Shining Our Light...

Thought I'd share this little live recording of my husband and I shining our light this morning during worship at our church. Please forgive the imperfections. I'm noticing that the more I hear myself on recordings, the more I prefer a live performance. It's just more forgiving when you are there...in the moment. But, with a recording...there's no grace...and we all know how much I love (and need) grace! So...even though it's far from perfect, it's a little picture of us. I love singing with my husband. So, I'm sharing it (and us anyway)...just as we are.

Speaking of shining our light...

I feel like I haven't been doing that enough lately. Sure, I'm busy serving, busy doing, busy running in all directions. But, in the midst of it all, my light has almost gone out. It's barely flickering way down deep under several bushels (or layers, if you will). You see the layers have been pulled away and I've pulled them back on over the past few weeks...off and on...as I keep stubbornly and numbly going out in my own power to do, do, do.

How's that working out for me?

Not so well. I'm growing exhausted, weary, making mistakes, overlooking details, drained of energy and creativity, missing the gift of right now with the people I love. My intentions are good. I desire to reach out to grieving families and encourage women with love, compassion, and biblical truth...as the Lord has laid on my heart to do. This is a good thing...a privilege and an honor to serve Him in this way. It generally blesses me more, I think, than even those we are allowed to serve. But, lately I have become immersed in the world of sorrow...driven to do more. And, I've rarely come up for air. So preoccupied with those walking in the valley of the shadow of death, I am missing a big part of life.

The result.... I'm drowning a little...
...beneath the weight of sorrow I see in the grieving hearts all around me.
...beneath the piles of ignored paperwork.
...beneath the responsibilities of work, home, ministry.
...beneath my own limitations and failures.
...beneath the layers I've once again retreated to.
...beneath the piles of laundry and dishes and layers of dust.
...beneath the unfinished lists.
...beneath the unmet expectations.

I'm not sharing this to complain or ask that anyone feel sorry for me. Certainly, I am blessed among women to do what I do. The ministry God has given me is a gift that I cherish. He has laid a passion on my heart that spurs me on, past the weariness most of the time. Why am I sharing it? Because, I suspect I'm not alone. I suspect I'm not the only woman out there drowning a little right now under all the demands she has placed on her shoulders....under all the layers she hides behind. Because we are women, after all...and we can handle it. We can handle all of it. At least we think we're supposed to able to. It hurts me a little even to write these words...to admit that I can't always juggle it all. I want to be able to....want to think I can. Often, I feel like a failure because I think I SHOULD be able to, and it hurts to realize I can't.

Recently, Kate from Called Out One, shared on this topic and it resonated with me right now on so many levels. I don't feel like I'm being very beautiful, lately. I don't feel connected with those I love as much as I want to. I feel like I'm just surviving the days instead of really living them. And, the reason I feel that way, is because I am just going, instead of being still and knowing that He is God. I am running until I drop, instead of resting in Him. I am relying on my own meager strength instead of realizing that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. My supposed quiet time with the Lord is full of unfocused, rushed noise. This isn't what Jesus meant for me...or for any of us (if you are indeed out there drowning, too.).

Here's the thing, though. It's really easy to see the answer and to write it here in lovely sounding words. I need to take time to sit before the Lord, seeking His way, going out in His strength, being filled with His peace. I need to balance some living with all of the serving and dwelling on the reality of death. I need to keep the priority list in order and take care of my home and family. I need to make a schedule and stick to it to make sure all of this happens. I've even said these things and blogged about these things once or a hundred times before.

Yes...that's all true.

But, in reality...I get tired and distracted.In reality, I'm supposed to start my day with devotions and I'm tired from staying up way too late working on the ministry. In reality, I have to get up early in the morning and get my children off to school and myself ready and off to work. Energy reserves wane by the time I've spent my day at work in the classroom. Next, I'm supposed to exercise...and again I'm tired. (Like devotions, though, I never regret exercising once I push myself to do it...and it actually increases energy! But...it's mustering the initiative to do it that's the challenge!) James gets off the bus and Timothy comes home. Everyone settles in from their day for a bit. Then, homework for the kids...more ministry work for me. Dad comes home...supper...dishes (sometimes...and sometimes I just leave them, which doesn't do the next day's weariness any favors!). Bedtime for the kids (well the younger one)...hopefully a little bedtime devotion. Then...a little time with my husband (although not enough lately)... more ministry work...and sometime (hopefully) a little sleep.

Again...I'm grateful for my family, for this ministry, and for my job. But, there needs to be some balance. There needs to be (as Pastor James would say) a "Sabbath". What does that mean? That means there needs to be some time set aside to rest, to enjoy time with the Lord, and time with my family, to just live and be. I'm not talking about going to church. We do that every Sunday (and often serve there as well, helping with worship and children's worship). God places an importance on rest. He rested after creating the world and Jesus often took time to rest when He was on this Earth. He did not rush around like a crazy person until He was depleted of energy...healing and teaching and serving willy-nilly. He went forth in peace. And He took time to rest. There was a balance. So...rest and balance are what I'm seeking. A little more living and cherishing this life is on my new list of things to do. And...a little more shining my light...or letting His light shine through me, rather. Please pray for me in this area.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:16