Timothy's Golf Skills, Stuff That Makes Me Happy...and a Giveaway

Yes...I am a little proud of my oldest son's mad golf skills! How cool is this video he made in the backyard? I thought you might like it!

I don't have much to say that's earth-shattering here...but I thought I'd keep it simple and maybe do something fun and random if you're up for it. That's about as deep as I can get right now.

It's been on my heart lately to find joy in the little things. So, here's the deal: I'm going to list five things that "make me happy". They have to be in the simple, little things category. I'd love to hear what makes you happy, too. So, if you'd like to play along, list five things that make you happy in the comments below...and you will be entered to win a signed copy of Lynnette Kraft's wonderful book, In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me. For a chance at a second entry, become a follower of this blog...or let me know in the comments if you already are a follower! I love a good giveaway! Giveaways make me happy!! =)

What Makes Me Happy (this week)?

1. Fresh tomatoes...mmmm, mmmm...good.
2. The smell of my kitchen after I've baked cookies all day (and the satisfied tummies of my family after they sink their teeth into the goodies!).
3. Cleveland Browns football (Even more so in the rare event that we win! And triple if we beat the Steelers...sorry September! Quadruple if Brady's playing!)
4. New school supplies (especially pink post its).
5. Laughing with friends.

O.K....your turn...What makes you happy?

Stopping to Pick the Dandelions

Often, I learn from the students I work with...probably much more than I teach. This week, we returned to school. Our oldest son returned to high school as a sophomore, with his driver's permit and a position on the varsity golf team. Our "baby" climbed the steps of the school bus for the first time to travel almost 20 miles away to the school in our district that houses the third and fourth grades. And, I returned to my position working with special needs students. This year, I have moved up to second grade to begin my third year working with a delightful young man who often brings a smile to my face and inspires my spirit.

So, I thought I would share this week's lesson from my dear student to his teacher. We were in a hurry, as we often are, rushing to go inside for recess so that we could squeeze in a quick drink and restroom break before returning to class. Suddenly, he stopped in mid-stride. I turned to encourage him to walk quickly, and realized his reason for stopping. While keeping one hand on his walker, he bent down reaching with the other hand to pick a bright yellow dandelion, standing tall in the green grass. He rose slowly, dandelion in hand, and smiled at me with a second grade grin as he proudly offered me the treasure in his outstretched hand.

I smiled and thanked him for the gift, nodding my head as the humbling lesson soaked in. You see, life is full of dandelions (not my yard, mind you, because I am married to the Lawn King!). We've all heard the saying reminding us to "Stop and Smell the Roses". But, life isn't always full of roses. Things don't often go just as they should or come in the packages we would desire or expect. It's dandelions that often cover our path. Some may look at them as weeds...hardly worth noticing...a nuisance at best. Some may try to uproot them and get rid of every trace. But, some embrace the dandelions as a gift...accepting them and even seeing beauty in these durable, plentiful, proud yellow plants. Some take the time to see the gift in what others would see as a useless weed. Some are even willing to slow down and go to great lengths to appreciate the gift, and share it with someone else. It was a gift from his heart...a beautiful offering.

We can learn a lot from the heart of a child...and the glorious perspective they have. Here's to taking the time to "Stop and Pick the Dandelions".

Saturday With the Band

Thank you to everyone who listed name ideas for our band. We still haven't chosen one. Although you guys had some great ideas...nothing really seemed to be THE ONE yet. (I especially loved the ones with the word grace in them...and "Falling on Faith" was an awesome one! Thanks Holly!) I will keep praying and seeking on this. For now, I will just refer to our little group as "The Band".

O.K., let me just say that the past few weeks leading up to our little "gig" in the park have been filled with some of the most intense spiritual warfare and overwhelming feelings of weariness and struggle I have had in a long time. I spent a lot of time in prayer and in the Word. The struggles in the days leading up to our performance were really hard. Our family has been so very busy, running to and fro. Sometimes, even serving can be tough. It's hard to minister to others when we are feeling this way...hard to get in front of people and share or sing. We had little time to just be...as almost every moment was filled. Marthas...that's what we were...desperately needing to see the preciousness of sitting at the feet of Jesus, like Mary... but feeling burdened with the responsibility of the next thing on the list. Not that we are not grateful for the opportunity to serve. We are. So grateful. And, we know that there are times when you have to push through those feelings and persevere...trusting the Lord to equip us when we feel unable to take one more step. And...He is always faithful!

I felt like I was drowning beneath a list of unanswered emails, unshipped shipments, unwritten blog posts, unkept rooms in my neglected house, unsent bills, unwritten thank you notes, unanswered phone calls, unfilled-out paper work...the list goes on and on. And then there were golf tournaments to attend and band practice. Errands to run. School and work to return to. Children to spend time with. A marriage to nurture. A sense of unworthiness and condemnation settled over me in the last few weeks. And, it felt a little like our family was in a pressure cooker and the heat kept getting turned up a notch as each new commitment was heaped a top our pile.

It's like that sometimes. I would love to say that I always have it together and float through life peacefully. That I never grow weary and feel overwhelmed. That I always clean my house, never snap at my husband, never raise my voice at my children, and never feel completely exhausted. But, I would be lying.

As the days approached, I grew more and more overwhelmed. The morning of the performance, I prayed early in the morning. And, the Lord led me to this perfect, amazing psalm as He urged me to focus on praising Him, instead of looking at the giant before me. I want to share it with you, today...in hopes that you will find encouragement for whatever you face.

I will praise You with my whole heart;
Before the gods I will sing praises to You.
I will worship toward Your holy temple,
And praise Your name
For Your lovingkindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word above all Your name.
In the day I cried out, You answered me,
And made me bold with strength in my soul.

All the kings of the earth shall praise You, O Lord,
When they hear the words of Your mouth.
Yes, they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
For great is the glory of the Lord,
Though the Lord is on high,
Yet He regards the lowly;But the proud He knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;
You will stretch out Your hand
Against the wrath of my enemies,
And Your right hand will save me.
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me;
Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

Psalm 138

Isn't that awesome?! His word so ministered to my weakened, weary, broken spirit. I shared the Psalm with the boys in the band and we prayed before practicing that morning. The "gig" turned out pretty well. There were plenty of little glitches, but it was a lot of fun and a blessing. I felt strengthened and encouraged. And, grateful for the opportunity. Tim and I are so thankful for Dave and Ryan for their willingness to join us for this. They did a great job! And, we are so thankful that we were invited to do this. Most of all...we are thankful for the faithfulness of our God who is able and willing to perfect that which concerns us. Because of His faithfulness...I want to praise Him with my whole heart...to sing of His ways...to praise Him with singing. And what a privilege it is to be allowed. Thank you for your prayers. They were felt and much appreciated!

Pastor James also had some encouraging words that I feel are valuable to share for those ministering to others in various ways. Sometimes, I struggle with the performance thing. I want to focus on the Lord and not my own performance or ability....to take comfort in His strength, not cower in my weakness. James wrote these words: "I always try to remind myself of what “success” means anytime I minister. So often we look at success as did a lot of people come, did it sound good or go good, were the people happy? When God has laid on my heart that success is simply being obedient to His will and letting Him take care of the fruit."

Well said, Pastor James...we love you!



Here are some pics of "The Band" from Saturday...We performed 17 praise and worship songs! (The most I've ever belted out at once!)

See the look on my husband's face...He is so ornery!



I won't even tell you what he just did with his guitar right before this picture was taken! Can you see my hand pushing it away? He is a stinker!






This picture made me smile, because Tim and Dave mastered "The Look" to cue each other on the endings and tempo changes...





I cracked up when I saw this pic. Dave and I both have the same "we're holding our breath" look on our faces!


Tim and I singing This Little Light of Mine...




Tim and I with Ryan "Sufficient Bass" Tackett...


May God get the glory...

Walking With You ~ Some Questions ~ MckLinky Working Now

This week, I am sharing some commonly asked questions about grieving the loss of a child...and some answers. Much more could be said on each of these topics...but since this is a blog post, I will try to limit my answers. You may blog about a similar topic...or share what is on your heart this week.

1. Will I feel like this forever? When will I feel normal again?

This is a question I think many of us have asked ourselves at some point in this journey. There is a point when grief can feel so overwhelming. Suddenly life as we know it has ceased to exist. We are thrust into this foreign land...this tumultuous sea that we cannot control or predict. The unknown surrounds us washing away the security we once knew. We long for someone who has walked this path to come along and tell us that we will not feel like we are drowning forever. While we will never be exactly the same again, a new normal will settle upon us. Life will not always feel like this foreign land we have been flung into, without warning.

I used to wish that I had a fast forward button. The feeling was so unpleasant to me, that I just wanted to fast forward through the intense grief to the place of restoration. I wondered where the me I had once known had disappeared to and how I could get her back. Even in wondering, I knew she wasn't coming back...but I didn't know this new person.

Although I never when to a support group, and still maintain that I am not a support-group person (even though this is sort of like an online support group!), preferring instead to count on scripture, prayer, and close friends to walk with me in the valley, there was a point when I just needed someone who had walked there to tell me that I would not feel like this forever. That the smothering darkness of this sorrow would lift and light would shine again.

A few months in, I did call someone on a list I was given by the hospital. She reassured me that I would not feel this way forever. And, she was right. She also understood my feelings about the rest of the world moving on, while I was still grieving. She understood the way that you could only understand if you had walked this path. I guess that's why I started Walking With You...because I know that there is a point where we need to hear from someone who has experienced this that we will not feel this way forever...that a new normal will occur...that we will be transformed, but completely restored. I am here to say that God has done that in my life through this journey...take comfort in the hope of His promises for you.

You may want an exact answer...a time table. There isn't one. The truth is that there is no fast forward button. Grief is hard work, and it takes time. You cannot go around it. You must walk through it. You must allow the waves of the terrible sea to wash over you. They are cleansing...and necessary. And, the only way to keep from drowning completely is to cling to the One who is able to restore us. He does and He will make all things beautiful in His time.

2. I have heard this comment several times from grieving individuals. "I read your words, and I can see that there is hope...that God has restored your life. But...what I want to know is how? How do you do this? How do you get through it?"

I don't have a quick, easy answer for this. Everyone is so unique in their grief and their struggles. I clung to the Lord as if my life depended on it. And, it did. When I was too weak to hold on to Him, He held on to me. I read the bible, prayed, talked endlessly to friends who were willing to listen to me share the details over and over again. I cried buckets of tears. I was angry sometimes, felt forsaken and hopeless sometimes, wondered when this would end, and cried out for help to the Lord over and over again. It wasn't pretty. When we write words on a page, it all seems to be tied up so neatly in a package. It wasn't like that. I did not do this perfectly. I am absolutely not a poster child for the way to properly grieve. I don't think anyone could fill that role. We are all different...and we do the best we can. I wish there was a formula I could give you to get from the point of grief to restoration. I know the deep desire to get from that pit to restoration...from the ashes to the beauty. Boy, do I know. (Please keep in mind, it was 8 years from the time we lost our babies until I felt led to reach out and minister to others. I did not come to this place over night. God worked in my life over time...and He's still working on me!)

All I can say is to keep looking to the Lord, keep holding on to Him, keep believing His promises...even when your feelings don't match up. And know this...it's not about your performance. It's not about doing it right. His grace is poured out over you...and His grace is always sufficient. You don't have to find the way from point A to B...from ashes to restoration. Just trust the Lord, and let Him take you there.

In the mean time...just do the next thing, as Elizabeth Elliot says. Keep it simple. Take care of yourself. Put one foot in front of the other. Get out of bed. (Some days!) Brush your teeth. Don't look too far ahead. Just do the next thing...whatever it is.

3. How do we know when we should try to have another baby?

I have been asked this question several times by parents...and even medical staff (seeking a parent's perspective). There are books on the subject that could cover the medical, physical, and even emotional aspects better than I ever could. And, my answer may seem almost like a cop-out. What I am going to tell you is to pray and trust the Lord with this. Go ahead and read about the other aspects. They do matter.(There is a book by Sherokee Isle called, Another Baby, Maybe? that may cover some of this.) But, God is in control of all of those things. And, He is the Giver of Life, the Great Physician, the Creator, and the One who knows the beginning from the end. Who else would we trust for something so big?

Now, there are practical things to consider. Your body needs time to heal, as does your heart. Consult your physician to determine physical readiness. Talk to your husband; this is a decision you should make together. And...pray, pray, pray for the Lord's guidance.

Again, there is no formula for knowing when you are ready, and you will probably always have some anxiety about having another baby. I was once asked at a conference for medical staff how my husband and I determined we were ready to have another baby after losing three of our children. The answer was, "We didn't."

After Faith and Grace, we were desperate to have a baby to fill our empty arms. We tried as soon as we were able. There were physical complications that hindered us for about a year. When we conceived Thomas, we were excited and nervous, prayerful and anxious. After Thomas passed away, we did not leap into trying for another baby. Although I wanted to think it was possible someday, Tim wanted to protect our family from walking this painful path once more. Still very much wanting a baby, we did not want to walk through another difficult pregnancy that could end with the loss of another child. We never decided to try again. And, I don't know after that if we would have been able to make that decision on our own. While on birth control, it was decided for us, because James was conceived. The pregnancy was difficult physically and emotionally. We almost lost him early on. Tim and I struggled clumsily through by the grace of God. And miraculously, James was born and lives to tell the story. And, even more miraculously...our marriage lives to tell it's story.

4. Don't forget about the dads.

Definitely not. Dads are often forgotten when parents are grieving. Maybe because they often do not show their grief outwardly the same as mothers do. Maybe because they seem less comfortable sometimes with the outward display. Maybe because people are even less sure how to minister to grieving fathers than grieving mothers. My heart goes out to dads in this situation. Often, I think of how they are not only grieving the loss of their child, but they are dealing with the added weight of not being able to ease the sorrow of their wives. Most men feel the need to protect and fix things. They couldn't protect their family from this tragedy, and they can't fix the brokenness of grief. That is extremely difficult for a husband and father. Add it to his own grief, and it's often unbearable. I am not a man, and do not feel qualified to give a man advice on this. But, I will say that it would probably be helpful to talk with other men who have lost children. And, keep on communicating with your wife. I have read many fathers write of their struggle with that, and encourage one another not to bottle it all up and pull away. Please know that we see your pain and we love you even if we don't know how to help. And, please keep seeking the Lord, and leaning on Him. He is big enough to carry you and your family...and, it's O.K. to let Him.

Our other most frequently asked questions were about struggling with grief in marriage and sibling grief, which I think we covered previously on Walking With You. (To visit previous links, click on the Walking With You icon at the top of this post.) We have had a request to share about what it will be like in heaven when we are reunited with our babies. I like that idea...and do plan do do a future Walking With You on that topic. I have had several questions regarding starting our ministry, the ministries of other moms, and other ways to remember our babies. I think that deserves it's own post! Next week, I will be taking a break from Walking With You, since I will be returning to my school-year job as a paraprofessional working with special needs students. So...there will be no Walking With You next week. But, when we return the following Thursday, we will be sharing special ways we incorporate the memory of our babies into our families and also ministries or other outreaches the Lord has led us to start to comfort others and honor the lives of our children.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER REQUEST: Please pray for our family as we are feeling the effects of this busy season in our lives. While always grateful for opportunities to serve the Lord, we are very weighted with time demands on our family. Please also pray for our upcoming musical performance...that we would glorify the Lord, that my voice would not give out (as I've been singing more than usual lately...and it's getting worn out!), that we would be able to practice together without over-taking our family time too drastically...and other things that the Lord knows. Thanks so much...and, please let me know how I can pray for you, too!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I leave you with these words from a previous post, dear ones:
So, what do we do while we watch the waters rise around us, wondering if they will overtake us? In the sea of grief...in the uncertainty of the unknown...in the hopelessness that threatens, what do we do when the waters rise?

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a

We hold on...to the hope we have in Him. We hold on until we are too weak, too weary, too overcome. We hold on until we can't anymore. And then, He holds on to us. As the waters rush in over our heads and we let go...He grabs our hands as we are sinking. And He lifts us to higher ground. He holds us until we are able to hold on again. He whispers to our hearts, "Pay no attention to the rushing waters rising around you, dear one. For I have redeemed you...I have called you by name...you are Mine...I will be with you...I will hold you above the waters. Trust in Me...for I am the Lord, your God."

When the waters rise...when it looks hopeless or impossible...remember His promise to you and keep your eyes fixed on Him.

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19

When the waters rise, the One who makes rivers in the desert holds me...and He will hold you, too.

Love to all...

"I Don't Wanna" Confessions...Gifts from Blog Friends...and Wanna Name My Band?

WARNING A KEEPIN' IT REAL HODGE PODGE OF A POST IS ABOUT TO ENSUE:

You probably don't remember the I'm Just Gonna post I wrote back when two people read my blog. I was full of the "I Don't Wanna's" and vowed to let them rule my mood no longer when I wrote this post, as summer's end was nearing and a new school year was approaching.

Instead, my new theme was:

"No More I Don't Wanna...
From Now On, I'm Just Gonna!"

Or something catchy like that. Well, I'm looking at another school year. Sigh. And, I've been plaqued once more with "I Don't Wanna's". Time to renew my vows, I think. Time to get organized...stop squandering my time. Get it together. Get going.

In addition to the "I Don't Wanna's" in the organization department, I might as well just confess the other thing I've been slacking on. After all, we're all friends here, right? I haven't been exercising or eating right. The result...an extra twenty pounds and a lack of energy. Twenty pounds comes on fast when you're not looking. Evidence that we really do "reap what we sow"!

I'm hoping in admitting my recent struggles, I will remain accountable as I try to get back on track with healthy eating, exercise, and organization. And, also...I know that you will pray for and encourage me. And, I so appreciate that.

O.K....now that I got that off my chest, guess what?! Last week, I won prizes from two different bloggy-friends!!!! (Or chums, if you will!) I thought I'd share them here...after all, it's not every week that a girl wins... twice!

Sweet Lynnette sent me this adorable bag! Thanks Lynnette! I love this cute bag...love the colors (exactly the one I would have chosen if I was choosing) love your blog...and I love you!


And...what do you know? Another package from a bloggy-friend...


Teresa (a.k.a. Grammy Girlfriend) sent me one of her "surprise" gift boxes full of greeting cards, stationary, Christmas ornaments, and other goodies! See my look of "surprise"! Hee-hee! Thanks so much, Teresa. I love your fun blog, loved my box of goodies, and love you!


And...one final item to round out this "Keepin' it real...Hodge Podge of a Post". Tim and I are doing some music at the Corn City Festival this Saturday. Our friends, Dave and Ryan are joining us. So...we now have a band! =) But, we do not have a name. And, I thought...just for fun...maybe you wonderful, creative blog friends of mine would like to help give us some ideas! We perform Christian music...contemporary and old hymns with a twist (a little more rocker than when I perform at ladies' tea parties. As I like to say..."this ain't no ladies tea party!" You know...if I were all tough and used poor grammar like that, which I don't!) Our bass player joked that we could name the band, Sufficient Bass. I don't think so, Ryan...=) The band will hopefully (eventually) write some music and become an outreach of Sufficient Grace. Proceeds from our (one little)performance will be donated to Sufficient Grace Ministries. So, any ideas???

Walking With You ~ The Things People Say

This week we are sharing some of the things that people said to us while we were in the throes of grief...for better or for worse. Losing a child changes a person, and along with that comes changes in our relationships with friends and relatives. In some ways, our new perspective reveals what's really important in life, and who really cares about us.

Every grieving mother I have met has been hurt by the words of someone else. Sometimes those words were well-intentioned from someone who was supposed to love the broken-hearted mother. Some words don't seem to have been thought out at all or may come from the heart of one who is bitter and hurting. I talked a little about this in my Where is the Love? post. And, before I get too far into this, I do just want to say a few words in defense of those who have said words that caused harm, but did not intend to do so.

I have been a grieving mother...a mother who has walked this path. A mother who has heard the hurtful words. A mother who had some friends who just couldn't be around her. Friends who didn't want to hear about her babies. Friends who didn't understand her loss. (I also have wonderful friends who did love me, pray for me, cry with me and come alongside me. They were few in number...but they exist. We have many friends who support our efforts to reach out to others, now. But the early days were lonely.) And yet, I have also inadvertently said insensitive things to a mother who had several losses. Not knowing of her struggle to have children, and the heart ache of the losses she had endured, I said something about what a great dad her husband would be. She looked at me as if I had stabbed her in the heart. And, in fact...my words had done just that. Did I intend to harm her? No...absolutely not. But, I did...unknowingly. And, I of all people should know that we never know where someone has walked. We never know what they have endured...what they may be suffering. We should be careful with our words.

While talking with another mom who has lost a child a few weeks ago, she asked me what she should say to a mom who had just lost her young baby. She was delivering a Dreams of You Basket to her. She and I both knew the answer at the same time....There are no words. Just hug her. Maybe say you are sorry. Offer her your love and prayers. But...the reason it is so hard to say the right thing...the reason so many people say the wrong thing...is because in reality, there are no words. There are no words that can comfort the ache...the canyon of sorrow. None.

My lovely friend Dawn, from Marshall Photography made a great point a couple weeks ago in her comment on my Where is the Love post.

Dawn wrote:
"And when they raised their eyes from afar, and did not recognize him, they lifted their voices and wept, and each one tore his robe and sprinkled dust on his head toward heaven. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great." Job 2:12-13
If only his comforters had continued what they started and simply stayed by Job's side, instead of trying to explain or give counsel. How many times we try to do things in love...and in the end, we screw it up.

She and I shared a conversation about her comment. She talked about Job's friends...and the fact that they just sat with Job in his grief for seven days. They wept with him. They just stayed beside him. They were willing to walk with him...but they said nothing. Now, we all know that Job's friends fell short after that. But...when did they get into trouble? When did they cease to be a comfort to Job? When they opened their mouths to speak in judgment of Job. Boy does that saw a lot.

Please don't let the fact that we are expressing the words that hurt us frighten you from reaching out in love to a grieving mom. I know it is intimidating. I know you don't know what to say in the face of such grief. Please know that we are grateful for those of you who do reach out...and don't be afraid to do it. We want to hear you acknowledge the lives of our precious children. We want to know that you care...that you see our pain. We are blessed by your efforts and comforted by your love. We all need to give each other some grace in this area. And, please know that there were wonderful people who prayed for us, who sent heartfelt cards, flowers, gifts, hugs, and expressions of sympathy. We so appreciate and found great comfort in their efforts.

If I could confess something here (of course, I can!), I struggle with knowing what to say or do often when a grieving mom comes my way. I have often felt that my friend, Ginny, is much better at walking with a grieving heart than I. She has a gift for coming alongside someone who is hurting. I suppose that's what led her to be a nurse. I will always be grateful for the way that she laid down her own life to walk with me during the most intense days of my grief.

I know...I have this ministry. But, I don't have all the answers. Again, it isn't about our abilities...but the Lord's ability to use us...to work through us, broken vessels that we are. We can't let our imperfections or the fear that we will not do it right, keep us from reaching out in love. There is grace, even for those of us who don't always say the right thing. I'm often much better at writing words than saying them in the moment. I like to take time to contemplate and edit myself. Unfortunately, life isn't always like that. In those moments, we can pray and maybe just say very little but be there for the grieving person.

We have shared here that many of the most hurtful things said to us, came from those who should love us. We listed the cliche sayings. Many of you know that I've never been a fan of "God doesn't give us more than we can handle". (I mean no offense if you like that statement.) Lots of things in life are more than I can handle. Burying my children is among them. It isn't about what I can handle, it's about the size of my God, and His ability to carry me through. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I don't have to be strong.

Many of you shared that you did not feel love at your church...that you were met with judgment or ignored. Sometimes we mistakenly think that Christians aren't ever supposed to hurt or struggle. Grief doesn't fit well with that philosophy. It hurts and it tosses you about and turns your world upside down. Hurting doesn't mean that you lack faith. It just means that you have lost something or someone that you dearly loved. Even Jesus wept in the sight of the sorrow of His friends when they lost their brother Lazarus. I'm so sorry that we fail to love as we should, and I wish we would show the love of Jesus more in the body of Christ. My church as a whole has been wonderful, but I have been hurt by the insensitivity and ignorance of individuals...maybe not meaning to. But it hurt just the same.

Even bible verses can be twisted to hurt us in grief. Lynnette shares about this in her book, In Faithfulness, He afflicted Me in Chapter 3. Lynnette writes: People quoted scripture to us verbally and in notes. These were also a great source of comfort, but on occasion, even a verse was the wrong thing. For instance, a verse like, "Count it all joy when you fall into various trials" would probably be better discovered by oneself than received from another. (Chapt. 3, pg. 55 In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me)

Someone sent me a card with a verse about the "seed that fell from the tree and died so that it could bear much fruit". Although, I understand what they were trying to say...at the time of raw grief those words stabbed my heart. I didn't want fruit, and I didn't want to think that my baby had to die so that there could be fruit. I wanted my baby! I didn't want to be judged on my performance, on how much faith I had or how well it was displayed as I carried this cross. That was a battle for me...one that the Lord's grace helped me overcome as He taught me a different way. But, many times the words of well-meaning friends were used for harm. I know that they didn't mean it...that they didn't understand. They hadn't walked there. They could only relate with their own experience.

I have heard..."You can have other children. You're pregnant again! How many babies do you have now? Don't you wish you had a little girl? You really need to stop burdening your family with this grief. Now isn't the time for this. Get it together, Kelly. You just need to give this to the Lord. Christians shouldn't grieve without hope. Aren't you over this yet? It's really time to move on." And so many more.

Some of these words are true. We CAN give it to the Lord and Christians shouldn't grieve without hope. But, what does that look like? Does that mean we will never cry or hurt? Does it mean that we will never feel a moment of doubt or fear? No...we will feel all of those things. We will have bad days. The difference is that we know Who to go to. We know the One who is able to carry us through the dark valley. We take all the broken pieces of ourselves to the One who is able to put us back together again. And, when He does...we are no longer exactly as we were before. We are a new creation. And, what shines forth from the ashes is a thing of great beauty.

There is a freedom and a joy on the other side of grief that I would have never known. While I never would have asked for this path, I can see many beautiful gifts...and yes even fruit...from having walked it. There is a love my family would have never known. And, there are things I would not have experienced. But, in those moments of early grief, I probably wasn't ready to hear about the promise of all of that. I just needed someone to weep with me, pray for me, and walk with me. Someone to get it.

As we emerge as that new person, we are different in many ways. Perspective changes. What once seemed so important no longer matters. It is replaced with things you never thought much about before, but now realize matter a great deal. Sweet Holly said it well in this post. While we will heal and joy will be restored in our lives, we are forever changed. Our very personality may even change. And, we will never get over losing our children. Not that we wallow in grief forever. Not that we will not be fully healed and complete. We will, but we will have a missing place in our hearts until we reach heaven's welcoming gates. A place where a much loved, dearly cherished, longed for and dreamed about life once lived. Now that life lives on in heaven...the place that we are homesick for, at times. Our children will forever be part of the tapestry of our lives...they are part of who we are. Please understand that. We can no more deny them than we could our children who walk this earth with us.

I am so grateful that we have a place that we are free to share about our children. I know that many of you feel, as I have, that you weren't embraced by others when you wished to share about your children in heaven. What a gift this blog family has been, and how I cherish the love shown here. Lynnette has said before how she longed for someone to be able to tell her that she would get through this...that she wouldn't feel that way forever. I so longed for that, as well, after the loss of my babies.

Lynnette writes:
Right after Anna died I desperately needed somebody who had lost a child to tell me I'd be okay. I was so sick with grief that I didn't feel I'd ever recover. I couldn't imagine ever being truly happy again without Anna...it just didn't seem possible. That somebody never came. I did recover though. God was all I really needed. My joy did return. God did turn my mourning into dancing.

God is enough...and He has been enough for me, too. But, He is so good...and always gives us exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. He gives us each other to walk alongside one another on this path. Even though God has also turned my mourning into dancing, I so treasure this community. And, because we have walked there...and because He has traded our tears for songs of joy...we can tell you that this grief will not last forever. You will not always hurt this much. Your joy will return.

I still so cherish the fact that I can share my Faith, Grace, and Thomas here. And, we are received unlike most places in our lives. There is no uncomfortable pause when I write their names. Indeed, many of you write them and know them as you do your own. Oh, how that blesses my heart. And, I will never tire of reading their names...of knowing they are spoken. For, I am a mother, as are you...whether your babies live on earth or in heaven. You are a mother, just the same. And, as I've said before...I never would have chosen this path...and I'm so sorry that you are walking it, now...but, I'm so grateful for the beautiful privilege of walking it with you. And, I'm so grateful for being the mother of these precious children...of all my children...and the beautiful gifts that each one has brought to my life.

Thanks for enduring this lonnnnng post! There really is even more to say about this, which I guess is why I need to get cracking on writing that book! I look forward to reading your insights and experiences on this week's walk.

Next week, we are doing something a little different. I will be doing a post answering many of the questions that people have asked me about grieving the loss of a child. If you have a question you would like covered in that post or a topic suggestion for a future post, please leave it in the comments below, or email me: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com. You may write your post offering your own feelings or insights to the questions...or share whatever is on your own heart next week. Following that, we will be doing some posts about heaven and the promise of meeting our children once more.

Love to all...

Answers...

Thought I'd do a little post to answer the few questions a couple of you asked while visiting my porch last week. O.K....so only Jennifer and Holly asked questions. But, I knew I could count on them! Thanks girls!

Jennifer asked how old I am. I am thirty-four years old, but sometimes I feel much older. Other times, I am shocked to realize that I am no longer in my twenties! Having a teenage son and walking through some of the life experiences I have, sort of makes me feel a little older sometimes. Laughing with my kids always keeps me young, though!

Holly asked where I used to hang out back in the day. Well, there weren't a whole lot of options in this little town of 2,000. Our favorite was probably Morrow's Pizza. Best pizza and hoagies....hands down. It sadly no longer exists, and although many have attempted to copy their delicacies, it has never been achieved. Tim and I went there after our little wedding back in 1994. We sat at the bar...him in his suit from JC Penney's and me in my creme pants suit with the flower comb in my hair, telling Papa Morrow's son that we had just got married. Some of our pictures from the Walking With You photo shoot were behind Morrows. Oh...the memories. We also hung out at the bowling alley (Deshler Lanes), my husband's (then my boyfriend, of course) barn, and each other's houses. We would swim at my mom's swimming pool, talk for hours in my friend Nicki's room and drooling over the posters of big-haired rocker boys covering her walls, cruise around looking for boys, sometimes we would go to Southwyck Mall in Toledo, or the Findlay Mall. We cruised Findlay a few times. The Henry County Fair was always a hit, and of course the legendary Hamler Summerfest. Please keep in mind...these were hang outs when I was younger. And I am definitely not the same girl that I was then. Our current places to hang out are where ever our kids are playing their sport of the season, church, and home!

Holly also asked how often we putt putt at Shady Grove and if we get ice cream there. Well, we only putt putt there (or golf the par 3 course) when we are waiting for Timothy to finish a golf tournament on one of the other courses in the Findlay area. We were going to get ice cream there once, but the line was ridiculously long...and, I do not do long lines if I can help it. It annoys my children immensely! Maybe next time!

And because I like her picture of us better than mine...and I'm still so happy that I got to meet her...here's another picture of me and Holly from the Ride 4 Grace event.




For our local friends, Tim and I will be performing some Christian music at the Corn City Festival on Saturday, August 22 at 11:30am. Our friend Dave Amspoker will be playing the drums and Ryan Tackett will be playing the bass. Oh yeah...we have a band! How fun is that...or funny, whichever?!

Also...I am trying out the Blog Frog Community Thingy. My Community is called The Sufficient Grace Gathering Place. You'll notice the link and a question I posted in my sidebar. I hope you'll join in the discussion. I wanted to know what you are reading - books, blogs, whatever. So, join on in! I'd love to hear more about you!

Ride 4 Grace and Blog World Collides With Real Life

Guess what is happening right now?!

The first annual Ride 4 Grace...that's right! My sweet blog friend, Holly (Carleigh's mama), brought some family members to support this little event hosted by our dear friend Dave Amspoker. You rock, Holly...and I love you!

Since the event is going on right now...as we speak (blog), I am not even sure how many bikers road off into the blazing, breezy summer heat just less than an hour ago. But, I think that there were maybe 12 or 13 bikes. Several had more than one rider. So...it was a small group, but full of willing hearts. And that's always a blessing.

Some riders we knew...like some of our dear church friends. And some we did not. But we are grateful to all who participated and especially to Dave and Brooke who are such supportive and dear friends. And best of all...I just met and hugged my Holly-girl IN REAL LIFE!!! Not a fake cyber-hug...but a real squeeze. It was so great to meet her.

I'm sitting here wishing I just would have hopped on the back of someone's bike or drove behind them so that I could enjoy some ice cream with these beautiful, generous people who came out to support Sufficient Grace Ministries. Or...invited Holly and her sweet family to dinner. I didn't get to visit with them long. But, still...I was so glad to see Holly's beautiful face in person! This was Dave's event. My part was just to share a little about Sufficient Grace and say a prayer before sending everyone off.

It is ridiculously hot and insanely windy (as you will notice in the photos below). My hair is blowing every which way!

Holly and I in all of our wind-blown glory!



Gathering in front of our church, Harvest Fellowhip, as we wait...


I shared a little about Sufficient Grace...



Yes...our church is in the middle of a corn field...




Apparently, I use my hands a lot when I talk. There are about five more pics just like these. Ahem...

Our friend Dave (host of Ride 4 Grace) and his wife, Brooke...aren't they cute? We love you guys!

John and Kathy from church...


And, off they go...into the wild blue yonder...




My husband, Tim, looking on wistfully...no bike for him. Maybe someday, honey...


Thank you again to all of you...for helping us to continue to reach out and meet the needs of grieving families. Hopefully Holly will fill in the details that I missed (as I sit here...while the riders ride) on her blog when she gets back.

Hope everyone had fun!

On my Porch...Ten Things...or Fifty

O.K....so in real life, I don't even have a back porch. And, while I do have a front step, I'm not sure if it even qualifies as a "porch" per se. But, in my heart, I have a wrap-around front porch with beautiful flower-filled hanging baskets and a porch swing waiting for us to meet and sip our lemonade and talk for hours about whatever fancies us. (In my mind, I say things like fancies...because, well, I'm all Southern like that! Even though I'm not.)

After my little lament about how things change, and how much I appreciate and love all of you who come to sit on my "virtual" porch and walk this life with me, my sweet-blog friend, Lynnette thought of the great idea for us to gather together on our "porches" and sit a spell. I sure wish I would have thought of it, but I'm glad she did...so I thought I'd join in.

O.K....we're supposed to think of ten things about us...so here are my ten and a few more, because I never seem to be at a loss for words.




1. I am passionate about: loving Jesus, my family, serving in ministry, and the friendships God has blessed us with.

2. I love to: eat yummy food and enjoy conversation with friends, golf with friends and family (although I am hopelessly not improving my game. Many of you will remember my theme, "If you can't be good at something, you better at least look cute doing it." I stand wholeheartedly by that statement, and at least shoot for that goal...for as long as it is possible...even if it's just my husband who thinks so!), go to church and worship with my beloved church family, read books when I can, enjoy the warmth of a sweet summer day, take naps, sing songs of worship, and delve further into the beauty of God's word.

3. I spend my time: hanging out with my family, blogging, praying, chatting with friends, reading, going on bike rides, walking with moms who grieve, watching my boys play golf, baseball, soccer and various other activities, working on Sufficient Grace Ministries, and during the school year...working one-on-one with special needs kids.

4. I live in the same small railroad town in the midwest where I grew up, in a little house in town. I would love to live in the country or by a golf course some day.

5. My two favorite places to be are: in my husband's arms and on a golf course. I love the beauty of all the shades of green...of the trees and the rolling hills, the contrast of the green against the blue sky.




6. I want to finish writing the book I started about our family's journey through loss to hope and healing...about the sufficiency of God's grace...and the gift of how He makes beauty from the ashes of our lives.

7. I am terribly disorganized and really need to simplify my life. I have taken one step forward and two steps back in this area of my life.

8. God is teaching me: well...a lot of things! About His grace, trusting Him, humility, to enjoy this moment He has given me, and not worry about tomorrow or regret yesterday.

9. My personality....hmmm...there are so many layers, like an onion. A stinky onion! I can be serious when need be, but much prefer laughter to tears (or laughter through tears, as Dolly says), I am ridiculously forgetful, struggle with being late, while I like to seem polished and prepared...I am often flying by the seat of my pants on a wing and a prayer. I cry easily and feel compassion for others. I talk...a lot. (Hold the title for Most Talkative in High School...thank you very much!) Words in all forms are my friend. I am outgoing. Very focused when in "work mode" as Pastor James would say. Not very focused every other minute of my life...as I often have 100 things going on in different directions in my life. "Too many irons in the fire" as my dear husband often says.

10. I love to laugh...deep belly, snorting laughs. At our house, humor covers a multitude of sins. We have used humor to get through many situations. And, I'm so grateful for the gift of laughter. And for being married to the funniest, hardest-working, most beautiful person I know for the past fifteen years.

Thanks for stopping by and sitting a spell with me. I hope to visit everyone's porch sometime in this busy weekend (in between singing in a wedding, going to church, and sending off the Ride 4 Grace bikers!). I hope you'll come back again...and I pray that you feel loved and encouraged whenever you visit. I don't normally do this...because, truth be told, I'm afraid no one would ask any questions. But, if you have a question for me...something I haven't mentioned (is there anything left?), please ask it in the comments and I will answer in a future post. I look forward to getting to know all of you better.

Come back and visit again soon!

Walking With You ~ Sibling Grief/ The Next Pregnancy

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome.

I apologize that this Walking With You post is up late. I have been having trouble with my Internet. I finally was able to get online, so I'm typing fast in hopes that I can get this post up before it goes down again. It's sort of in and out right now.

This week, we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy. Hope that wasn't too confusing. I am writing like the wind, here...and hoping it comes out O.K.

Timothy was two years old when we were expecting Faith and Grace. His little life was turned upside down by my extreme illness and constant vomiting. Then there was a long hospital stay and little contact from me. Of course, he was doted on by his grandmas (my mom and Tim's)...so much so that when I finally returned from the hospital, I had to peel him off my mom. He was getting used to the "spoiling"!

When Faith and Grace passed away, I told him as simply as I could, in language he could understand. He has always been a very perceptive person and a deep thinker. I told him that Faith and Grace were very sick and too sick to stay...that God took them to heaven to heal them. I shared that He gave them new bodies in heaven...bodies that were perfect and they would never be sick again. He seemed intrigued about the fact that they would have new eyes to see differently than we do.

In the weeks following their passing, Timothy drew pictures of his sisters (stick figures with really big heads!). He would sometimes give me a picture when he saw me crying...to "make me feel better". He knew instinctively how much I missed them. I ran a home daycare at the time and during the early weeks of my grief, I was not working. For Timothy that meant no children filling our house with life. Lonely and sad, sometimes he would stand at the window and say, in the saddest little voice..."no kids coming today".

He loved to talk about his sisters and look at their pictures. He didn't seem to notice their brokenness. That was so refreshing to me. Because I didn't see their brokenness either. As time went on, others grew uncomfortable or tired of hearing about Faith and Grace. But he never did.

We would talk about what heaven was like and what they would be doing in heaven. On their first (and subsequent birthdays), we would celebrate together (with my friend Ginny sometimes) with cookies and cupcakes...pink, of course for our little girls. He would blow out the candle. We would talk about them playing in heaven and Timothy decided they would be wearing Barbie pajamas! I loved his child-like faith...and I loved his openness in sharing about his sisters. Sometimes he would even run to get their picture when a visitor came...making others uncomfortable. I loved his lack of inhibition. And, truth be told...I think we could learn a little from the way children experience grief. They live their lives and let out their feelings as they come.

With Thomas, Timothy had already experienced loss. So, he knew that pregnancy did not guarantee a baby. It broke my heart that he knew that at the tender age of four years. He prayed for this baby to stay. He prayed for a brother. A brother, he was given. But, we soon found out...that this baby would not stay either. We told him that Thomas was very sick, and the doctors say he probably will not stay. He will go to heaven when he is born. It was so confusing, because Thomas was still alive in my growing belly. He shook his head and his little voice sounded strangled as he choked out the words. "So, I won't get to hold this baby either. He will not come home." We told him that we could pray for God to heal Thomas...and let him stay...that God could do anything. And we needed to trust Him. I hugged him. He was heart broken, but trying to be tough.

When Thomas was born, it seemed like such a whirlwind. As long as I walk this earth, I will regret not bringing Timothy to meet his brother when he was alive...not letting him hold him. Tim was in so much turmoil and I didn't want to add to it. I didn't know if it would be more painful or confusing to Timothy to meet his brother. But, that decision caused Timothy great sorrow...and I'm so sorry for it. Not meeting his brother and holding him was very hard for Timothy...and he talked about that for a long time. I did bring him privately to the funeral home, and he touched Thomas' cheek. But, his skin felt different than a baby usually feels. And the experience was not a comfort.

We talked often about Thomas and what he would do in heaven also. We shared pictures. Timothy kept praying for a brother. We started traditions, like giving a shoebox filled with presents every Christmas to the Good Samaritan organization in memory of each child. In the early years, we bought Christmas ornaments to remember the babies. We had birthday celebrations...sometimes just Timothy and I...for many years. We would read "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" and "Someday Heaven"... we loved to talk about heaven. And those talks were a comfort to my heart as well as his.

In the fall of 2000, God answered Timothy's prayers and blessed us with another pregnancy. (To read more about our pregnancy with James, click here.) Timothy spent the time praying that this baby would stay. He would often ask me, "Mom, do you think this baby will stay?" I could never say yes for sure. I would say that I hoped the baby would stay...and that I was praying, too. We almost lost James, and there were complications in the first and second trimester. I don't think I shared those with Timothy. His prayers for his brother to stay were so heart-wrenching. He was six years old by this time. So young to have faced such serious truths of life and death.

His brother, James, was born on May 3, 2001. And, this time, he came to the hospital. He held his brother, with a sigh of relief. James came home. And, he doted on him lovingly (for the first couple years, at least!).

When my mom passed away in October 2006, Timothy walked the path of grief once more. This time, as a young man. My mom was sort of "his place" where he was always adored...loved...accepted, just how he is. She was his person, you know. He would talk to her when he didn't feel he could talk to me (and yes, I wish he never felt that way...but, sadly he does). His grief now is more like a man...and he doesn't share it with me. But, I know that it was heart-breaking and life changing to say good-bye to his grandmother. And, I know all of the loss he has experienced has shaped his heart and his life. He had to learn very young what most of us don't know until we are much older.

Sometimes, we do still talk about what life would be like with all five children here in our little house...and what they would be doing now. We have always focused on the hope of heaven...that we will see our loved ones again someday. And there will be no more good-byes...no more tears. And bodies will not ever be sick or broken.

And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them, and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful." ~ Revelation 21:3-4

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a lot of resources this week. I just want to encourage you to talk to your children. Include them as much as possible in the process. Share moments and make memories with them that include your babies in heaven. Realize that siblings are grieving as well. Be available to talk and listen. Answer their questions simply and age-appropriately. Shower them with love and reassurance. Keep their schedules stable and structured. Routine can be reassuring. Share comforting scripture about the promise of heaven. Pray with them and encourage them to pray. There are things, as I have shared, that I regret...it's difficult sometimes to make the best decisions in our own grief. Know that God's grace can cover our mistakes.

A few books:

Sibling Grief ~ Wintergreen Press
Mommy Please Don't Cry
Someday Heaven
Tear Soup
Someday We'll Play in Heaven ~ Strannigan (Standard Publishing)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next week, we will talk about "What People Say"...some of the words people have said to us in our grief...for better or worse. How have our friendships changed. I also would like to share a little about grandparent grief. Thank you so much for joining us. If my computer dies, and I am not able to visit you right away, please know that you are on my mind, in my prayers, and I will be there for a visit soon.

Love to all...