Updated: Walking With You ~ Naming our Babies

Updated: I'm sorry the MckLinky was not up earlier. I forgot to add it last night before posting. I also added information about our other children's names and Faith, Grace, and Thomas' middle names below.

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing how we chose the names for our babies and any special meaning behind them.

I have previously written about the reason we chose the names for our babies in a couple older posts. I copied and pasted from those posts here. (Hope you don't mind...but it seemed a little easier than re-writing what has already been said.)Truth be told, I am so grateful that Shannon suggested we share about naming our babies this week. These past few weeks, our walk has been an emotional one. Last week felt especially heavy as I walked with each of you, re-visiting days of great sorrow. (Please do not get me wrong...It is a great privilege to walk with all of you, and I'm so grateful that you are sharing your stories...sharing your sweet babies.) While I feel it is important to share our stories, I want to remain focused on the hope we have in the Lord. We do not grieve as those without hope. Our sweet babies are alive in heaven. And, I look forward this week, to sharing something special about them...something joyful. Each of us gave our sweet babies a gift...a gift with meaning, from the heart. The gift of a name. A name we continue to hold in our hearts until we meet again. A name we long to hear...a name we ache for the world to recognize. A name that says this life mattered...this person was here.

It still blesses my soul when I hear someone mention the names of my Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Even so many years later, I long to hear their names spoken. Let's face it, we moms love to talk about our kids. We love to tell funny stories about the things they do. We love to take pride in their accomplishments and seek comfort when we are concerned for them. We love to see them soar...to spread their wings and fly. I love to watch James slide into home plate, hit the ball to the outfield. Love to watch Timothy keep his cool on the pitcher's mound and steal home. I love to watch the natural beauty of his golf swing. Love when they make good choices, learn lessons from not-so-good choices, and laugh their individual laughs. It's no different for my children who are no longer on this earth. I love to hear their names, to talk about them and wonder what their life is like in heaven. I love to see the effect their lives have had on others. It sort of feels like I'm watching them spread their wings to fly when someone finds comfort in our journey. Whether our little ones are with us or not, we are moms just the same. And each of our sweet babies have a name.

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10



When I was expecting our twin daughters, Faith and Grace, there were many complications. I lay awake in a hospital bed for weeks, praying, waiting, hoping, resisting doubt and fear. When we heard that we were expecting identical twin daughters, almost immediately, Ephesians 2:8 came into my mind. For it is by grace through faith you have been saved... Grace has always been my favorite name, and that verse has always spoken to my heart. It was not something I did to earn salvation, but a precious gift from our Savior. So, it seemed fitting. And, they no longer were known as Baby A and Baby B, but Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine. I've been talking a little about names and what it means to have someone know your name. Their names had deep meaning, and more than I even realized.

Webster's definition of grace: "unmerited help given to the people by God....". Unmerited. Undeserved. Given freely, not because of anything we did or could ever do to earn it. Grace that covers us. Grace that is given to us daily in a sufficient portion to meet our needs. Abundant, beautiful grace. Grace that saves...grace that carries...grace that comforts. I learned about His grace through being their mother. And I kept learning long after they left this earth.

At first, I thought that they were just beautiful names from a meaningful verse. When asked by one of our doctors why I chose the names Faith and Grace, I said, "Because it's going to take a lot of both to get through this!" But, even their situation...twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome made sense with the words in the scripture. Because in the condition of twin-to-twin the "lines are crossed", so to speak. One baby, (Faith) gets too much fluid, blood flow, and nourishment, and the other (Grace) doesn't get enough. In essence, Grace literally received her nourishment, her life...through Faith. And they were intertwined. Needing one another for survival.

Interesting...It is by grace through faith that we are saved. What I didn't know is that there would be more. Carrying and saying good-bye to my Faith and Grace was only the beginning of learning about the faith and grace spoken of in these verses. Carrying our Thomas, we learned about true faith. Not the pretty word we Christians throw around...thinking it has something to do with us. Somehow, if we just have enough faith. Oh boy, do we miss the boat on that one. True faith is not some pretty little thing. It is found in the nitty-gritty journey through this life. It is not never feeling doubt or fear, but trusting in God anyway, when you are most afraid and filled with doubt and questions. Trusting when you don't see. Believing without seeing. Believing when you don't get the answer you want or when there seems to be no answer at all. Praising Him in the storm. Trusting Him to carry you. Surrendering to the arms of our sovereign God. Blessing Him when He gives and when He takes away. It's not about how much faith I have or how strong it is. It's about how mighty, able, powerful, all-knowing, merciful and good my God is.

So many times, we want to see the miracles with our eyes. We want proof that He is there. Proof that He hasn't forsaken us. Proof that He lives. Proof that He will carry us. Proof that His grace is sufficient. We want to see. Never have I ached to see Him more than when we heard the words "incompatible with life" in reference to our son Thomas. I have shared about part of that journey before, but today, I want to focus on the precious gift Thomas' life gave to us...the reason he is called Thomas. His life taught us about "believing without seeing."

Now Thomas, called the Twin, one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples therefore said to him, "We have seen the Lord." So he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." And after eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, "Peace to you!" Then He said to Thomas, "Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into my side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing."
And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!"
Jesus said to him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. ~ John 20:24-29

While awaiting the birth of our sweet Thomas, we didn't see. Daily, it was a walk of faith to put one foot in front of the other. What would be at the end of the journey? Would the Lord work a miracle and save my Thomas? He is able. Would He choose to? Did I believe enough? I believed He could. I believed that with God all things are possible. But would He? Would He meet us there when the time came to say good-bye to our baby? Would His grace be sufficient? Was Thomas being harmed in my womb without enough amniotic fluid? Was he still alive? Would our marriage survive? We couldn't see. How I longed for Him to show Himself to me. I waited and prayed, searching His word daily. Searching for Him.

And, He showed Himself to me. I believed when I couldn't see. And I prayed when I was too weak to believe. And He came. He lives. His grace was sufficient. He showed Himself to me when I held sweet Thomas. He was there in the songs that were lifted from my mouth to the heavens in praise of my King and He carried our sweet baby boy home. He said, "Here I am." And I could almost reach out and touch the holes in His hands. He came. He lives.


If carrying Thomas taught us about faith, then meeting him taught us about grace. The all-sufficiency of His grace meeting us in that place of unknown sorrows. And replacing what Satan meant to break us, to destroy us, to darken our hearts forever...with joy overflowing as we met our son. As he filled my arms, and as the presence of the Lord filled the room. I sang, "O Lord, You're beautiful...Your face is all I seek...For when your eyes are on this child...Your grace abounds to me." And it did. It abounded, surrounded, lifted and carried me.

And none of it...not one ounce of it was about the strength of my faith, or my ability to conjure up or earn one ounce of the unmerited gift of grace poured out over me. It was only the beginning of the outpouring. It has flowed freely into my life since the moment I asked Jesus to come in.
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ADDED: I just realized I didn't mention how we chose the names for our two boys that are with us. Timothy James is our firstborn. He is named after his father and grandfather. His name means "to honor God". James Henry is also named after Tim's and my grandfathers. He is our youngest son. His name (although not at all chosen because this. I actually didn't know the meaning until this morning when I looked it up online.) means "to replace". Interesting. To us, it is just a biblical name that also honored our family. I also forgot to mention the middle names of Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Faith Elizabeth (just because I liked how Elizabeth sounds with Faith). Grace Katherine (because my mom's name is Kathy). Thomas Patrick (because my father's name is Patrick).
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Next week we will be sharing about the early days of grief. We will spend a few weeks talking about different aspects and phases of grief and it's affects on the relationships in our lives. We will choose specific subjects to focus on for that week.
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I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my blogiversary post. It's not too late to enter the giveaway by leaving a comment on that post. I'll be announcing the winner on Friday. Your sweet words blessed and encouraged me. I love all of you so much, and cherish the friendships I have found here in blogland.

One Year Blogiversary and a Giveaway

Today is my one year blogiversary! I wanted to post something really great and profound about what blogging has meant to me and how much I appreciate this amazing community. But, the truth is...I'm so tired that the words are blurring on the page as I type. So, I'm not really sure if anything of value will come out right now.

The thing is, I love words. We have shared a love affair for as long as I can remember. Love to read them, to speak them, and most of all...to write them. I love to learn new words, and to string them together in a beautiful flow of thought. (That's the goal anyway!)I get really excited when I hear my children using a diverse vocabulary. Today, in Wal-Mart (in the middle of a showdown over a Transformer toy that did not come home with us!) James said, "I'm going to be so glum today...for the rest of this day I will be glum." Even in the midst of my annoyance over his behavior, I had to smile at his glorious use of the word glum.

I have been given many words. They sort of ooze from me. I was voted "most talkative" in high school (that hasn't really changed, my IRL friends can attest), was recommended for the National Speech and Drama Award and adored Advanced Composition. If only all the classes were Advanced Composition. Who needs math anyway? I remember riding the school bus and dreamily wondering if I would be able to achieve my dream of becoming a writer one day. (In addition to my dreams of being an actress or maybe a singer...there were certainly options in dreamland!)

Many of those dreams were set aside for new dreams, as I became a young wife and mother. And, it was certainly a worthy trade. The words, however never left. And, in time, the Lord entered my heart and began to weave a story the likes of which I had never imagined. It was actually a story that began long before. You know, the funny thing about the tapestry He weaves in our lives (and another on the long list of things I love about the way God works!) is that He doesn't waste anything. He weaves it all together...the good, the bad, the ugly, the desires of our heart, our abilities, our personalities, our hopes, our dreams, our joys, our sorrows, everything that makes us who we are. And, somehow what comes out is a beautiful masterpiece that brings Him pleasure and glory. He created each of us for a unique purpose. And He will use the special things that make us who we are to fulfill that purpose. Isn't that amazing? You are who you are for a reason. And He can use you...just as you are. You are beautiful to Him. You are His masterpiece. I love how He works!

O.K....I'm getting a little rambly (did I mention I like to make up words, too). So, I'll just skip to the point. About five years ago, I entered a little contest (at the prompting of my in real life friend, Lynette T.) hosted by Family Christian Stores. They wanted to put together an anthology of short stories that would encourage, inspire, and reveal God's hand in our lives. So, I wrote about my Faith, Grace, and Thomas...the most I had ever known of the love and grace of my Savior. And...my story was published (among several others of course)! It was so exciting. I know, it was just a little contest...and just a short story. But, the writer in me was blessed beyond words to see my name in print along with the other authors...in a book. And to know that others would know the story of my Faith, Grace, and Thomas. And...even more, that their lives would be used to bring comfort and hope by pointing others toward the Lord. What a gift.

It was the beginning of the idea God planted in my heart to write the Dreams of You Memory Book for grieving families to honor the lives of their babies...the beginning of Sufficient Grace Ministries, and all that has grown from those first steps. Someday (maybe soon) I hope to complete my own book, fully telling the story of His grace in our lives... to offer encouragement and hope to grieving families. And, for now, I am so blessed to write on this blog. To walk with you...and to find encouragement as you walk with me. You have no idea how your words encourage me to continue on when I grow weary. I have found so much love and support in blog land. And, truly...this blog family has blessed my soul.




So...I would like to celebrate this first year of blogging by giving away a copy of Encounters With God (the book containing my little short story on pg. 67). There are other inspiring stories throughout the book. Some are better than others, so if you read one that you don't like, keep reading. There are a variety of topics...all sharing an "encounter with God". To enter the giveaway, please leave a comment below. Followers get a second entry!

Also...just wanted to share that today is our sweet Thomas Patrick's birthday. He would be 11 years old today. I can't imagine the birthday parties in heaven...but I bet they are great fun! Happy Birthday sweet boy! We love you!

Oh...and one more thing for those participating in Walking With You...we are changing the topic for Walking With You this week. The topic will be Choosing the Names for our Babies...and the Meaning Behind their names instead of The Early Days of Grief. We will begin talking about grieving the following Thursday and will spend several weeks sharing different aspects of the grief process. Thanks so much to Shannon for suggesting the topic.

Love to all...and thanks so much for walking with me...flaws and all...

A Sneak Peak of the Sufficient Grace Golf Outing...and I'm Gonna have Fun Like It's My Birthday!

Just wanted to thank everyone again who supported the Sufficient Grace Ministries Golf Outing! And a special thank you to my friend, Dawn Marshall, who baked in the hot sun photographing the event for us! Love you, Dawn and can't wait to get the photos so that I can share them here! But I do have a sneak peek of some pics that I took with my own little camera.

There were 8 teams or 32 people participating in the event.(a little down from last year when we had 13). There were twenty hole sponsors, a (non-alcoholic) beverage sponsor, a dinner sponsor, and a cart sponsor. Door prizes were also donated. I haven't run the final figures, but Sufficient Grace probably earned between $2500-$3000 from the event! Thanks everyone!

The day began with a rain storm, but there was sunshine by tee time and all was well. My golf game, however, not so much! Team Sufficient Grace, the only all-girl team finished dead last! But we had a blast. There were chunks flying and giggles galore. It was a great time. And we are so thankful for our sweet friends who could share the day with us!

Here are a few pics of team Sufficient Grace. Stay tuned...when I get the pictures from Dawn, there will be more pics of others who shared the day with us.

Kelly "Chunkalicious" Gerken (because of the way I hit...not a reference to my body type which may or may not be a true description!) When I hit, chunks of ground fly up in protest. This misery went on all day...but I kept smiling. =)


Nicki "Scoots" Strunk (also in reference to hitting)
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Raechal "Fee-Fee" "Ice-Ice Baby" Feehan (Fee can hit off the tee further than any girl I know...except for sometimes Scoots who also has the uncanny ability to hit like a man, when not scooting, of course. Thanks for carrying our team girls.)


Becki "sink that putt" Burner who lended both her putting skills and her caddy skills to the day in addition to her delicious strawberry cake, which I will be enjoying for my birthday today as well.


Remember my motto, if you can't be good at something, you better at least look cute doing it. I think that was achieved!


And...fun is also required!


And now...I'm off to have fun like it's my birthday...because it is!

Thanks again to everyone who helped support the event! There will pics of sponsor signs and an official thank you listing all those who gave posted soon. Love to all...

Walking With You ~ A Precious Goodbye

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing about saying good-bye and experiencing the memorial service or funeral if applicable. You may visit previous posts by clicking on the Walking With You button above. If you are just joining us, we you may share whatever part of your journey you wish. You may link your post on the new MckLinky below this post.

Sharing the Journey

Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this? ~ John 11:25-26

I have shared before that I do not visit the cemetery often. This week is a rather difficult place to re-visit, and one I generally avoid. I would much rather focus on the hope of heaven than on the seeming finality of the grave. Knowing that our eyes should be fixed not on the seen (physical world) but on the unseen (eternal, heavenly world). But, I do feel it is important to share the pieces of our journey because there is a reassurance in knowing that we are not alone on this walk. There is a healing in the telling of the story. And every piece of our journey is another part of the tapestry that God is weaving into our lives. And all of it has value and beauty...even if it's the kind that comes from ashes.

Faith and Grace

The first time I heard the word funeral in regard to my children, I was in the delivery room. I remember thinking that it seemed cruel. I hadn't thought past the delivering of my babies...still shocked that there would be a labor and delivery. I hadn't decided if I would hold my girls. It all seemed so strange and foreign...so surreal. I didn't know how one faced the death of a baby in a place where new life should exist. Now, they were saying that we needed to plan a funeral.

I did hold my babies, as you know if you've been here before. And, slowly the reality of what was happening sunk in. I realized that these were my children, and a funeral would indeed be necessary. Still too weak and overwhelmed...too shocked and overcome with grief to plan a funeral, I left the planning to my mother. I asked that she find identical pink lace dresses with ribbons for the girls. She picked out the casket, met with the funeral home and shopped for the dresses (which has it's own story...but I'll share it another time.) I cried in my hospital bed. I did ask our pastor to perform the graveside service.

We were very protective of Faith and Grace and of ourselves. We did not want anyone around us who may judge us or make an inappropriate comment about our girls. They were bruised and broken...although quite beautiful. Our extended family is quite large and not always supportive of one another. Our parents are divorced and re-married. There was a lot of brokenness and tension. We just couldn't accommodate all of that in the midst of our grief. Our mothers and stepfathers were there for a brief viewing the night before the funeral. We held each other and cried. My mother thought to take pictures. If those pictures would have turned out, they would be the only ones I would ever share with others (not because I am ashamed, but because we are protective parents)...but, sadly they did not turn out. Faith and Grace looked beautiful, laying side by side in the white casket with pale pink lining in their pink lace dresses, and their dainty faces side-by-side. They had bonnets on their heads that were too big, but just made them even more precious.

It was a dark gray day in early November. The chill in the air matched the chill in my heart. I can't remember anything that was said by the pastor at our graveside service. I can only remember standing by the side of their grave...and the emptiness I felt. I stood with tears streaming down my face...frozen, unable to move away from the place where my daughters lay. Tim stood beside me in silence for a few moments.

"It's time to go," he said.

"I can't," I cried. "I can't leave my babies here in this cold place. I don't know how to do this."

I felt his arms around me as he said, "They aren't here. They are in heaven, and they will always be in our hearts."

Slowly, he led me away as I leaned on him for the strength to take each step.
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Thomas

With Thomas, we were given the gift of time. We knew in advance that we should prepare for a funeral (even as we prayed for a miracle). I wish that I knew more than I did, but I certainly was more prepared than I was when we lost Faith and Grace. This time, I knew babies could die. I knew more than I wanted to know about what that was like. I chose the scriptures that I wanted read, the songs I wanted sung, the outfit he would wear, and the people who could attend. Still protective of our grief and one another, I respected Tim's desire that we keep the funeral private, inviting only a few people. I now wish we would have been able to have more people meet our Thomas. I think they would have a better understanding of our grief and this sweet life that was lost. And, I think they would have been blessed to know him...to meet our precious son. I also wish that we would have allowed Timothy (our son, who was 4 at the time) to be more involved. I wish I would have brought him to the hospital, and included him in the entire funeral. I did bring him to the viewing and allow him to meet Thomas there. Our friends Dan and Dinah were there. Our mothers and stepfathers, our brothers, and Ginny (the one who walked with me). Thomas was beautiful...taking our breath away. He was wearing a baby blue soft outfit I had chosen for him, and his casket was white, lined in blue. He was covered in a white blanket my mother made with her own hands, a cross with a little boy praying, and a little teddy bear dressed in blue.

The day was beautiful...a blue sky with fluffy, billowing white clouds. A picture identical to the one we had chosen for the cover of Thomas' program and thank you notes. Our friend, Dan, gave a beautiful message, shared comforting scripture, and prayed. We all sang Amazing Grace. I had wanted to sing a song myself and was unsure if I would be able to. But, I stood and smiled as the breezed swept past my cheek and the sun shone on my face. When I opened my mouth to sing, the words poured out.

"When this journey is finally over,
And life's sun sets at last,
Will I find your hand in my hand?
Oh and all life's sorrows past.
Just to stand in Thy fair city,
With the multitudes unknown,
Is the goal of my heart only,
Just to sit before Your throne.
Just to sit before Your throne."

(not sure of the name of the song or the author?)

That's all I can remember. The beauty of the day, the song on my lips, the peace in my heart...and the undeniable presence of the One who put it there.

*Please excuse the wind and poor sound quality on this video taken with my little digital camera. This was a recent (and rare) visit I originally posted in May.



...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
~Revelation 7:17b
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Resources
If you are waiting for the birth of your baby, and facing the possibility of a funeral, there are some resources that may be helpful in the planning. I share these to help prevent regrets. Please just do what seems best for your family. Don't worry about how others may view your decisions. They are not walking this path. It is yours to walk, and you are free to do it your way.

A helpful little book:
Planning a Precious Good-bye ~ (can be ordered at A Place to Remember)

Websites:
Someone recently passed this site on to me to share with you. (Thanks Kristie!) This site provides caskets and burial items: http://www.heavensgain.com/

Another organization that provides for funeral needs:
http://heavenlyangelsinneed.com/

For memory-making materials, burial gowns, memory books, other items and support, visit:
Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and families)
We will gladly send you what you need. We do not charge bereaved parents for our services.

Organizations that help with funeral expenses for parents:
http://oliviaraine.org/
Angel Names
http://www.emmazinggracefoundation.org/
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Prayer Request
My prayer request is for good weather this Saturday... and the Lord's blessing and protection for our continued preparations for the Sufficient Grace Golf Outing. And also for the Lord's continued guidance as we serve in this ministry and for some important upcoming family decisions. Most of all, for His continued comfort and sufficient grace for all of those walking this path.
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Thank you again for your willingness to walk with us and for allowing us the privilege of Walking With You. I know that it has been a hard couple weeks. These posts are so emotional. We are to grieve with hope, and I promise, more hopeful posts are coming. I wanted to break down our journey into steps so that we could focus on each piece. Next week, we will talk about the early days of grief. And slowly, we will make our way together as the stories unfold to the place where mourning turns to dancing. I promise those of you who are in the thick of it...you will dance again. And your dance will be even more beautiful than it was before the mourning.
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We are now using MckLinky! To add your post, click on the link as instructed. Where it says title, please put your name. Then add the address to your post in the other spot provided. If you have trouble, just email me: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com.

The Gift of Right Now

Welcome to this week's Tuesdays Together in the Word and a combined Wednesdays Walk. Both seemed fitting. To join us, please click on the button below:







Therefore, be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. ~ James 5:7-8

When my oldest son, Timothy was young, I was quite confident in my own abilities as a mother. My ideas about parenting were very black and white. If you do x,y, and z you will achieve certain results. While far from perfect, I was consistent in discipline, abundant in love and nurturing, and taught him God's word as well as his A,B,C's. I also cared for several other children in my home day care. It was a joyous season of life. I was a young mom, and able to juggle my motherhood duties with ease. I potty-trained several boys at once without flinching, cooked lunch daily for a hungry brood, lassoed the little ones for story-time and naptime, sang to them, taught them to pray, laughed with them, survived the chicken pox plague of 1990-something, and counted it all joy. I thought that if I just did it all right, my child would turn out a certain way. He would be obedient, love the Lord, love America, love his mama, and just be a fine young man. While all of those things may very well come to pass (and in many ways have), I have learned a little since the days of my early motherhood. Some things that have turned my mommy-philosophies upside down and inside out.The path to getting to that point is not going to be as smooth as I once envisioned. It may not look anything like my plan, but it may bring forth fruit that I could never have imagined.

I was one of those moms who swelled with pride, thinking that my child's good behavior was a result of my successful parenting. I would sit at a restaurant with my well-behaved Timothy, looking at other wiggling children...thinking that those parents must not have taught their children to sit still in a restaurant. Tsk...tsk...

Then, it happened. Two things that have turned my mommy-world upside down.

1. My oldest son entered adolescence, and formed his own strong opinions, some of which are not of those that I so carefully taught him. He is trying to find his own way in this world, deciding what he thinks of this or that. I remember being shocked when we entered this season...shocked with the possibility that he would not necessarily choose to follow what we had always taught. (which actually for the most part, he has chosen well, so far. It's just the possibility that vexes me.) Shocked by the sudden lack of control. Shocked that my ideas of parenting a certain way to achieve a certain result were not fool-proof.

2. God gave us James. James has never fit exactly into a rigid mold with all my iron-clad ideas of mothering. He has always marched to the beat of his own drummer, requiring creative, purposeful parenting. James was the little boy wiggling in the restaurant...no matter how many times I would take him out to eat and encourage him in the art of sitting still. (As a matter of fact, an appalled mother sitting near us, once leaned over the booth and said, "Could you please make him stop being so obnoxious?" Granted, her disdain in my opinion was not warranted. James (maybe 2 at the time) was walking back and forth on the booth and smiling when he got to me, putting his arms around me and giving me a bear hug. The woman was in the booth behind us. And she was afraid he might bump her when he reached to hug me. He likes to live life large...and loud. He ran up the church aisle at the bible school program screaming like a wild, crazed native, having somehow escaped my grasp and removed his shirt in one fell swoop. I stood horrified as everyone else laughed. Poison control knew my voice by the time he reached his first birthday. He's had a cheerio up his nose, swallowed a lego, been stuck in a swing, and choked on dryer lint (don't ask). He has always had his quirks. Some of them easy to adjust to, and others that are more challenging. Parenting him has been a stretching experience... incredibly joyful and requiring a great deal of focus and energy.

And...to all of this, I say...what a gift. What a freeing gift these boys have been to my life. Yes, my mothering-ideas have been turned upside-down. I have learned that I truly need to trust the Lord for their lives as well as my own. I am going to mess up and so are they. (By the way, I don't judge other parents anymore...especially when their children are wiggling in the restaurant.) They are individuals, created by God...not little mini-me's meant to fit a mold of my choosing. (By the way...about the mini-me thing. It's really not that appealing. What our children often magnify are the qualities in ourselves we would rather not have revealed let alone magnified!) While it is important and necessary to keep planting seeds of God's word, wisdom, and truth...they may not grow exactly the way I have in mind. And, the growing takes time. There is a shaping and molding in the hands of our loving God. We can plant and water the seeds, but it is God who gives the increase. Like a farmer waiting for his crop to yield it's fruit, we must wait patiently for the seeds to grow.

God is teaching me about grace with my children...and grace for me as their mother. Every time their behavior was less than perfect, I used to wonder what I was doing wrong. (Incidentally, this attitude was never fruitful for any of us.) I would get focused on their performance and mine, forgetting the more important thing. Forgetting the importance of love and relationship. I am still learning. But, His grace is sufficient...for me and for them. Most of the battles are better fought on our knees in prayer.

I leave you with this...a lesson that even as I was teaching, it was I who was being taught. James and I were on a bike ride a couple days ago. He was so caught up in what we were going to do after the bike ride...so anxious about whether we would go swimming or not, that he was missing the joy of the bike ride. The sky was blue with big, fluffy clouds. The birds were singing. There was a slight breeze, and it was the perfect temperature. All around us was beauty, and the world seemed to sing praises to the Creator. But James was missing it. He was grumbling and complaining...missing the opportunity for joy. I could have simply scolded him, given a lecture and let my own joy slip away in the process. (Something I have probably done many times.) Instead, I smiled.

"James, stop your bike and sit under this tree with me, " I said as I pulled off the road and into the grass at the park.

"Why? What are we doing," he half-heartedly grumbled with an anxious sigh.

"Sit down, honey. You are so worried about what is going to happen next, you are missing the gift of what's happening right now."

As the words left my mouth, I knew that they were as much for me as they were for him. God was speaking to my own heart, teaching me the very thing that was being spoken to James with my own lips.

"Look at the sky. See how blue it is. See the different shapes the clouds make. Now, close your eyes. What do you hear?"

At first he said stubbornly frowning, "I hear kids swimming at the pool. And I'm not."

I smiled again, "What else do you hear?"

"The wind moving the trees."

"Birds."

"Children laughing."

"The motor of a car driving."

We opened our eyes, and talked about how we can see the wind blowing the trees but we can't see the wind. Kind of like we can't see God, but we can see the what He does in our lives. We can see the world that He made. Peace settled on James' face and mine.

"God gave us the gift of this beautiful day. Right now, we are on a bike ride. We have the opportunity to enjoy it, or miss out worrying about something else."

"Can we get back to the ride, now?" James asked.

So, off we went...riding our bikes...surrounded by the beauty of the world God made...living in the moment, relishing the gift of right now. I think He was smiling with us, don't you?

Some Coming Events...UPDATED: and a Little Journey to The Shack

It's been an eventful summer for Sufficient Grace Ministries. We started out with intentions to host a couple little fundraisers...maybe an Ice Cream Social (which we had to cancel due to scheduling conflicts) and our second golf outing (which will take place July 11, 2009). In the meantime, God laid it on our hearts to start the Walking With You online support outreach, and more families have come our way as we continue to send out Dreams of You packages weekly. The thing is that God always does exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. You all remember MckMama's leap of faith and very generous gesture, my sweet friendHolly's Chip-In and other supportive efforts, the beautiful story of Rachel's niece Gracie, and my blog-friend Tammy. Others have donated as well and the ripples of blessing just keep going forth. Our friend Dave is now hosting a Ride for Grace in August for all you bikers in the Northwest Ohio area who would like to support Sufficient Grace. We are continually blessed and standing in awe of the beauty of God's people working together with willing hearts to fulfill His purposes.

Please pray for the following Coming Events...

Sufficient Grace Ministries Golf Outing
Saturday July 11, 2009 @ 1:30pm
Country Acres Golf Club, Kalida, Ohio
We still have openings for teams and sponsors if you are interested.
For more information, please visit the Coming Events Page on our website.

July 16, 2009 9:00am
Helping Hands Ministry is meeting at Harvest Fellowship in Hamler, Ohio to stuff and sew Comfort Bears for those who are interested in helping. All are welcome. No sewing experience necessary.

RIDE 4 GRACE
August 9, 2009
1st Annual Motorcycle Benefit for Sufficient Grace Ministries

ALL BIKES ARE WELCOME.

Ride will begin at Harvest Fellowship Church. 288 St. Rt. 109, Hamler, OH. Halfway Point is Perrysburg, OH (37 miles) and ending in Bowling Green, OH (31miles) (68 miles total)

Bikes Out at 2:00 p.m.

Suggested Donation of $10.00 per bike.

Information: Dave Amspoker 419-353-6258
daveamspoker@hotmail.com
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UPDATE to original post:
I just wanted to address a couple things, adding to my original thoughts on The Shack. While I enjoyed the book and felt there were some valuable insights regarding God's goodness and the idea of relationship, I am not saying that everything in the book is 100% biblical. And, I want to be cautious with that. I am not a theologian or a bible scholar, but there were a few things in it that I didn't understand, or wasn't quite sure about. However, there were other parts that were of great value, and spoke powerfully to my heart. And the message of the love Jesus has for us is beautiful. God uses many different avenues to speak to our hearts. But all things should be measured against His Word...the source of all Truth and Wisdom.

Having said all that, there are some things swimming around my mind and tugging on my heart right now. I'm not sure if I can share them because the demands of life are piling up around me, and they must have my attention soon. You've probably heard of the book, The Shack. I have been told by several people that it is an amazing book and I should read it. Actually, for more than a year the book has been brought before me in various ways. And I have resisted...partly because I knew some of the subject matter. I wasn't sure if I could read about some of the tragedy that was addressed in the book. And, partly because sometimes I feel like I spend so much time walking in the valley of the shadow of death...going to the places that can feel heavy...looking at the hurts that we often try so hard to avoid that I didn't know if I really wanted to visit those places in a book.

I picked it up off the shelf in the library this week, and opened it with trepidation. I have spent the last few days reading, and feeling ministered to. I'm not sure of all the theology or lack thereof in the words on the pages of this book. But, I feel as if the writer has taken me to a place where I have been standing on the outskirts, not knowing how to go in. A place that God has been whispering to my heart, telling me that it exists. But, I have not been living there. I don't have a handle on everything that was shared in this little journey to the Shack, or everything God is trying to minister to my weary heart. It will take some time to ponder. But, I do believe that He wants us to know that relationship matters to Him. He desires a relationship with us far more than all the rules and rituals we impose on ourselves. A relationship free from expectations and disappointments. And, He wants our relationships with others to be shrouded in the same beautiful love. Relationships covered in grace and love.

He has a peace for us...a peace that comes from abiding in the moment with Him, not feeling the regret of the past or looking to the future with the weight of worry. There is more to say about His goodness that is evident, even in the face of sorrow, tragedy and loss. So much to say. I'll be sharing more on this later. But, for now...I just want to say how thankful I am for all of you...and your part in my life. You have blessed me on this journey...and I love you all so much.

Walking With You ~ Meeting Our Babies

Thank you for joining us on Walking With You. I have been so touched to read each of your journeys and to pray for you on this walk. If you are just joining us, we are mothers who have lost a baby and who are walking in different places on that path. We have joined together, that grieving moms may know that they do not walk alone. We will be meeting here to pray for and encourage one another each Thursday, sharing pieces of our journey, scriptures, resources, prayer requests, and more. This week, we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born. If you have missed the first two weeks and wish to share the beginning of your journey, you are more than welcome to share what is on your heart.

Sharing the Journey

Faith and Grace
After spending a couple weeks in the hospital with various complications stemming from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, I was home recovering. I hadn't felt active movement from the girls in a few hours. It was late in the evening and something didn't seem quite right. I called my mom, and then Dr. C. I told Tim my concerns. Everyone was on alert in case we needed to go to the hospital. For some reason, that I have wondered since that day, I decided to go to bed and see how I felt in the morning.

In the morning, I was not feeling any movement. Tim was at work. So, my mother drove me to the hospital. We were not rushing. Not feeling a sense of urgency. We stopped to get gas. On the drive, I felt the sense of a slight flutter. Was it movement? It was hard to tell. Movements were hard to discern with all the excess fluid surrounding Faith and Grace.

They admitted me to the triage area and began to search for a heartbeat with the Doppler. I smiled and reassured the nurse that it was often hard to get a heartbeat on the Doppler because there was so much fluid. "They're in there", I said confidently.

She went to get an ultrasound machine to make sure. This is where everything gets blurry. I wish my mother was here for me to ask about the details, so that I could share them more clearly. But, maybe they aren't meant to be clear. I think the nurse may have begun with the words, "I'm sorry...". I don't know what else came out. Maybe that there was no heartbeat. Maybe that they were gone. I don't know, because at that moment all her words were drowned out with a choking sob, a twisted agonized cry that was coming out my mouth...in a voice that I didn't recognize. I saw the family on the other side of the curtain being escorted away so that my cries did not disturb the pregnant patient. The agony ripped through me with swift devastation. I heard that unrecognizable voice screaming, "No! My babies..." Through the blurs, I heard my mother talking to the nurse. Arguing. She was saying I could go home and wait or induce labor. My mother said I would not be sent home.

Labor. The word cut through the fog. And slowly understanding permeated. I don't know what I thought would happen...but labor was not on the list. It had never occurred to my twenty-one-year-old mind that I would have to endure labor and deliver babies that would never cry or nurse or fill our house with life. I guess I thought they would just put me to sleep and perform a C-section. But, labor. How would I do that?

Phone calls were made that I can't remember. I called Tim, and cried that they were gone. Our babies were gone. He sped to the hospital even though there was no need to hurry. I was taken to a private room that would have been lovely under different circumstances. I showered, and prepared to be induced. How, Lord? How will I have the strength to go through labor, knowing that I will not be rewarded with the glorious sounds of new life...but silence? How? Nurses spoke foreign words that had no place in the delivery room...words like stillborn and funeral. Burial. What were they talking about?

It was more than I could process. At some point in the early hours of labor, I looked out the window. There were giant, beautiful snowflakes...so perfect and beautiful...just like my Faith and Grace. Each one unique and created by God. They fell silently...peacefully...such a contrast to the turmoil in my heart. The peace washed over me, and I turned to face the next thing. The labor. It was long, lasting through the night and the better part of the next day.

Mom and Tim were there. On November 3, 1996, Faith was born first and minutes later Grace came. Silence. I held them in my arms, one in each. And although they were bruised and broken, I saw them as they were meant to be...beautiful. They looked like their brother, except a daintier more delicate version. Tim leaned beside me as I held them and we cried together, allowing the brokenness to wash over us...forever changing our once young and invincible hearts. I sang Amazing Grace and prayed over them. My mother also held the girls and said hello and good-bye.

Physically, there was relief, after all the struggles of carrying Faith and Grace. Emotionally, we were heart broken...lost without our girls. We were expecting the unique honor of parenting identical twin daughters. And we were leaving the hospital with nothing, except a little care package with a tiny baby gown, some mementos, and a couple polaroids. The emptiness smothered me and my arms ached with longing, as I was wheeled out of the hospital past the nursery where new babies cried.


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Thomas

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I had wondered from the time we heard the words "incompatible with life" how we would face another labor that ended without the sounds of a newborn baby cry. I had wondered if carrying Thomas was causing him harm. Wondered what we would be faced with the day we met our sweet boy. And my answers would come soon. I was admitted to the hospital to induce labor at about 38 weeks gestation. My labor was long and intense. Contractions came fast and hard but were not effective. I dilated slowly, as I labored throughout the night. I read scripture and prayed, reciting scripture when I could no longer read. The waves of pain were like nothing I had experienced before. I called the nurse telling her that I was going to throw up and needed a bucket. She gave me one of those tiny kidney shaped things that would hold a teaspoon, and said, "You're fine. You're not going to throw up."

No compassion. I felt the waves of nausea with the waves of pain, escalating as one. In a tangle of cords, I forced myself out of bed and drug the IV bag with me as I lunged toward the toilet, screaming in pain, I made it to the bathroom just in time. Tim had fallen asleep...and the nurse certainly wasn't going to help. But, I wasn't alone. I clung to the Lord, like never in my life. And He carried me through. He was my focal point.

In the wee hours of the morning on July 14, 1998, an epidural brought sweet relief and a little rest. I opened my eyes to see the compassionate face of Dr. M. and I was wheeled into a special delivery room with an adjoining room where they could work on sick babies. I prayed throughout the pushing, and then...weighing in at more than four pounds, he was born. Alive.

"He has red hair," were Dr. M's words as my boy was whisked away by the capable team. I prayed and tears streamed down my face. I was still asking for the miracle of Thomas' life. I had wondered all those months what would meet me in the moments of Thomas' birth...and the answer washed over me. The answer to the ugly question on that first day of the bad news..."Where is your God now?" The answer filled me with peace. I knew the sufficient grace spoken of in scripture, as it surrounded and carried me. And the answer to that ugly question: "Where was my God"...He was right here. He met me here in this place. His grace was waiting. He sustained us. And His presence filled the room.

I was taken to a room to rest while they still worked to stabilize Thomas. With prayers still on my lips, I fell asleep, exhausted. Someone came to tell me that Thomas was stable and we could go see him. I needed some help getting eagerly into the wheelchair. I was about to meet my baby. And, when I did, he took my breath away. His beauty was astounding. I was afraid for so long and what I may see when I laid eyes on him. And, I had nothing to fear. He was breath-taking. Perfect. One of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. I leaned down and stroked his cheek, whispering that he wasn't alone, that Jesus was with him and his mommy was here. I held his hand and touched his head. I kissed him (although, I sadly cannot remember that anymore. But my friend Ginny assures me I did).

His lung collapsed and the machines that he was hooked up to...the ones sustaining his life beeped and blinked. Alarms went off. And the nurse rapidly informed me that they would have to work on Thomas and I would need to go back to my room. They would get me when he was stable again. I didn't know about comfort care or birth plans. I knew I wanted time with my son, alive, if possible. I knew that I wanted them to make sure that there was nothing that could be done, before we let him go. Potter's Syndrome is fatal, but I wanted them to make sure that he didn't have kidneys...that there was no way to sustain his life. Because if there was a way, I wanted them to save him.

They came to get me after some time went by and I held my Thomas for the first time. The machines made his little body shudder as they breathed life into him. I asked if it hurt him. The nurse assured me that they were making him comfortable. As I held him in my arms, a sweet nurse snapped photos with a disposable camera. At just the right moment, he opened his eyes and looked up at me...just as she snapped the picture. I talked to him and prayed over him with Tim beside me. I sang to him. And, after awhile, after all the tests concluded that indeed Thomas did not have kidneys...and his lungs could in no way sustain his life, we handed him back to the nurses. They took me to a room to wait as they removed the machines sustaining his life on this earth. The nurse laid him in my arms and I began rocking him and singing praise songs, and the most glorious peace and joy filled the room. "His grace is sufficient for me". His presence was so evident, so real. And, it occurred to me that I had been given a great privilege. I had been chosen to sing to this beautiful baby as he went straight from my arms to the arms of Jesus. I will never forget the gift of those moments. I was blessed among women that day...blessed among mothers. There was so much healing in the meeting of my Thomas. An unspeakable gift.











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There are many things that I wish I knew to do, or felt more confident to do during my short time with my sweet babies on this earth. So, I want to share a little with you, here. Please contact a NILMDTS photographer. You may not think you will want pictures. You may feel shocked or think it will be too painful. Please just get the pictures anyway. Because you cannot get these moments back once they are gone. Also, I would suggest a birth plan stating your wishes before going in to deliver your baby. Plan for memories. We have several memory-making materials that are helpful for this and there are other places to go as well. Get as much as you can. Do as much as you can to cherish the time you are given. Don't let anyone talk you out of it or make you feel uncomfortable for your choices. I wanted to give my sweet Thomas a bath and a nurse said, "We don't usually have our parents do that." So, I didn't. I immediately felt squished and like my request was strange. And I missed out because I let that nurse's opinion rob my confidence. Below, I will list the links again in case there is someone reading this who is in this place right now, and in need of guidance.

Be Not Afraid ~ Difficult Pregnancy Diagnosis
String of Pearls ~ Difficult Pregnancy Diagnosis
Perinatal Hospice ~ Resources for those continuing a difficult pregnancy
Growing Through Affliction~ Support and Encouragement
Sufficient Grace Ministries ~ Memory~ making materials
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep ~ Beautiful photographs for families experiencing loss
A Place to Remember

Books for those waiting with a difficult diagnosis -
Waiting With Gabriel- Amy Kuebelbeck
Empty Arms - Sherokee Isle (secular book, but good practical answers for preparing)
In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me - Lynnette Kraft
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Thanks so much for joining us again, and for allowing us the privilege of walking with you. Please take some time to link your journeys if you choose, and if you want to just read along, we hope that you will find comfort and hope here. Please take some time to visit those who link here, pray for them, and leave them a word of encouragement. Next week, we will be sharing about planning a funeral/memorial service...and sharing our memories of that day.