Wearing Out

I don't know if I've written here how sad it makes me when things change. Some changes are good. But, I'm not talking about the good kind. I am sad that bodies wear out, that stuff breaks, new gets old, and gold loses it's luster. I may have even written how much I like the stability of things staying the same. I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm too tired and worn out to search my posts and see if I've shared my love for this sleepy little railroad town where I grew up, or the school that I attended as a girl, where I am currently employed. In fact, next year my son will have the same third grade teacher that I had in third grade.

Some of our dearest friends have been our friends since we were twelve. Some...even longer. They know everything about us. Some, I wish knew a little less than they do! When James and I take a bike ride, we take the same route over the same bridge where I rode when I was a little girl, dreaming my summer dreams. (Timothy used to ride with me, too...but you know little boys don't stay little and some get too cool to go on bike rides with their mom...another sad truth. =) As a matter of fact, Timothy just had his first driving experience yesterday, after getting his permit. That deserves it's own post, let me tell you.

I have grown more fond of things staying the same...of memories from a simpler time...especially since my mom went home to heaven. I find myself looking around, soaking it all in, breathing in each moment. Sometimes I'm caught somewhere between the memories flooding my mind and the present moments I want to soak in for future memories.

One of my favorite summer past times is to float on my back in my mom's swimming pool. I would look at the blue sky and the trees blowing in the breeze. It was calming to look at things that have always been there. Peace would settle in my heart at the thought that I was looking at the same blue sky and green trees that have always been there...floating in the same water as when I was a little girl (back when we used to listen for the boys to ride by on their mopeds!). It had some sort of soothing effect on my heart. It was as if for just a moment, the world seemed right again. Not everything had changed. Sometimes, it almost felt like mom was just inside napping and she could walk out the door any minute. And James could say, "Look what I can do, Mama!" as he did a cannonball off the side. I would close my eyes and smile.

Maybe I've said some of this before...I don't know. If so, I'm sure I said it better than I'm saying it now. I'm a little rambly (Monica says it's a word...so I'm using it!) and nostalgic. My boy is driving a car. My mom isn't here to share it with. And, only she would truly share it with me, you know? And, the swimming pool where I have spent many a summer...including the beginning of this summer...has worn out. It is now completely taken down and will not be replaced. I will never float on my back in it's soothing waters again.

And, I feel like another part of me has died. Another chapter has closed. I know that things wear out and change. Bodies wear out. Swimming pools don't last. Nothing on this earth lasts forever.

And...I'm sorry if I sound a little sad...but I guess I am. It's a little sad all the wearing out that goes on this side of heaven. One of my favorite things about heaven (besides spending eternity with my Savior and my loved ones) will be that we never have to say good-bye. Nothing will ever wear out again.

Several weeks ago, our church had a baptism at our friends' house. They have a swimming pool. Our church does full immersion baptism...so we used their pool. Tim and I had the privilege of sharing the worship songs. It was a lovely time of fellowship and fun after the baptisms took place. (Of course, I cried through each one because almost nothing gets my heart like seeing a changed life in Christ! I love me a good baptism, yes ma'am!) We sat around talking and laughing until well after most people had left. Tim and Pastor James exchanging their little one-liners like usual... Pastor James amusing himself at the antics of the Gerken family...All of our little quirks, like what Tim's favorite breakfast food is. (I can almost guarantee you could never guess what it is!) It was great fun...and I wished it could never end.

For just a moment, I was thinking of what the fellowship might be like in heaven. The laughing and celebrating. The enjoying each other. And, the best part...it will never have to end. Of course, I'm sure it will be way better, even. Exceedingly and abundantly better, if I know anything about the amazing God we serve.

You know what else I was thinking? Well...I'll tell you anyway. I was thinking that people don't sit in each other's back yards sipping lemonade and laughing together anymore. No time to just swing on the porch swing and tell tales until the lightning bugs appear. I was watching Steel Magnolias the other day (I know...it was just on the TV, O.K.! And, O.K. the truth is "laughter through tears", as Dolly so eloquently put it, might just be my favorite emotion, too...O.K.?!) and I was noticing how much the women gathered together to talk and hang out...to share life.(Yes...I know it's a movie...but women have gathered together in times past.) I wish we did that more in our society today. The other night, I took a walk and chatted with a friend. It felt so good. We need each other. But women aren't gathering as much, anymore.

I think that's why I love this blog world. We aren't gathering in back yards as much, but we can gather here. And, the gathering can be even bigger! I guess this is like our gathering place where we can sort out our feelings and share our lives...where we can shed tears and give virtual hugs, where we can share victories and sorrows, prayer requests and praises...where we can give and receive love and encouragement. I'm so glad I've come to this gathering of women who are so dear to my heart.

Thank you for letting me into your back yard...for sitting on my back porch...for showing me love...and letting me love you...

Thanks for listening...

The Most Willy Nilly Hodge Podge of a Post Ever

GoodSearch & GoodShop

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I promise there will be a little Wednesday Walk stuff at the end of this post. But, there are a few other things I need to share first. Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women is now listed with www.GoodSearch.com along with 81,000 other non-profit organizations. You can help support our ministry by using Good Search as your search engine and listing Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women as the cause you support. It's actually quite easy to download the goodsearch toolbar right on to your computer. Then everytime you search, a donation is made. They will give a penny for every search done through Good Search. So the more people who participate, the better. They also donate a portion of the proceeds of products purchased through Good Shop at a variety of merchants, to the charity of your choice. The service is free to you and earns money for our organization. As you know, we do not charge bereaved parents for our products or services, so this helps us greatly. We have been so blessed by the support given by everyone recently. And, we are grateful for this opportunity, as well.

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A sweet blog friend, Stephanee, recently sent me a lovely gift I wanted to share with you. She has started an organization to support moms who have had a loss. Stephanee received a Dreams of You Memory Package, when her son Vayden was born. She sent us a beautiful picture of Vayden with the Comfort Bear we sent her...and she and Vayden's big brother, Vashon have taken comfort in cuddling the baby-sized bear. I am so blessed to know that this family was comforted by our gift. You can read about Vashon's Cuddle Brother, here.

Stephanee's organization is called My Very Own Angel. Her mission and hope is that mothers would not be ashamed of their precious babies who have gone to heaven or afraid to acknowledge them, but that they would be able to embrace the gift of being their mother. She also would like to share stories of encouragement from those who chose to carry their babies to term and found the time to be a precious gift.

You can contact her, here, to share your story: myveryownangel@gmail.com.

She will also be donating 345 teddy bears to hospitals in memory of her precious Vayden each year. To support her efforts and to support Sufficient Grace Ministries, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and String of Pearls, her organization sells the t-shirt that I am modeling below in their Angel Shop. She will donate a portion of their proceeds to the three previously mentioned organizations. Thank you for this gift, Stephanee and for your heart to reach out to hurting families.



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And now...what we've been up to...

In between praying for Stellan...


And celebrating a successful end to the summer golf season and the beginning of the fall season for Timothy...


James and I took a trip to the beach at a local quarry. We had a blast enjoying the beauty of God's creation with some sand and water goodness!





Good old summertime fun! Lovin' it...
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And...to squeeze one more thing in...just a reminder that tomorrow on Walking With You, we will be sharing about the effect on our marriage after the loss of a baby. What has changed for better or worse? Struggles? Different grieving styles? Prayer needs? Advice and questions. Ways to support one another and grow as a couple. I look forward to walking with each of you.

Love to all...

A Little Piece of Heaven on a Sweet Summer Day

For those that read my blog, you may already know that summer is my favorite season. (Not that I would remember that detail about someone else, but you may!) You may also know that we said good-bye to my precious mother in October 2006, after a grueling battle with cancer. And, you may know that with every season the missing of her washes over me anew, with fresh intensity. As always, mom is on my mind today. And I would like to share with you one of the most beautiful summer days that there has ever been...at least in my little life.

In the summer of 2006, as the hospital bills mounted, we decided to have a benefit to help defray the costs and lift the burden from mom's (and her husband's) shoulders. I prayed and wrote several goals...praying specifically over each one. Never having hosted a golf scramble benefit, I wasn't sure what to expect. In the beginning, I was timid as I approached people, but when I saw their willingness to give, I grew more bold. Realizing that this was not about me...about my pride. It wasn't even just about helping with the money anymore. But about the opportunity to show my mother how much people cared, how loved, valued and treasured she was to every life she touched.

The journey was amazing. Almost everyone had a story about how mom had touched their lives. And I was able to share each one with her. We knew that short of a miracle, she would not live much longer on this earth. And, soon...the golf benefit became a way to honor her life. We invited non-golfers to come to the dinner afterward. And hundreds attended. Businesses gave triple the sponsorships on my tiny little goal sheet. (God's ways are higher than our ways!) I was hoping for 18 golf teams. There were 36. More than 200 additional people came to the dinner in addition to the golfers. There were dinner sponsors, cart sponsors, non-alcoholic beverage sponsors. People donated auction items which earned even more toward the cause.

Friends and family gathered, overflowing the place set aside for dinner into the pavilion and the patio. People gathered beneath the blue sky, dotted with white fluffy clouds and laughed and smiled. As I stood to say something before the outing began, I was in awe of the carts lined up, filled with people who loved my mom, our family, or who loved us...everyone who had a story. Overwhelmed with the beauty of the day. Overwhelmed at all that people were willing to give. The beauty of the day took my breath away...and I could barely speak. It was like experiencing a little piece of heaven on earth.



Mom and I had gone shopping a few days before to pick out a cute outfit for her to wear. If you know anything about us, you know that is an important detail. We had been praying that she would feel well enough to attend. And that she would be blessed as her life was celebrated. Mom and I always took comfort in joking about things that most people wouldn't. It was a way of coping, I guess. Humor is a frequent favorite way of dealing in our family. We said that we were hoping that this would sort of be like a funeral, except you're still here and we can tell you what your life has meant to us...a celebration of life. And it was indeed.

Friends from past and present came. Family joined together. There was even an amazing surprise. Mom's favorite teacher and best friend from school later married (as adults!). They had moved far away, but happened to be in mom's home town for a visit. They saw the flyer and decided to come right over. None of us had expected them, so it was a super surprise to mom. Amazing...that God wanted them to be there...and He worked it out.

I can't explain the glow of my mom's smile, the joy that shone in her eyes. The picture on my sidebar was from that day. It was amazing and beautiful. One of the most beautiful days of my life. It was as if God opened up the heavens and said, I see you dear Kathy, and you are dearly loved. I thought that this must be just a little piece what heaven is like...the joy and unity and goodness. The celebration of life. We will never forget that day...and the people who shared it with us.




The first picture above is my mom and my brothers and the kids. My brother's wife is in the picture, but Tim is missing! =( Just to prove that he really was there, the second picture above is my sweet husband and his golf team, who won the event! Tim is on the far left. I included this pic because Tim was sadly left out of the family photo, in the frenzy of the day. He was still out golfing or eating dinner...and I just said go ahead and take the pic. I so regret my hastiness now. I am horrible at realizing the importance of getting pictures for memory purposes. I am learning the hard way, though and (hopefully) won't make the mistake again!