Peeling, Pouring Out, and Embracing...

Well, the layers are peeling back and what lies beneath isn't pretty. The treadmill and I have had to take a little break the past couple days. Somewhere during the fat jiggling, sweat dripping, face grimacing agony, the honeymoon ended. I started thinking of the song, "(I Hate) Everything About You" sung by Ugly Kid Joe in the early nineties...wondering how I could change the lyrics to express my feelings for the evil treadmill.

It really got ugly when I noticed the leftover bagels and cake in the lounge from teacher work day. On day 2 of the taunting bagels, I exploded, "For the ever-lovin' Pete, could someone please get rid of these bagels! I can't take it anymore!" (You know it's bad when I use such strong language as "Pete"...and it's downright serious when there's an "ever-lovin'" thrown in!) I told you, it wasn't pretty. You see, I love my food...I miss my food...and I'm hungry. I know I talked about leaning on the Lord, but a few times this week, I resembled an addict experiencing withdrawal as I went from weepy to slightly violent to weepy again! Granted, the only harm I wished on anyone was directed at the treadmill and some tasty-looking bagels, but still...not attractive godly behavior.

God is always faithful, though. He never leaves us in our ugliness, unless of course we want to stay there. Then, He always obliges. And, no one can convince me God doesn't have a sense of humor. He has an uncanny ability to meet us where we are, and I love how He does it. While doing devotions with James, we were studying John 6 where Jesus talks about being the "bread of life"...and he who comes to Him will never hunger or thirst. Oh...He is good. And He most certainly knows the way to my hungry heart. He knew that if He talked about bread, He'd get my attention. Oh yeah...I'm listening Lord.

The other interesting thing going on here, is that when you take away my food, or whatever it is I'm using to hide behind instead of dealing, I become aware of all these feelings. Emotions and things I've been avoiding start welling up and pouring out. I'm always surprised by all of that. It makes me realize that there are things I'm still holding on to, hidden hurts that haven't been allowed to fully heal...things I've numbed instead of facing...things that have been buried under layers. What a crazy process this is. You'd think it would be simple just to put down the Doritos. Who knew there was so much attached?

It's really a good thing, though. Because as it all pours out on to my Father's lap, He is able to comfort and heal the hurts. It may look ugly right now as I sort through the feelings, but in reality, it's the path to freedom. Yes...there is a part of me, now that it's really getting hard, that wants to just crawl back under the layers (with my Doritos), where it is comfortable. But, I won't. I'm pressing on.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 3:12-14

(FYI: In the spirit of pressing on, my nemesis -a.k.a. The Treadmill- and I called a truce this afternoon and I did my afternoon workout.)

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One more thing, I want to share that God has laid on my heart this week...the issue of embracing and cherishing the gift of life. Many of you know first hand how precious the gift of life is. One of our missions at Sufficient Grace Ministries is to encourage others to value, embrace, protect, and treasure life in any form no matter how brief. Sometimes I wish that I would have done more embracing and less just surviving of the time I was given with my sweet babies. I cherished their lives in the best way I knew how at the time, and I viewed them as precious gifts. I suppose my regrets over not doing some of the amazing things I see you all doing as you embrace your time with your little ones (photographs and memory-making especially) may have something to do with my desire to spend the rest of my life embracing the gifts we were given in the lives of our Faith, Grace, and Thomas.

We are all given the precious gift of life, and we have a choice today whether just to merely survive or to fully embrace the life we've been given. God is whispering to my heart to do a little more embracing. And, I plan to do just that.