Where is the Love?

I don't like to rant or get on my soapbox a lot, but there are some things on my mind that I just would like to sort out here if that's O.K. with you. Or...even if it isn't.

It has to do with the judgment we give to each other as Christians in place of the grace and love that Jesus has for us. I think some are really "missing it". I have been guilty of it, I'm sure. But lately, I feel that God has been speaking to my heart on this issue in my own life. And, I'm a little sad when I look around and see how much of it goes on.

I'll give a couple examples. Grieving mothers. I spend a lot of time with grieving mothers, and I have been a grieving mother. I have not met one yet who wasn't judged by someone or hurt by the comments of another. Some of the most difficult and hurtful things have even been said by those who profess to know Jesus. They may know Jesus, indeed...but they were not representing Him with those words of judgment.
Words that say: "You shouldn't feel sorrow when your child has died because you should have joy and peace.(Yes...we do have joy and peace in the Lord and His promises...but that doesn't mean we won't feel sorrow at the loss of our child or loved one.) You shouldn't show weakness...it's a poor witness. Your baby is in heaven...it's selfish to continue in this sorrow, burdening others with your grief. It's been x-amount of time...you should really get over this by now. You need to be taking this to the Lord...you wouldn't be so burdened if you would just give it over to Him. There is some sort of bitterness in you if you are struggling to go to church." Or a million other cliches that may be true, but can be callous and heartless in the face of such sorrow and brokenness...

Can I just say...these families are grieving. They may know the truth of God's promises. He will heal them in time, and even restore their joy. But, for now...they are in an agony that you may know nothing of. They may not be sitting in that church pew, not because they are running from God...but because it is too painful to sit there with an empty place where their child (or loved one for others who grieve) should be sitting. Imagine for a moment an empty place at your table where your son, husband, mother...once sat. An empty place in the church pew. At the football game. A canyon of emptiness in your heart everywhere you go. The worship songs touch a tender place and tears fall. People who should be loving them are judging them. People who should be walking with them are not even looking upon them...saying nothing. Leaving them alone in the pit.

Yes...there is a time for healing. And I am not suggesting wallowing in grief forever. Or allowing bitterness to take root and claiming a victim mentality. No...we truly do have victory in Jesus. We do not grieve without hope. There is much hope, much grace, much love. What I am upset by is the tendency to judge one another's performance as Christians. The focus on our performance. Grieving is most certainly no time to judge someone's performance. Those in the throws of grief's storm are just trying to hold on...just trying to put one foot in front of the other...to survive the storm...to do the next thing. There is no room for performance. And, really it robs the one beautiful thing about such hideous sorrow...the beauty of being carried by our Father...the being held in the grip of His grace, the very picture of His strength being made perfect through our weakness. What could we possibly do in our own power to compare to that?

And, grieving mothers are not alone. Mothers in general feel the sting of performance looming over them. I have a couple of strong-willed boys. One is a teenager. The other is riddled with his own quirks that make him both wonderful and also take quite a lot of energy to parent. A persistent pair, they are. And, although I have been consistent and purposeful (although far from perfect), and most of all prayerful in my parenting, they are also persistent, purposeful, and consistent in their glorious willfulness. Can I just say...if you see a mom who seems a little done...a little exhausted, a little impatient...don't assume that she has no parenting skills. Don't judge her too quickly. And, if you see children not behaving as they should, don't assume it's because that mother isn't doing her job. Don't assume that just because they are not choosing the proper behavior that they haven't been taught the proper behavior. There's a reason they are called strong-willed. They don't give up easily. She isn't finished training them. And God isn't finished with them...or her.

Once, I was asked if I'd ever read The Strong-Willed Child by a well-meaning person looking a little too closely at the willful "performance" of my children.

My reply: "Yes...read it several times...own it...and more importantly, I live it. This is what it looks like."

I have struggled with this issue of performance. And, I'm feeling rebellious of it...and tired of it. Many times, I have allowed the judgments of others (or the perceived judgments) to dictate my parenting choices. It is never good for any of us when I begin measuring my performance as a mother or their performance as MY children...instead of just looking at them as individuals. Instead of just loving them as the gifts they are. Instead of just allowing God's grace to wash over all of us.

One evening, after a particularly trying day, I was replaying my "performance" in my mind and I shared my "I should've done this...or said thats" with my husband. He smiled and said, "Don't worry, babe. Our boys will give you another opportunity tomorrow." That's the good news about persistent children. There will always be another opportunity for teachable moments. And, really...it isn't just strong-willed kids who will keep messing up. It's all of us. We'll mess up again, too. And we'll get another opportunity. That night...I was thinking...another opportunity to "get it right". But, maybe instead, we should think....another opportunity for grace. After all, Lamentations 3 reassures us that "His mercies are new every morning. And His compassions fail not...". What a gift we have in His new, fresh mercy...every morning. Do we claim that gift...for ourselves, for our kids? Do we live like it's "His goodness that leads to repentance"? Or are we dangling that performance baloney over ourselves and our families?

O.K...I think I'm almost done ranting. Thanks for hanging in if you're still there. And...thanks for all the love that I have had the privilege of experiencing HERE in blog land. I love this blog family...and I'm so thankful that we can love and support one another. In fact, I knew you all would understand. That's why I'm up on my soapbox this Sunday morning, before hanging out with my church family....whom I also dearly love. Because here, I have found grace and love. I'm praying that I will remember to be a vessel of that grace and love as well...and that we can just shake off all that performance-stuff, and stop with the judging of ourselves and others.

Love to all of you...

UPDATE: In the spirit of showing the love, please pray for sweet Devon and her precious baby girl.