Praying About Some Career Choices...And...Women of Faith....

We're praying about some career changes and choices at the Gerken house right now. A few of our options include the possibility of me returning to college. I've posted details here (in the blog frog forum)...and would love to hear your thoughts. Even more so, I'd appreciate your prayers! Big decisions are not my favorite thing...but, it's always exciting to watch the Lord work!

UPDATED: In other news...Becki and I are going to the Women of Faith Conference in Columbus, Ohio on April 30th-May 1st. (I'm going to try to just get tickets for Saturday, May 1st if I'm able.) What I would like to know, is if you would like to join us???? Those who do go down the evening before (Friday) could book a room in the same hotel and meet us for dinner...and we could have lunch on Saturday during the conference. We could also get tickets seated next to one another. So...if you'd like to come, let me know, because I will be ordering tickets soon!!! Email me for more information...

UPDATED AGAIN: Tickets must be purchased for both days...but you can share tickets if there are some that wish go on Friday. Tickets can be split with one person attending Friday and the other Saturday. The good news is (and I'm so excited I can barely type) that Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman will be there on Saturday to share their music and their message!!!!

Scrapping for Grace...

Last Saturday, I spent the day with some lovely ladies at Holgate United Methodist Church...and my girl, Holly (Carleigh's Mama)! While I am soooo not a scrapbooker, I filled my golf tote with some scrappin' supplies that I inherited from my crafty mama and joined in the fun. Actually, I spent most of the time chatting with Holly and looking at her beautiful scrapbooks of Kyndra and Carleigh, sharing the story of my Faith, Grace, and Thomas, and Sufficient Grace Ministries, laughing and crying and just bonding with the ladies. I'm pretty sure I talked too much...it seems I always do. And, as you know...I'm a re-player...always wondering if I should've said this or shouldn't have said that. I'm working on that...and God's working on me.






I did, however, get Timothy's golf scrapbook done (at least Freshman and Sophomore year). It will probably be the only one I'll ever do...except maybe for James when he's in high school sports. It just isn't my gift...but, it was for a good cause. And we are so grateful that the UMC ladies were willing to do this to support Sufficient Grace Ministries. Thanks, ladies for a wonderful day...and for your donation! Plus...how amazing is Holly for being willing to drive all the way up here? Love that girl! Holly- you rock!




Visit Holly to read more...her pics are always better than mine! =)

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Also...just wanted to take a moment and share a bible study and support group that Kristie shared with me. I had hoped to take part, as I've been meaning to read Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy for quite awhile now! Even before I heard about Kristie's support group, I wanted to do this bible study for a Walking With You segment. I thought I'd purchase a few books to give away and for those who do not win, I believe the book is now offered online for free. (The authors recently shared it with me...and I'll share the link here when it's closer to the time.) I don't want to take away from what Kristie is trying to do, so I thought I'd start the Walking With You - Threads of Hope Study the same week Kristie is beginning hers. That way, you are free to participate in both. I will probably just do mine here, since Kristie's requires you to be online at a certain time, and I'm just not able to commit to that. I think it will be great, though for those who could benefit from "live" support...and I'm grateful for her willing heart to comfort grieving families.

Click below to read about Kristie's study and support group...
http://threadsofhopeonline.blogspot.com/




Stay tuned for more information about the Walking With You - Threads of Hope Study beginning February 25th. I'd like to the sessions weekly until we complete the study. So, let me know if you're interested!

Peeling, Pouring Out, and Embracing...

Well, the layers are peeling back and what lies beneath isn't pretty. The treadmill and I have had to take a little break the past couple days. Somewhere during the fat jiggling, sweat dripping, face grimacing agony, the honeymoon ended. I started thinking of the song, "(I Hate) Everything About You" sung by Ugly Kid Joe in the early nineties...wondering how I could change the lyrics to express my feelings for the evil treadmill.

It really got ugly when I noticed the leftover bagels and cake in the lounge from teacher work day. On day 2 of the taunting bagels, I exploded, "For the ever-lovin' Pete, could someone please get rid of these bagels! I can't take it anymore!" (You know it's bad when I use such strong language as "Pete"...and it's downright serious when there's an "ever-lovin'" thrown in!) I told you, it wasn't pretty. You see, I love my food...I miss my food...and I'm hungry. I know I talked about leaning on the Lord, but a few times this week, I resembled an addict experiencing withdrawal as I went from weepy to slightly violent to weepy again! Granted, the only harm I wished on anyone was directed at the treadmill and some tasty-looking bagels, but still...not attractive godly behavior.

God is always faithful, though. He never leaves us in our ugliness, unless of course we want to stay there. Then, He always obliges. And, no one can convince me God doesn't have a sense of humor. He has an uncanny ability to meet us where we are, and I love how He does it. While doing devotions with James, we were studying John 6 where Jesus talks about being the "bread of life"...and he who comes to Him will never hunger or thirst. Oh...He is good. And He most certainly knows the way to my hungry heart. He knew that if He talked about bread, He'd get my attention. Oh yeah...I'm listening Lord.

The other interesting thing going on here, is that when you take away my food, or whatever it is I'm using to hide behind instead of dealing, I become aware of all these feelings. Emotions and things I've been avoiding start welling up and pouring out. I'm always surprised by all of that. It makes me realize that there are things I'm still holding on to, hidden hurts that haven't been allowed to fully heal...things I've numbed instead of facing...things that have been buried under layers. What a crazy process this is. You'd think it would be simple just to put down the Doritos. Who knew there was so much attached?

It's really a good thing, though. Because as it all pours out on to my Father's lap, He is able to comfort and heal the hurts. It may look ugly right now as I sort through the feelings, but in reality, it's the path to freedom. Yes...there is a part of me, now that it's really getting hard, that wants to just crawl back under the layers (with my Doritos), where it is comfortable. But, I won't. I'm pressing on.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 3:12-14

(FYI: In the spirit of pressing on, my nemesis -a.k.a. The Treadmill- and I called a truce this afternoon and I did my afternoon workout.)

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One more thing, I want to share that God has laid on my heart this week...the issue of embracing and cherishing the gift of life. Many of you know first hand how precious the gift of life is. One of our missions at Sufficient Grace Ministries is to encourage others to value, embrace, protect, and treasure life in any form no matter how brief. Sometimes I wish that I would have done more embracing and less just surviving of the time I was given with my sweet babies. I cherished their lives in the best way I knew how at the time, and I viewed them as precious gifts. I suppose my regrets over not doing some of the amazing things I see you all doing as you embrace your time with your little ones (photographs and memory-making especially) may have something to do with my desire to spend the rest of my life embracing the gifts we were given in the lives of our Faith, Grace, and Thomas.

We are all given the precious gift of life, and we have a choice today whether just to merely survive or to fully embrace the life we've been given. God is whispering to my heart to do a little more embracing. And, I plan to do just that.

Sixteen

Sixteen years ago, I was just one year out of high school...Tim still had one year to go...



Sixteen years ago on this bitterly cold January night, we bounced along in my mother's blue minivan, on ice and snow covered roads. Mom drove frantically, as I moaned and breathed through each contraction. A nervous eighteen-year-old, Tim tried to remain strong in the backseat. He may have leaned up to talk to me every once in awhile, to whisper words of encouragement. He may have held my hand. He probably did. But, I don't remember. I just remember the snow and ice, the anxious excitement, that look in my mother's eyes...that fierce I-will-meet-the-challenge-brave-the-icy-roads-protect-my-daughter-determined-mother-look.

We were so young...

I had been contracting regularly for some time, and by the time we went to the hospital, the contractions were about five minutes apart. They were getting stronger. I breathed through them for hours as my labor progressed at an agonizing snail's pace. More than twenty-four hours of contractions, (finally) an epidural, and a complicated delivery later, on January 20th, our Timothy was born. I became a mama. And, Tim became a dad.



In one, amazing, miraculous, life-changing moment...we were parents. Oh, the gift this boy has been to our lives. We thank God for all the ways his life has blessed ours. What we have learned about love, grace, life, loss, and family as we have walked through this life and grown-up together, in many ways. He is more man than boy now, as he prepares to get his driver's license and sasses me with his man voice or rolls his eyes to exert his independence. But, when I look at him, I sometimes still see my sweet four-year-old boy, still hear his deep belly giggles, still feel his hand in mine.




Sometimes, I miss my boy...but, even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, I am also thankful for the young man he is growing to be...


Sixteen years ago, I received an amazing miraculous gift...I became a mom!




Happy Sixteenth Birthday, Tim!

Fundraisers, Fat, and Finishing

There have been several blog posts rolling around in my mind for some time now. Wouldn't you know it, now that I have a few minutes to sit down and get my thoughts together, I'm drawing a blank. So, I apologize if I'm less than eloquent in the following hodge podge of rambliness.

First things, first...

The wonderful ladies at Holgate United Methodist Church (where I was invited to speak last October) are hosting a Scrapbooking Fundraiser for Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women next Saturday, January 23, 2010 from 10am-7pm. There will be a demonstration, prizes, projects, lunch, and time to work on your own projects. Cost is $20 and proceeds will benefit Sufficient Grace. If you are local and are interested in learning more about this event or attending, please email me: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com for details. They would like those attending to RSVP as soon as possible. We are so grateful for their willing hearts. Please pray that God will bless their efforts.

Next...I just wanted to thank sweet Sarita for sending me these beautiful Christmas ornaments in memory of my sweet Faith, Grace, and Thomas. She even had their names engraved on them and had their birthstone in each one. There are not words to share what it means to me that someone I've never met knows the names and birth months of my children in heaven and would take the time to have such a gift made and sent to me...even as her own heart grieves for her child. That is amazing...and it's also why I so cherish the friendships I have found in this blog land of ours. Thank you Sarita...and God bless you and your family...




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I thought I'd give a little accountability update on my "peeling back the layers" project. I have been praying, exercising, and eating healthy for the past couple weeks. I have lost three pounds in the past two weeks (six pounds total, since I ended my holiday eating frenzy)!

Goal: Lose 25 pounds, and more importantly gain freedom from unhealthy food habits

Progress: Lost 6 lbs...19 lbs. to go!

As I'm walking on the treadmill daily after work, I have some time to pray and reflect. It's good to think about the things on my heart and allow the Lord to speak and guide my thoughts. There aren't a lot of moments in my day when I'm quiet enough for that. It's been a nice time of refection...although, I could do without the painful shin splints and the sweat dripping off me while I'm praying and thinking. But, as moms, you know...we take the quiet time any way we can get it. And for me, a busy mom with a full time job and a full time ministry, it comes with the smacking of my feet on the merciless treadmill keeping time in the background. I'm so grateful there's a workout room at the school where I'm employed, so that I can spend the 30 minute wait I have until James gets off the bus squeezing in my exercise.

Here are a couple verses that stuck out for me this week as I bounced along...

If you instruct the brethren in these things, you will be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished in the words of faith and of the good doctrine which you have carefully followed. But reject profane and old wives' fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having the promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come. ~ I Timothy 4:6-8

Don't you just love the way God can just speak to us right where we are...even if we're bouncing along on a treadmill, wiping sweat out of our eyes? Love Him! And, I have to be honest...sometimes He cracks me up. It doesn't matter where we are, He will meet us there!

Before I share the other scripture He gave me this week, I just have to show you this:




This is pork tallow...a fancy name for fat. When we process our venison (as we were getting ready to do this afternoon), we add a little bit of this to the meat because venison is very lean. Anyway, in regards to exercise "profiting a little", I was whining about how much work it was just to lose three measly pounds.

My husband called me into the garage and said, "I want to show you something. This is 7 pounds of fat. You think three pounds isn't that much, but look at how much fat is in this bag. You lost almost half of that. Imagine carrying that around...that's a lot!"

I appreciated the encouragement...and also the fact that he noticed my struggle. I thought it was a good word picture, so I wanted to share it here. When I went outside to snap the photo, though, he shook his head and said, "So now you're taking pictures of fat to put on the Internet?" I told him you all would appreciate a good word picture, and that I wasn't the only woman struggling with this issue. Maybe his word picture would encourage someone else who thinks this weight loss thing is a tedious process. (He still thought I was crazy...but he loves me anyway!) There are also a million other spiritual lessons we could incorporate into this "fat-shedding" topic...like how heavy it is to carry sin around, and how good it is to rid ourselves of it's weight. Or even, how ugly our sin nature is. I'll let you chew on it, so to speak, and see what the Lord speaks to you about that.

On to the other verses...

As the thoughts and prayers poured forth, there was much on my heart and mind that I would like to do. I need organization and renewal in almost every area of my life. There are so many projects at home and in the ministry I would like to tackle...so much to ponder. I was wondering how it would all get done...and wondering if I would persevere until each task was completed. Or, would I get overwhelmed and give up as I've been known to do a time or two?

Here's what God had to say...

If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God's ways are as mysterious as the pathway of the wind, and as the manner in which the human spirit is infused into the little body of a baby while it is yet in its mother's womb. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow - perhaps it all will. ~ Ecclesiastes 11:4-6 TLB

That's God's version of JUST DO IT! No excuses...don't wait for tomorrow...don't wonder if it's all worth it. Which seed will grow? Which won't? Don't wait until everything is just right...there will never be perfect conditions. Just do what He has laid on your heart to do...just keep sowing the seeds He's given you to sow.

AND, one more...

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ~ 2 Timothy 4:7

I don't want to be a quitter...no matter what it is. I want to be a finisher. I want to finish the race. I want to say, I kept the faith. A lot to think about, I know. And there are several meanings to this. But, I think our outward physical behavior is often an indication of our inward spiritual condition. I want to be a "race finisher" in both regards. I'm tired of the loose ends and unfinished state of so many things in my life. So, I will press on, fighting the good fight as the Lord enables me, hoping to finish the race strong. Thanks for your prayers and words of encouragement...I'm praying for all of you, too. Keep pressing on, sisters...

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By the way...how awesome was it to read the beautiful praises coming from the hearts of each mom on last week's Walking With You, post?! Just blessed my heart, ladies...thank you for doing that. There really is beauty in praising Him, no matter what. And He is worthy to be praised!!!!

Walking With You ~ January...Sorry I'm Late

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child, who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

I'm so sorry I'm late with this post. To tell you the truth, I've been struggling with where to go with this. And, I still need some time to decide what's next. I've been considering doing a bible study, such as Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy. Or, maybe even creating our own study. But, I'm not sure yet.

For this week, I'd like to focus on something else that's been on my heart. I'm having a hard time finding the right words (not something I often struggle with!). What I want to focus on is praising God, no matter what our circumstances. There is great beauty, after all, in praising Him even when it hurts...praising Him in the storm. The reason I'm struggling to find the words is that I know how deep the valley of sorrow is for a parent who has lost a child, and I don't want to diminish that pain with my words. Sometimes when you're hurting so much, it is enough just to get out bed and brush your teeth. It may seem like a tall order to ask someone who is that devastated to praise God. Yet, that's exactly what I'm doing. If you're here for Walking With You this week, I'm asking you to take some time and praise God. See if it doesn't make a difference. I'm not saying life will be perfect and all your pain will be gone, but it may just change your perspective. I know, it always changes mine. Many times, I have traded hopelessness for hope in moments of tearful praise, weeping on my knees alone before my God.

The thing is, there is great power and comfort in praising God. Somehow in the act of focusing on who God is, there is a healing and strength. Somehow, in that place of praise and worship whatever we are facing doesn't seem so big and formidable in the presence of Almighty God. Even now, many years after those difficult days of thick grief, sorrow, and even moments of bitterness...nothing restores me quite like a time of praise and worship. All that troubles me melts away as I focus on Him instead of whatever weighs heavily on my heart. It's not a place I can live all the time. I wander and wallow. I try to fix things in my own strength. I hide my hurt and avoid dealing with it in many ways. But...when I give it all to Him...In those moments I spend praising Him, there is sweet relief. Those moments are precious and real and valuable.

I pray in a Moms In Touch prayer group, and we use the four steps of prayer: Praise, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Intercession. Many times, I have entered MIT feeling bogged down, defeated, and overwhelmed with the cares of this world. I have even felt too unworthy to approach His throne room, too unworthy to lift my voice in the presence of other mothers. Then, as we spend time focusing on an attribute of God and reading His word, I am humbled. I am humbled and lifted up...all at the same time as I feel everything else melt away. My struggles are no match for the God we serve. It's really a good thing that confession comes next...because reflecting on who we are compared to who our God is, and realizing all the ways we fall short, and the beauty of the grace, mercy, and forgiveness we are given comes quite naturally. We spend our confession time in silent prayer. Then we spend time in Thanksgiving and Intercession. But, I must admit, often by the time we get to the interceding part, I feel as if God has already lifted those burdens that weighed so heavily on my heart when I entered. They always seem so much smaller after focusing on who He is.

O.K....I've gone on and on, and I really just wanted to make this a quick little post. So let's get to it, shall we? Let's take some time praising God for who He is, because no matter what we may be facing, our circumstances cannot change our steadfast, mighty, unchangeable God. If you would like some ideas on attributes of God, please click here: Moms in Touch website Attributes of God list. There are, of course, many more. These are just a few. I'm going to choose an attribute to praise Him for and share it in this post. You can choose the same or choose a different one, if you'd like to join in praising the Lord, even in the midst of grief, on your own blog. If not, that's fine too. And, if you'd like to share your thoughts, but do not have a blog, you may always join in by leaving a comment.


I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make its boast in the Lord;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
~Psalm 34:1-3
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God is our Comforter...

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
~Psalm 23:4

Lord, I praise you that even in the valley of the shadow of death, You are there. Death holds no power over You. Even if I walk in the darkness of death's shadow, You are with me. Your comfort is there as a shepherd comforts His sheep.

Unless the Lord had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
If I say, "My foot slips,"
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.
In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.
~Psalm 94:17-19

Oh, Lord...without Your help, I would've given up in hopeless defeat. My foot often slips, and every time, your mercy is there to hold me up. Even in the midst of my anxieties, your comfort brings joy to my weary soul...Praise you Lord...

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
~II Corinthians 1:3-4

Father, I love Your Word, love the beauty of Your truth, and the hope of your promises. Praise to you, the God of ALL comfort...the Father of mercies (giving us what we don't deserve). You are faithful to comfort us in ALL our tribulation...nothing is too big for you, NO pain is too deep, no sin is too dark, no heart is too broken, no soul is too lost...for You. You are able to comfort us no matter what we face. And, even more...You have given us to one another, those who have walked this path...that we may not walk alone. You have comforted us so that we may comfort one another with the comfort we received. Great is Your love, great is the comfort and grace you give...Thank you Lord for comforting me. In the name of Jesus I pray...Amen.



I hope you'll join me in praising the Lord this month. It really does change one's perspective. No, it doesn't erase the pain of missing your sweet child, but there is comfort in His arms. And there is a beauty and healing in praising Him. It takes our eyes off ourselves and focuses our eyes on God. Singing praise and worship songs can also bring great, soothing comfort. You can just pick one verse if you'd like, and it can be on any attribute of God.

This post is getting a little longer than I meant it to, but I just want to say that I am so grateful for each of you. And, it is a great privilege and blessing to me to be able to walk with you in any small way.

Peeling Back the Layers

It's 4:00a.m. and I'm tired. I'm tired of me. I actually contemplated starting a whole new blog to share what I'm about to share. One of those anonymous (read "safe") blogs. Even as I write this, I'm not so sure that I shouldn't be writing somewhere a little safer. After all, people I know read this blog. People I see at work, at the grocery store, at church will read my words. Do I really need my thoughts all out there for the whole world to see? And who really wants to know this much about me anyway?

But the truth is...I am too tired to start another blog right now. And, quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm the type of girl who could maintain another blog. I have enough to maintain, which is why I'm here in the first place, all tired and bedraggled at 4:00a.m....because of my lack of maintaining ability.

And...it's not just that. I've been thinking that I started this blog to share more about our ministry, and how God's grace shines through our family. I want to encourage women through Sufficient Grace Ministries, and so far that has mainly included mothers who grieve the loss of their babies. But, my desire to minister to women goes deeper and further than that. If we are a ministry that wishes to reach out in Christian love and encouragement to women, why not share some of our struggles in other areas of our lives? Don't all women battle certain weaknesses and temptations? Perhaps sharing honestly about some of these other issues indeed falls under the category of ministering.

It is heavy on my heart tonight to just peel back some of the layers I've been hiding under. They are getting heavy. And, I am tired of carrying this weight, literally and figuratively. Since this is my place to write, and I don't wish to start a new blog to maintain (uggg!), I have decided to just peel back the layers right here. I hope you don't mind. And, if you do...that's O.K., too. Tonight, as I read the bible with James before bed, I was reminded of a verse that God spoke to my heart during a very tumultuous time in our family life.

John 2:23-25: Now when He was in Jerusalem at the Passover, during the feast, many believed in His name when they saw the signs which He did. But Jesus did not commit Himself to them, because He knew all men, and had no need that anyone should testify of man, for He knew what was in man.

Another version (too tired/lazy to look it up right now) says, "He knew what was in the heart of man". I remember the first time that verse pierced my heart, cutting through all the layers of my pride and issues and concerns with the opinions others may have of me. (And, believe me, that is a battle of mine. I hate to step on toes, or cause someone to dislike me or feel uncomfortable. I want to be nice, to be liked, to be respected. I care what other people think....so much so that I'm feeling a little panicky sharing some of my layers here.) I remember feeling so free when I read those verses. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me...my value isn't dependent on what is in the heart of a "man" or "woman" or anyone, except my Savior. And, He loved me enough to die for me...even when I was at my very worst.

Please don't get me wrong. I think we have a responsibility to care about our reputation and the perception others may have of us to some degree. But, to what degree? How much should the opinions of others dictate who we are and what we share? I certainly don't wish to cause anyone to have less respect for me or this ministry because I share a weakness I am battling. But, I also don't want pride to keep me from sharing something that may encourage another woman who is struggling. So, I prayerfully press on, trusting that my integrity will not be compromised by the sharing of my heart...but instead will shine through more so. If not, I trust the Lord to be my guide, and will do my best not to concern myself too much what is in the heart or opinion of others.

Several years ago, I lost 25 pounds. It was the first time in my life that I attempted to face the fact that I have an unhealthy love affair with food. It was the first time I chose discipline and obedience in this area of my life. Prior to that time, I pridefully embraced "freedom" in that particular area...only it wasn't freedom at all, but bondage rather. The first two weeks of the healthy eating plan I chose (Weight Watchers...if you're curious), were quite painful and intense for me. There were many emotions. I felt like an onion with many layers.The layers were being pulled back, and I felt exposed. Giving up unhealthy food for me was like grieving a loss, and I realized on that journey that food had a place in my life it should not have. When I was stressed, tired, excited, feeling unloved, bored, lonely or any emotion at all, I wanted to eat. And, when I tried to stop, I realized how much I depended on food to fill me in more ways than just meeting my physical needs for nutrition.

It was about more than losing weight for me. I realized that my attitude toward food was actually sin, and I was not going to be able to change it on my own. I prayed through those emotional weeks of "junk food detox"...and quoted scripture. I felt the layers of my onion being peeled away. At first, the peeling was painful, but slowly I embraced the loss of each one, realizing true freedom for the first time in my life.

I also lost twenty-five pounds, and that brought a whole new set of issues. Physically, I looked better than I had in a long time. Suddenly, I could wear anything I wanted...and it looked cute! I wanted to try different outfits...stuff I never could wear before. Tim, who has never made my weight an issue and makes me feel beautiful no matter my size, reminded me a couple times about being modest. And I soon found the balance. (I won't tell you about the time I walked out of the house in a bikini and he locked his keys in the truck because he was so distracted! Oops...I guess I just did.)

Then, there was the influence of having my always-very-thin-and-in-shape mother's approval as well as my grandmother (who always notices such things). Mom never criticized my weight and she loved me unconditionally, but I knew she noticed. Especially when I felt her approval when I lost the weight. A mother's approval is a powerful thing. And, it was a new layer to be mindful of. (Do not tie yourself to the opinions of others, Kelly....remember what is in the heart of man. We are fickle humans. Live your life before God alone.)

I won't say that it didn't feel good to have her approval and to be able to fit into cute, stylish outfits. It did. But, it didn't compare to the feeling of freedom I felt and the healthy attitude I had toward food. I was having wonderful devotion/prayer times....going to Lord instead of food, casting all my cares upon Him. I ate for physical nutrition, not to fill the void in my heart and soul. It was such an amazing gift, and I was grateful for the freedom.

I was encouraged as the Lord whispered to my heart to let go of other things that held me back, to cast off my shackles...to stop sitting it out...to embrace the dance of life. He led me to start Sufficient Grace, to take time off work and just focus on being Tim's wife and James and Timothy's mama. I was blessed with the gift of time to attend bible studies for moms and take online classes. No longer an onion covered in layers, I blossomed. (Is it wrong that I'm thinking of a yummy, deep-fried Onion Blossom dipped in southwestern sauce....or maybe some honey-mustard? Sorry....I'm getting off track.)

I walked in my new freedom for a few years. Slowly, though, I have crawled back into my stinky onion cocoon, layer by layer. It's interesting how painful the peeling off of the layers is at first, and then it starts to feel good as I realize with the passing of each layer I embrace new freedom. The putting back on of layers is the opposite. It feels good at first, harmless. It lures me in, wooing me with a sense of familiar comfort. It feels like a safe place to hide. Safe from the pain of cancer, safe from suffering, safe from grief, safe from my shortcomings, the piles of unfolded laundry, my increasing lack of organization. A numb, safe place. But, then as layer by layer is added on, I start to feel trapped and suffocated. I cannot move, and the more I try on my own, the more entangled I become. It becomes clear, this isn't a safe place at all. Right now, I'm tired of carrying these heavy layers.

I hate getting all heavy and dramatic about this. I'd much rather just make a joke about how I've never met a Dorito that I didn't like...and keep on eating my Doritos. In fact, I probably will keep on eating them...just now I'll have the Baked kind! It really isn't even about food. It's about the place I've given to food in my life. And not just food, but other things. Reading blogs, wasting time on facebook, watching TV...none of these things in themselves are bad. What I'm struggling with is that some of it I've done, instead of going to the Lord. I've been running...escaping...not stopping enough to listen to His voice. Just going...way too much...out in my own strength.

Pastor James gave a message last week where he invited us to share something that we are struggling with... an area where we would like to remain accountable to one another. Something we could pray for and encourage each other in for the coming year. It's funny. I felt too shy to share mine on Sunday, but I'm pouring it out here for anyone to read. I trust he will read it here, too. Along with strangers, friends, blog friends, acquaintances, people who love me, people who couldn't care less about me, people who may judge me for sharing this, people I wish weren't reading it. As I digest that thought, I will try to remember that my identity is in Jesus Christ and I am a new creation in Him. (Plus...there's always the possibility that no one will read it. After all, it's pretty long!) It is my hope to encourage someone else, and in doing so, if it makes me look less than perfect, so be it. I am...way less than perfect. But, you already know that! =)

If you have time, I hope you'll pray for me as I seek the Lord and trust Him to peel back each layer. And, I'd love to pray for you, too. If you're still reading this post, and you have your own layers you'd like to get rid of, please feel free to share them. You can also email me if you don't want to share them here. I posted a new discussion in the forum on my sidebar, too if you'd like to join in. Our God is a gentle, patient teacher, you know. And He doesn't give up on us. In the movie, Blindside, the very strong female character, Mrs. Tooley is talking to her husband about the boy they adopted. Her patient husband tells her Michael is like an onion with layers that need to be pulled back one at a time. She says..."Not if you use a knife". (Love the character by the way...and I can relate. She just wants to cut to the chase, and get it done. And, she loves control. Aye, aye, aye...how I can relate!) Thankfully, our God doesn't work that way. He patiently, gently works in us in His time, peeling away each layer, making beauty...even out of stinky onions like me. This time around, I look forward to the peeling...even the painful part...knowing that it will bring the sweet taste of freedom that waits for me beneath these layers.

Not Really One for Resolutions...

I'm not really one to make resolutions. For one thing, I don't put a lot of faith in the human will, especially my own. Since most things I attempt in my own power fall hopelessly flat, I think there's evidence to support my theory. It's interesting to note, however, that a life-altering event occurred fifteen years ago, on January 1, 1995.

Not long before that day, I sat crying on my knees in our little one bedroom apartment while our oldest son, not yet one-year-old at the time, bounced in his crib without a care. I, on the other hand, felt the weight of the world on my young shoulders. I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a young wife and mother. It was something I knew I could never do on my own. I felt the void of what Billy Graham calls a "God-sized hole" in my heart with an intensity that drove me to my knees and pierced my soul. I knew that I had tried life on my own for awhile and was falling hopelessly short. That day, it was abundantly clear that I needed a Savior. On my face, I confessed my need. The hopelessness fell in cleansing tears as I gave my life to Jesus on the floor of that one bedroom apartment. When I stood, there was hope for the first time in a long time. The first steps I took as a new creation were with a renewed sense of purpose. Of course, I had no idea what life would hold for us, or the incredible journey we would be asked to walk in the coming years. All I knew was that we no longer walked this path alone.

Knowing what I know now, I cannot imagine the life we would have had if that day hadn't occurred...if I hadn't been rescued by my Savior. It would have meant certain destruction for our little family, and who knows what else. I shudder to think of it. This isn't a path I would want to walk without Him.

So, back to January 1, 1995. The first day I walked into Harvest Fellowship. It was before they had a beautiful building to worship in on Sunday mornings. We met in the library at our local high school, the same high school I attended as a rebellious teenager. I can close my eyes and remember, knowing even then that my life would never be the same. They were singing, "As the Deer Panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after thee...". I was mesmerized. My former Algebra Teacher, Pastor Jim, was teaching through the book of Acts. The verse-by-verse teaching of this non-denominational church was different from my Lutheran upbringing steeped in tradition, and I was intrigued. Not only intrigued, but something lept in my spirit, and I felt like I had come home.

From that day on, I carried little Timothy into church on Sunday mornings. I poured over God's word, soaking it in and learning everything I could. Pastor Jim was a wonderful teacher, and I was a willing student. Much of what I know today about God's word was laid on the foundation of those early years in our little high school library.

Many years, walks through fiery trials, births and deaths, visits to other churches and countless prayers later, Tim walked through the doors of Harvest with us on a fateful Mother's Day years ago. That's his story to tell. But, I have seen him become part of this church family as well. We are growing as we walk together with the Lord, loving the teaching of our current Pastor James (not the one who taught us Algebra...but one who attended high school with us!), enjoying the ministry God has given us to worship through music, and standing in awe of God's amazing grace.

Having said all of that, I suppose I shouldn't completely write off the idea that a fresh start could be made on January 1st. After all, we serve a God of fresh starts and second chances...one who redeems and restores. In fact, His "mercies are new every morning" (see Lamentations 3). And, obviously that particular January 1st was life-changing. A very good kind of life-changing.

The kind of life-changing that involves the Holy Spirit working in us...that's a change I can believe in. I loved Big Mama's post about hearing Him in 2010. I could relate to feeling a little stagnant lately, myself. And, while it does seem a little cliche, I would like to make some changes. I just know that I have to rely on His strength to accomplish anything. In 2010, I pray for renewal, that I would listen to His voice and not the noise around me, that I would seek His will and not my own, that there would be less of me and more of Him. Sure, I would like to eat more healthy, exercise, lose weight, be more purposeful and faithful with my devotions and prayer time, keep priorities in order, work on my organization and time management issues, and focus on being the wife and mom God has called me to be. But, I know that any of that I try to do in my own power will fall hopelessly short. This is not to say that I will just give up and accept the pathetic mediocrity that is me. No, I will press on, and instead give Him the desires of my heart. And, I will do it knowing that I CAN do all things through Jesus Christ, who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13)