What Would Have Been

It was twelve years ago...the first silent snowfall of the year. It was early for such a heavy snow. November 3, 1996. The snow flakes were big and fluffy...perfect. It was as if it were sent just for them. Peace washed over me as I breathed through the next contraction. Focus. Breathe. Push. And silence...as silent as the snow falling outside.

There they were, so tiny and delicate. First Faith...born silently. Then Grace, smaller but less broken. They had their father's nose. They looked like their big brother. I didn't see their brokenness. I saw them as the beautiful girls that God created them to be. They were my daughters, and they were beautiful. One in each arm, I sang Amazing Grace with my mom on one side and Tim on the other. We wept, prayed, and said good-bye.

Over the years, I have dreamt of what Faith and Grace would be doing if they were here with us, and I have wondered what they are doing in heaven right now. I have dreamt of long brown hair with ribbons, little girl giggles, and dresses with lace. Baby dolls and making cookies. All the accessories at the Gymboree store. When Timothy was little, he would dream with me. We would have cupcakes or cookies and sing Happy Birthday. He would say something like, "I bet they would have Barbie pajamas." I love the simple beauty of childlike faith, and I treasured remembering with him.

My world is boy world, and for the most part...I love it. I have embraced it, and cherish all things boy. Love football. Love golf. Love baseball. Love soccer. Love everything they do. I cheer them on, encourage them, resist the urge to run on to the field when they're injured. I pray silently and wish them luck as they go into the woods to hunt...with guns. I fish. To entertain the youngest while the oldest was golfing at a match, I let James see how many locust shells he could put on my lap. I hold frogs, catch lightning bugs, hunt for grasshoppers. And I am grateful for every boy-filled moment of my life.

God has certainly mended my broken heart, and He pours out His sufficient grace for our family each day. The love He has given us...the gratefulness He has taught us. And the legacy He has given to our children...seeing Faith's footprint on every Dreams of You Memory Book and Comfort Bear that touches the heart of grieving moms all over the country...all of those things fall into the category of beauty from ashes. And, oh...how beautiful it is...the joy after the storm. The peace that comes from being carried. Knowing, really knowing that no matter what, Jesus will never leave us or forsake us...knowing that when we walk through the fiery furnace, He will be there in the midst of it, and we will not get burned. And friends, the only way for us to really know that, is to have walked through the fire and to have experienced His grace. That's where faith grows...in the valleys of sorrow...in the fiery furnaces. For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. ~ Ephesians 2:8

Still, even now there are pangs of yearning for my daughters and sorrow over what might have been. Identical twin daughters is quite a unique gift that would have brought a lifetime of joy. How fun it would have been to dress them up and have tea parties with Grandma Rutter. We had big dreams for them. I had the nursery picked out and plans for so many dresses. Mom would have made the baptismal gowns just like she's done for all my children. And they would have been breath-taking. Now, twelve years later they would have wanted to experiment with hair and make-up. There would be slumber parties, and even more giggling. Girl hormones would fill our house, clashing with teenage boy hormone-driven tempers. Timothy is fourteen. Faith and Grace would be twelve. Thomas would be ten. And James is seven. Our house would certainly be a happening place (even more than it already is!).

Several years ago, I was looking at some baby girl clothes at a garage sale, when someone said, "You don't have little girls. What are you doing? Just dreaming?" Yes I was just dreaming. I've been dreaming for twelve years. The other day, I stopped to smile at a little girl who was all decked out with accessories. Someone walked by and said, "Don't you wish you had a girl?" I nodded quietly. I still wish I had two girls, but not just any girls...my girls. Then I remember that I was given the gift of two girls, identical twin daughters...girls to carry within me for a short time...to dream about for a lifetime...girls who have been woven into the tapestry of this family...girls who were loved, wanted, prayed for, treasured, and remembered. Girls whose lives have helped offer comfort and hope to hundreds of families through the Dreams of You Memory Book and the Comfort Bears. My girls may not be clothed in ribbons and lace or Gymboree accessories on this earth. But my girls are clothed with the beauty of Heaven and surrounded by the Light of the One who carries me through this life.

And I am grateful for the gift of being their mama...Happy Birthday Faith and Grace! I can just see you having a tea party with Grandma Rutter, and giggling...always giggling.