Shining Our Light...

Thought I'd share this little live recording of my husband and I shining our light this morning during worship at our church. Please forgive the imperfections. I'm noticing that the more I hear myself on recordings, the more I prefer a live performance. It's just more forgiving when you are there...in the moment. But, with a recording...there's no grace...and we all know how much I love (and need) grace! So...even though it's far from perfect, it's a little picture of us. I love singing with my husband. So, I'm sharing it (and us anyway)...just as we are.

Speaking of shining our light...

I feel like I haven't been doing that enough lately. Sure, I'm busy serving, busy doing, busy running in all directions. But, in the midst of it all, my light has almost gone out. It's barely flickering way down deep under several bushels (or layers, if you will). You see the layers have been pulled away and I've pulled them back on over the past few weeks...off and on...as I keep stubbornly and numbly going out in my own power to do, do, do.

How's that working out for me?

Not so well. I'm growing exhausted, weary, making mistakes, overlooking details, drained of energy and creativity, missing the gift of right now with the people I love. My intentions are good. I desire to reach out to grieving families and encourage women with love, compassion, and biblical truth...as the Lord has laid on my heart to do. This is a good thing...a privilege and an honor to serve Him in this way. It generally blesses me more, I think, than even those we are allowed to serve. But, lately I have become immersed in the world of sorrow...driven to do more. And, I've rarely come up for air. So preoccupied with those walking in the valley of the shadow of death, I am missing a big part of life.

The result.... I'm drowning a little...
...beneath the weight of sorrow I see in the grieving hearts all around me.
...beneath the piles of ignored paperwork.
...beneath the responsibilities of work, home, ministry.
...beneath my own limitations and failures.
...beneath the layers I've once again retreated to.
...beneath the piles of laundry and dishes and layers of dust.
...beneath the unfinished lists.
...beneath the unmet expectations.

I'm not sharing this to complain or ask that anyone feel sorry for me. Certainly, I am blessed among women to do what I do. The ministry God has given me is a gift that I cherish. He has laid a passion on my heart that spurs me on, past the weariness most of the time. Why am I sharing it? Because, I suspect I'm not alone. I suspect I'm not the only woman out there drowning a little right now under all the demands she has placed on her shoulders....under all the layers she hides behind. Because we are women, after all...and we can handle it. We can handle all of it. At least we think we're supposed to able to. It hurts me a little even to write these words...to admit that I can't always juggle it all. I want to be able to....want to think I can. Often, I feel like a failure because I think I SHOULD be able to, and it hurts to realize I can't.

Recently, Kate from Called Out One, shared on this topic and it resonated with me right now on so many levels. I don't feel like I'm being very beautiful, lately. I don't feel connected with those I love as much as I want to. I feel like I'm just surviving the days instead of really living them. And, the reason I feel that way, is because I am just going, instead of being still and knowing that He is God. I am running until I drop, instead of resting in Him. I am relying on my own meager strength instead of realizing that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. My supposed quiet time with the Lord is full of unfocused, rushed noise. This isn't what Jesus meant for me...or for any of us (if you are indeed out there drowning, too.).

Here's the thing, though. It's really easy to see the answer and to write it here in lovely sounding words. I need to take time to sit before the Lord, seeking His way, going out in His strength, being filled with His peace. I need to balance some living with all of the serving and dwelling on the reality of death. I need to keep the priority list in order and take care of my home and family. I need to make a schedule and stick to it to make sure all of this happens. I've even said these things and blogged about these things once or a hundred times before.

Yes...that's all true.

But, in reality...I get tired and distracted.In reality, I'm supposed to start my day with devotions and I'm tired from staying up way too late working on the ministry. In reality, I have to get up early in the morning and get my children off to school and myself ready and off to work. Energy reserves wane by the time I've spent my day at work in the classroom. Next, I'm supposed to exercise...and again I'm tired. (Like devotions, though, I never regret exercising once I push myself to do it...and it actually increases energy! But...it's mustering the initiative to do it that's the challenge!) James gets off the bus and Timothy comes home. Everyone settles in from their day for a bit. Then, homework for the kids...more ministry work for me. Dad comes home...supper...dishes (sometimes...and sometimes I just leave them, which doesn't do the next day's weariness any favors!). Bedtime for the kids (well the younger one)...hopefully a little bedtime devotion. Then...a little time with my husband (although not enough lately)... more ministry work...and sometime (hopefully) a little sleep.

Again...I'm grateful for my family, for this ministry, and for my job. But, there needs to be some balance. There needs to be (as Pastor James would say) a "Sabbath". What does that mean? That means there needs to be some time set aside to rest, to enjoy time with the Lord, and time with my family, to just live and be. I'm not talking about going to church. We do that every Sunday (and often serve there as well, helping with worship and children's worship). God places an importance on rest. He rested after creating the world and Jesus often took time to rest when He was on this Earth. He did not rush around like a crazy person until He was depleted of energy...healing and teaching and serving willy-nilly. He went forth in peace. And He took time to rest. There was a balance. So...rest and balance are what I'm seeking. A little more living and cherishing this life is on my new list of things to do. And...a little more shining my light...or letting His light shine through me, rather. Please pray for me in this area.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:16

New Walking With You Post

New Walking With You post is up on the Walking With You page. From now on, all Walking With You posts will appear: here. (You can also get to the page by clicking on the beautiful navigation bar at the top of the page!)

Threads of Hope ~ Lessons 1 & 2

(You'll notice we have a new button linking directly to this page. I loved Abigail's button, and it was really hard for me to change. Danielle designed this one to match our new look. So thankful to both of them! Eventually, I may transfer all old posts to this page. For now, you can find links to previous Walking With You posts at the bottom of the sidebar to the right.)

To read previous posts on Walking With You, please click here: Walking With You.


If you are new to this site:
Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.


This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.

*Because a lot of material will be covered in each study, you may share as much or as little as you wish about what speaks to you. You may answer every question on your post, or just choose one particular concept or scripture that spoke to you. Share as little or as much as you are able.

While many of us have shared the stories of our babies, and how we came to be walking this path in previous posts, some may be joining us for the first time. So, we'll take a moment to introduce ourselves and our glory babies, here. I am Kelly Gerken, wife to Tim, and mother to five children. Three of them dance in heaven's glory, while two of our sons are still perfecting their dance here with us. You can read more about our Faith, Grace, and Thomas here.

I like the introduction to this study...the example of the granddaughter expecting this beautiful quilt as a gift from the grandmother she dearly loved and trusted. What she received instead, was not what she expected. It wasn't a beautiful quilt at all, but what looked like a pile of rags, incomplete pieces of what she hoped for...a picture of broken dreams. How could her grandmother do this to her? The questions, the betrayal, the feeling of being deserted, forsaken, unloved...the bitterness, sorrow and pain swirl in her heart.

I think most of us can relate...

Lesson 2

1. Where do I go to find out the truth?

I asked the doctors countless questions...
Searched the internet for cures, procedures, information...
For the twins, I read my Twin book...for Thomas, I called doctors, nurses, friends...

But most of all...I prayed and devoured Scripture, knowing that nothing in this world would be able to deliver us from what we were facing. God alone was able to carry our babies and to carry us. I am not just saying that because it seems like the right answer. I wish I could say that I was strong, and that's why I knew where to turn...that my faith never wavered. Not true. It was desperation that drove me to His Word in the dark of night. My bible is still stained with the tears. I did know where to turn, but it wasn't my strength that brought me there. It was my weakness, my desperation, and the knowledge that God was our only hope.

Psalm 19:7-10 reminds us that His way is perfect...His testimony is sure..

His ways are "more to be desired than gold".

Beautiful truth...that's what that is.

II Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us that "all Scripture is given by inspiration of God...so that we may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work".

Every good work? Even this?

Yes...even this.

2. Where does life come from?

Love the verses in this section...

In Genesis 2:7, we find God breathing the breath of life into man.

In Psalm 139:13-16, we are reassured...that we were covered in our mother's womb, and so are our babies...that we are known by our Creator.

verse 16 is speaking to me especially tonight...
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
and in Your book they are all written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Even before we existed, we were known by our Father. Before we walked this path, He knew we would be walking it. Before our babies existed, He knew every moment that they would live on this earth and in heaven. None of it happens without His knowledge.

Isaiah 46:3-4 has brought me comfort in the darkest valleys. Oh my...the tears that fall when I just hear those words.

He will carry me...
He will carry you...

He upholds us from birth...
He carries us from the womb...
He made us, He bears us...
He will carry and deliver us...

Even until old age...even until cancer steals life from us or someone we love, rare birth defects claim our children, even until our very last breath...He will carry us.

Why was my baby too weak to live?

I'm not sure the importance or relevance of this question. I understand the point of the lesson in John 9 is to say that it was not his parents' sin that caused the man's blindness. He was just born blind, but through His blindness and healing, God was glorified. There were some notes in the margin of my bible on the part where Jesus made the mud and saliva mixture and put it on the man's eyes to heal him. The words were from my Pastor and said, "sometimes we have to go through it first, before we can see". Sometimes, we have to take the steps before He shows us the way. Sometimes we have to walk through the fire before the healing rain.

Obviously this verse speaks to me:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
~ II Corinth. 12:9

Sometimes, we are not spared the pain, sorrow, sickness, or death. Sometimes, we have to walk through it, trusting that His grace is sufficient to carry us.

4. Where is my child now?
Many encouraging scriptures here, reassuring that our children are in heaven. I'll just share one of my favorites.

...to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. ~ II Corinth. 5:8

As soon as we pass from this world to the next, we are with the Lord. No waiting in limbo. His promise is secure. If we are His, He brings us immediately to Him upon our death.

Also...love that David worshipped the Lord in the midst of his grief after the loss of his child. (II Samuel 12:15-23)

The quote at the bottom of this page touched my soul to the core, and I instantly wept.

But past faith and belief, I knew quite overwhelmingly that she herself- her soul- still was. ~ Sheldon VanAuken, A Severe Mercy

We talk about faith and belief. We say that we trust the Lord...that we know where we are going when we die. Our place in heaven is secure because Jesus died for us and now lives. We rest in that hope. But it is something all together different to actually rest in that hope...to actually believe when we don't see...to place our faith in Him when all we can physically feel is a canyon-sized void in our hearts and the emptiness of our arms. The word faith takes on a whole new meaning then.

5. Can I ever understand WHY?

Interesting question. It has been many years since I said goodbye to my Faith, Grace, and Thomas...a teenage lifetime in fact. I'm not really a "Why?" asking kind of girl when it comes to questioning God. I suppose I asked a couple times, if not consciously, somewhere deep in the pits of my grief.

I did ask why, wondering if it were something I had done...not physically to cause this...but some sin that had caused me to fall out of His favor. Was there some lesson we needed to learn? Did we not have enough faith? There are many lies Satan whispers in our ears in the darkness. His favorite for me, is to whisper that I have been forsaken by my Father...that I don't measure up spiritually or in any other way. While it is true that on my own I do not measure up, it is a blatant lie that I have been forsaken. I am covered in grace by the blood of Jesus, and my Father will never leave me or forsake me.

I don't think "Why's" are very fruitful, although I would never blame someone who is asking "Why". After all, if we never asked why...how would we ever really have faith. If it all just came easily, then it would be nothing for us to trust. If we could see all of the answers, it wouldn't be faith at all.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb. 11:1) It's all about believing without seeing. He promises never to leave us...He never promised to tell us the answer to "why?".

Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us that "His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts". It's not always for us to understand...just to trust in Him.

6. How can God help me deal with losing my baby?

The Holy Spirit was sent as our Helper and our Comforter. He has met me in the dark sea of grief over and over, reassuring with His living Word, squelching lies with His truth, and filling me with His grace, revealing the depth of His love and faithfulness. Not only did God comfort me with His Word and His presence through prayer, but he sent my friend Ginny to walk with me.

Great verses of truth shared in this section. This post is way too long for me to type them out. (And quite frankly, the words are blurring together as I type!)

Also love the verses shared from Romans talking about how "hope does not disappoint".

Thanks so much for participating in this study, even if it's just to read along with those who post. Please take the time to visit and encourage each person linked here. You may post on your own blog and link your post to the MckLinky below. If you do not have a blog or do not wish to post, you may also particpate in the discussion on our Facebook page.

It may take me a few days to get to those who link...need to focus on some other important ministry and family needs for the next few days. But, as soon as I'm able, I look forward to walking with each of you...

In His Grace,
Kelly


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Upcoming Threads of Hope Study

To read previous posts on Walking With You, please click here: Walking With You.


If you are new to this site:
Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.


This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.

We will be starting the Bible Study on February 25, 2010 and will continue each Thursday for a total of nine weeks. The first week in the book is where each member tells their story. Since we've already done that on Walking With You, we will start with Lesson 2 on our first session. If you are joining us for the first time, though, please share some of your story in the comments on this post or leave a link to a blog post telling about your child.

A little preparation is needed to get ready for each Thursday's post. First, you will need a Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study book. There are a couple ways you can get one.

1. They can be ordered here: www.lovingandcaring.org

2. One of the sweet authors, Gwen Kik, emailed me that they are willing to share their book online for free! You can click here to download it to your computer: Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy. Thanks Gwen!

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A few people have been emailing me with questions about the Threads of Hope Study we are beginning this Thursday, so I thought I'd do a little post giving instructions.

This week, since we may have some newcomers, we should give an introduction of ourselves and our babies in the first paragraph. Keep it short and maybe post a link to your baby's story if you wish to share more. That way we can delve into the second lesson, (since most participants have already shared their journey in depth on the previous Walking with You posts. See the bottom of the sidebar for links to those posts.) Please read the Threads of Hope Lesson One and Two and answer the questions in Lesson Two in a blog post. Then link your post on the MckLinky at the bottom of my post here on the Walking With You site.


There are actually a few ways you can participate:

1. Post your response to each lesson on your blog and link to the Walking With You Post on this site.

2. Go to our Facebook Page and post your lesson responses in the discussion board which will be posted each Thursday, as well.

3. Leave a response in the comments of each post.

If you have any further questions, please email me or leave a comment here. We will be posting all future Walking With You posts on this page. I am so looking forward to this study and praying that many will join us and find comfort as we walk together.

As always, it is an honor and privilege to walk with all of you...

Reminder for Upcoming Walking With You ~ Threads of Hope

Walking With You has a new home! Please click here to read some important information about our upcoming Walking With You ~ Threads of Hope Bible Study beginning this Thursday, February 25, 2010. There are some new instructions at the bottom of that post. Please pray for us as we are making many changes, juggling many things, and seeking the Lord as we continue to serve Him. And, please keep this study in prayer.

Thanks so much...I look forward to walking with all of you...

In The Storm...The Beginning of Walking With You

Originally posted on June 12, 2009...

Tonight my sweet friend, Dawn Marshall from Marshall Photography met with my other sweet friend, Toni (and me) to do a photo shoot for our upcoming blog button for the yet to be named support project we are starting on June 15th! It had been a gray drizzly day, raining lightly off and on. When the time came for our little shoot, it started to pour buckets of rain.

Of course it did. At first I thought, what is going on? What a disappointment that the rain would increase in strength as we met to take pictures. I heard thunder rumbling as we huddled under our umbrellas (which incidentally each had their own unique imperfections: mine had pokey things sticking out, Dawn's had a big hole in it, and Toni's was lopsided. And, yes...I'm sure there are metaphors in that observation.), while I apologized profusely. The children of these two sweet mamas huddled together in their vehicles as the ran splattered down the sides and into the waiting mud puddles.

The rain poured. The thunder rumbled. And we walked in our cute shoes through the mud puddles into a dark alley that said Do Not Enter, while we huddled and shivered under our umbrella, gingerly navigating our steps to avoid more serious potholes. And, it struck me. The beauty of it. The realization that our God was still in control even as the rain poured. It was no accident that the skies darkened and the rains came down. The mud puddles, the foreboding alley that Dawn had suggested as our location. No accident. My original idea was two friends walking down a lovely tree and flower-laden path. How inappropriate that would have been. How unlike the message that we really meant to send. How not representative of walking together through the stormy paths...through the dark sorrow of grief. Through the valleys. The point of what God has laid on our hearts is that we are willing to walk with you through those dark painful places...and not so much that we are willing as that our God is willing. He is willing to walk with us...and places that desire in our hearts to do the same.



And that walk, it's no flower-laden path. It is a dark alley with old jagged concrete, filled with mud puddles and Do Not Enter Signs. Dark and foreboding...if we look with our human eyes. That walk is not for the faint of heart. It is the nitty gritty stuff of life and death, loss and hope, pain and healing, sorrow and joy. It is a bitter cup that one day becomes a soothing sweetness to your soul, but for a time breaks you into pieces. And, on that walk, it's unpredictable. The rain pours. The tears flow. The mud rises. That's what we see, at least.



Internally, the Lord is working. In the place we cannot see with our eyes, the heart is being shaped and mended, formed into a more beautiful instrument of love and grace than it was before we took that walk. Inside, our soul is being healed and filled up, even as the rains fall...even as we feel poured out and empty. When all we see are ashes, He sees the beauty that will come from them. When we behold the darkness before us, surrounding us, smothering us...He sees the light that He will shine in those dark places.

There are moments on that walk when we feel we cannot go on. Moments when a friend comes alongside us to point us again to the One who sustains us. A friend to lift us in prayer. A friend to allow us to lean on her as she leans on Him. A friend, who is not afraid to walk through the valley in the rain, with a storm mounting. She is not afraid, because the Lord is her strength and her shield. She is not afraid because she doesn't walk alone.

And because He has walked with her through the valleys and the storms, He has sent her to walk with you. And He will carry you both through the rain, through the storm, through the unknown dark alleys to secure, dry ground.



Whether you are a newly bereaved mother or a seasoned mom who has watched the Lord make beauty from ashes in her life. Whether you need someone to lean on or you are the shoulder that can bear the burden, we hope you will walk with us as we are walking with Him. We hope you will join us with our broken umbrellas, with all our little quirks and imperfections in our various stages on this walk, as His grace washes over us in the pouring rain.

Ch...ch...changes....Introducing ~ the New Face of Sufficient Grace!

If you are reading this as an email subscriber, we encourage you to click here: www.sufficientgrace.net to view our new site!

I am so excited about our new website! Danielle (The Design Girl) did an absolutely fabulous job designing the beautiful new face of Sufficient Grace Ministries. Don't you think? We are so thankful for her gift of design, and for her patience with me...the girl who wants to change, but hates to change, can't make up her mind, but is quite particular about what she wants all at the same time. It has been quite a journey the last couple weeks as we have been working a lot and sleeping little in order to update the site.

I still have a lot to do, so I imagine there are some more sleepless nights ahead. But, we would like to get it just right! Please be patient with us as we iron out any glitches and continue to add details. We will be adding order buttons on our Dreams of You Shop so that products can be ordered directly from our site. While we do not charge families for our products or services, we do ask hospitals, funeral homes, photographers, and others to give a suggested donation amount, when ordering, if they are able. This helps offset the ever-growing costs of the products that we give away to the grieving families we serve.

So...changes are coming...hopefully for the better! Please pray for the Lord's guidance, provision, and wisdom as we continue making changes and seeking better ways to minister to the needs of the women and families sent our way.

Thank you so much for your prayers, love, and support! Blessings to all...

In His Grace,
Kelly

Gathering, Helping Hands, and Comfort Bears...

I was so hoping to reveal the changes we have been working on for the past two weeks, but there are still a few glitches to iron out. Hopefully within the next few days, our blog renovation will be complete...so stay tuned!

In the meantime, we met with the ladies from the Helping Hands Ministry at Harvest Fellowship Church this Saturday, to make the Comfort Bears offered in our Dreams of You Memory Baskets. These women are such a blessing to me, to Sufficient Grace, and to the families who receive our products. You know, I was sharing a couple posts ago about how the movie Steel Magnolias resonates with me, because of the gathering of women to laugh, cry, and walk through life together. (You may not have read it, because it was at the end of a REALLLLLY long post!) I shared how the generations of women surrounding me have been interrupted, and how much I miss my mother and my daughters.

And, I do miss their presence in my life, everyday. But, God is so gracious...such an abundant and faithful provider. There is not a need in our lives or a desire in our hearts that goes unnoticed by our Father. He knows how I treasure the gathering of women to laugh and cry and walk through this life together. He knows exactly what I'm missing. He has provided beautiful, amazing women to surround me...to encourage me, to walk with me...both in blog world and in real life.

I spent this past Saturday with some of them. Beautiful women of faith, they quietly serve the Lord, honoring Him in the work they do with their hands, using their gift of sewing to bring comfort to grieving hearts and to clothe children in need. They worked on the Comfort Bears for Sufficient Grace, and another worthy project: sundresses and cloth diapers for children in Haiti. (A project they began shortly BEFORE the massive earthquake devastated the region.)

Our Comfort Bears were originally created by my mother, Kathy Rutter. She lovingly sewed each one, as only a grandmother can...filling them with love and prayers for the broken-hearted mothers who would receive them. She worked on them passionately, until shortly before cancer took her life in 2006. Kaye Shively stepped forward to continue my mother's dream and formed the Helping Hands Ministry. Kaye and her team of faithful servant-hearted ladies have helped us provide hundreds of Comfort Bears to families all over the United States and Canada.

There are not words to express how grateful we are for their efforts. They usually work quietly, behind the scenes. And, they weren't too thrilled to see my camera come out on Saturday. Hopefully, they will forgive me. I just have to share them with all of you, as they are such a blessing, encouragement, and such an example to me. They are Titus 2, in action...beautiful, God-honoring women...quietly serving the Lord, with willing hearts.

So, on Saturday...we gathered...



Kaye, Joyce, and Jacie...the core members of Helping Hands.

Kaye (left)...the leader of Helping Hands, a gifted seamstress, quiet, humble, gentle-spirited, kind, beautiful servant heart. She is rarely found without one or all of her grandchildren in her arms. Love and gentleness shine through Kaye, whether she's with her grandchildren or anyone else.

Joyce (right)...another beautiful servant heart, also gifted in sewing, the mother of my Pastor (which alone causes me to respect and love her for helping to mold such a wonderful man). She has a quick-witted dry humor that absolutely blesses my heart, and I love her smile. She is full of wisdom, which she shares in the most natural way as we work. She has a phenomenal gift with children, in her calm, no-nonsense manner, as she takes things in stride. Not only do her own children rise up and call her blessed, but the special needs children she works with think she's pretty alright, too!

Jacie (front)...daughter of Joyce, talented seamstress in her own right. A no-nonsense girl, like her mother, Jacie also appreciates a little sarcastic humor. She is a loving mother to her own three children...and is always willing to serve in many areas of our church. She and her husband are both servant-hearted blessings, whether teaching the youth of our church, or serving food on fellowship day. So grateful for them.



Patty...I haven't learned a lot about yet. But, I can tell you one thing. That girl can sew a nose on a bear like nobody's business! (It's a little Helping Hands joke that I'm a tad particular about bear noses!)



Stephanie (left)...I am just getting to know Stephanie, but I already love her. She is so easy to be around...and instantly welcoming and easy to talk to. Stephanie has such a heart for grieving mothers and such a willing heart. She and her husband (owner of Zachrich funeral home) have become supporters of Sufficient Grace, and we are so grateful for them. Stephanie's sweet daughter also came to help, and it turns out we voted the Zachrich girls the best stuffers of the day. (This was decided after they left.) Now, don't go getting too prideful that you ladies have the gift of "stuffing"!

You already know that other girl in the picture...=)



Susan...a dear friend and fellow praying mama, a woman full of grace, someone you can whole-heartedly trust. I have prayed with Susan in Moms in Touch. We have laughed and cried together. And I adore her. (Hopefully she doesn't kill me for putting her picture on here. She didn't know I was taking it!) Love you, Susan! Her sweet daughter (an aspiring seamstress) also came to lend a hand.

Love the gathering of generations of women...to serve the Lord...

My Loves...

I was going to write this post about how much I'm lovin' my new Lenovo laptop Sufficient Grace recently purchased from Ed at Solid Rock Computers.

I was even going to post a photo of my Lenovo. But, for some reason, I am having a terrible time downloading my pictures from my camera to my computer this evening. I guess I still need to figure out a few things before we will be at top form.

But, it sure beats contorting my body in impossible positions just so I can type my ramblings to all of blogland...

So, even though I can't access all of my photos and documents yet...

I am still lovin' my superfast Lenovo...

And I spent the weekend (and my life for that matter) lovin' these beautiful people, too...








What else have I been doing on this three day weekend? Working on some big blog changes coming soon...stay tuned! (I am sooooo excited!)

Winners Announced...and Some Beautiful Women of Faith...

I really wish I could send everyone who entered a Threads of Hope book and take everyone with me to the Women of Faith. It's a lot more fun when everyone wins! But this time, that's not the case. Thank you to everyone who entered.

Threads of Hope Winners:
Shannon
Allison
Cecilia
Kathryn
Kimberly

Congratulations...please email me your address ASAP so that I can send you your book! I look forward to participating in this upcoming Walking With You with each of you. Even if you didn't win, remember that you can download the book online for free!

The winner of the Women of Faith ticket is Stephanie Gerken. (While I do know who Stephanie is in real life, she is no relation to me! She is an older sister to a high school friend of mine and the daughter of one of my former teachers (who was more recently a co-worker, a dear friend, and someone on MY list of women of faith). I actually have come to know Stephanie better more recently through this blog and email, since her daughter Chloe went home to heaven last year. She is a beautiful woman of faith herself!) Stephanie had trouble leaving her entry in the comments, so she emailed it to me. Her words were such a blessing and inspiration as she shared about her grandmother, Ileen, that I just have to share them here.

(If you did not win a ticket, but still plan on coming, we would love to join you for dinner either Friday, Saturday, or both! Please email me if you're coming!)




Stephanie's Woman of Faith Entry:
Thank you for this wonderful request, Kelly. This is something we should ponder far more often. Praise God that he has inspired you to encourage all of us to consider these “daughters of Sarah.” [1 Peter 3]


Choosing just one of these women in my own life seems like an insurmountable task! I have been blessed with several inspirational women, including my mother, Ruth Bloor, and you. During this last most challenging year, your walk of faith and willingness to share have been a lifesaver to me. When I felt as if I were drowning in grief, you were there, Kelly. Your ministry soothes, guides, and exhorts so many broken hearts. It is breath-taking to see how the Lord is working in and through your life.


For the purpose of the Women of Faith conference, however, I will focus on my grandmother, Ileen Steffen. I consider it a great blessing that I was her oldest grandchild because I was able to bask in her unconditional love for 26 precious years. From my toddler days into my 20s, I longed to stay overnight with Grandma like some people anticipate sleepovers with their best friends! Thankfully, I was able to do that at least once a week – and I think that is probably a conservative estimate.


I loved snuggling up with her on her sofa as she read her Bible each night. I learned early that her Bible was her most treasured possession. I remember waking up sometimes in the middle of the night and finding her on her knees in silent prayer. Back then, I had no idea the trials (and yes, there were many triumphs, too) she was facing quietly, prayerfully, and faithfully.


My grandmother was selfless, she persevered through tragedy and great anguish without complaining, and I saw in her each one of the fruit of the spirit.


Her love? lt was boundless; her joy was tangible. Her peace was the God-given peace that passes all understanding. Her patience? Legendary. I have often told my children about the time I accidentally knocked over a gorgeous plant pedestal Grandma Ileen had made in her ceramic class. She didn’t even blink as it sat in pieces, intermingled with dirt and a mangled fern.


Then, of course, was her kindness, which helped make her the teacher others still inspire to emulate. I remember a young student whose mother had passed away. Although I was no older than 5 years old myself, I vividly recall how Grandma tried to comfort the student and step in as a motherly figure. Years later, while enjoying yet another sleepover, I quietly watched as she wept and prayed throughout the night for a student who had lost his life while crossing the railroad tracks on his way home from school.


My grandmother’s unfailing goodness was demonstrated each year in her second-grade classroom, where boldly defying all political correctness, she would decorate a bulletin board without fail. It proclaimed Matthew 7:12.: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you …” She lived that verse and expected nothing less of her students. She also led them in prayer each morning – all in a public school. Given all of these examples, it is probably not necessary to expound on her faithfulness.


As for the last two fruit of the spirit, gentleness and self-control, Grandma combined both as she calmly faced experiences that leave others bitter and cynical for a lifetime. No matter with whom she was interacting – a 3-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, a teenager sporting a less-than-respectful attitude, or an elderly patient with dementia she visited in a local nursing home after her retirement – Grandma exemplified the kind of gentleness Ephesians 4:1-3 calls all of us to exhibit. “ … Walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”


Through much pain and loss, she persevered, and I know not a single time where she lost control. Her forbearance is something I only hope to one day fully attain. Her self-control was perhaps never more evident than in the final year of her life. She was dying of cancer, but due to her penchant to persevere and never complain, many months passed before she was diagnosed.


When the devastating diagnosis finally came – just three weeks before her death – the disease had spread to nearly every major organ and her bones. To think that she had endured such indescribable pain for so long is unimaginable. Maintaining such self-control.during those long, painful months could not have been possible if not for the power of Christ sustaining her.


My grandmother was a woman of faith unlike any I have ever known. As I reflect, I wonder if she ever knew how strong her Godly impact was on my life. She was my “Titus 2” woman: “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”


Many of those concepts seem counter-cultural today, but even as a young wife in the early ‘90s, I definitely lacked in almost every one of those areas. She, however, seemed to shine brilliantly in each one and I have endeavored to follow in those faith-filled footsteps.


When I began this tribute to my grandmother, I referenced the “daughters of Sarah,” in I Peter 3. Several years ago, I shared my testimony during a church retreat. As must be obvious by now, Grandma Ileen played a role of great consequence in my life and witness.


During my testimony, I shared the I Peter passage about her because of how much it reminded me of her life. “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” [1 Peter 3:3-6]


Her “inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” was evident to me throughout her life. My greatest hope is that I will someday be able to attain what Grandma Ileen did through unspeakable tragedies, heart-breaking trials, and miraculous triumphs.


And finally, Kelly, I would be remiss if I did not express how deeply grateful I am that you have encouraged us to write about our women of faith. Until now, I have not spent enough time explaining Grandma Ileen to the great-grandchildren she did not have the opportunity to meet this side of heaven. My daughter, Hannah Ileen, and my brother’s daughter, Grace Ileen, should especially know more about the cherished woman for whom they were named. May God richly bless you for offering this awesome opportunity.

It was such a blessing to read the "women of faith" entries...I'd love to read more about the women of faith in your lives. If you would like to share a woman of faith in your life, please leave a comment here...just for fun and a little inspiration and encouragement!

A Post With So Much Going On, It Needs It's Own Subtitles....

Oh my word, the hodge podge of ramblings you are about to endure on this windy, snowy, bitter cold Saturday morning. I hope you're ready!

Sufficient Grace Ministries Upcoming Events

February 20, 2010: 8:00am-11:00am the Helping Hands ladies will be working on Comfort Bears for Sufficient Grace Ministries. Even if you cannot sew (like me!), but would like to help stuff bears and put together baskets, please join us. I will be there with some other work to do that does not involve sewing. Also, I am considering having a meeting afterward for those who are able to stay. We will have a time of prayer, discuss our vision for the ministry, and make any decisions that need to be made. Come for as little or as much time as you are able! Email me if you have any questions.

February 25, 2010: We will be starting the Walking With you ~ Threads of Hope series. Click here to read more, and to enter to win a copy of the book.

March is open...for now!

In April, I will possibly be speaking at a Scrapbooking Conference in Fremont. More details to come. (Please keep this in prayer.)

April, 30-May 1, 2010: Women of Faith and a little Sufficient Grace Gathering! Click here to enter to win a free ticket to the Columbus Conference! It's not too late to enter...deadline is Monday! Even if you can't attend the conference, but would like to meet Becki and I for dinner (Holly and a couple other friends are coming too!), we would love to see you there!

As I write about these coming events, it seems summer will be upon us before we know it! There are a lot of things on my heart this summer for Sufficient Grace. I'd love to do some travelling, speak and share with some hospitals and women's groups, and really get our Dreams of You resources out there to help more families. If you have any ideas how you can help us do that, let us know. Or if you have an event that needs a speaker and/or singer, let us know. I am so excited to see where the Lord takes us!

Another thing heavy on my heart is to finish the book I started a couple years ago. I am praying for direction and time to focus on this. I would like to tell our story, but would also like to offer support and hope. I may combine some of my Walking With You posts as I tell the story...not sure. I'd also like to write a book answering practical questions and just guiding families through the shock and grief...a resource to be used at hospitals. Maybe something for parents, and a separate guide for caregivers. Lots of ideas spiraling around in my head. We'll see what the Lord does. Please pray for our work on this book and for One Way as we spend time working on music.

Closed Doors

The previous ramblings are a great lead-in to subtitle number two of this mammoth post. I shared here about the possibility of me returning to college. My in-real-life friends are used to me bringing this up about every six months. So, they are probably not getting too excited anymore. I can't say for sure what will happen. But, I was very close to enrolling in a great distance education program. In fact, I called the enrollment department at the highly accredited university that I thought would work best for me, as I'm still working full time. I found out that the program I was interested in would give me a dual-licensure in both Special Ed. and Elementary Ed. which would be accepted in the state of Ohio, so I wouldn't have to choose! But, then came the bad news. There was an issue with student teaching in Ohio, and it would only be allowed at a private school if I attended this out-of-state university. Since I was hoping to continue working at my current position in a public school while student teaching, this wouldn't work for us. There was also a credit transfer issue. I hung up the phone thinking that for now, God had closed this door...again.

What usually happens after this door (which has been closed many times!) closes is that I come to my senses and realize that I have no time to devote to the consuming demands of college. I feel a renewed sense of devotion to the purposes that God has already called me to...my family and our ministry. I'm not sure why I always think I can do one more thing. But, it is a deception. The reality is that I could not juggle my family, ministry, church commitments, full time job, and college. Something would be compromised or forsaken all together. And there are some things on that list that cannot be compromised. I mean...you read the list of the things on my heart to do already...all the directions my mind is pulled in. What was I thinking?

It seems this closed door really opens doors for me to pursue the passions of my heart that God has already planted...the work He has begun. Now, I can focus on what He has for us...well at least as well as I ever can. =)

Which leads us to subtitle number three...

Where We Live

Our home should be our haven. Ours has been severely neglected by the keeper of the home. That would be me. I need to focus on making where we live...our home...a place of peace and order instead of messy chaos. We are busy, but there needs to be some balance, and I really need to make the "keeping of our home" more of a priority. Not just in the physical sense (although that is a big part of it), but in a spiritual sense as well. I need to be focused on this family and keeping our home, and careful that other demands for my time don't take their place on my priority list. Please pray for me, girls, as I tackle the task of organizing our basement for starters...let me tell you, it is a TASK! And, please pray for me as a wife and mama...keeping a home means more than just cleaning house physically! We need an over-all "house cleaning"!

Layers Update

If you're wondering how Operation Peeling Back the Layers (Because I like to give all my goals a title with the word "operation"...sounds more official!) is going, here's a short little update. (Even I'm getting sick of this post!) The process is still going. I made it through the agony of week three. Week four wasn't so bad. It seemed like some of my layers were falling off, along with a couple more pounds. I was feeling a little freedom and experiencing some victory, when I took a couple steps back. We had some illness issues last week/weekend. I was home with James, not working, out of my schedule. Some other emotional demands with the ministry and some friends experiencing difficult things, and before I noticed, I'd pulled some of my stinky onion layers back over me, tears on my face and Doritos in my hands. I'm not staying there, though. I will keep on keeping on. And the Lord will deliver and comfort me. His comfort lasts and the aroma in his embrace is much sweeter than in the middle of my onion.

Total weight loss - 9 pounds
Still need to lose - 16 pounds

Steel Magnolias

O.K., I have no idea why I feel compelled to add the following to this already ridiculously long post that most people have probably stopped reading by now. I also don't know why I subjected myself to watching Steel Magnolias last night, but I did. Every time I watch it, I cry buckets of tears and feel the longing in my heart so fierce in it's intensity that I try to avoid feeling it if at all possible. Let's just say that watching this movie is quite a test for the aforementioned Operation Peeling Back the Layers.

I love the gathering of women to laugh and cry and walk through life together. The generations of women facing the trials and joys of life. It is a thing of great beauty and value to me. I love the community they share. I remember as a little girl listening to the women gathering around the table and laughing together. It was many years ago, but I miss it...being with the generations of family, a place where you are known and loved for who you are. It is different when I gather with the women of my family, now. The mothers and daughters all have one another. But the generations of women around me are missing. My mother and my daughters live on in heaven, but I am living here...without them. My aunt and grandmother were sharing about a generation picture they took of all of their hands and feet, Grandma, my mother's sister, her daughter, and her daughter's daughter. Such a beautiful picture they described. And I'm glad for them that they have that. But, at the same time, my heart aches that I will not have that this side of heaven. My generations of women have been interrupted. And the longing I feel for them is beyond description.

In the movie, Steel Magnolias, Sally Fields and Julia Roberts embody the relationship I had with my own mother. Me always wanting my independence...mom making me crazy, but always being there when I really needed her. We even would have joked morbidly (and often did...as only family can) like the family in the movie as they played cards the night before the mom and daughter faced a surgery where the daughter would get her mother's kidney. The only difference is that it was me left standing by her grave and not the other way around.

I also love when Sally Fields' character shares how lucky she was to be there when "this precious soul came into the world and when she went out" (or something to that affect). Everything about that resonates with me, and it's exactly how I felt the day I held my Thomas. Only I prefer to say that I was "blessed among women" for the gift of being the one to sing to my sweet baby as he left my arms to be placed in the arms of Jesus. Needless to say the movie seems to hit all the soft places in my heart. It's just gut-wrenching, and I don't know why I subject myself to it, but I do. A good cry is cleansing, anyway!

I know the One who carries me, and He is faithful to comfort me in all of my longings and meet all of my needs. But, this is my place to write and share. So, today, I just want to say that there's no one on this earth who knew me and loved me the way she did. And, there is a loneliness left in her place. I miss the generations of women who should be surrounding me, gathering around the table laughing as those who know each other like only family can. I'm thankful for the women who do laugh and walk with me (including many of you).

But, I miss them. I just miss them.

Now, if you'll excuse me...I have a home that needs some keeping...

Walking With You ~ Threads of Hope Bible Study Giveaway

Comments closed...winners will be announced soon...




Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength. To view previous posts on Walking With You, please click on the button above.


This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.

We will be starting the Bible Study on February 25, 2010 and will continue each Thursday for a total of nine weeks. The first week in the book is where each member tells their story. Since we've already done that on Walking With You, we will start with Lesson 2 on our first session. If you are joining us for the first time, though, please share some of your story in the comments on this post or leave a link to a blog post telling about your child.

A little preparation is needed to get ready for each Thursday's post. First, you will need a Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study book. There are a few ways you can get one.

1. They can be ordered here: www.lovingandcaring.org

2. One of the sweet authors, Gwen Kik, emailed me that they are willing to share their book online for free! You can click here to download it to your computer: Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy. Thanks Gwen!

3. Or...you can leave a comment on this post and enter our giveaway to win one of five Threads of Hope Books we will be giving away this week!!

I just love a good giveaway, don't you? =) Winners will be announced Monday, along with the winner from our Women of Faith giveaway!

Women of Faith Giveaway...UPDATE

UPDATE: So far, there is just one entry! I can't believe only ONE Ohioan (or those nearby) would like a free ticket to Women of Faith! Come on girls! Contest will be closing on Monday, February 8, 2010...if anyone else wants to join in...

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I am so excited and I just can't hide it! Just trying to catch my breath....


O.K...I just hung up the phone from ordering my Women of Faith tickets for the weekend of April 30-May 1, 2010 - in Columbus, Ohio. (That in itself is very exciting!) I have been to Women of Faith a couple times and had a blast! It was a wonderful time of worship, encouragement, laughter, tears, renewal and just multiple blessings. One of my favorite things is seeing women minister to one another with the love of Jesus...and that's what Women of Faith is all about. And, those ladies are so real, you know?

O.K...so I was ordering two tickets...one for me and one for Becki (my partner in crime...ahem, I mean ministry...and the other third of Sufficient Grace). I had a tugging on my heart to order one more ticket, to bless someone by giving it away here. I tried to shrug it off and just be reasonable and order what I originally planned. When I clicked on the seating chart to find my seats, there were even three seats right next to each other on the end...just where I would like them. They are kind of high up, but I knew from experience we would still be able to see fine. Still, I hung up having only purchased two tickets. The lovely lady on the phone gave me a $20 discount, even. After I hung up, I called Becki to share my desire to give a ticket away to someone who really would like to come with us! (We were already able to invite two others who wanted to come by giving them our Friday tickets...so this would be a third person that could join in on the fun! I love how our God multiplies the blessings!) She agreed, and I called the lovely lady named Terry from the Women of Faith registration hotline (yes, the same lady answered!). I was all giddy when she said the third seat was still available, and may have even told her I loved her!!! =)

Sooooooooo...

I purchased a third ticket...

AND NOW...

WE'RE GOING TO...

GIVE IT AWAY ON THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!

Courtesy of Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and Families)

How much fun is that?!!!!!!!!!!

One blessed winner will receive a Women of Faith (Columbus) ticket for:

Friday, April 30, 2010 (10a.m.-3:30p.m.)
and
Saturday, May 1, 2010 (9:00a.m.-4:00p.m.)

A box lunch is also included for both days. You may choose to attend both days. We can give you hotel information if you choose to do that.(You will be responsible for accommodations and additional meals.) If you cannot come both days, please let us know and we will split the tickets allowing one person to attend on Friday and one on Saturday. It will be the winner's choice. Becki and I will be available to have supper with anyone wishing to meet with us both Friday and Saturday evenings. So...even if you do not win and you are going to be there...we would really like to meet with you!

To enter, just leave a comment here sharing a "woman of faith" in your life who has been a blessing and encouragement to you. And please remember...you have to be able to get yourself to Columbus, Ohio to enter!!!!

(Because I can't stand to be left out...my "woman of faith" is my friend, Dinah, who taught me how to be a wife and honor my husband when I was newly married. Love you, girl...)

This is going to be sooooooo much fun!!!!!!