Amazing Grace

I really just wanted to post this on my sidebar, but I can't figure out how without posting it on my blog. So, I apologize if you've heard this before. The link I previously had up was not working and I had to take it down. So, I had to try another way to post our Amazing Grace performance. This was it...in all it's imperfect glory. I linked it to our family pic on the sidebar, but that was the best I could do. If anyone knows a solution, please let me know. I would really like to just leave it on the sidebar. Hope you are all doing well.

Reminder: Tomorrow, we will be sharing about the early days of grief on Walking With You. Thank you to everyone who participated last week. Twenty-one people linked their posts and several others emailed and commented about their sweet babies.

A Love Letter From My Father

My friend Dinah left this on my porch on the week of my birthday. The scriptures blew me away. It is a love letter from my Father. The very thing I needed. The thing my heart longs for. I hope you can read it, because it is a love letter from your Father to you, as well. You can click on the photo to enlarge it if it helps to read it.

Before I really knew the One I serve, my heart was desperate to know that I was loved. I was never really secure in that knowledge...never certain that I was loved, worthy, or had value when I was younger. I think people often have preconceived notions about God based on our own experiences in human relationships. When the tough stuff comes our way, we often revert back to those preconceived notions.

There's a great book that talks about this called The Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. This post would be so much better if I could find the book and insert some quotes from it. But, alas, I am confined to this dungeon/basement of mine, working on digging my way out of the piles of disorganization that I have allowed to manifest here. And, I haven't yet reached the place where that treasure of a book lies in wait. Please take my word for it, though. This book is worth your time.

One of the lies talks about feeling forsaken. I have shared here more than once that is the place I have gone in moments of great sorrow. That is the lie that has been whispered to me in the darkness over the years. "God is able...His love is amazing. But it's not for you. You didn't measure up. He has turned from you...forsaken you. He left you." I won't get into the reasons behind the fact that this particular lie was so effective for me. That is the lie that I battled before kneeling before my Lord to surrender my life to Him. It's the lie that threatened when Faith and Grace left this earth. The lie mocking me on that rainy day when we heard the words that our Thomas was "incompatible with life." It was the same lie as I stood watching my mother suffer greatly and die slowly and painfully. "What if He doesn't come? What if He leaves us here?" I believed His promises, but I have struggled at times with wondering if they were for me.

God's truth has squelched the lies of the enemy each time he has roared his ugly lion roar. And He has given me victory in many ways over that weak place of doubt and fear deep inside my heart. He has brought me such a long way, into a place of confidence in His love and in the person He has created me to be. A place of surrender to His will for my life. A place where I can rest in the promise of His love and the sufficiency of the grace He provides. Recently, I've learned that there are still some soft spots that haven't been healed. Still places of brokenness that He wants to restore. He has more to teach me about the depth of His love...the love I still long to know more of.

So, this love letter...from my Father...touched my heart more than I can say. I hope it touches yours as well...and I hope you are able to read it. You are His child...He loves you beyond reason...He delights over you with singing. You are precious to Him. And so am I.

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~ Ephesians 3:16-19

Read With Us and My Blogiversary Winner

My sweet bloggy-friend, Holly created Read With Us...and I will be participating (when I can) as we read my other bloggy-friend, Lynnette Kraft's book, In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me. I am so excited her book was chosen for this. It has been such a blessing and inspiration to me.

If you are married, what was your marriage like in the beginning? When did you first decide you wanted to have children? Was it planned or unplanned?


Lynnette shares how she and her husband were focused on the things of this world in the beginning of their marriage. I am married...for more than fifteen years. Tim and I were married very young. Actually, I'm not sure if I've shared this before on my blog (I might have.), but Tim was still a senior in high school when we were married. We did not plan our first venture into parenthood. I have wanted to be a mother since I was a very little girl...always mothering on my siblings. Timothy was born when I was eighteen, the year after I graduated high school. Tim was seventeen and a senior. For many years, I wouldn't have shared that with those who didn't know us. Living in a small town, everyone who does know us already knows how our journey began. But, there is beauty in sharing it now because of where the Lord has brought us. Our marriage is evidence of His ability to make beauty from ashes...to make all things new...to redeem and restore...to pour out His grace and mercy. So, I share it now as a testimony to my amazing God.

Our marriage was rocky at first. Neither one of us knew how to be married. We came from divorced families, and knew little of what marriage should look like. We were a little overwhelmed with the new responsibilities. Tim went to high school all day and worked at night. We lived in a little one bedroom apartment. I worked as a waitress in the afternoons and my mother helped watch our baby, Timothy. Tim and I struggled to get along and to navigate our way through this new adult world. We were just trying to survive.

It didn't take me long before I realized that I couldn't do this on my own. I was falling apart. I gave my life to the Lord and started going to church and reading my bible. Some amazing women came into my life, and started teaching me how to be a wife to my husband. The mothering part came pretty easy (at least back then!). But, I had a lot to learn about being a wife. Tim did not join me at church...and it would be many years before that prayer was answered. But it was answered!

What feelings did you have for your child when you first found out you were pregnant?

I love how Lynnette shared how pregnancy changed her. I was excited and nervous. I was so young, but began to change immediately. I began reading pregnancy books to see how my baby was developing. I wanted to eat right and take care of myself and felt the responsibility right away. I loved him and felt protective of him immediately.

At what point in your life did you start searching for God?

One of my favorite parts of chapter one is the fact that both Lynnette and her husband started seeking the Lord at about the same time. That is so beautiful. God weaves each of our tapestries in a unique and individual way.

I grew up attending church off and on with my family. I enjoyed church, and when I was a young teenager would sometimes even walk to church myself on Sunday mornings. When I was in Catechism, I even thought of becoming a missionary. I sang in church, and just loved being there. But, as a teenager, I became rebellious and often fell into a pattern of sin and repentance. I continued to pray and read my bible, but I wasn't walking closely with the Lord.

Having Timothy changed my life. I was on a pretty rough path filled with poor choices until he came into my life. It was the first realization that something...someone was bigger than "me". He needed me to be the grown up...to take care of him. Being his mother led me to know how much I needed the Lord in my life. I changed so completely and immediately as I fell in love with this precious baby.

It was a couple months into our marriage when I really started seeking the Lord. Oh, how He changed my life...the lives of every member of this family! And He continues the work He began so many years ago.

Has God ever provided for you?
I loved reading how the Lord provided a house for Lynnette and Kyle. He is so good. Yes, God has provided for our family in amazing ways. Too many to share on this post! He is so faithful.
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And...the winner of the blogiversary giveaway who will receive the short story anthology, Encounters With God (which contains my very own short story!) is.....

MY SWEET BLOGGY FRIEND: JENNIFER ROSS from His Grace is Sufficient!!!!!

Congratulations, Jennifer! I think I might have your address somewhere in my email file. So, I'll ship it right out to you! Thanks again to everyone for your well wishes on my blogiversary and the birthday of my sweet Thomas. Blessings to all...

Updated: Walking With You ~ Naming our Babies

Updated: I'm sorry the MckLinky was not up earlier. I forgot to add it last night before posting. I also added information about our other children's names and Faith, Grace, and Thomas' middle names below.

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing how we chose the names for our babies and any special meaning behind them.

I have previously written about the reason we chose the names for our babies in a couple older posts. I copied and pasted from those posts here. (Hope you don't mind...but it seemed a little easier than re-writing what has already been said.)Truth be told, I am so grateful that Shannon suggested we share about naming our babies this week. These past few weeks, our walk has been an emotional one. Last week felt especially heavy as I walked with each of you, re-visiting days of great sorrow. (Please do not get me wrong...It is a great privilege to walk with all of you, and I'm so grateful that you are sharing your stories...sharing your sweet babies.) While I feel it is important to share our stories, I want to remain focused on the hope we have in the Lord. We do not grieve as those without hope. Our sweet babies are alive in heaven. And, I look forward this week, to sharing something special about them...something joyful. Each of us gave our sweet babies a gift...a gift with meaning, from the heart. The gift of a name. A name we continue to hold in our hearts until we meet again. A name we long to hear...a name we ache for the world to recognize. A name that says this life mattered...this person was here.

It still blesses my soul when I hear someone mention the names of my Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Even so many years later, I long to hear their names spoken. Let's face it, we moms love to talk about our kids. We love to tell funny stories about the things they do. We love to take pride in their accomplishments and seek comfort when we are concerned for them. We love to see them soar...to spread their wings and fly. I love to watch James slide into home plate, hit the ball to the outfield. Love to watch Timothy keep his cool on the pitcher's mound and steal home. I love to watch the natural beauty of his golf swing. Love when they make good choices, learn lessons from not-so-good choices, and laugh their individual laughs. It's no different for my children who are no longer on this earth. I love to hear their names, to talk about them and wonder what their life is like in heaven. I love to see the effect their lives have had on others. It sort of feels like I'm watching them spread their wings to fly when someone finds comfort in our journey. Whether our little ones are with us or not, we are moms just the same. And each of our sweet babies have a name.

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. ~ Ephesians 2:8-10



When I was expecting our twin daughters, Faith and Grace, there were many complications. I lay awake in a hospital bed for weeks, praying, waiting, hoping, resisting doubt and fear. When we heard that we were expecting identical twin daughters, almost immediately, Ephesians 2:8 came into my mind. For it is by grace through faith you have been saved... Grace has always been my favorite name, and that verse has always spoken to my heart. It was not something I did to earn salvation, but a precious gift from our Savior. So, it seemed fitting. And, they no longer were known as Baby A and Baby B, but Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine. I've been talking a little about names and what it means to have someone know your name. Their names had deep meaning, and more than I even realized.

Webster's definition of grace: "unmerited help given to the people by God....". Unmerited. Undeserved. Given freely, not because of anything we did or could ever do to earn it. Grace that covers us. Grace that is given to us daily in a sufficient portion to meet our needs. Abundant, beautiful grace. Grace that saves...grace that carries...grace that comforts. I learned about His grace through being their mother. And I kept learning long after they left this earth.

At first, I thought that they were just beautiful names from a meaningful verse. When asked by one of our doctors why I chose the names Faith and Grace, I said, "Because it's going to take a lot of both to get through this!" But, even their situation...twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome made sense with the words in the scripture. Because in the condition of twin-to-twin the "lines are crossed", so to speak. One baby, (Faith) gets too much fluid, blood flow, and nourishment, and the other (Grace) doesn't get enough. In essence, Grace literally received her nourishment, her life...through Faith. And they were intertwined. Needing one another for survival.

Interesting...It is by grace through faith that we are saved. What I didn't know is that there would be more. Carrying and saying good-bye to my Faith and Grace was only the beginning of learning about the faith and grace spoken of in these verses. Carrying our Thomas, we learned about true faith. Not the pretty word we Christians throw around...thinking it has something to do with us. Somehow, if we just have enough faith. Oh boy, do we miss the boat on that one. True faith is not some pretty little thing. It is found in the nitty-gritty journey through this life. It is not never feeling doubt or fear, but trusting in God anyway, when you are most afraid and filled with doubt and questions. Trusting when you don't see. Believing without seeing. Believing when you don't get the answer you want or when there seems to be no answer at all. Praising Him in the storm. Trusting Him to carry you. Surrendering to the arms of our sovereign God. Blessing Him when He gives and when He takes away. It's not about how much faith I have or how strong it is. It's about how mighty, able, powerful, all-knowing, merciful and good my God is.

So many times, we want to see the miracles with our eyes. We want proof that He is there. Proof that He hasn't forsaken us. Proof that He lives. Proof that He will carry us. Proof that His grace is sufficient. We want to see. Never have I ached to see Him more than when we heard the words "incompatible with life" in reference to our son Thomas. I have shared about part of that journey before, but today, I want to focus on the precious gift Thomas' life gave to us...the reason he is called Thomas. His life taught us about "believing without seeing."

Now Thomas, called the Twin, one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples therefore said to him, "We have seen the Lord." So he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." And after eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, "Peace to you!" Then He said to Thomas, "Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into my side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing."
And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!"
Jesus said to him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. ~ John 20:24-29

While awaiting the birth of our sweet Thomas, we didn't see. Daily, it was a walk of faith to put one foot in front of the other. What would be at the end of the journey? Would the Lord work a miracle and save my Thomas? He is able. Would He choose to? Did I believe enough? I believed He could. I believed that with God all things are possible. But would He? Would He meet us there when the time came to say good-bye to our baby? Would His grace be sufficient? Was Thomas being harmed in my womb without enough amniotic fluid? Was he still alive? Would our marriage survive? We couldn't see. How I longed for Him to show Himself to me. I waited and prayed, searching His word daily. Searching for Him.

And, He showed Himself to me. I believed when I couldn't see. And I prayed when I was too weak to believe. And He came. He lives. His grace was sufficient. He showed Himself to me when I held sweet Thomas. He was there in the songs that were lifted from my mouth to the heavens in praise of my King and He carried our sweet baby boy home. He said, "Here I am." And I could almost reach out and touch the holes in His hands. He came. He lives.


If carrying Thomas taught us about faith, then meeting him taught us about grace. The all-sufficiency of His grace meeting us in that place of unknown sorrows. And replacing what Satan meant to break us, to destroy us, to darken our hearts forever...with joy overflowing as we met our son. As he filled my arms, and as the presence of the Lord filled the room. I sang, "O Lord, You're beautiful...Your face is all I seek...For when your eyes are on this child...Your grace abounds to me." And it did. It abounded, surrounded, lifted and carried me.

And none of it...not one ounce of it was about the strength of my faith, or my ability to conjure up or earn one ounce of the unmerited gift of grace poured out over me. It was only the beginning of the outpouring. It has flowed freely into my life since the moment I asked Jesus to come in.
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ADDED: I just realized I didn't mention how we chose the names for our two boys that are with us. Timothy James is our firstborn. He is named after his father and grandfather. His name means "to honor God". James Henry is also named after Tim's and my grandfathers. He is our youngest son. His name (although not at all chosen because this. I actually didn't know the meaning until this morning when I looked it up online.) means "to replace". Interesting. To us, it is just a biblical name that also honored our family. I also forgot to mention the middle names of Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Faith Elizabeth (just because I liked how Elizabeth sounds with Faith). Grace Katherine (because my mom's name is Kathy). Thomas Patrick (because my father's name is Patrick).
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Next week we will be sharing about the early days of grief. We will spend a few weeks talking about different aspects and phases of grief and it's affects on the relationships in our lives. We will choose specific subjects to focus on for that week.
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I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my blogiversary post. It's not too late to enter the giveaway by leaving a comment on that post. I'll be announcing the winner on Friday. Your sweet words blessed and encouraged me. I love all of you so much, and cherish the friendships I have found here in blogland.

One Year Blogiversary and a Giveaway

Today is my one year blogiversary! I wanted to post something really great and profound about what blogging has meant to me and how much I appreciate this amazing community. But, the truth is...I'm so tired that the words are blurring on the page as I type. So, I'm not really sure if anything of value will come out right now.

The thing is, I love words. We have shared a love affair for as long as I can remember. Love to read them, to speak them, and most of all...to write them. I love to learn new words, and to string them together in a beautiful flow of thought. (That's the goal anyway!)I get really excited when I hear my children using a diverse vocabulary. Today, in Wal-Mart (in the middle of a showdown over a Transformer toy that did not come home with us!) James said, "I'm going to be so glum today...for the rest of this day I will be glum." Even in the midst of my annoyance over his behavior, I had to smile at his glorious use of the word glum.

I have been given many words. They sort of ooze from me. I was voted "most talkative" in high school (that hasn't really changed, my IRL friends can attest), was recommended for the National Speech and Drama Award and adored Advanced Composition. If only all the classes were Advanced Composition. Who needs math anyway? I remember riding the school bus and dreamily wondering if I would be able to achieve my dream of becoming a writer one day. (In addition to my dreams of being an actress or maybe a singer...there were certainly options in dreamland!)

Many of those dreams were set aside for new dreams, as I became a young wife and mother. And, it was certainly a worthy trade. The words, however never left. And, in time, the Lord entered my heart and began to weave a story the likes of which I had never imagined. It was actually a story that began long before. You know, the funny thing about the tapestry He weaves in our lives (and another on the long list of things I love about the way God works!) is that He doesn't waste anything. He weaves it all together...the good, the bad, the ugly, the desires of our heart, our abilities, our personalities, our hopes, our dreams, our joys, our sorrows, everything that makes us who we are. And, somehow what comes out is a beautiful masterpiece that brings Him pleasure and glory. He created each of us for a unique purpose. And He will use the special things that make us who we are to fulfill that purpose. Isn't that amazing? You are who you are for a reason. And He can use you...just as you are. You are beautiful to Him. You are His masterpiece. I love how He works!

O.K....I'm getting a little rambly (did I mention I like to make up words, too). So, I'll just skip to the point. About five years ago, I entered a little contest (at the prompting of my in real life friend, Lynette T.) hosted by Family Christian Stores. They wanted to put together an anthology of short stories that would encourage, inspire, and reveal God's hand in our lives. So, I wrote about my Faith, Grace, and Thomas...the most I had ever known of the love and grace of my Savior. And...my story was published (among several others of course)! It was so exciting. I know, it was just a little contest...and just a short story. But, the writer in me was blessed beyond words to see my name in print along with the other authors...in a book. And to know that others would know the story of my Faith, Grace, and Thomas. And...even more, that their lives would be used to bring comfort and hope by pointing others toward the Lord. What a gift.

It was the beginning of the idea God planted in my heart to write the Dreams of You Memory Book for grieving families to honor the lives of their babies...the beginning of Sufficient Grace Ministries, and all that has grown from those first steps. Someday (maybe soon) I hope to complete my own book, fully telling the story of His grace in our lives... to offer encouragement and hope to grieving families. And, for now, I am so blessed to write on this blog. To walk with you...and to find encouragement as you walk with me. You have no idea how your words encourage me to continue on when I grow weary. I have found so much love and support in blog land. And, truly...this blog family has blessed my soul.




So...I would like to celebrate this first year of blogging by giving away a copy of Encounters With God (the book containing my little short story on pg. 67). There are other inspiring stories throughout the book. Some are better than others, so if you read one that you don't like, keep reading. There are a variety of topics...all sharing an "encounter with God". To enter the giveaway, please leave a comment below. Followers get a second entry!

Also...just wanted to share that today is our sweet Thomas Patrick's birthday. He would be 11 years old today. I can't imagine the birthday parties in heaven...but I bet they are great fun! Happy Birthday sweet boy! We love you!

Oh...and one more thing for those participating in Walking With You...we are changing the topic for Walking With You this week. The topic will be Choosing the Names for our Babies...and the Meaning Behind their names instead of The Early Days of Grief. We will begin talking about grieving the following Thursday and will spend several weeks sharing different aspects of the grief process. Thanks so much to Shannon for suggesting the topic.

Love to all...and thanks so much for walking with me...flaws and all...

A Sneak Peak of the Sufficient Grace Golf Outing...and I'm Gonna have Fun Like It's My Birthday!

Just wanted to thank everyone again who supported the Sufficient Grace Ministries Golf Outing! And a special thank you to my friend, Dawn Marshall, who baked in the hot sun photographing the event for us! Love you, Dawn and can't wait to get the photos so that I can share them here! But I do have a sneak peek of some pics that I took with my own little camera.

There were 8 teams or 32 people participating in the event.(a little down from last year when we had 13). There were twenty hole sponsors, a (non-alcoholic) beverage sponsor, a dinner sponsor, and a cart sponsor. Door prizes were also donated. I haven't run the final figures, but Sufficient Grace probably earned between $2500-$3000 from the event! Thanks everyone!

The day began with a rain storm, but there was sunshine by tee time and all was well. My golf game, however, not so much! Team Sufficient Grace, the only all-girl team finished dead last! But we had a blast. There were chunks flying and giggles galore. It was a great time. And we are so thankful for our sweet friends who could share the day with us!

Here are a few pics of team Sufficient Grace. Stay tuned...when I get the pictures from Dawn, there will be more pics of others who shared the day with us.

Kelly "Chunkalicious" Gerken (because of the way I hit...not a reference to my body type which may or may not be a true description!) When I hit, chunks of ground fly up in protest. This misery went on all day...but I kept smiling. =)


Nicki "Scoots" Strunk (also in reference to hitting)
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Raechal "Fee-Fee" "Ice-Ice Baby" Feehan (Fee can hit off the tee further than any girl I know...except for sometimes Scoots who also has the uncanny ability to hit like a man, when not scooting, of course. Thanks for carrying our team girls.)


Becki "sink that putt" Burner who lended both her putting skills and her caddy skills to the day in addition to her delicious strawberry cake, which I will be enjoying for my birthday today as well.


Remember my motto, if you can't be good at something, you better at least look cute doing it. I think that was achieved!


And...fun is also required!


And now...I'm off to have fun like it's my birthday...because it is!

Thanks again to everyone who helped support the event! There will pics of sponsor signs and an official thank you listing all those who gave posted soon. Love to all...

Walking With You ~ A Precious Goodbye

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing about saying good-bye and experiencing the memorial service or funeral if applicable. You may visit previous posts by clicking on the Walking With You button above. If you are just joining us, we you may share whatever part of your journey you wish. You may link your post on the new MckLinky below this post.

Sharing the Journey

Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this? ~ John 11:25-26

I have shared before that I do not visit the cemetery often. This week is a rather difficult place to re-visit, and one I generally avoid. I would much rather focus on the hope of heaven than on the seeming finality of the grave. Knowing that our eyes should be fixed not on the seen (physical world) but on the unseen (eternal, heavenly world). But, I do feel it is important to share the pieces of our journey because there is a reassurance in knowing that we are not alone on this walk. There is a healing in the telling of the story. And every piece of our journey is another part of the tapestry that God is weaving into our lives. And all of it has value and beauty...even if it's the kind that comes from ashes.

Faith and Grace

The first time I heard the word funeral in regard to my children, I was in the delivery room. I remember thinking that it seemed cruel. I hadn't thought past the delivering of my babies...still shocked that there would be a labor and delivery. I hadn't decided if I would hold my girls. It all seemed so strange and foreign...so surreal. I didn't know how one faced the death of a baby in a place where new life should exist. Now, they were saying that we needed to plan a funeral.

I did hold my babies, as you know if you've been here before. And, slowly the reality of what was happening sunk in. I realized that these were my children, and a funeral would indeed be necessary. Still too weak and overwhelmed...too shocked and overcome with grief to plan a funeral, I left the planning to my mother. I asked that she find identical pink lace dresses with ribbons for the girls. She picked out the casket, met with the funeral home and shopped for the dresses (which has it's own story...but I'll share it another time.) I cried in my hospital bed. I did ask our pastor to perform the graveside service.

We were very protective of Faith and Grace and of ourselves. We did not want anyone around us who may judge us or make an inappropriate comment about our girls. They were bruised and broken...although quite beautiful. Our extended family is quite large and not always supportive of one another. Our parents are divorced and re-married. There was a lot of brokenness and tension. We just couldn't accommodate all of that in the midst of our grief. Our mothers and stepfathers were there for a brief viewing the night before the funeral. We held each other and cried. My mother thought to take pictures. If those pictures would have turned out, they would be the only ones I would ever share with others (not because I am ashamed, but because we are protective parents)...but, sadly they did not turn out. Faith and Grace looked beautiful, laying side by side in the white casket with pale pink lining in their pink lace dresses, and their dainty faces side-by-side. They had bonnets on their heads that were too big, but just made them even more precious.

It was a dark gray day in early November. The chill in the air matched the chill in my heart. I can't remember anything that was said by the pastor at our graveside service. I can only remember standing by the side of their grave...and the emptiness I felt. I stood with tears streaming down my face...frozen, unable to move away from the place where my daughters lay. Tim stood beside me in silence for a few moments.

"It's time to go," he said.

"I can't," I cried. "I can't leave my babies here in this cold place. I don't know how to do this."

I felt his arms around me as he said, "They aren't here. They are in heaven, and they will always be in our hearts."

Slowly, he led me away as I leaned on him for the strength to take each step.
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Thomas

With Thomas, we were given the gift of time. We knew in advance that we should prepare for a funeral (even as we prayed for a miracle). I wish that I knew more than I did, but I certainly was more prepared than I was when we lost Faith and Grace. This time, I knew babies could die. I knew more than I wanted to know about what that was like. I chose the scriptures that I wanted read, the songs I wanted sung, the outfit he would wear, and the people who could attend. Still protective of our grief and one another, I respected Tim's desire that we keep the funeral private, inviting only a few people. I now wish we would have been able to have more people meet our Thomas. I think they would have a better understanding of our grief and this sweet life that was lost. And, I think they would have been blessed to know him...to meet our precious son. I also wish that we would have allowed Timothy (our son, who was 4 at the time) to be more involved. I wish I would have brought him to the hospital, and included him in the entire funeral. I did bring him to the viewing and allow him to meet Thomas there. Our friends Dan and Dinah were there. Our mothers and stepfathers, our brothers, and Ginny (the one who walked with me). Thomas was beautiful...taking our breath away. He was wearing a baby blue soft outfit I had chosen for him, and his casket was white, lined in blue. He was covered in a white blanket my mother made with her own hands, a cross with a little boy praying, and a little teddy bear dressed in blue.

The day was beautiful...a blue sky with fluffy, billowing white clouds. A picture identical to the one we had chosen for the cover of Thomas' program and thank you notes. Our friend, Dan, gave a beautiful message, shared comforting scripture, and prayed. We all sang Amazing Grace. I had wanted to sing a song myself and was unsure if I would be able to. But, I stood and smiled as the breezed swept past my cheek and the sun shone on my face. When I opened my mouth to sing, the words poured out.

"When this journey is finally over,
And life's sun sets at last,
Will I find your hand in my hand?
Oh and all life's sorrows past.
Just to stand in Thy fair city,
With the multitudes unknown,
Is the goal of my heart only,
Just to sit before Your throne.
Just to sit before Your throne."

(not sure of the name of the song or the author?)

That's all I can remember. The beauty of the day, the song on my lips, the peace in my heart...and the undeniable presence of the One who put it there.

*Please excuse the wind and poor sound quality on this video taken with my little digital camera. This was a recent (and rare) visit I originally posted in May.



...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
~Revelation 7:17b
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Resources
If you are waiting for the birth of your baby, and facing the possibility of a funeral, there are some resources that may be helpful in the planning. I share these to help prevent regrets. Please just do what seems best for your family. Don't worry about how others may view your decisions. They are not walking this path. It is yours to walk, and you are free to do it your way.

A helpful little book:
Planning a Precious Good-bye ~ (can be ordered at A Place to Remember)

Websites:
Someone recently passed this site on to me to share with you. (Thanks Kristie!) This site provides caskets and burial items: http://www.heavensgain.com/

Another organization that provides for funeral needs:
http://heavenlyangelsinneed.com/

For memory-making materials, burial gowns, memory books, other items and support, visit:
Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and families)
We will gladly send you what you need. We do not charge bereaved parents for our services.

Organizations that help with funeral expenses for parents:
http://oliviaraine.org/
Angel Names
http://www.emmazinggracefoundation.org/
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Prayer Request
My prayer request is for good weather this Saturday... and the Lord's blessing and protection for our continued preparations for the Sufficient Grace Golf Outing. And also for the Lord's continued guidance as we serve in this ministry and for some important upcoming family decisions. Most of all, for His continued comfort and sufficient grace for all of those walking this path.
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Thank you again for your willingness to walk with us and for allowing us the privilege of Walking With You. I know that it has been a hard couple weeks. These posts are so emotional. We are to grieve with hope, and I promise, more hopeful posts are coming. I wanted to break down our journey into steps so that we could focus on each piece. Next week, we will talk about the early days of grief. And slowly, we will make our way together as the stories unfold to the place where mourning turns to dancing. I promise those of you who are in the thick of it...you will dance again. And your dance will be even more beautiful than it was before the mourning.
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