Wearing Out

I don't know if I've written here how sad it makes me when things change. Some changes are good. But, I'm not talking about the good kind. I am sad that bodies wear out, that stuff breaks, new gets old, and gold loses it's luster. I may have even written how much I like the stability of things staying the same. I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm too tired and worn out to search my posts and see if I've shared my love for this sleepy little railroad town where I grew up, or the school that I attended as a girl, where I am currently employed. In fact, next year my son will have the same third grade teacher that I had in third grade.

Some of our dearest friends have been our friends since we were twelve. Some...even longer. They know everything about us. Some, I wish knew a little less than they do! When James and I take a bike ride, we take the same route over the same bridge where I rode when I was a little girl, dreaming my summer dreams. (Timothy used to ride with me, too...but you know little boys don't stay little and some get too cool to go on bike rides with their mom...another sad truth. =) As a matter of fact, Timothy just had his first driving experience yesterday, after getting his permit. That deserves it's own post, let me tell you.

I have grown more fond of things staying the same...of memories from a simpler time...especially since my mom went home to heaven. I find myself looking around, soaking it all in, breathing in each moment. Sometimes I'm caught somewhere between the memories flooding my mind and the present moments I want to soak in for future memories.

One of my favorite summer past times is to float on my back in my mom's swimming pool. I would look at the blue sky and the trees blowing in the breeze. It was calming to look at things that have always been there. Peace would settle in my heart at the thought that I was looking at the same blue sky and green trees that have always been there...floating in the same water as when I was a little girl (back when we used to listen for the boys to ride by on their mopeds!). It had some sort of soothing effect on my heart. It was as if for just a moment, the world seemed right again. Not everything had changed. Sometimes, it almost felt like mom was just inside napping and she could walk out the door any minute. And James could say, "Look what I can do, Mama!" as he did a cannonball off the side. I would close my eyes and smile.

Maybe I've said some of this before...I don't know. If so, I'm sure I said it better than I'm saying it now. I'm a little rambly (Monica says it's a word...so I'm using it!) and nostalgic. My boy is driving a car. My mom isn't here to share it with. And, only she would truly share it with me, you know? And, the swimming pool where I have spent many a summer...including the beginning of this summer...has worn out. It is now completely taken down and will not be replaced. I will never float on my back in it's soothing waters again.

And, I feel like another part of me has died. Another chapter has closed. I know that things wear out and change. Bodies wear out. Swimming pools don't last. Nothing on this earth lasts forever.

And...I'm sorry if I sound a little sad...but I guess I am. It's a little sad all the wearing out that goes on this side of heaven. One of my favorite things about heaven (besides spending eternity with my Savior and my loved ones) will be that we never have to say good-bye. Nothing will ever wear out again.

Several weeks ago, our church had a baptism at our friends' house. They have a swimming pool. Our church does full immersion baptism...so we used their pool. Tim and I had the privilege of sharing the worship songs. It was a lovely time of fellowship and fun after the baptisms took place. (Of course, I cried through each one because almost nothing gets my heart like seeing a changed life in Christ! I love me a good baptism, yes ma'am!) We sat around talking and laughing until well after most people had left. Tim and Pastor James exchanging their little one-liners like usual... Pastor James amusing himself at the antics of the Gerken family...All of our little quirks, like what Tim's favorite breakfast food is. (I can almost guarantee you could never guess what it is!) It was great fun...and I wished it could never end.

For just a moment, I was thinking of what the fellowship might be like in heaven. The laughing and celebrating. The enjoying each other. And, the best part...it will never have to end. Of course, I'm sure it will be way better, even. Exceedingly and abundantly better, if I know anything about the amazing God we serve.

You know what else I was thinking? Well...I'll tell you anyway. I was thinking that people don't sit in each other's back yards sipping lemonade and laughing together anymore. No time to just swing on the porch swing and tell tales until the lightning bugs appear. I was watching Steel Magnolias the other day (I know...it was just on the TV, O.K.! And, O.K. the truth is "laughter through tears", as Dolly so eloquently put it, might just be my favorite emotion, too...O.K.?!) and I was noticing how much the women gathered together to talk and hang out...to share life.(Yes...I know it's a movie...but women have gathered together in times past.) I wish we did that more in our society today. The other night, I took a walk and chatted with a friend. It felt so good. We need each other. But women aren't gathering as much, anymore.

I think that's why I love this blog world. We aren't gathering in back yards as much, but we can gather here. And, the gathering can be even bigger! I guess this is like our gathering place where we can sort out our feelings and share our lives...where we can shed tears and give virtual hugs, where we can share victories and sorrows, prayer requests and praises...where we can give and receive love and encouragement. I'm so glad I've come to this gathering of women who are so dear to my heart.

Thank you for letting me into your back yard...for sitting on my back porch...for showing me love...and letting me love you...

Thanks for listening...

Walking With You ~ The Ripples Flow to Our Marriage

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing the impact our loss(es) had on our marriage.

Tim and I were married very young and we had a two-year-old when we faced the loss of our twin daughters, Faith and Grace. I had endured a long and extremely difficult hospital stay that caused a great deal of stress and concern for my young husband. We were twenty-one years old at the time.

Losing Faith and Grace was such a shock for us. We had prayed and hoped for a miracle. And, honestly...I just didn't think that our babies would be among those that didn't make it. Maybe I was just still young enough that I still thought I was "invincible" and that covered my children as well. I don't know what
Tim thought at the time, and I was too absorbed in my own pain to ask. Just the same, we were shocked and devastated.

I wish I could remember clear details, but it's very fuzzy for me. I do remember Tim missing me and worrying about us during the long hospital stay. It took all my strength to survive, so I didn't feel the missing as much at the time. I remember how he tried to make me laugh while wheeling my ridiculously large pregnant self to the specialist. I remember his smile when we found out we would have identical twin girls. And I remember the anguish on his face as the tears fell while he stood beside me as I held our baby girls and sang Amazing Grace. I remember how he tried to make me laugh and succeeded some hours after they were born. How he slept in the recovery room watching some random movie with me. I remember the ache of leaving the hospital with empty arms and a canyon of emptiness in my heart. I remember leaning on him for strength as we stood by their grave on that cold November day. And...the agony of sorrow when he went back to work. He held me often during those early days as I cried.

Even while we were in the hospital, I knew that we were forever changed by the loss of our girls...that we had shared something that only the two of us could ever really understand. It separated us from the rest of the world, and bound us more solidly as one flesh. I believe it drew us closer. He was quiet with his grief, having to remain strong. He needed to return to work right away to support our family and pay the mountain of medical bills.

There came a time when I knew my need to grieve openly and talk about the girls brought him pain, and I was grateful to share all my emotions and words with my friend, Ginny. I respected Tim's need to protect himself and our family from the emotions in planning the memorial service, keeping it private. We didn't want to add the family drama that often came with any event on both sides of our families to and already painful time. We weren't prepared to have a funeral for our children. It seemed so unspeakable to us at the time. And we both felt protective of our girls. It was important to me to respect his need to keep things private.

Months later, we began trying to have another baby, and I think Tim wanted to help ease the ache of emptiness for me...for both of us. I have often felt a great burden for the dads who grieve for their babies in a world that doesn't allow them to express their feelings openly. They have to be strong...and, a father doesn't just feel the weight of his own loss, but the pain he sees his wife enduring...a pain he can do nothing to fix. A pain he couldn't protect her from. He couldn't protect his family from this.

Finally, after many complications that left my body battling infection for about a year after the birth of Faith and Grace, we conceived Thomas. We felt relieved, apprehensive, and excited. Midway through the pregnancy, when we sat in that room and heard the words "incompatible with life" in regards to our precious son...I looked over at Tim...and I saw the life drain out of him. It was as if the light went out and darkness filled his face. Hope left. I have never felt more darkness, myself. I remember him convincing me to take the steps to leave the hospital.

I remember facing "the choice", and he was quiet, but seemed relieved when I chose to continue the pregnancy. He supported that decision. As I watched him agonize over the fact that he was helpless to protect our family from walking this path again, I struggled with the burden of being "the one" who brought this pain on our family. I know that wasn't really true. But, I felt that burden. And, to this day, one of the hardest things...the thought that brings tears to my eyes each time I think of it is the grief of Tim and Timothy...and the fact that I couldn't spare them of this pain. The sorrow it caused them to watch me carry our sweet Thomas, knowing we would have to say good-bye to him.

The stress of that time was heavy on us. I wish I would have had the knowledge or support of those who had walked there, like so many of you. I did have the Lord, and He was enough. He did carry me and pour out His grace. But, sometimes, I think I could have done more to cherish that time. I felt my presence caused pain to my family. A reminder of impending sorrow. It may not have. And they didn't say that to me, but there was a distance. Mostly because of the stress of the situation. Tim was quiet and distant as the time grew near to meet our Thomas. The pain caused him to delve deep into a protective shell. I clung to the Lord for strength, and leaned on Ginny and Dinah, as he wrestled with what was happening within.

When Thomas was born, the pain was so great for Tim. I felt the joy of meeting Thomas, while Tim's sorrow broke forth heavily. We leaned on each other once more in those early days, and he respected that I needed to talk about and remember our children and I respected that he often needed me to do that with someone other than him. After the initial days of grief, we talked little about the experience to each other. This time when the desperate ache for a baby to fill my empty arms came, neither of us had the courage to say that we were ready to try for another baby. Fear of another loss was so strong. Tim was very protective of that.

When we were surprised with James' conception, it was a time of great trepidation and anticipation. I wanted to hold on to hope and joy...knowing that I would not get this chance again. I wanted to cherish every moment I was given with this precious baby. But, for Tim, all that we had endured had taken it's toll, and the stress of watching me struggle through another pregnancy and the possibility of another loss was just too much. It was a very difficult time in our marriage. God brought us through a great deal. He has healed our brokenness, renewed our love and strengthened our joy. We walk with Him and trust in Him together, now. But it was quite a journey to this place.

There is so much about that time between us that needs to stay between us. But, I want to share a few things because I know that many of you struggle with the fact that men and women grieve differently. It's one of the main things we are asked about...marriage concerns and grieving differently.

The thing is men and women are made differently (as you well know!). And we grieve differently. Every individual actually is unique in their grief. He may be quiet, distant, angry, protective, or tearful. You may feel like talking about your babies, need to be close, angry, tearful, or distant. You may not be feeling the same things at the same time. This can cause division and resentment when we do not understand that our spouse is still grieving, even if he/she is not grieving the same way we are.

Tim and I shared this sorrow...and this entire journey, but we rarely talk about it. We are able more now than we did years ago. He supports this ministry and all that we are doing. He is part of this ministry and he helps make decisions....often reaching out in his own way to those who cross our path. We have always respected each other's need to grieve differently and communicate that grief in different ways. It doesn't mean that we did not offer love and support to each other. We did and we do. But, sometimes, I went to a friend to talk or share a memory that I thought may be painful for him. And we didn't let that come between us. It's O.K. that he didn't want to go to a special remembrance service years later. And it's O.K. with him that I did need to go. I think it's important to recognize and free each other from expectations here. It will prevent being hurt when we feel that our expectations are not met. And, it prevents resentment and division from forming between the two of us.

We are not some perfect example to be held up for display. Indeed, our path to the beauty we experience today was once covered in tattered ashes of brokenness. It is a messy journey, and we often didn't "do it right". We are truly bathed in God's grace. I could write several statistics saying that there is no way Tim and I should still be married. We were married young, parents young, from divorced families (generations of divorced families actually), and we lost three of five of our children by the time we were twenty-three years old. And yet, here we are loving each other and the God that kept us through it all. I don't say that as any great success on our part, but as a testimony to the greatness of the God we serve and the power of His grace that is always sufficient. We share a love today that is deeper and sweeter because of where we have walked. It is true that our God does "make all things beautiful in His time".

Here are just a few words of wisdom we have gleaned:

1. Respect each other's need to grieve differently. If at all possible, do not do things that may bring pain to your spouse. At the same time, do not deprive yourself of doing the things you feel you need to do to honor your baby your way. Find a way to honor your baby that also honors the feelings of your spouse.

2. Find time to laugh and do things that you enjoy together. Grieving is hard, heavy work. Find some time to keep it light.

3. Keep life as simple as you can. Try not to take on too much for your family schedule. Protect yourselves and each other from extra stress or things that may bring unneeded sorrow.

4. Find ways to honor the memory of your baby as a family.

5. Communicate with love and respect.

6. Take comfort in physical affection. Do not turn away from each other, but turn toward each other.

7. Pray together and for each other. God is able to mend your broken hearts and keep your marriage. Guard your marriage and bathe it in prayer. You may feel too weak to pray sometimes. That's O.K....saying, "God, help me...it hurts too much to even pray." is still a prayer. It's been a prayer of mine many times.

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
~Ecclesiastes 4:8-12
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Thank you again for joining us. Please let us know if we can support you in any way as you grieve the loss of your baby. I would be happy to send you a Dreams of You Memory Package and to pray for your needs. Also, it can help to share with someone who has walked this path. It is our desire to encourage you in your marriage...to pray for you...and offer any support we have to give. Next week, we will be sharing about how our other children faced their grief and ways to support them as they grieve their sibling. If you do not have children, we will also include facing another pregnancy after the loss...and our feelings about that.

The Most Willy Nilly Hodge Podge of a Post Ever

GoodSearch & GoodShop

YOU SEARCH OR SHOP...
WE GIVE!

Raise money for Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women  just by searching the web and shopping online!

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I promise there will be a little Wednesday Walk stuff at the end of this post. But, there are a few other things I need to share first. Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women is now listed with www.GoodSearch.com along with 81,000 other non-profit organizations. You can help support our ministry by using Good Search as your search engine and listing Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women as the cause you support. It's actually quite easy to download the goodsearch toolbar right on to your computer. Then everytime you search, a donation is made. They will give a penny for every search done through Good Search. So the more people who participate, the better. They also donate a portion of the proceeds of products purchased through Good Shop at a variety of merchants, to the charity of your choice. The service is free to you and earns money for our organization. As you know, we do not charge bereaved parents for our products or services, so this helps us greatly. We have been so blessed by the support given by everyone recently. And, we are grateful for this opportunity, as well.

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A sweet blog friend, Stephanee, recently sent me a lovely gift I wanted to share with you. She has started an organization to support moms who have had a loss. Stephanee received a Dreams of You Memory Package, when her son Vayden was born. She sent us a beautiful picture of Vayden with the Comfort Bear we sent her...and she and Vayden's big brother, Vashon have taken comfort in cuddling the baby-sized bear. I am so blessed to know that this family was comforted by our gift. You can read about Vashon's Cuddle Brother, here.

Stephanee's organization is called My Very Own Angel. Her mission and hope is that mothers would not be ashamed of their precious babies who have gone to heaven or afraid to acknowledge them, but that they would be able to embrace the gift of being their mother. She also would like to share stories of encouragement from those who chose to carry their babies to term and found the time to be a precious gift.

You can contact her, here, to share your story: myveryownangel@gmail.com.

She will also be donating 345 teddy bears to hospitals in memory of her precious Vayden each year. To support her efforts and to support Sufficient Grace Ministries, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and String of Pearls, her organization sells the t-shirt that I am modeling below in their Angel Shop. She will donate a portion of their proceeds to the three previously mentioned organizations. Thank you for this gift, Stephanee and for your heart to reach out to hurting families.



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And now...what we've been up to...

In between praying for Stellan...


And celebrating a successful end to the summer golf season and the beginning of the fall season for Timothy...


James and I took a trip to the beach at a local quarry. We had a blast enjoying the beauty of God's creation with some sand and water goodness!





Good old summertime fun! Lovin' it...
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And...to squeeze one more thing in...just a reminder that tomorrow on Walking With You, we will be sharing about the effect on our marriage after the loss of a baby. What has changed for better or worse? Struggles? Different grieving styles? Prayer needs? Advice and questions. Ways to support one another and grow as a couple. I look forward to walking with each of you.

Love to all...

UPDATED: Sweet Stellan...

I know that you probably already know that sweet Stellan needs our prayers. I have been praying for this sweet boy whom I adore, without ever having met him. But now, his little heart is struggling...and his need is desperate. I am on my knees for this family, crying out to our Father on his behalf...and also praying for his beautiful MckMama and family. He is being airlifted along with his parents to Boston, soon. This amazing family is so dear to my heart...and sweet Stellan has forever captured the hearts of people around the world, including mine. Please, please pray.

Although our oldest son, Timothy had a golf tournament and awards ceremony this evening, Stellan is never far from our hearts and always in our prayers. James is wearing orange and taking time to pray for sweet Stellan...

Where is the Love?

I don't like to rant or get on my soapbox a lot, but there are some things on my mind that I just would like to sort out here if that's O.K. with you. Or...even if it isn't.

It has to do with the judgment we give to each other as Christians in place of the grace and love that Jesus has for us. I think some are really "missing it". I have been guilty of it, I'm sure. But lately, I feel that God has been speaking to my heart on this issue in my own life. And, I'm a little sad when I look around and see how much of it goes on.

I'll give a couple examples. Grieving mothers. I spend a lot of time with grieving mothers, and I have been a grieving mother. I have not met one yet who wasn't judged by someone or hurt by the comments of another. Some of the most difficult and hurtful things have even been said by those who profess to know Jesus. They may know Jesus, indeed...but they were not representing Him with those words of judgment.
Words that say: "You shouldn't feel sorrow when your child has died because you should have joy and peace.(Yes...we do have joy and peace in the Lord and His promises...but that doesn't mean we won't feel sorrow at the loss of our child or loved one.) You shouldn't show weakness...it's a poor witness. Your baby is in heaven...it's selfish to continue in this sorrow, burdening others with your grief. It's been x-amount of time...you should really get over this by now. You need to be taking this to the Lord...you wouldn't be so burdened if you would just give it over to Him. There is some sort of bitterness in you if you are struggling to go to church." Or a million other cliches that may be true, but can be callous and heartless in the face of such sorrow and brokenness...

Can I just say...these families are grieving. They may know the truth of God's promises. He will heal them in time, and even restore their joy. But, for now...they are in an agony that you may know nothing of. They may not be sitting in that church pew, not because they are running from God...but because it is too painful to sit there with an empty place where their child (or loved one for others who grieve) should be sitting. Imagine for a moment an empty place at your table where your son, husband, mother...once sat. An empty place in the church pew. At the football game. A canyon of emptiness in your heart everywhere you go. The worship songs touch a tender place and tears fall. People who should be loving them are judging them. People who should be walking with them are not even looking upon them...saying nothing. Leaving them alone in the pit.

Yes...there is a time for healing. And I am not suggesting wallowing in grief forever. Or allowing bitterness to take root and claiming a victim mentality. No...we truly do have victory in Jesus. We do not grieve without hope. There is much hope, much grace, much love. What I am upset by is the tendency to judge one another's performance as Christians. The focus on our performance. Grieving is most certainly no time to judge someone's performance. Those in the throws of grief's storm are just trying to hold on...just trying to put one foot in front of the other...to survive the storm...to do the next thing. There is no room for performance. And, really it robs the one beautiful thing about such hideous sorrow...the beauty of being carried by our Father...the being held in the grip of His grace, the very picture of His strength being made perfect through our weakness. What could we possibly do in our own power to compare to that?

And, grieving mothers are not alone. Mothers in general feel the sting of performance looming over them. I have a couple of strong-willed boys. One is a teenager. The other is riddled with his own quirks that make him both wonderful and also take quite a lot of energy to parent. A persistent pair, they are. And, although I have been consistent and purposeful (although far from perfect), and most of all prayerful in my parenting, they are also persistent, purposeful, and consistent in their glorious willfulness. Can I just say...if you see a mom who seems a little done...a little exhausted, a little impatient...don't assume that she has no parenting skills. Don't judge her too quickly. And, if you see children not behaving as they should, don't assume it's because that mother isn't doing her job. Don't assume that just because they are not choosing the proper behavior that they haven't been taught the proper behavior. There's a reason they are called strong-willed. They don't give up easily. She isn't finished training them. And God isn't finished with them...or her.

Once, I was asked if I'd ever read The Strong-Willed Child by a well-meaning person looking a little too closely at the willful "performance" of my children.

My reply: "Yes...read it several times...own it...and more importantly, I live it. This is what it looks like."

I have struggled with this issue of performance. And, I'm feeling rebellious of it...and tired of it. Many times, I have allowed the judgments of others (or the perceived judgments) to dictate my parenting choices. It is never good for any of us when I begin measuring my performance as a mother or their performance as MY children...instead of just looking at them as individuals. Instead of just loving them as the gifts they are. Instead of just allowing God's grace to wash over all of us.

One evening, after a particularly trying day, I was replaying my "performance" in my mind and I shared my "I should've done this...or said thats" with my husband. He smiled and said, "Don't worry, babe. Our boys will give you another opportunity tomorrow." That's the good news about persistent children. There will always be another opportunity for teachable moments. And, really...it isn't just strong-willed kids who will keep messing up. It's all of us. We'll mess up again, too. And we'll get another opportunity. That night...I was thinking...another opportunity to "get it right". But, maybe instead, we should think....another opportunity for grace. After all, Lamentations 3 reassures us that "His mercies are new every morning. And His compassions fail not...". What a gift we have in His new, fresh mercy...every morning. Do we claim that gift...for ourselves, for our kids? Do we live like it's "His goodness that leads to repentance"? Or are we dangling that performance baloney over ourselves and our families?

O.K...I think I'm almost done ranting. Thanks for hanging in if you're still there. And...thanks for all the love that I have had the privilege of experiencing HERE in blog land. I love this blog family...and I'm so thankful that we can love and support one another. In fact, I knew you all would understand. That's why I'm up on my soapbox this Sunday morning, before hanging out with my church family....whom I also dearly love. Because here, I have found grace and love. I'm praying that I will remember to be a vessel of that grace and love as well...and that we can just shake off all that performance-stuff, and stop with the judging of ourselves and others.

Love to all of you...

UPDATE: In the spirit of showing the love, please pray for sweet Devon and her precious baby girl.

Sufficient Grace Golf Outing 2009 Slideshow

Thanks so much to our friends at Marshall Photography for making this awesome slideshow of the Sufficient Grace Golf Outing 2009. And thank you to everyone who supported this event...including our sweet blog friends for your prayers and support. We are also so thankful to MckMama for her recent generous donations and for sharing about our ministry. Please continue to keep her sweet Stellan in prayer.

Thank to everyone who has given their time, talent, abilities, financial resources, and most of all prayers to help support Sufficient Grace Ministries and to help make this outing a success. Thank you for helping us offer comfort and hope to grieving parents.

Special Thanks to:
Ron Rutter for your continued support
MckMama: http://mycharmingkids.net
Beverage Sponsor ~ Rodenberger Funeral Home
Cart Sponsor ~ Patrick Capital Management ~ Patrick Keedy

Hole Sponsors
David and Brooke Amspoker
Davis Farm Services
Ned and Tracy Sponsler ~ In Loving Memory of Kelly Michelle Sponsler
Floral Art ~ Your Home Decorating Store ~ Downtown Napoleon
State Farm Insurance – Darlene Steiner
B.A. Miller & Sons Trucking
Horizon Eye Care
Deshler Optometry
In Loving Memory of Kathy Rutter
In Loving Memory of Faith, Grace, and Thomas Gerken
Avina Specialties Inc. ~ Embroidery and Silk Screening ~ Napoleon
Pro-Tec Coating Company ~ Leipsic, Ohio
The Parry Family
Marge and Harry Tussinger
Spenglers~ Napoleon, Ohio
Spencer and Stacy Delisle ~ In memory of our son, Isaac Timothy ~ October 7, 2008, 8:33-8:49 am ~ Psalm 107:19-21
Team-Up Embroidery, LLC, Deshler, Oh (Owner Kim Rosebrook)
Marshall Photography ~ www.marshallphotography.org
In Loving Memory of Carleigh McKenna Haas ~ http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com

Others Who Gave:
All of Today’s Golf Teams
Harvest Fellowship Church
Chris and Mary Koppenhofer ~ Website
Tim and Becki
Kaye, Joyce, Jacie, Cindy, and Marlene
Dawn Marshall for taking our photos today
Greg Klausing and the Wonderful Staff at Country Acres
Beck’s Construction Co.
Becki Burner for making the delicious strawberry cake!

Door Prizes:
Lynette Taylor
Whirlpool Corporation
Henry County Hospital
Subway
Ron’s Super Valu
10K Korner Mart
Connie Sue’s Flower Shop for donating the beautiful flowers
My Image Salon
The Wright Insurance
The Golf Shop

Walking With You - The Sea of Grief

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing our first steps into the sea of grief.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:A time to be born and a time to die...A time to weep and a time to laugh...A time to mourn and a time to dance...

A Time To Weep...
Grief has many stages. It is different for everyone, and seems to come at will with a life of it's own. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the emotions that spill forth. You cannot predict when it will come, although there are certain triggers that you may come to know as you swim in this sea. It is a struggle to visit these places of early grief and to feel the weight of that great sorrow. But for those walking in that place of new grief, it is so important to know that there is a God big enough to carry us through this, that no matter how forsaken we may feel, we are not, that we are not alone, and that we will not remain tossed about in this relentless sea forever.

In this post, I wrote:
In the beginning, I felt as if I were drowning. The sea of grief was relentless. Soon, I learned to tread water, though, and the sea became less rocky as I stopped resisting the waves. One day, I realized that I had learned to swim in this sea. The waves of grief still rushed in at times, but I was learning to be a stronger swimmer.

It was a sea of grief that seemed to be choking the life out of me. I flailed about those first days. From the moment they wheeled me out of the hospital, past the nursery, and into the world without my baby girls, I felt like I was drowning. I remember one of the first stark realizations that life would never really be the same, that Tim and I would never be the same. At twenty-one years old, we didn't have a lot of experience with death. We had lost grandparents and that was difficult. But, grandparents are supposed to die. Babies aren't. While most of our peers still partied through careless days at college, we stood over the grave of our babies.

Words cannot describe the ache...the physical ache that began with my arms and went straight to the depths of my heart and soul. If you are walking with us, I don't have to describe it. You know it well. I cried buckets of tears. Cried by day and cried in my sleep at night. I would wake up already crying, still reliving the moment I said good-bye to my girls.

I was too weak and broken to function. I didn't leave the house for a couple months. I didn't answer the phone or the door in the early weeks. Ginny, my mother, and Tim formed a protective layer between me and the outside world. Flowers came and I would sob. Christmas ornaments in memory of Faith and Grace (born in November). Ginny answered the door. I curled up in sorrow.

I struggled with going to church. I went, but it was so hard. We had been praying for a miracle, believing for a miracle. And the miracle that happened was not the one we had asked for. I wasn't angry with God. It just felt so tender. The worship songs...the scripture...the prayers. Everything pierced my broken heart, welling up the emotions that were always waiting just below the surface. It was so painful to enter the world without the identical twin daughters that should have filled our household with the abundance of all things baby girl. That's what we had been preparing for, hoping for, praying for. Not this emptiness...this silence. Not this agony of missing.

It may sound as if I were grieving without hope. But, you know the truth is...I was just grieving. I knew God was the place to go with my sorrow, and I went to Him. But, the hurt was still there. It didn't leave right away. There was not a quick fix. It needed to hurt. The tears needed to fall. I needed to talk about my babies...to feel the weight of their absence. And, yes...even to wallow a little. As Christians, sometimes I think we expect people to just always feel joyful...as if they are a failure when they feel sorrow. As if they are lacking faith. I really struggled with that.

The thing is, our world had been turned upside down. We didn't know which end was up anymore. I often felt guilty that I was so overcome with sorrow...thinking I was a failure as a Christian. When I did feel a moment of joy, I felt guilty wondering what kind of a mother laughs after losing her baby. I learned that guilt is part of the journey. Knowing that didn't make it go away. But in time, God did ease that guilt.

In the last several years, I have learned a lot about grieving. I have watched many people walk through the sea of sorrow...and I've returned there myself a couple times. Today, I don't judge myself or others and the way we choose to walk this path. There is no magic timetable for grief or a right or wrong way to do it. And, when someone is walking this path...it is no time to judge their performance. They are just trying to survive it. Trying not to drown under the tumultuous waves that continually crash into us, over us, and all around us. It is a time for mercy and grace. Not judgment.

If you are someone reading this and wondering when your friend will get over the loss of her child, the answer is...never. She will never stop missing her baby. In time, God can comfort her sorrow, ease her pain, restore her joy...but for as long as she walks this earth, she will have moments of missing her baby. She is forever changed. Don't rush her. Don't try to tell her she needs to move on. Don't assume that because she is grieving a certain way, that she is doing it wrong. Don't tell her how she should be doing it. She may feel sorrow. She may feel nothing. She may be angry. She may have peace. Or a combination of all of the above. Just let her and love her.

And, if you are a mommy in the new stages of grief, overwhelmed with sorrow...wondering if you will feel this way forever...please know this: You are forever changed. But, over time...those changes will become a beautiful part of the tapestry of your life. You will always miss your baby, but you will adjust to a "new normal". You will not feel like you are drowning forever. You will laugh again and take joy in the pleasures of life again...you will. Your life may be different, but it is not without hope.
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With Thomas, my grief was different. I was so blessed and comforted in the moments I had as Thomas' mother. Still glowing from the presence of Jesus when he carried Thomas home, my heart experienced so much healing. It meant so much to me to be the one to hold him as he left this earth. I was so shocked by the loss of Faith and Grace, so robbed of the chance to mother them...the moments I shared with Thomas healed that broken part of me. I felt assured that my babies were with Jesus, and for several days, I just basked in the glow of that promise.

The other reason my grief was different was that I was a little rebellious. I steadied myself, digging in my heels in resistance when the first waves did indeed rush in a few days after Thomas' funeral. My breasts filled with milk, and again, there was no baby to feed. As if my body were weeping, nothing would stop the flow. But, while my body wept, I did not want to give in to the depth of the sorrow again. When sobs would threaten and waves of grief rushed in, I would start to cry and just shake my head, saying "NO!" over and over. I didn't ever want to feel that out of control again. So, I wouldn't allow the sorrow to completely overtake me. Not because I'm so strong or some great pillar of faith. Mostly because I just didn't want to be at grief's mercy again.

After Thomas passed, we were in the middle of looking for a church. In a way, that made the whole church thing a little easier. It was a refreshing change to be in a place where no one knew where we had walked. Instead of the small town we lived in where everyone knew and avoided the subject (and sometimes us!) like the plague. Indeed, I wonder if they almost did think something akin to a plague had come upon us. I mean...let's face it. No one wants to think that babies die...not even one baby. But three babies in less than two years. I don't blame them, really. And, if you are being too hard on those who stay away, think for just a moment of something that you haven't endured...but would be your biggest fear. Something horrible and unthinkable. Would you want to visit that situation, and look into the face of that sorrow if you didn't have to? Of course not. We won't get into the fact that people are often insensitive and just don't get it (at least not in this post). We're actually going to give that subject it's very own post.

Another thing we will save for another post (next week actually) is the fact that couples grieve differently. And this can cause stress on a marriage. After losing Faith and Grace, Tim and I were drawn closer. But, losing Thomas was so hard on Tim. It just seemed like too much after losing Faith and Grace. A sorrow settled upon our household for a time.

I delved into scripture...seeking the Lord's comfort. Desperate to understand. I will share further on in this grief journey of the anger that came after losing Thomas...and the healing that followed. But...these were the early days. Messy and imperfect...just like grief.

He has sent me (Jesus) to bind up the brokenhearted...To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. - Isaiah 61:1b-3

Next week, we will talk a little about the struggles for couple who face grief. We will share a little about the father's perspective and the strain on marriage after the loss of a child.
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For more on grief and hope, please visit this post.

For memory-making materials, burial gowns, memory books, other items and support, visit:
Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and families)
We will gladly send you what you need. We do not charge bereaved parents for our services.

Growing Through Affliction~ Support and Encouragement

A Place to Remember

Books
In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me - Lynnette Kraft
I'll Hold You in Heaven - Jack Hayford
Mommy, Please Don't Cry - Linda Deymaz
Ninety Minutes in Heaven - Don Piper
The Shack - William Young - controversial, but with an amazing, healing message of His love
Empty Arms - Sherokee Isle (secular, but with practical answers)
The Bible - nothing sustains us like His word

Thanks so much for joining us again for Walking With You. Praying for each of you as we join for this week's walk. If you are visiting, please take some time to visit and pray for the women linked below. It means so much to us.

Love to all...