Under the Tree - April - Hope for the Journey

I am participting in Under the Tree to reach out to other mothers and families who are grieving the loss of their babies. For more information about Under the Tree, or to read about Carly's organization, please click on the link above. Below are this month's questions and my answers. Blessings to all...

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been twelve years since my twin daughters, Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine went home to heaven on November 3, 1996. Our son Thomas joined his sweet sisters on July 14, 1998 (more than ten years ago). My grief was intense when we first lost our daughters and later our sweet son. The shock was so great with our first loss...and the pain was at times overwhelming...like being being tossed about in a tumultuous sea of emotions. Waves of grief would wash over me in unexpected times. With our son...the sorrow was also great, but it was a familiar place that I had walked before and desperately didn't want to return to. I resisted the waves...not wanting to be under the control of the merciless grief. Still, there were moments of intense sorrow.

My life is much different and there has been so much healing since those initial years. I prayed and turned to scripture often during our time of great sorrow. Over the years, God has poured out His sufficient grace over our lives. He truly carried us through that time. Holding us when we were too weak from fighting the stormy sea of grief. He drew us closer to Him and each other. Our marriage survived many storms and is so much stronger and sweeter from the journey that we never would have chosen, but have been blessed for having endured. The bible says that God is able to make beauty from ashes in our lives...and we have seen Him do this more than once. It is a gift to know that in the darkest moments of our lives, Jesus will meet us and that He will keep His promise to never leave us or forsake us. He was there to carry my sweet Thomas home (and Faith and Grace) and He was there to carry me with His sufficient grace.

Today, I not only feel blessed for the healing that has taken place in my life, but I have the privilege of reaching out to offer comfort and hope to other mothers who grieve through our ministry: Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women. And I am able to share our story with so many others at hospitals, churches, and women's groups. God has taught me compassion for others...and given an understanding for grieving hearts that I wouldn't have had I not walked this path. There is also a sweetness for the simple gifts of life. We who have lost something so precious know the importance of treasuring every gift we are given in this life...especially those we are given to love.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

In the early years, it was hard for me to see other pregnant women for a time. Although, I was happy for their joy, I struggled with all that we had lost. I felt robbed of the gift of finding joy in pregnancy. For us, our joy had been tainted with great sorrow. I longed for a baby to fill my aching arms. And I thought I would never get to have a child again. It was painful. Sometimes I felt angry and bitter, but there was a point when it was important to let go of my bitterness, to turn away from focusing on all that I had lost and to focus on all that I had been given. God used gratefulness to heal my bitterness.

A family member had twin daughters a month after we buried our girls. And it tore me up...to see the little matching twin baby girl outfits and their sweet brown hair and brown eyes. The pain was unbearable when I would see them or see their pictures. I didn't begrudge anyone else their joy or celebrating the gift of each life, but my own sorrow was bigger than anything else. And seeing them was like pouring salt in my wounds. I was supposed to have the gift of identical twin girls. My mom and I were supposed to be wallowing in pink lace and ribbons. Again...the Lord changed my focus and eased the pain in my heart in time. And although there will always be pangs of longing in my heart for my daughters...and a little ache when I pass the little girls department, today when I see those twin girls in our family, I smile. I still miss my daughters, and their presence still reminds me of Faith and Grace. But, today, I welcome the reminder. It is a beautiful thing to see what my girls may look like or what they would be doing if they were here today. And I know that where they are is so much better than where I am. Some sweet day, I will hold them and my dear Thomas once more.

What's your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

I did not go to therapy or a support group after either of my losses. Although, I know many people have found great comfort in attending such groups. And, I'm so glad these groups exist to offer comfort. I read my bible, prayed, and had the immense gift of dear friends who were willing to listen endlessly, lovingly, and without judgment long after the rest of the world moved on. I talked about my babies, cried when I was sad, yelled when I felt angry, ached with an emptiness beyond anything I could imagine, I remembered them, treasured the tangible items that reminded me of that they really were here...they matter...they exist. I sang. I wrote. Years later, I wrote a poem, a song, began sharing our story through writing and speaking, started our ministry, and created the Dreams of you Memory Book for families who lose a baby. Today, it gives me great peace
to offer the same comfort and hope to others that God gave to us as He carried us through our sorrow and turned our mourning into dancing. I clung to God and His word more than ever in my life. And He led me through that dark valley to a place of joy and healing today. But that journey took time and was not an easy walk in the park. There were dark days, valleys of sorrow, moments of despair. I was not perfect, not some pillar of faith that never wavered or doubted, not always strong. In fact, I was often quite weak, but I was carried by a God whose strength is made perfect through weakness.

Another very comforting thing to me has always been to think of my children in heaven. My oldest son, Timothy and I used to always say, "I wonder what Faith and Grace and Thomas are doing in heaven?" And we would suggest different possibilities. I knew their personalities and could guess at what they may like to do. Remembering that they are not dead, but alive in a place that is more wonderful than my human mind could ever imagine brings me great comfort. I still ache for my children and miss them...and I always will. But, because of Jesus, I know I will see them again. So, in that promise...in that hope, I have great joy and peace.