Twelve Years in Heaven and a Sweet Release

(Thank you, Crystal, for remembering our sweet Thomas with the cupcake above!)


It has been twelve years since I held you in my arms, sweet Thomas...

There are so many things I wish I could tell you, so much I wish I could have done with the short time we were given...

I cannot believe how much a heart can ache for someone who was only here for nine months (in the womb) and six hours in my arms (part of the time, anyway)....

As you know, most of the time, I avoid the cemetery...you know I'd much rather think of you in heaven, where you truly are...safe in the arms of Jesus. The cemetery is a place I'd rather forget. It brings me no comfort.

And, yet...today, it seemed like we should go...

Sometimes years have passed without my feet stepping onto the sacred ground where countless tears have spilled...

But, today we went.




Today, I was surprised by the severity of the pain bubbling up between us, the ache of all that was missing swelling around our hearts as we held each other beside your grave...

Today, we remembered every part of what we are missing.

I meant to only celebrate your life, the gift and preciousness of you...

The promise of our forever reunion...

The hope we have in Jesus.

I meant for it to be a day like many others, full of light-hearted joy.

But it wasn't.

I've watched others do so many things to celebrate the lives of their babies...beautiful, wonderful, life-honoring things.

Things that I never did...

Some years we made a birthday cake, or cupcakes, or Ginny's cookies and quietly sang happy birthday. Our celebrations or remembrances were private...and we have always been protective of those sacred memories. Many years, we silently remembered or mentioned the day briefly. Of course we have never forgotten...we will never forget.

But, I never released balloons or anything grand and lovely.

Today, I decided it wasn't too late to honor every year that passed without a balloon release. So, I ordered twelve baby blue balloons for you, sweet boy...one for each year you have spent in heaven's glory.



We attached messages to you...birthday wishes...words of love...bible verses...

And, we sent them up toward heaven...along with the dreams in our hearts...




We all released balloons... but I won't be posting all the pictures...some things are still sacred and private.

Today was filled with memories, regrets, beauty from ashes, gratefulness, celebration of your life, and the comfort of the enduring love that carries this family...

Today was filled with sweet release...





As we watched the balloons floating up toward heaven, we remembered not only the beautiful boy we have been missing since you left our arms twelve years ago...but the love that came straight from heaven...the same love that will carry us home one day...the same love that carried you home twelve years ago...

The light of hope shone through the clouds...as it always does.

The hope of heaven...



The promise that we believe...even when we don't see...and we will keep on believing...and dreaming our dreams of you, until we see you and hold you again some sweet day...

Jesus said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
~ John 20:29

We love you, Thomas! Happy Birthday...and thank you for the gift of you...