Walking With You ~ Some Questions ~ MckLinky Working Now

This week, I am sharing some commonly asked questions about grieving the loss of a child...and some answers. Much more could be said on each of these topics...but since this is a blog post, I will try to limit my answers. You may blog about a similar topic...or share what is on your heart this week.

1. Will I feel like this forever? When will I feel normal again?

This is a question I think many of us have asked ourselves at some point in this journey. There is a point when grief can feel so overwhelming. Suddenly life as we know it has ceased to exist. We are thrust into this foreign land...this tumultuous sea that we cannot control or predict. The unknown surrounds us washing away the security we once knew. We long for someone who has walked this path to come along and tell us that we will not feel like we are drowning forever. While we will never be exactly the same again, a new normal will settle upon us. Life will not always feel like this foreign land we have been flung into, without warning.

I used to wish that I had a fast forward button. The feeling was so unpleasant to me, that I just wanted to fast forward through the intense grief to the place of restoration. I wondered where the me I had once known had disappeared to and how I could get her back. Even in wondering, I knew she wasn't coming back...but I didn't know this new person.

Although I never when to a support group, and still maintain that I am not a support-group person (even though this is sort of like an online support group!), preferring instead to count on scripture, prayer, and close friends to walk with me in the valley, there was a point when I just needed someone who had walked there to tell me that I would not feel like this forever. That the smothering darkness of this sorrow would lift and light would shine again.

A few months in, I did call someone on a list I was given by the hospital. She reassured me that I would not feel this way forever. And, she was right. She also understood my feelings about the rest of the world moving on, while I was still grieving. She understood the way that you could only understand if you had walked this path. I guess that's why I started Walking With You...because I know that there is a point where we need to hear from someone who has experienced this that we will not feel this way forever...that a new normal will occur...that we will be transformed, but completely restored. I am here to say that God has done that in my life through this journey...take comfort in the hope of His promises for you.

You may want an exact answer...a time table. There isn't one. The truth is that there is no fast forward button. Grief is hard work, and it takes time. You cannot go around it. You must walk through it. You must allow the waves of the terrible sea to wash over you. They are cleansing...and necessary. And, the only way to keep from drowning completely is to cling to the One who is able to restore us. He does and He will make all things beautiful in His time.

2. I have heard this comment several times from grieving individuals. "I read your words, and I can see that there is hope...that God has restored your life. But...what I want to know is how? How do you do this? How do you get through it?"

I don't have a quick, easy answer for this. Everyone is so unique in their grief and their struggles. I clung to the Lord as if my life depended on it. And, it did. When I was too weak to hold on to Him, He held on to me. I read the bible, prayed, talked endlessly to friends who were willing to listen to me share the details over and over again. I cried buckets of tears. I was angry sometimes, felt forsaken and hopeless sometimes, wondered when this would end, and cried out for help to the Lord over and over again. It wasn't pretty. When we write words on a page, it all seems to be tied up so neatly in a package. It wasn't like that. I did not do this perfectly. I am absolutely not a poster child for the way to properly grieve. I don't think anyone could fill that role. We are all different...and we do the best we can. I wish there was a formula I could give you to get from the point of grief to restoration. I know the deep desire to get from that pit to restoration...from the ashes to the beauty. Boy, do I know. (Please keep in mind, it was 8 years from the time we lost our babies until I felt led to reach out and minister to others. I did not come to this place over night. God worked in my life over time...and He's still working on me!)

All I can say is to keep looking to the Lord, keep holding on to Him, keep believing His promises...even when your feelings don't match up. And know this...it's not about your performance. It's not about doing it right. His grace is poured out over you...and His grace is always sufficient. You don't have to find the way from point A to B...from ashes to restoration. Just trust the Lord, and let Him take you there.

In the mean time...just do the next thing, as Elizabeth Elliot says. Keep it simple. Take care of yourself. Put one foot in front of the other. Get out of bed. (Some days!) Brush your teeth. Don't look too far ahead. Just do the next thing...whatever it is.

3. How do we know when we should try to have another baby?

I have been asked this question several times by parents...and even medical staff (seeking a parent's perspective). There are books on the subject that could cover the medical, physical, and even emotional aspects better than I ever could. And, my answer may seem almost like a cop-out. What I am going to tell you is to pray and trust the Lord with this. Go ahead and read about the other aspects. They do matter.(There is a book by Sherokee Isle called, Another Baby, Maybe? that may cover some of this.) But, God is in control of all of those things. And, He is the Giver of Life, the Great Physician, the Creator, and the One who knows the beginning from the end. Who else would we trust for something so big?

Now, there are practical things to consider. Your body needs time to heal, as does your heart. Consult your physician to determine physical readiness. Talk to your husband; this is a decision you should make together. And...pray, pray, pray for the Lord's guidance.

Again, there is no formula for knowing when you are ready, and you will probably always have some anxiety about having another baby. I was once asked at a conference for medical staff how my husband and I determined we were ready to have another baby after losing three of our children. The answer was, "We didn't."

After Faith and Grace, we were desperate to have a baby to fill our empty arms. We tried as soon as we were able. There were physical complications that hindered us for about a year. When we conceived Thomas, we were excited and nervous, prayerful and anxious. After Thomas passed away, we did not leap into trying for another baby. Although I wanted to think it was possible someday, Tim wanted to protect our family from walking this painful path once more. Still very much wanting a baby, we did not want to walk through another difficult pregnancy that could end with the loss of another child. We never decided to try again. And, I don't know after that if we would have been able to make that decision on our own. While on birth control, it was decided for us, because James was conceived. The pregnancy was difficult physically and emotionally. We almost lost him early on. Tim and I struggled clumsily through by the grace of God. And miraculously, James was born and lives to tell the story. And, even more miraculously...our marriage lives to tell it's story.

4. Don't forget about the dads.

Definitely not. Dads are often forgotten when parents are grieving. Maybe because they often do not show their grief outwardly the same as mothers do. Maybe because they seem less comfortable sometimes with the outward display. Maybe because people are even less sure how to minister to grieving fathers than grieving mothers. My heart goes out to dads in this situation. Often, I think of how they are not only grieving the loss of their child, but they are dealing with the added weight of not being able to ease the sorrow of their wives. Most men feel the need to protect and fix things. They couldn't protect their family from this tragedy, and they can't fix the brokenness of grief. That is extremely difficult for a husband and father. Add it to his own grief, and it's often unbearable. I am not a man, and do not feel qualified to give a man advice on this. But, I will say that it would probably be helpful to talk with other men who have lost children. And, keep on communicating with your wife. I have read many fathers write of their struggle with that, and encourage one another not to bottle it all up and pull away. Please know that we see your pain and we love you even if we don't know how to help. And, please keep seeking the Lord, and leaning on Him. He is big enough to carry you and your family...and, it's O.K. to let Him.

Our other most frequently asked questions were about struggling with grief in marriage and sibling grief, which I think we covered previously on Walking With You. (To visit previous links, click on the Walking With You icon at the top of this post.) We have had a request to share about what it will be like in heaven when we are reunited with our babies. I like that idea...and do plan do do a future Walking With You on that topic. I have had several questions regarding starting our ministry, the ministries of other moms, and other ways to remember our babies. I think that deserves it's own post! Next week, I will be taking a break from Walking With You, since I will be returning to my school-year job as a paraprofessional working with special needs students. So...there will be no Walking With You next week. But, when we return the following Thursday, we will be sharing special ways we incorporate the memory of our babies into our families and also ministries or other outreaches the Lord has led us to start to comfort others and honor the lives of our children.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER REQUEST: Please pray for our family as we are feeling the effects of this busy season in our lives. While always grateful for opportunities to serve the Lord, we are very weighted with time demands on our family. Please also pray for our upcoming musical performance...that we would glorify the Lord, that my voice would not give out (as I've been singing more than usual lately...and it's getting worn out!), that we would be able to practice together without over-taking our family time too drastically...and other things that the Lord knows. Thanks so much...and, please let me know how I can pray for you, too!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I leave you with these words from a previous post, dear ones:
So, what do we do while we watch the waters rise around us, wondering if they will overtake us? In the sea of grief...in the uncertainty of the unknown...in the hopelessness that threatens, what do we do when the waters rise?

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a

We hold on...to the hope we have in Him. We hold on until we are too weak, too weary, too overcome. We hold on until we can't anymore. And then, He holds on to us. As the waters rush in over our heads and we let go...He grabs our hands as we are sinking. And He lifts us to higher ground. He holds us until we are able to hold on again. He whispers to our hearts, "Pay no attention to the rushing waters rising around you, dear one. For I have redeemed you...I have called you by name...you are Mine...I will be with you...I will hold you above the waters. Trust in Me...for I am the Lord, your God."

When the waters rise...when it looks hopeless or impossible...remember His promise to you and keep your eyes fixed on Him.

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19

When the waters rise, the One who makes rivers in the desert holds me...and He will hold you, too.

Love to all...