Walking With You ~ A Precious Goodbye

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing about saying good-bye and experiencing the memorial service or funeral if applicable. You may visit previous posts by clicking on the Walking With You button above. If you are just joining us, we you may share whatever part of your journey you wish. You may link your post on the new MckLinky below this post.

Sharing the Journey

Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this? ~ John 11:25-26

I have shared before that I do not visit the cemetery often. This week is a rather difficult place to re-visit, and one I generally avoid. I would much rather focus on the hope of heaven than on the seeming finality of the grave. Knowing that our eyes should be fixed not on the seen (physical world) but on the unseen (eternal, heavenly world). But, I do feel it is important to share the pieces of our journey because there is a reassurance in knowing that we are not alone on this walk. There is a healing in the telling of the story. And every piece of our journey is another part of the tapestry that God is weaving into our lives. And all of it has value and beauty...even if it's the kind that comes from ashes.

Faith and Grace

The first time I heard the word funeral in regard to my children, I was in the delivery room. I remember thinking that it seemed cruel. I hadn't thought past the delivering of my babies...still shocked that there would be a labor and delivery. I hadn't decided if I would hold my girls. It all seemed so strange and foreign...so surreal. I didn't know how one faced the death of a baby in a place where new life should exist. Now, they were saying that we needed to plan a funeral.

I did hold my babies, as you know if you've been here before. And, slowly the reality of what was happening sunk in. I realized that these were my children, and a funeral would indeed be necessary. Still too weak and overwhelmed...too shocked and overcome with grief to plan a funeral, I left the planning to my mother. I asked that she find identical pink lace dresses with ribbons for the girls. She picked out the casket, met with the funeral home and shopped for the dresses (which has it's own story...but I'll share it another time.) I cried in my hospital bed. I did ask our pastor to perform the graveside service.

We were very protective of Faith and Grace and of ourselves. We did not want anyone around us who may judge us or make an inappropriate comment about our girls. They were bruised and broken...although quite beautiful. Our extended family is quite large and not always supportive of one another. Our parents are divorced and re-married. There was a lot of brokenness and tension. We just couldn't accommodate all of that in the midst of our grief. Our mothers and stepfathers were there for a brief viewing the night before the funeral. We held each other and cried. My mother thought to take pictures. If those pictures would have turned out, they would be the only ones I would ever share with others (not because I am ashamed, but because we are protective parents)...but, sadly they did not turn out. Faith and Grace looked beautiful, laying side by side in the white casket with pale pink lining in their pink lace dresses, and their dainty faces side-by-side. They had bonnets on their heads that were too big, but just made them even more precious.

It was a dark gray day in early November. The chill in the air matched the chill in my heart. I can't remember anything that was said by the pastor at our graveside service. I can only remember standing by the side of their grave...and the emptiness I felt. I stood with tears streaming down my face...frozen, unable to move away from the place where my daughters lay. Tim stood beside me in silence for a few moments.

"It's time to go," he said.

"I can't," I cried. "I can't leave my babies here in this cold place. I don't know how to do this."

I felt his arms around me as he said, "They aren't here. They are in heaven, and they will always be in our hearts."

Slowly, he led me away as I leaned on him for the strength to take each step.
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Thomas

With Thomas, we were given the gift of time. We knew in advance that we should prepare for a funeral (even as we prayed for a miracle). I wish that I knew more than I did, but I certainly was more prepared than I was when we lost Faith and Grace. This time, I knew babies could die. I knew more than I wanted to know about what that was like. I chose the scriptures that I wanted read, the songs I wanted sung, the outfit he would wear, and the people who could attend. Still protective of our grief and one another, I respected Tim's desire that we keep the funeral private, inviting only a few people. I now wish we would have been able to have more people meet our Thomas. I think they would have a better understanding of our grief and this sweet life that was lost. And, I think they would have been blessed to know him...to meet our precious son. I also wish that we would have allowed Timothy (our son, who was 4 at the time) to be more involved. I wish I would have brought him to the hospital, and included him in the entire funeral. I did bring him to the viewing and allow him to meet Thomas there. Our friends Dan and Dinah were there. Our mothers and stepfathers, our brothers, and Ginny (the one who walked with me). Thomas was beautiful...taking our breath away. He was wearing a baby blue soft outfit I had chosen for him, and his casket was white, lined in blue. He was covered in a white blanket my mother made with her own hands, a cross with a little boy praying, and a little teddy bear dressed in blue.

The day was beautiful...a blue sky with fluffy, billowing white clouds. A picture identical to the one we had chosen for the cover of Thomas' program and thank you notes. Our friend, Dan, gave a beautiful message, shared comforting scripture, and prayed. We all sang Amazing Grace. I had wanted to sing a song myself and was unsure if I would be able to. But, I stood and smiled as the breezed swept past my cheek and the sun shone on my face. When I opened my mouth to sing, the words poured out.

"When this journey is finally over,
And life's sun sets at last,
Will I find your hand in my hand?
Oh and all life's sorrows past.
Just to stand in Thy fair city,
With the multitudes unknown,
Is the goal of my heart only,
Just to sit before Your throne.
Just to sit before Your throne."

(not sure of the name of the song or the author?)

That's all I can remember. The beauty of the day, the song on my lips, the peace in my heart...and the undeniable presence of the One who put it there.

*Please excuse the wind and poor sound quality on this video taken with my little digital camera. This was a recent (and rare) visit I originally posted in May.



...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
~Revelation 7:17b
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Resources
If you are waiting for the birth of your baby, and facing the possibility of a funeral, there are some resources that may be helpful in the planning. I share these to help prevent regrets. Please just do what seems best for your family. Don't worry about how others may view your decisions. They are not walking this path. It is yours to walk, and you are free to do it your way.

A helpful little book:
Planning a Precious Good-bye ~ (can be ordered at A Place to Remember)

Websites:
Someone recently passed this site on to me to share with you. (Thanks Kristie!) This site provides caskets and burial items: http://www.heavensgain.com/

Another organization that provides for funeral needs:
http://heavenlyangelsinneed.com/

For memory-making materials, burial gowns, memory books, other items and support, visit:
Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and families)
We will gladly send you what you need. We do not charge bereaved parents for our services.

Organizations that help with funeral expenses for parents:
http://oliviaraine.org/
Angel Names
http://www.emmazinggracefoundation.org/
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Prayer Request
My prayer request is for good weather this Saturday... and the Lord's blessing and protection for our continued preparations for the Sufficient Grace Golf Outing. And also for the Lord's continued guidance as we serve in this ministry and for some important upcoming family decisions. Most of all, for His continued comfort and sufficient grace for all of those walking this path.
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Thank you again for your willingness to walk with us and for allowing us the privilege of Walking With You. I know that it has been a hard couple weeks. These posts are so emotional. We are to grieve with hope, and I promise, more hopeful posts are coming. I wanted to break down our journey into steps so that we could focus on each piece. Next week, we will talk about the early days of grief. And slowly, we will make our way together as the stories unfold to the place where mourning turns to dancing. I promise those of you who are in the thick of it...you will dance again. And your dance will be even more beautiful than it was before the mourning.
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