Peeling Back the Layers

It's 4:00a.m. and I'm tired. I'm tired of me. I actually contemplated starting a whole new blog to share what I'm about to share. One of those anonymous (read "safe") blogs. Even as I write this, I'm not so sure that I shouldn't be writing somewhere a little safer. After all, people I know read this blog. People I see at work, at the grocery store, at church will read my words. Do I really need my thoughts all out there for the whole world to see? And who really wants to know this much about me anyway?

But the truth is...I am too tired to start another blog right now. And, quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm the type of girl who could maintain another blog. I have enough to maintain, which is why I'm here in the first place, all tired and bedraggled at 4:00a.m....because of my lack of maintaining ability.

And...it's not just that. I've been thinking that I started this blog to share more about our ministry, and how God's grace shines through our family. I want to encourage women through Sufficient Grace Ministries, and so far that has mainly included mothers who grieve the loss of their babies. But, my desire to minister to women goes deeper and further than that. If we are a ministry that wishes to reach out in Christian love and encouragement to women, why not share some of our struggles in other areas of our lives? Don't all women battle certain weaknesses and temptations? Perhaps sharing honestly about some of these other issues indeed falls under the category of ministering.

It is heavy on my heart tonight to just peel back some of the layers I've been hiding under. They are getting heavy. And, I am tired of carrying this weight, literally and figuratively. Since this is my place to write, and I don't wish to start a new blog to maintain (uggg!), I have decided to just peel back the layers right here. I hope you don't mind. And, if you do...that's O.K., too. Tonight, as I read the bible with James before bed, I was reminded of a verse that God spoke to my heart during a very tumultuous time in our family life.

John 2:23-25: Now when He was in Jerusalem at the Passover, during the feast, many believed in His name when they saw the signs which He did. But Jesus did not commit Himself to them, because He knew all men, and had no need that anyone should testify of man, for He knew what was in man.

Another version (too tired/lazy to look it up right now) says, "He knew what was in the heart of man". I remember the first time that verse pierced my heart, cutting through all the layers of my pride and issues and concerns with the opinions others may have of me. (And, believe me, that is a battle of mine. I hate to step on toes, or cause someone to dislike me or feel uncomfortable. I want to be nice, to be liked, to be respected. I care what other people think....so much so that I'm feeling a little panicky sharing some of my layers here.) I remember feeling so free when I read those verses. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me...my value isn't dependent on what is in the heart of a "man" or "woman" or anyone, except my Savior. And, He loved me enough to die for me...even when I was at my very worst.

Please don't get me wrong. I think we have a responsibility to care about our reputation and the perception others may have of us to some degree. But, to what degree? How much should the opinions of others dictate who we are and what we share? I certainly don't wish to cause anyone to have less respect for me or this ministry because I share a weakness I am battling. But, I also don't want pride to keep me from sharing something that may encourage another woman who is struggling. So, I prayerfully press on, trusting that my integrity will not be compromised by the sharing of my heart...but instead will shine through more so. If not, I trust the Lord to be my guide, and will do my best not to concern myself too much what is in the heart or opinion of others.

Several years ago, I lost 25 pounds. It was the first time in my life that I attempted to face the fact that I have an unhealthy love affair with food. It was the first time I chose discipline and obedience in this area of my life. Prior to that time, I pridefully embraced "freedom" in that particular area...only it wasn't freedom at all, but bondage rather. The first two weeks of the healthy eating plan I chose (Weight Watchers...if you're curious), were quite painful and intense for me. There were many emotions. I felt like an onion with many layers.The layers were being pulled back, and I felt exposed. Giving up unhealthy food for me was like grieving a loss, and I realized on that journey that food had a place in my life it should not have. When I was stressed, tired, excited, feeling unloved, bored, lonely or any emotion at all, I wanted to eat. And, when I tried to stop, I realized how much I depended on food to fill me in more ways than just meeting my physical needs for nutrition.

It was about more than losing weight for me. I realized that my attitude toward food was actually sin, and I was not going to be able to change it on my own. I prayed through those emotional weeks of "junk food detox"...and quoted scripture. I felt the layers of my onion being peeled away. At first, the peeling was painful, but slowly I embraced the loss of each one, realizing true freedom for the first time in my life.

I also lost twenty-five pounds, and that brought a whole new set of issues. Physically, I looked better than I had in a long time. Suddenly, I could wear anything I wanted...and it looked cute! I wanted to try different outfits...stuff I never could wear before. Tim, who has never made my weight an issue and makes me feel beautiful no matter my size, reminded me a couple times about being modest. And I soon found the balance. (I won't tell you about the time I walked out of the house in a bikini and he locked his keys in the truck because he was so distracted! Oops...I guess I just did.)

Then, there was the influence of having my always-very-thin-and-in-shape mother's approval as well as my grandmother (who always notices such things). Mom never criticized my weight and she loved me unconditionally, but I knew she noticed. Especially when I felt her approval when I lost the weight. A mother's approval is a powerful thing. And, it was a new layer to be mindful of. (Do not tie yourself to the opinions of others, Kelly....remember what is in the heart of man. We are fickle humans. Live your life before God alone.)

I won't say that it didn't feel good to have her approval and to be able to fit into cute, stylish outfits. It did. But, it didn't compare to the feeling of freedom I felt and the healthy attitude I had toward food. I was having wonderful devotion/prayer times....going to Lord instead of food, casting all my cares upon Him. I ate for physical nutrition, not to fill the void in my heart and soul. It was such an amazing gift, and I was grateful for the freedom.

I was encouraged as the Lord whispered to my heart to let go of other things that held me back, to cast off my shackles...to stop sitting it out...to embrace the dance of life. He led me to start Sufficient Grace, to take time off work and just focus on being Tim's wife and James and Timothy's mama. I was blessed with the gift of time to attend bible studies for moms and take online classes. No longer an onion covered in layers, I blossomed. (Is it wrong that I'm thinking of a yummy, deep-fried Onion Blossom dipped in southwestern sauce....or maybe some honey-mustard? Sorry....I'm getting off track.)

I walked in my new freedom for a few years. Slowly, though, I have crawled back into my stinky onion cocoon, layer by layer. It's interesting how painful the peeling off of the layers is at first, and then it starts to feel good as I realize with the passing of each layer I embrace new freedom. The putting back on of layers is the opposite. It feels good at first, harmless. It lures me in, wooing me with a sense of familiar comfort. It feels like a safe place to hide. Safe from the pain of cancer, safe from suffering, safe from grief, safe from my shortcomings, the piles of unfolded laundry, my increasing lack of organization. A numb, safe place. But, then as layer by layer is added on, I start to feel trapped and suffocated. I cannot move, and the more I try on my own, the more entangled I become. It becomes clear, this isn't a safe place at all. Right now, I'm tired of carrying these heavy layers.

I hate getting all heavy and dramatic about this. I'd much rather just make a joke about how I've never met a Dorito that I didn't like...and keep on eating my Doritos. In fact, I probably will keep on eating them...just now I'll have the Baked kind! It really isn't even about food. It's about the place I've given to food in my life. And not just food, but other things. Reading blogs, wasting time on facebook, watching TV...none of these things in themselves are bad. What I'm struggling with is that some of it I've done, instead of going to the Lord. I've been running...escaping...not stopping enough to listen to His voice. Just going...way too much...out in my own strength.

Pastor James gave a message last week where he invited us to share something that we are struggling with... an area where we would like to remain accountable to one another. Something we could pray for and encourage each other in for the coming year. It's funny. I felt too shy to share mine on Sunday, but I'm pouring it out here for anyone to read. I trust he will read it here, too. Along with strangers, friends, blog friends, acquaintances, people who love me, people who couldn't care less about me, people who may judge me for sharing this, people I wish weren't reading it. As I digest that thought, I will try to remember that my identity is in Jesus Christ and I am a new creation in Him. (Plus...there's always the possibility that no one will read it. After all, it's pretty long!) It is my hope to encourage someone else, and in doing so, if it makes me look less than perfect, so be it. I am...way less than perfect. But, you already know that! =)

If you have time, I hope you'll pray for me as I seek the Lord and trust Him to peel back each layer. And, I'd love to pray for you, too. If you're still reading this post, and you have your own layers you'd like to get rid of, please feel free to share them. You can also email me if you don't want to share them here. I posted a new discussion in the forum on my sidebar, too if you'd like to join in. Our God is a gentle, patient teacher, you know. And He doesn't give up on us. In the movie, Blindside, the very strong female character, Mrs. Tooley is talking to her husband about the boy they adopted. Her patient husband tells her Michael is like an onion with layers that need to be pulled back one at a time. She says..."Not if you use a knife". (Love the character by the way...and I can relate. She just wants to cut to the chase, and get it done. And, she loves control. Aye, aye, aye...how I can relate!) Thankfully, our God doesn't work that way. He patiently, gently works in us in His time, peeling away each layer, making beauty...even out of stinky onions like me. This time around, I look forward to the peeling...even the painful part...knowing that it will bring the sweet taste of freedom that waits for me beneath these layers.