A Gift of Time Book Tour

For those new to this site, my name is Kelly Gerken, and I am the founder of Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women and Families. You can learn more about our non-profit ministry which offers comfort and hope to hundreds of families each year all over the United States and beyond by clicking the link in this post or the Home Tab at the top of the page. This ministry was born from our own family's journey through the loss of three of our five children: twin daughters, Faith and Grace, who suffered from twin to twin transfusion syndrome and a son, Thomas, who was diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome. You can read more about our family's story of hope and healing by clicking here.

I mentioned in a previous post that part of our story was shared in a recently published book co-authored by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah Davis entitled, A Gift of Time. This book is a wonderful resource for families who are facing a fatal pregnancy diagnosis and for those who walk with them through this journey. Kathleen Benson is hosting a question/answer virtual book tour today, so I joined in to share some thoughts along with a few of the other contributors.

I answered some of the other questions, especially my initial reaction/feelings after reading the book in a previous post. Click here to read those thoughts.

And, now I'll try to answer a few other questions on the tour:

· As a bereaved parent, how have you continued to celebrate the memory of your deceased infant, and what resources did you utilize to help you cope with your loss?

During a past session of Walking With You (our online bereavement support site), I shared more details about how we remember our babies. In the beginning, we had little birthday parties with cupcakes or cookies with a close friend. We don't always make a big deal out of those days now, many years later. But, we never forget. Hanging special ornaments on the tree at Christmas, donating bibles in their names, purchasing presents to give to needy children at Christmas through Operation Christmas child...these are all different things we have done. One of the most significant ways that their lives have touched the lives of others is the legacy they have through Sufficient Grace Ministries. Every Dreams of You Memory Book that is given to a grieving family, every Comfort Bear that fills a pair of empty arms...every one of the items we give says that Faith, Grace, and Thomas were here. Their lives mattered. Because they lived, because God comforted us in our grief, we can reach out to offer comfort and hope to others.

· For most of the contributors to A Gift of Time, many years have now come and gone since the deaths of our babies. Looking back on your pregnancy and experience since the birth and death of your child(ren) has your perspective changed at all over the years? Do you have any regrets or think that you would do anything differently, “knowing what you know now?”

It has been fourteen years since Faith and Grace were born still, and twelve years since we spent six precious hours with our Thomas before saying goodbye. When we carried Thomas, after learning of his fatal diagnosis, we didn't know that we were making some brave choice. We were just trying to parent our son the best we could, and do what we felt was right in the eyes of the Lord. We didn't know the significance of that choice. Looking back, I realize that there was so little support because most of the time families in our situation chose to terminate. We were sort of like pioneers in many ways. But, we didn't know that. We were just trying to survive it...praying for a miracle, while planning a funeral.

Regrets...

Yes, I have many. I regret not taking on the perspective that we could take Thomas to different places while in my womb, making memories...soaking in that gift of time for all it was worth. I sang to him, prayed for him, talked with him. I did cherish the time. But there was so much more I could have done. I could have written him letters. I could have had beautiful maternity pictures taken. I could have planned to have our oldest son at the hospital to share that precious time, along with other family members. We could have chosen comfort care...and would have, if we would have known there was such a thing. I could have written a birth plan, if I would have known there was such a thing. I could have given him a bath like I wanted, instead of allowing the nurse to tell me that would just be "too hard". I wish I could have had beautiful photographs of all three of our babies and our family like parents have today through organizations like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I wish I had pictures of me kissing his face. I wish I would have unwrapped him and taken pictures of his feet and hands.

There are more. I could fill books with my regrets. But, I did the best I could. We did the best we could. We loved our children...all of them. And, one thing we do not regret. We do not regret giving them every opportunity for life. We view our time with them as the most precious of gifts. For that we are grateful...and for the promise that our regrets will one day be wiped away along with our tears. All will be right in heaven, where they wait, complete and safe.

· Whether or not you believe that “everything happens for a reason,” what good have you found that has come from your experience parenting a baby that did not live long before or after their birth?

I could fill books with the good that has been born from this journey, as well. We believe and have witnessed, that God makes beauty from ashes. We would have never chosen this path, but it is the path we have walked. And, there have been beautiful gifts in our lives because Faith, Grace, and Thomas lived. We were broken, more than once, in our sorrow. We learned to cling to God in such a profound and deep way...a way that can only be learned through being so broken, so desperate, so in need of His strength. We learned what it feels like to experience His sufficient grace. Our marriage went through incredible struggles, and seemed that it would barely survive at one point. And, yet...He healed not only our broken hearts, but our marriage has been restored to a place I never imagined possible. I mentioned before the work of  Sufficient Grace Ministries. That is a beautiful picture of the good being born from so much sorrow. And, we stand in awe of the privilege of being able to watch this story unfold.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4



Because we were comforted by a loving God, we want to reach out and offer comfort to others walking this path.
This verse has also held true for us:


Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 126:5

Thanks so much for stopping by on the tour. You can meet some of the other contributors to A Gift of Time by visiting Kathleen's site, linked below.
To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at Four of a Kind.

A Gift of Time and Perinatal Hospice

I wrote a post on the Sufficient Grace blog about the new book by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah Davis called A Gift of Time. There is also a giveaway and more information about perinatal hospice support for families facing a fatal or poor pregnancy diagnosis. Please click here to read about this wonderful book I had the privilege of contributing our family's story to, and read more about the amazing work of perinatal hospice.

A Gift of Time ~ Perinatal Hospice (Giveaway)

Giveaway Closed...Winners Announced

Several years ago, after I was featured as the keynote speaker at the Grand Rounds at Good Samaritan Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio, my maternal fetal medicine specialist, Dr. Marcotte, recommended that I take part in a project led by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah Davis. After reading Amy's book, Waiting With Gabriel, I was intrigued by the book Amy and Deborah were writing. Their mission was to collect stories from families who had chosen to continue a pregnancy after receiving a fatal diagnosis. Their goal was to change the way some may think about continuing these pregnancies. Many in the medical field encourage mothers to terminate these pregnancies, feeling that is the best way to deal with the "situation". Some feel that it is a waste of time, money, and medical resources to continue when the baby's life is expected to be brief. Some, mistakenly feel that it will lessen the burden of the parents' grief if they have less time to bond with the child fated to die.

Families who are given a fatal diagnosis are not often told of the option to continue a pregnancy. They are in the minority, as most people still choose to terminate. Often, doctors do not even use words like terminate, or abortion. Many are either not aware that there is support for these families, or choose not to share this information.

 Hearing that your baby is doomed to die is nothing short of devastating. At first, many looking to their doctors and other experts for advice may agree that it would be easier to just end the pregnancy quickly, in a desire to escape what is to come. The truth many have found, however, is that there is no escape. Grief and sorrow for your baby's life that was lost will come regardless of when and how your baby's life ends. But, those who chose to terminate have an added facet of guilt and regret.

As the authors wrote, "Your heart is going to break either way; why not embrace the opportunity to fill your heart first?"

Perinatal hospice offers a different option. The option of life...the philosophy that every life has value, no matter how brief. It isn't about dying. It's about living, and cherishing the gift of time we are given with those we love. A Gift of Time challenges us to look at these pregnancies in a different light. Instead of feeling hopelessness that our baby is doomed to die, they offer hope that we can make the most of the gift of time we are given with this precious life. They offer support for families throughout pregnancy, through delivery, and beyond...for the duration of the baby's life. They offer compassion and comfort. They offer wisdom from those who have walked this path, those who view death as a part of life..a time that is sacred, precious, and should be done with dignity and respect. While perinatal hospice is not an exclusively Christian organization, it is very life-affirming and offers a perspective I wish would have existed when my family walked this path fourteen years ago and again twelve years ago.

So, I filled out the questionnaire they provided, sharing our journey with sweet Thomas...sharing how we agonized over the choice presented to us...how we chose life for our son...how we waiting and prayed, hoped and prepared...and how we were blessed beyond words at the precious gift of time we received with our sweet boy and the grace waiting for us at the end of our journey. I didn't walk this path perfectly. There were moments of doubt, fear, and weakness. But, inevitably, it was God's grace that covered my weakness and an abiding faith in Him that carried us through that time and have led us to this time.

The book finally arrived last week, after years of Amy and Deborah poring over story after story...weaving their own research and wisdom from walking this path throughout the book. I anxiously opened my copy and flipped through at first to find all of the times I was quoted. My words were marked with Kelly G. in the book, so I could pick them out quickly.

For a few moments, I'll admit, I struggled as I always do when I read my words about my children quoted by someone else. They are words from such a sacred tender place in my heart that I often feel quite protective and guarded. I consider my children such a precious gift, meant to honor God, which is the deepest desire of my heart. My Jesus and my children....both sacred to me. I'm often concerned that my words and thoughts are shared perfectly so as not to mislead another. It is difficult to see only pieces of what was said...absent from the rest of the story. Pieces that only answer part of the question. For instance, the parts where I shared my struggles with trusting and making choices that honored God and protected our family without seeing how God carried us through that time right after I shared the parts where I struggled.

So, I need to say here....that yes, we struggled. We didn't always walk perfectly. One father shared that he told his wife on the day of their diagnosis, "we will hold hands, trust God and sing in this storm".  I wish we had said something so beautiful to one another. I did trust God...and eventually we both learned to sing in the storm. But, Tim and I felt the darkness of devastation on the day of our diagnosis. I wanted to drown in the rain...run as far as I could from the mocking voice asking me "Where is your God now?" In that moment, I didn't have an answer. But, when I lay awake that night, I wept over my bible, desperate for an answer to that question, clinging to the Lord and singing praise to Him, promising that "Yes, Lord...even in the depths of this sorrow, I will bless you...even now". Sometimes we resisted this path instead of embracing it. There was so much we didn't know...so much that is available now that wasn't available to us. We were on our own, pioneers walking this precarious unknown path without a map.

But, know this....we never for one moment regretted our choice to carry Thomas....to trust the Lord with his life. I looked to the Lord during every moment of weakness and doubt and He sustained me. And, in the end...when we met our sweet Thomas and spent those precious hours with him, it was Jesus Himself who met us there and filled me with joy and peace. It was one of the greatest gifts of my life. And, I wouldn't trade the gifts of Thomas' life or the lives of Faith and Grace for anything. Because of them, we learned about believing without seeing...the beauty that rises from the ashes...the grace that is sufficient to carry us no matter what we face.

After my initial struggle with seeing our story quoted in pieces, I decided to embrace what I said. After all, my words and thoughts were true. There were imperfect moments. Moments covered in grace. I began to read the book from beginning to end, and I was suddenly moved beyond words by the testimony of others who had walked on this sacred ground. Mothers and fathers who put words to the thoughts in my own heart. I am humbled to be among these amazing parents who courageously and beautifully chose life for their children, against doctors' orders, against the advice of those they love, embracing the time they were given. Some had varying circumstances. Some babies' lives were quite brief, some lasted days, months, or even years. Some babies faced other complications and disabilities, and those families continue to embrace the miracle of life as they care for their special needs children each day.

Every one of these families are heroes to me. It is hard to even imagine that I am among them. I imagine that they feel the same way I do. At the time, it didn't seem like some great thing we were doing. I was just being a mom, who loved and desperately wanted to protect and care for her baby and family. I didn't ask for that choice, and when met with it, I felt ill equipped and chose to trust the Lord with the things that were bigger than me. After choosing life for our son, it seemed that the idea of choice was almost ridiculous. Of course, he was our son...how could there be any other choice? The next days, we just tried to survive the journey most of the time...trusting, waiting. Some today have the knowledge to do more...to make precious memories, to prepare for that sweet time after you meet your baby. But, we walked this path before all of that. We loved Thomas and cherished that time the best we could. And, we cherish the tangible memories and photos we were given from that time.

As one mother named Jessica says, "I'm his mother. It's not up to me to number his days. It's up to me to provide the best home I can for as long as he's here."

That's what the mothers in this book and other mothers who walked this path did as well. That's what mothers do.

A Gift of Time is a wonderful resource for parents receiving a fatal or poor diagnosis in pregnancy, those already walking the path and awaiting their baby's arrival, those who have walked this path, and those in the medical field who are caring for these families. It offers a map to guide you through these uncharted waters. It offers the comfort that you are not alone, the encouragement that you can embrace this time you are given with your child, and the hope that there will be blessings and precious gifts on this journey. There is sweetness among the bitterness.

There are heartfelt expressions from families who have actually walked this path scattered throughout this book. They share memory making ideas, heart-wrenching struggles, hope and healing they experienced, and inevitably the truth that they are forever grateful for the time they were given with their children. A Gift of Time is incredibly life affirming, and I'm so grateful that I had the privilege of sharing in this project alongside the other families who shared their experiences. Amy and Deborah did an extraordinary job weaving the stories together...giving a voice to these parents with dignity and honoring the precious lives of our babies. It is my hope and prayer that this book will find its way into the hands of those who need it most, parents and caregivers alike. I am also grateful this beautiful work was put together in a way that caregivers can hopefully form a different opinion after reading the overwhelming evidence that parents benefit from giving their babies every opportunity to live, no matter how briefly...that these lives are precious and valuable and worthy of our time.

The authors end with these words of truth, "You are your baby's parent, always. Death is not powerful enough to erase your bond or the fact that your baby lived."

(As a side note, we have served parents who through medical necessity or due to pressure from doctors, or just considering it their best option made a different choice when faced with a fatal diagnosis. I pray that in no way my words would be used to add to your pain. There is hope and healing for the guilt and regret you may feel. While it is always our position whenever possible to preserve life, there is nothing that Jesus cannot forgive and cover with His grace. You are still a parent, grieving your child. And, we will gladly offer you our love, prayers, and support. And, for those forced to induce early due to the fact that both mother and baby were dying, as in the case of a dear friend of mine, God knows that you were in an impossible position. There really was no choice, and He understands that. His grace and love covers it all.)

Sufficient Grace Ministries would like to give away two copies of this book on this post: One to any parent who is walking or has walked this path and one to a doctor, nurse, or caregiver who works with those who may encounter these decisions. You may also enter if you would like to give the book to someone in either of these categories. Please list in the comment section your intent in using this book to enter the giveaway. You can also order the book at Amazon.com or www.perinatalhospice.org. I would love to hear your thoughts on embracing the gift of time you were given if you are a parent who has walked this path. Please share your heart in the comments. Like the families in this book, your words could be a source of great encouragement to another family facing the loss of their baby.