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This week's Walking With You (from the Threads of Hope bible study) is about anger. It is, quite frankly, taking me to places that I'd rather not revisit, as well as places I didn't even know existed. It is stripping, humbling, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, nitty-gritty stuff. What's funny is that I was afraid when we started this study that it wouldn't go deep enough...that it was going to be too cotton candy, too scratching the surface. Not even a little. Now, I'm wondering if it may be too much. Because right now, I'm feeling a little broken by this study...and not so much by the study as what I'm seeing in my own heart. God's Word is so powerful...and tonight, it has brought me to my knees.
Do you know what else is funny? I'm one of the least angry people I know, or so I thought. I don't really keep a record of wrongs, (well...not too often, anyway). If I have an issue with someone (or they with me), I like to resolve it as soon as possible...hate grudges, couldn't have one if I tried. I would always much rather forgive than stay angry.
And yet...this study has been such a revealing look into places I would rather stay hidden. Painful places that still hurt. As I've tried to work on the study for the past couple days, I've realized that this is so much harder than I thought it would be. It's hard to look at anger...hard to talk about it...hard to admit that it's there. (That last one might be the hardest part for me.). I can only look so long before I put the book down and cower away from the powerful feelings stirring in my heart. I'm not even sure if it is anger...but whatever it is, it is powerful and it hurts.
If you are looking for this week's Walking With You, please be patient, as I try to reconcile what I have thought to be true with what is actually in my own heart. I'm not even sure if I can share what is stirring and threatening to pour out of me. I will try to get it up late Thursday or Friday...
Please pray for me and the others brave enough to work through these difficult feelings. This is really hard. But...I do think it will be worth it. All the best stuff seems to come at a cost. I guess that's how we know how valuable it is.
One last thing...even if you have not lost a child, I encourage you to take a look at the Walking With You posts on anger this week, when we finally do get them up. Because, I'm finding this anger thing...it isn't isolated to those who grieve. We ALL deal with it...even those of us who may not think it's an issue at all.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
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5 comments:
I can relate to this post. I have not lost a child but I could not believe the anger that surfaced from out of nowhere when my bro in law died unexpectedly in a car accident. I did not know anger could hit like that. Anger at the accident, anger at the people involved... Anger and grief can be very difficult to explain. What you are doing though is important because I can only imagine how that anger would be magnified in the death of a child. I'm sure it is difficult to walk back through but so meaningful to others who are traveling that road as well.
I wish I could get it together and go get a book so I could do this with you Kelly! Anger has been a hard spot for me. Everyone, even in the Christian arena, has very differing opinions on it. Yes, it is OK, God can take it, to all anger is proof of distrust....
I am still feeling like I am sorting it out.
It's taken me about that long to do it, too. It got to be a bit too much at times. So much that I had to put it down and come back. I held back quite a bit in my entry. There are some things I didn't write about. Some feelings I didn't share.
Oh, I haven't gotten to this lesson yet, but now I am a little scared about what I might have to deal with (thinking I have already dealt with it).
Thank you for being authentic and transparent...
Hey Kelly! I haven't been following your walking with you posts, since I haven't lost a child, but I saw this post on my dashboard and it caught my attention because lately I have been having alot of anger from losing my Mom. I didn't realize I still had anger to work through, even after almost 6 years. But, I think the anger has just manifested itself in other ways. I'm really just angry that I am still dealing with this. I love my Mom, but I'm so ready to be over this thing called grief! I just want to be that happy, no fear, girl I used to be again!
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