Birthdays Make us Feel all Reflective...

O.k....maybe not everyone. But, certainly me. Birthdays always seem to make me feel all reflective. I am compelled to look back on the previous year...to look back on the path of my life thus far. There are the obvious signs that another year has passed: a few more unruly gray hairs (that are more like white against my almost black hair), a couple of age spots on my face from the sun, one of my boys getting ready to begin his last year of high school and another beginning his first year of middle school. (In two days, it will be Thomas' birthday. He would have been thirteen years old. And, if all my children were here, we would have four teenagers in this tiny house!) There's all of that.

But, I also like to look at what has been accomplished in the year. Thanks to the Great Flood, my house has been completely made-over. Sufficient Grace Ministries has grown with each passing year, since its inception in 2004. God has grown and stretched me...this year in particular teaching me about loving others with the kind of love that lays it all down and clinging to Him alone. Some new things have been added to SGM...and will be revealed soon. I love that God is always doing a "new thing". Life is never dull when we're following Him. I lost some weight, but still have more to lose. Short of a few more editing tweaks and adding of some resources, I believe my book is almost...finally...complete. Of course, I've believed that before, and God has shown me differently. So, we'll see.

I began writing the story of God's grace woven through our journey of loss and healing more than six years ago. The first draft was 67 pages. I shared it with several people, who have always loved the story of our children and the beauty and healing of God's comfort.

I asked my friend Betsy what she thought. And, she said. "I think a lot has to happen before that is a book. There are parts that aren't finished yet."

I nodded, knowing it wasn't finished. God had already closed the door temporarily, saying "Not yet." I wondered why He would have created me with the desire to share stories, with a love for words and writing...why He would give me a story of hope and grace...the most beautiful story I know...and then say, "not yet". Why would He move my hands furiously over the keys of the computer, pouring out my heart and soul as I literally went back to those moments when we walked the path of the greatest sorrow I had known, once more tasting the bitter cup?

I didn't know why, but I trusted Him. A lot can happen in six years.

I began writing the story when my mother still walked this earth, before cancer came and doctors said her passing was imminent. There were a couple parts of the story I had asked her to reiterate. She said, "Ask me anything. I remember every detail." Going back through the story, her presence was woven in, more pieces of the puzzle fitting perfectly where they belonged. Sweet Dinah, who loved me, exhorted me, walked with me, and inspired me along this journey went home to be with the Lord, earlier this year. She was the kind of friend that relished every moment of seeing God's hand work in our lives. And, she is a huge part of our story.

SGM continued to grow, and as I shared the story with hospitals more pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I was reminded of different parts, and grew in experience walking with other mothers who had shared this path. As Tim continued coming to church with us, his heart softened to the sharing of our story, melted by the ways it touched hurting hearts. In 2006, I stood by my mother's hospital bed, drinking another bitter cup, learning more about suffering than I ever wanted to know as we said good-bye to her before any of us felt ready. I started a blog in 2008, and still more pieces worked their way through the recesses of my memories as I told parts of our story again and again. God fine-tuned the story, adding more each time I told it, revealing more of Himself each time. Every piece telling another story of His grace. He healed parts of me that I didn't know were broken, as the tears poured out along with the words begging to be freed from my depths.

And, here we are....2011...another birthday. And, I think the story, now 200 pages, is almost ready. Even if it is never published (although, I believe it will be), it has been a gift...one of the great gifts of my life....to see this story unfold. Perhaps much of it was about healing me. Although, it isn't why I started writing. I doubt that's the only gift that will come of it. God is a multiplier of blessings, after all. He doesn't waste anything...and when He allows suffering in our lives, He uses it to touch the lives of many. He has already done that, but I have a sense that He is just getting started. I'm not sure how many of you are still out there. My blog seems to be growing painfully slow. (I try not to look at numbers, but I also know realistically that most publishers don't take risks on little bloggers like me.) If you are out there, I would love your prayers. I know that I've been talking about the book for years, now. So, it may be seem like something that is never going to happen. There is something about this time...this year, though. It seems to be a year of breakthrough and getting things accomplished. Finished. I am hopeful, and excited about what may lie ahead. Our God is so big...anything is possible!!