Awake

It happens more often than I care to admit. And here I am once again. Awake. I woke up at 2:00a.m. It's 4:00a.m., and I'm still here. Still awake.

It began the same as always...my to-do list...followed by little anxieties...moving on to bigger anxieties...concerns about the kids...concerns about upcoming family needs...demands on our time and finances...the schedule. I start to pray about the concerns as worry and fretting threaten to creep their way into my mind. Why does it happen? Why am I awakened with nagging anxieties...thoughts that I should have given to God right away, instead of allowing them to fester and find their way out at 2:00a.m.? In the middle of the night (or the wee hours of the morning) the little insecurities, my weaknesses, my anxieties seem more powerful than in the safety of daylight. The darkness magnifies doubt and fear.

I know the drill. So I start to pray every time the heaviness of fear or worry tug at my mind. I pray over my concerns, Tim, the kids. I move on to the ministry and friends. I pray and read God's word until the peace comes, and the blanket of restful sleep comes. Or, sometimes, if I'm too wide awake by then, I write, or read (most recently I'm hooked on Karen Kingsbury's series on the Baxter Family...a warning: Only begin reading this series if you have plenty of time to devote to constant, all-consuming reading. It is highly addictive and once you begin, you may not be able to stop reading about the Baxters until you have satisfactorily devoured all that is written about this fictional family that is somehow capturing the hearts of America), or I work on the ministry, or just think for awhile in the silence.

Tonight is one of the latter nights. I've prayed, finished reading some Karen Kingsbury, spent some time thinking, and I'm still awake. Hence, the current blog post. Some of my thoughts led me here...you know, the thinking leads to the writing! The best thinking is usually done in the middle of the night. During this season of my life it makes sense. It's the only time it's quiet enough to stop and think. Our days are so full, so busy and noisy. Sometimes it feels like I'm just floating along, ruled by the relentless schedule of our full family calendar: the sports, school events, work, church, ministry, speaking events, orthodontist, eye doctor, pediatrician, dentist and on and on. I look around and I'm not floating through the rapids alone. Every family I know speaks of the busyness of life. Still, in the quiet of this night/morning, I'm wondering if there isn't some way to live differently...to find stillness in the hustle and bustle. To find quiet and calm, peace in the storms.

Maybe that's why it happens so much, why I spend so many nights here... awake. Some of the best prayer sessions happen in the middle of the night. I wonder if it's because it's the only time I'm quiet enough to really hear the Lord whisper His truth into my heart, mind, and soul. The answers often come quicker in the silence of the night. The reassuring scriptures are more easily brought to my mind. Sometimes I wonder...maybe God allows me to be awake in the middle of the night so that He can fully have my attention.

Last week, James and I were doing his bedtime devotional. We were talking about how God speaks to us with a "still, small voice".

James said, "I've never heard God speak, Mama."

I said, "You have to be really quiet to hear God speak, James. You have to be thinking about God, praying to Him, and you have to know His words. God speaks to us through the Bible, and He reminds us of His words when we need them. We don't hear Him out loud. He brings His words into our mind and heart. But we have to be listening for His voice...His words. The more time we spend with Him, the more we know when He's speaking to our hearts."

He closed his eyes tight and said, "Shhh. Mom, I'm listening. I want to be really quiet so I can hear God speak."



From The Women's Edge - Spring 2008
Living for Today
by Kelly Gerken

Part One: The Lie
Lie Number One: Regret...Sorrow over the Past

It's the middle of the night and I'm awake again, wrestling with regrets. Sometimes they are big regrets...moments in time that I can never get back...times when I wasn't the mother I should've been, or the wife, or the friend, or the Christian, or the daughter. These are the times when my stomach churns, my throat gets dry and swollen. I toss and turn, recoiling from the images in my mind. How could I have let that person down? How could I drop the ball? How could I say such a thing? Why didn't I say anything?

Sometimes the regrets are small, but they keep me awake anyway. Maybe I'm mulling over and over some insignificant words I spoke, hoping they were the right ones...hoping I haven't offended or given a wrong impression. Never mind that it's almost always a guarantee that others are not losing sleep over anything we may say. In the middle of the night, details like that don't seem to matter. In the dark, the regrets sometimes seem larger and louder than anything else.

Peace is threatened as the agonizing "If onlys..." and "Could've beens" start rushing in. My mind is racing and I toss and turn. It's really impossible to fight regret in our own strength. Trying can lead to hopelessness...one of regret's best friends.

Lie Number Two: Worry...Fretting about Tomorrow

If regret does not have victory and steal my peace and joy, worry often gives a valiant effort. Maybe it's the stack of bills on the counter. How will they get paid? Maybe it's the future of our children. Will they be safe? Will they seek God's will for their lives? Maybe it's a concern over a new work responsibility coming up, or a public speaking engagement. Will I say the right things? Can I fulfill all of my responsibilities? Will I make the right choices? What does the future hold? My questions are met with silence, and more tossing and turning in the dark.


Lie Number Three: I will have Peace and Satisfaction, someday, if only....

Now this lie is a tricky one. There's nothing wrong with a little dreaming and planning for the future. We have desires in our hearts, and we should wisely plan for the future. The problem comes when we cross over from dreaming and planning to thinking that our peace and joy depends on our dreams and our plans. This lie says we will have peace and satisfaction someday when whatever obstacle or problem before us is solved. Rather than focusing on what we're given today, we say..."It will be better when...I lose this weight...or I have more money... or I've received this degree...earned a promotion...buy a new house...my loved one comes to know the Lord, etc.

Part Two: The Truth

The Truth about Lie Number One: Regret
The truth is, as a human being on planet earth, there is little I can do about being tempted to drown in the sea of my own regret in the middle of the night. Those thoughts still come sometimes, and they're often a result of my sins, failures, and weaknesses. But, as a Christian covered in the armor of God, I have weapons that do not render me helpless when regret comes calling in the dark.

The truth is, I am a sinner...but my sins have been forgiven, and they are covered by the blood of Jesus.I am weak, but God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinth 12:9 ) When the fiery darts come flying my way, I am covered in spiritual armor, and I have a sword worthy for the battle...a sword with a promise of a victory that's already been won...the Word of God. So, practically speaking, what do we do when we awaken covered with the dark blanket of regret? We take those regrets to our Father in prayer, and we resist the lies that we are defeated, hopeless, and unworthy with the truth of Scripture. Regret may do it's best to draw us in, but it is no place for us to live and dwell. Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus had also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 3:12-14

The Truth about Lie Number Two: Worry

Psalm 37:3-8Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret - it only causes harm.

Matthew 6:31-34"Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

There isn't anything I can add to that!

The Truth about Lie Number Three: I Will Have Peace Someday...

The scriptures in Psalm 37 and Matthew 6 apply to this lie too. God has given us all we need for today. Our joy comes from abiding in Him...today. Our peace comes from focusing on the blessings of all that He's given us today. If we are focused on what we've lost in the past, or worried about what tomorrow may bring...we miss what God has for us today, and we cause ourselves unnecessary harm. At the same time, if we're looking at today's circumstances and saying..."life will be better someday when...", we are squandering the gifts of today. Life is better right now, because Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost. He redeemed us and set us free. In Him, there is forgiveness for our regrets. In Him, there is peace for our worries and rest for our weary souls. In Him, there is sufficient grace for today and hope for tomorrow.