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If you are new to our site, this blog is sort of a hodge podge of our ministry and family life, and whatever else God lays on my heart to share. The Home Page above will link you to our Sufficient Grace Ministries page. You can read more about the 501 (c) 3 non-profit organization and the outreaches of this ministry whose mission is to offer comfort and hope to grieving parents. The Blog button brings you to the page you are currently reading, featuring a variety of subjects...some ministry updates, some family news, and some biblically-based encouragement. The Walking With You page is a place for bereaved parents who have lost a baby or child to find encouragement and hope. It is an online support group created so that families would know they are not walking this path alone. On the Dreams of You Shop page, you can learn more about the products and services we offer, place an order, or sponsor a family. The Encouraging Women blog is a work in progress. There, we hope to offer biblically-based encouragement to all women. The Resource page has been newly updated with a list of resources that are helpful for grieving parents. Our blogroll is also located on this page. Thank you so much for visiting our site. Blessings to you...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Walking With You ~ Sibling Grief/ The Next Pregnancy



Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome.

I apologize that this Walking With You post is up late. I have been having trouble with my Internet. I finally was able to get online, so I'm typing fast in hopes that I can get this post up before it goes down again. It's sort of in and out right now.

This week, we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy. Hope that wasn't too confusing. I am writing like the wind, here...and hoping it comes out O.K.

Timothy was two years old when we were expecting Faith and Grace. His little life was turned upside down by my extreme illness and constant vomiting. Then there was a long hospital stay and little contact from me. Of course, he was doted on by his grandmas (my mom and Tim's)...so much so that when I finally returned from the hospital, I had to peel him off my mom. He was getting used to the "spoiling"!

When Faith and Grace passed away, I told him as simply as I could, in language he could understand. He has always been a very perceptive person and a deep thinker. I told him that Faith and Grace were very sick and too sick to stay...that God took them to heaven to heal them. I shared that He gave them new bodies in heaven...bodies that were perfect and they would never be sick again. He seemed intrigued about the fact that they would have new eyes to see differently than we do.

In the weeks following their passing, Timothy drew pictures of his sisters (stick figures with really big heads!). He would sometimes give me a picture when he saw me crying...to "make me feel better". He knew instinctively how much I missed them. I ran a home daycare at the time and during the early weeks of my grief, I was not working. For Timothy that meant no children filling our house with life. Lonely and sad, sometimes he would stand at the window and say, in the saddest little voice..."no kids coming today".

He loved to talk about his sisters and look at their pictures. He didn't seem to notice their brokenness. That was so refreshing to me. Because I didn't see their brokenness either. As time went on, others grew uncomfortable or tired of hearing about Faith and Grace. But he never did.

We would talk about what heaven was like and what they would be doing in heaven. On their first (and subsequent birthdays), we would celebrate together (with my friend Ginny sometimes) with cookies and cupcakes...pink, of course for our little girls. He would blow out the candle. We would talk about them playing in heaven and Timothy decided they would be wearing Barbie pajamas! I loved his child-like faith...and I loved his openness in sharing about his sisters. Sometimes he would even run to get their picture when a visitor came...making others uncomfortable. I loved his lack of inhibition. And, truth be told...I think we could learn a little from the way children experience grief. They live their lives and let out their feelings as they come.

With Thomas, Timothy had already experienced loss. So, he knew that pregnancy did not guarantee a baby. It broke my heart that he knew that at the tender age of four years. He prayed for this baby to stay. He prayed for a brother. A brother, he was given. But, we soon found out...that this baby would not stay either. We told him that Thomas was very sick, and the doctors say he probably will not stay. He will go to heaven when he is born. It was so confusing, because Thomas was still alive in my growing belly. He shook his head and his little voice sounded strangled as he choked out the words. "So, I won't get to hold this baby either. He will not come home." We told him that we could pray for God to heal Thomas...and let him stay...that God could do anything. And we needed to trust Him. I hugged him. He was heart broken, but trying to be tough.

When Thomas was born, it seemed like such a whirlwind. As long as I walk this earth, I will regret not bringing Timothy to meet his brother when he was alive...not letting him hold him. Tim was in so much turmoil and I didn't want to add to it. I didn't know if it would be more painful or confusing to Timothy to meet his brother. But, that decision caused Timothy great sorrow...and I'm so sorry for it. Not meeting his brother and holding him was very hard for Timothy...and he talked about that for a long time. I did bring him privately to the funeral home, and he touched Thomas' cheek. But, his skin felt different than a baby usually feels. And the experience was not a comfort.

We talked often about Thomas and what he would do in heaven also. We shared pictures. Timothy kept praying for a brother. We started traditions, like giving a shoebox filled with presents every Christmas to the Good Samaritan organization in memory of each child. In the early years, we bought Christmas ornaments to remember the babies. We had birthday celebrations...sometimes just Timothy and I...for many years. We would read "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" and "Someday Heaven"... we loved to talk about heaven. And those talks were a comfort to my heart as well as his.

In the fall of 2000, God answered Timothy's prayers and blessed us with another pregnancy. (To read more about our pregnancy with James, click here.) Timothy spent the time praying that this baby would stay. He would often ask me, "Mom, do you think this baby will stay?" I could never say yes for sure. I would say that I hoped the baby would stay...and that I was praying, too. We almost lost James, and there were complications in the first and second trimester. I don't think I shared those with Timothy. His prayers for his brother to stay were so heart-wrenching. He was six years old by this time. So young to have faced such serious truths of life and death.

His brother, James, was born on May 3, 2001. And, this time, he came to the hospital. He held his brother, with a sigh of relief. James came home. And, he doted on him lovingly (for the first couple years, at least!).

When my mom passed away in October 2006, Timothy walked the path of grief once more. This time, as a young man. My mom was sort of "his place" where he was always adored...loved...accepted, just how he is. She was his person, you know. He would talk to her when he didn't feel he could talk to me (and yes, I wish he never felt that way...but, sadly he does). His grief now is more like a man...and he doesn't share it with me. But, I know that it was heart-breaking and life changing to say good-bye to his grandmother. And, I know all of the loss he has experienced has shaped his heart and his life. He had to learn very young what most of us don't know until we are much older.

Sometimes, we do still talk about what life would be like with all five children here in our little house...and what they would be doing now. We have always focused on the hope of heaven...that we will see our loved ones again someday. And there will be no more good-byes...no more tears. And bodies will not ever be sick or broken.

And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them, and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful." ~ Revelation 21:3-4


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Not a lot of resources this week. I just want to encourage you to talk to your children. Include them as much as possible in the process. Share moments and make memories with them that include your babies in heaven. Realize that siblings are grieving as well. Be available to talk and listen. Answer their questions simply and age-appropriately. Shower them with love and reassurance. Keep their schedules stable and structured. Routine can be reassuring. Share comforting scripture about the promise of heaven. Pray with them and encourage them to pray. There are things, as I have shared, that I regret...it's difficult sometimes to make the best decisions in our own grief. Know that God's grace can cover our mistakes.

A few books:

Sibling Grief ~ Wintergreen Press
Mommy Please Don't Cry
Someday Heaven
Tear Soup
Someday We'll Play in Heaven ~ Strannigan (Standard Publishing)
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Next week, we will talk about "What People Say"...some of the words people have said to us in our grief...for better or worse. How have our friendships changed. I also would like to share a little about grandparent grief. Thank you so much for joining us. If my computer dies, and I am not able to visit you right away, please know that you are on my mind, in my prayers, and I will be there for a visit soon.

Love to all...

13 comments:

Jennifer Ross said...

Timothy has had to endure so much for a child. It can be so confusing to a child because they can't grasp the medical issues. God has a huge plan for Timothy. I'm sure his heart is a lot more tender towards others pain, and God can use him in so many ways!

Love,
Jenny

Carol said...

That Timothy!!! What an amazing story. Sometimes children are lost in the shuffle of our grief, but this shows just how much they are involved, whatever the age. I am sure he will be used to help others in their sorrows, and as much as I know we are not supposed to burden our kids with OUR pain, it was HIS pain too, and God allowed you Timothy to be by your side and hug and hold as you were experiencing such loss! Amazing!. Love, Carol

Stephanie said...

WOW Kelly, Timothy so brave. He surely has a huge kind and caring heart. Wonderful story

Tammy On the Go said...

thinking of you today, and still loving your ministry so much.

Linda said...

Hi, your story of grief just reminds me once again of all that our Jared has been through with the loss of two baby brothers and his 6 year old sister. He is such a tender, loving, wonderful young man. So caring, and so dear. God has plans for him and for his future, just as he does for your sons.

Everything has a purpose and our suffering is a tool that makes us who God wants us to be,..for Him.

It is so hard,...but as you know, God's Grace Is Sufficient. We are His chosen vessels and He will use us all when we yield to the Potter's Hands. He is molding us.

And our kids are all in His care.
What blessings all of our children are. And yes, even the ones who were with us so briefly. (:>)

God knows best and His ways are higher than ours. We hurt and we miss them but, but when we know Jesus we know that we will be with them again and for all of eternity!

I love you and pray for you and your family.

Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Holly said...

A lot of heartache for a sibling to bear. Too much sorrow for a child to know. It seems that Timothy is turning into a wonderful young man and I pray that he and James will always follow the Lord's path for them.

Holly said...

BTW, I will get around to my post sometime tomorrow and visit everyone else's too. The last few days have been busy and it still looks that way but I'll find the time!

Holly said...

I don't see MckLinky anymore so here's mine.

http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/2009/08/sibling-griefthe-next-pregnancy.html

Karen said...

Hi Kelly,

I again am very late.i just got apost up.

Thank You for your ministy. It has been so wonderful to be able to read the stories of others and hear how they deal with their grief. It helps us to deal with our own a little better.

Blessings,
Karen

Cecilia said...

I've enjoyed reading your post as well as others who posted! I was wondering if in later Walking with Yous you will talk about knowing when you're ready to consider trying again and how you separated grieving for your losses with wanting more children? It is something that my husband and I have been dealing with lately, and I would love to hear how you and others handled it. We have been praying about it, but it is hard not to be anxious.

Kathryn @ Expectant Hearts said...

Darn, I missed another one.. and sibling grief.. We've dealt (are dealing) with that one too!

Thank you for continuing to share your story. and "host" the sharing of others.

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Très Emily said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. It is truly never easy. However, I feel like you are doing the right thing by blogging about it. Countless people will be influenced and encouraged by you sharing your story. It's very courageous of you.

Wish I had the courage to do it sooner, but I just wrote a post about losing my brother and how social media has helped. Bet you'll be able to relate.

http://www.emilykostic.com/archives/753