Tonight...

I'm working on this week's Walking With You post. And, I just have to be honest. Tonight, through a throbbing sinus headache and bleary eyes, I don't feel like talking about the hard things. I don't feel like searching for answers. I don't feel like remembering.

Tonight, a sweet baby girl named Ella is on my mind. A sweet baby girl, whose mother I am honored to call my friend...a sweet baby girl who lived nine minutes on this earth after her birth, before joining her sister in heaven. My heart is with her and her husband as they grieve tonight. I longed to go to them myself today, but due to work, responsibilities at home, and schedule conflicts, I wasn't able to accompany my friend, Dawn (NILMDTS photographer), to meet sweet Ella. I'm struggling with the fact that I couldn't be there today, and heavy with thoughts of their sorrow.

When I think of the raw, fresh pain of grief as I am tonight, it seems there are no words of comfort. I'll be honest, I wonder if anything we're doing even comes close to offering a drop of comfort in the bottomless pit of sorrow left in a grieving parent's heart. It all seems so small in the face of that kind of sorrow...a bear, a memory book, some pictures, some mementos.

The truth is that nothing can fix that brokenness, nothing can ease that pain, nothing can make it better. Nothing on this earth, anyway. Nothing, except time spent in the loving arms of our heavenly Father. I know that. No words I say, no small offerings we give. None of it can bring a mother's baby back to her aching arms.

And, even as I know that...I also know (at least I hope) that those little things tell a mother that her child was here, that someone understands, that her dreams for her baby matter, her child matters, he or she has value. The pictures taken by those amazing NILMDTS photographers are priceless, beautiful gifts for a mother who has to fit a lifetime of love and memories in mere moments. They provide a tangible memory honoring a precious life.

I'm going to keep holding on to that to ease the questions swirling in my mind...questions about why we do what we do...and if it brings any comfort. Questions that are making it hard for me to find the words to encourage tonight. I will put up the Walking With You post soon. This week we're talking about "Getting Better and Busyness". (UPDATE: Post is up.)Please check the Walking With You page...but I'm not making any promises of eloquence or grand revelations this evening. Just the bare minimum. I am spending some time in my heavenly Father's arms tonight, hurting with my friend...and praying.