...Holy Spirit-breathed truth that is always able to speak to a seeking heart in every circumstance. Sometimes the same verse can speak to you in a different way at a different time.

Some of my favorite verses over the course of my life-journey so far...


Love this promise that reminds me over and over again of the new life I've been given in Jesus...
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. ~ 2 Corinth. 5:17

This verse is the one from which we chose the names for our sweet Faith and Grace. Over the years, this verse has spoken to me so many times...reminding me of the gift of grace I have been given...reminding me that there is nothing I can do to earn this precious gift...reminding me that even the works that we do, He has prepared for us in advance, that He created us with a purpose in mind for His glory...

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10

Thomas' verse...sweet Thomas, how your life taught us about believing without seeing:
Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer...and many other moments of my life, when I needed to remember to look at the unseen promises of eternity...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. ~ 2 Corinth. 16-18

The promise God whispered to my heart over and over again as my mother's time on this earth was passing quickly...the same promise that inspired the name of our band, One Way...the same promise I have clung to many questioning nights...

“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions;[a] if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And where I go you know, and the way you know.”
5 Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
~ John 14:1-6

Another promise for my mother...and for me...

Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
~Isaiah 46:4

It's no secret this verse means a lot to me...oh, how we have experienced His sufficient grace in our lives...
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

And, this one, which our ministry is based upon...

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ~ 2 Corinth. 1:3-4

When life gets tough...when the waters rise...

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19

There are so many more, of course, but these are just a few that are especially dear to me. What are some of your favorite verses?

Have a wonderful Friday...and thanks so much for stopping by!

BBQ Sauce Winner ~ Our First Walking With You Featured Blogger

*Updated: I'm not sure why comments are not showing up on my blogs right now, but I am getting them through email notification! Strange!

Please take a few minutes to visit the Walking With You Blog and read about this week's featured blogger. While I know I do not have a plethora of readers, it would be so nice if many of you would leave a word of encouragement for this sweet mama...whether you are a mother who has experienced a loss or not, you are welcome to offer your support. Also, if you are a grieving parent who would like to have your blog featured, please visit this post for details.

And...because I know you are just on the edge of your seats (hee-hee)...

The winner of the best BBQ sauce known to mankind is...

My sweet blog-friend (even though she is a stinky Steelers fan!)...
September!

Yay!!! September...I may already have your address, but will you email it to me again?

Meet Kim ~ Kristen's Mommy, and Show Her Some Love

Our first featured blogger on Walking With You is Kim from Peace of My Heart. Kim's sweet baby girl, Kristen, was born last May and spent three precious months with her lovely family. She went home to heaven after complications from a lung surgery to remove a mass of tissue.

Kim has several beautiful posts that share her family's journey and pieces of her own beautiful heart and her faith as she walks this path. Here are just a few...

Kim's most recent post shows a picture of grief in marriage. Take a minute to read and leave a comment, letting her know you are there.

Learn more about Kristen here.

The Bear Project...beauty born from the ashes of sorrow...Kim's labor of love, offering a gift of comfort from one mommy to another.

I loved this post of Kim's called Better Than a Miracle. This post addresses what happens when we don't get the answer we were praying for in such an encouraging way. Another way to think about miracles...and a way that God has spoken to my own heart before. I love the way He revealed this to her.

This Christmas letter post has some great advice for those wishing to offer support to someone who has had a loss.

There are so many more wonderful posts, and truthfully, I'm just getting to know Kim, myself as I read through her lovely blog. I hope you will take the time to visit and comment on some of these posts and/or others that speak to your heart sometime throughout this week. Even if you just have time to visit her most recent post and leave a comment of encouragement...that would be wonderful. Please also take the time to pray for Kim and her family this week.

Whether you are a grieving mom or just someone who wishes to offer comfort and hope, you are welcome to participate. I know that I do not have a "large" audience, but it would be so nice to see each featured blogger flooded with words of hope, encouragement, and love as we let each other know that we are not walking alone. If you would like your blog to be featured, please visit this post for details. We want to allow everyone a chance to tell their stories...the stories of their precious children. I hope you will join us, and I thank you in advance for taking the time to do this. You have no idea how much just taking a moment to leave a heartfelt comment can encourage a grieving heart.

Love to all...