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It's 2:30a.m. and I'm awake...again. It happens sometimes. I fall asleep around 11:00pm and at around 2:30a.m...here I am.
Wide awake...with no escape from all the burdens of this life, rushing through my mind.
Awake...with all the thoughts that we stuff somewhere else throughout the busyness of the day, finding it much easier to drown out the unpleasantness in the noise of life.
But, in the silence....they come...unbidden, unwelcome...pressing in with full force. I try to shake them off at first, just wanting to nestle further under the comfort of my covers and enjoy the bliss of sleep. Much needed, much desired, sleep. They press in with added fervor.
I begin to pray, taking great pains to lay them at the feet of Jesus, instead of dwelling in worry and hopelessness. It can be an effort beyond any other to resist worry...in the dark of night...when there is nothing else to distract from the barrage of burdens and accusations. Worries that I would never dream up during the day, suddenly surfacing, reminding me they must have been here all the time. They must be with me in the day, just waiting...bursting for release when I am helpless to fight them...or run to something else to keep from looking. They begin with concerns on my heart for my family or even just things that I need to remember to do...and wander to those of my friends. I keep praying, pressing on. It takes strength to turn worries to prayer in the dark of night when worries seem their strongest and I feel my weariest. Soon, I am burdened for the grieving hearts that belong to faces I've never seen, but mothers my own heart still feels so connected to...and the needs of Sufficient Grace. So, I pray some more. Next, come the parade of failures...accusations of all the ways I fall short...both currently and in the past. I writhe uncomfortably for a bit. Then, I pray some more.
Sometimes, I wonder...does the enemy just attack at night because I seem powerless to fight him? And, does God allow it, just because due to the sheer force of the attack and my complete helplessness in the dark of the night...I will run to Him, knowing at His feet is the only place where I will find relief. It won't be in the bag of Doritos or the can of Pepsi. Not at 2:30a.m. It won't be by chatting with a friend, exchanging snarky pleasantries with my boys, laughing with Tim, joking with students and co-workers at school, watching something mindless on TV, or running to and fro to get it all done. Relief won't be found in the arms of my husband as he snores peacefully beside me like a normal person, at 2:30a.m. It won't even be found as I pour myself into helping someone else. Or do the next thing on the list...whatever that may be.
His word tells us to be anxious for nothing...
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God... - Phil. 4:6
To keep our eyes on Him...
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
- Heb. 12:1-3
In the light of day, I take my eyes off my worries and try to keep from dwelling on what makes me anxious or fixating on my latest failure as a human being. The problem is, there's a difference from taking our eyes off the burdens of this life, looking to something that simply distracts us. Distraction is sort of a gift for one who spends her days at the mercy of busyness....which I think would describe most mothers in any season. There's a lot of places to focus our minds...too many places. There is a difference between just looking to something else...anything else...and keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus. There is a difference between just escaping to any old thing, and running to His arms for comfort.
Distraction I can do, but as His light shines in the darkness of my night, truth is revealed. The truth is, I'm doing way too much just looking away from what troubles my heart....and not nearly enough fixing my eyes on Him. Running from the burdens of this life...instead of running toward Him. Maybe, that's why I have to be awake at 2:30a.m., so I'm quiet enough to listen.
Praying that as the light dawns on this day, it will not chase away the truth He has whispered to my heart in the darkness of this night and so many others. (Also...part of the reason that I came here to share that truth with you...so I won't forget. Plus, I have an inkling I'm not alone in this struggle to "lay it all down". Which is why I will be saying some prayers for all of us awake at 2:30a.m., seeking sweet sleep and peace in His arms.)
Love to all...
Friday, January 21, 2011
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8 comments:
There is definitely something in the night that tugs in my soul and gets the worrying going over and over in my head, heart and soul. I can feel that same light, that I need to enter, needing to take my prayer straight to His feet, lay it down and trust. I just don't do this very well. I worry so bad, all of the time. It makes me so so tired. (Part of what I will be posting about today.) Next time I'm awake in the middle of the night, I'll know that I'm not alone. Kneeling at His feet, you will be there in spirit too. Together, we will be laying down our burdens at the feet of God.
AWESOME POST!
xx
This is so powerful and hit home with me. I use the distraction of TV in the middle of the night when all the trouble of the world, my world, flow through my mind. I need to be still and talk with God.
The last time I was pregnant, my husband and I woke up every morning at 3:30 for almost two weeks. We began to notice the trent after a few nights and begin to pray...only God knew what he was preparing us for...those prayers in the night are a sacred time to focus on him with no other distractions. I got to where I really liked our quiet time with God.
How amazing - I was awake last night and troubled, too. I was pondering very similar thoughts. Every waking moment I'm occupied with something, but at night there are no other distractions. Thanks for the post.
The quiet night seems to be the lonliest part of the day. Like you, that's when the worries and sad things move in, because all day, my busy mind has kept them at bay. The Phillippians verse has become my nighttime focus. When I can't think of my own words to pray, I pray this verse over and over. I even keep it on a card by my bed for when my mind is too clouded to recall the words. And immediately, the peace of God moves in. I think that song, Better than a Halleluja, and remember I don't have to have the perfect words all the time. God knows my heart.
I am with you on this... I wrote a poem for a friend and wanted to share it with you. Her 4 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver this past October. She is struggling..but I have never seen anyone struggle more beautifully, does that make sense?
In a moment of grief when all words lose their meaning.
And all that you loved can't stay, though your clinging.
And emptiness fills like the floods of a river.
Tears stop running and all that's left is a shiver.
Then out of the darkness a voice comes so near.
So softly it speaks and you can hardly hear.
But you know the words you've heard them before.
Then the Loving one calls as He stands in that door.
Pleading you ask, "Can I not enter in?"
"Can't I just peak" is Your beckon to Him.
Smiling he offers a tender powerful touch.
Oh How you Love Him, but you Miss her so much.
Just one look..But He gives you a No.
The Tears begin falling in a bitter, salty flow.
Then He bends down and Whispers your name.
And says my dear Mother, this is the reason I came.
This same door that I came to knock,
she answered and welcomed me, I am Who she sought.
So as she waits on this glory side,
know I am with her, as with me she abides.
And though you cannot even look in,
Know she is happy and surrounded by friends.
One day this door, will open for you.
And all that you believed will be confirmed in My Truth.
As sight replaces Faith and you bow at my feet.
You won't even see her because you'll be Caught up in me.
But then one day, as you are walking that street.
you'll hear her voice and you'll run to meet.
She in her Perfection and you in yours.
Laughing and rejoicing over all that's in store.
Not long dear mother. And you will see.
That though you miss you baby,
she is caught up,
in Me.
I have been awake since 3 am but only b/c both my girls were wide awake! lol Maybe this morning I can spend some quiet time with the Lord.
Yup, I've had my fair share (or more?) of sleepless nights, of waking and being unable to get back to sleep. My mind gets onto some topic, some anger or emotion, and it's hard to just shut it off. I need to remember this idea next time it happens because I know it will!
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