Letting Go...

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.
~ Philippians 3:12-13

There is something no one tells a mother when she is expecting her first bundle of joy, or when she is peacefully nursing her newborn, or even when she is potty training and navigating through the "terrible twos". There is a hint of it the first day her little one toddles off to Kindergarten. A small tearing away, but it is quickly mended when he returns home to the waiting arms of the mama he still needs and adores. Otherwise, we mothers are oblivious to what is coming. We think when these children enter our lives and consume our hearts that we will always be mothering them. They will always be in our care. If we knew, if we really knew what was coming, would we have the courage to embark on this journey?

Here it is...the point of the training of children is that they will one day function as independent, self-sufficient adults.(And of course, not just adults, but adults who are walking closely with the Lord.) And that sounds wonderful, except there is this fire...this upheaval they must walk through first, a mysterious, tumultuous, dangerous place between child and adult. During that time, there is a tearing away that must be done on the part of the child, and a letting go that seems impossible on the part of the mother.

And so here we are, caught in the vortex of teenage transition. My son is becoming a man. He reminds me more of a young man that the boy I knew. He doesn't talk much and is annoyed by most things I do and almost everything I say. When our kids are young, mom can always make it better with a hug and a band aid or a cookie. Now, there are struggles that I don't even know about and disappointments that I cannot make better...and believe me, no one's asking for my help anyway. I must change the way I relate to him, learn to respect him, to understand and accept the person he is becoming, stepping out of the way while he works through struggles on his own. I will continue to pray for him that God will work in his life to show him the way to walk. And I'm grateful for the honorable young man he is becoming, and the qualities he has been blessed with. Most of all, I need to let go...and that is the hardest part. I don't want him to make mistakes...to suffer through the pain...to be harmed spiritually, emotionally, physically by this world and all the damage it can do. Do I trust God to protect him when he drives off in a car? The first time he goes on a date? When temptation weaves its magic spell before his eyes? Who else can protect him? Certainly not me.

I have been protecting and guarding, fighting the good fight, reminding my boys to be "innocent of what is evil", to guard what their eyes see and all that enters their mind. But, we can't protect forever, and we can't control what is to come. It sounds so easy...let go, trust God. And there it is...that's what faith looks like folks. It's not easy and wrapped up in some little perfect package. Faith grows in the messy, brokenness of our desperation to hold on. It's in the painful, aching of letting go that faith grows. It's in the letting go of what we cannot control and the holding on to the One who is in control. So by the grace of God, I will learn to loosen my grip on this child who never really belonged to me and desperately cling instead to the Lord...the Father who loves him even more than I do. Pray for me as I learn to let go...