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Thank you to Marsha at Sufficient Grace for Suffering Saints (http://middings.blogspot.com/) for nominating my blog for two awards. The awards are posted to the left and here are the rules of these awards, as well as my award nominees. I am quite new to blogging, so I hope I do this correctly.
The rules of this award are:
1. The winner can put the logo on her blog.
2. Link the person you received your award from.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Put links of those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message on the blogs of those you’ve nominated
Here are the rules of the smile award:
1. The recipient must link back to the awards creator (it's right on the award)
2. You must post these rules if you receive the award.
3. You must choose 5 people to receive the award after receiving it yourself.
4. You must fit the characteristics of the recipient of the award (see below.)
5. You must post the characteristics of a recipient.
6. You must create a post sharing your win with others.
7. You must thank your giver.
Characteristics for the Smile Award:
1. Must display a cheerful attitude. (not necessarily at all times--we are all human).
2. Must love one another.
3. Must make mistakes.
4. Must learn from others.
5. Must be a positive contributor to blog world.
6. Must love life.
7. Must love kids.
My seven nominees:
Bring the Rain
Be Strong and Courageous
http://my.sparkpeople.com/SIS293
Big Mama
Boo Mama
O.k. ... I can only think of 5 sites to award so far...but I will add 2 more soon. I'll be looking in blogland for the other 2 recipients, and will hopefully pass them on soon.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I'm Just Gonna
It's happening again. The days are getting shorter. The nights are getting cooler. The smell of fresh school supplies is in the air. That can mean only one thing... Back to school. For those of you who don't know, that means back to work for me. I work at my youngest son's elementary school as an educational paraprofessional assisting special needs students with one-on-one support.
As we prepare to return to our school year schedule, I am looking back over the summer to assess how we spent our time. The assessment leaves me unimpressed and a little disgusted with myself. Yes, we were very busy driving Timothy to baseball and golf. Yes, we did squeeze in James' T-Ball and swimming lessons and vacation bible school. There were bike rides and stolen moments skipping stones at the reservoir. And let's not forget the Cedar Point trip, the County Fair and the Corn City Festival. But what happened to my project list? What happened to organizing my house before the next school year so I don't waste endless minutes looking for socks...or a bill...or my glasses...or whatever essential item is lost in one of my piles.
Organization...not my strong point. Not because I don't appreciate the benefits and wisdom of organization. Not because I don't want a clean house. Lately, I'm just tired. Tired of running and full of thoughts in a thousand directions of things I would like to do or things that need done. There are household chores, ministry needs, paperwork, bills, the kids' activity schedules, speaking engagements to prepare for, writing deadlines, and preparing to return to work. Of course, what am I doing right now? Blogging. That's what happens. I look at the To-Do List, and quickly grow overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin. And there's only so much time in the day. Sometimes, I feel like I have ADD when I look at the list, because it certainly doesn't take a lot to distract me. I grow discouraged by the size of the tasks, and often do something that isn't even on the list, rather than choosing one of the dreaded items.
Don't think I'm proud of my failures in this area. The bible tells us to "do all things without complaining". Again, recently, I have fallen miserably short. I have been full of complaints about almost everything. And if I'm not complaining out loud, I've been doing it in my heart. My attitude can be summed up with one sentence: "I don't wanna!". From the time I get up, I've been filled with the "I-don't-wannas". I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna clean the house. I don't wanna go anywhere. You name it.
I know...it's disgusting. And, it's enough. Enough wallowing in laziness and self-pity over nothing. I have nothing to complain about. I am loved by a wonderful man, well-fed (which is proven by the extra ten pounds I carry with me where ever I go), privileged to serve the Lord in a growing ministry, healthy, have healthy kids, a great church family, have a good job, great friends, a nice little house in a free country, a life filled with laughter, music, and purpose. I could go on and on. My list of things to be grateful for is endless. So, enough complaining. Enough, putting off my duties. Enough.
From now on, I have a new theme. I'm sharing these windows into my weak spots with all of you so that if I'm once again overtaken with the "I don't wanna's" you can feel free to remind me of the new theme. Here it is:
No More I Don't Wanna...
From Now On: I'm Just Gonna...
Lord, please help me give up my procrastinating, my whining, my complaining, my ungratefulness. Please lift me out of the pit I've dug for myself. No more dwelling. No more wallowing. Help me, Lord. Help me to joyfully do what I've been given to do each day..."to work at everything with all my heart as unto the Lord." Amen
So, today is a new day filled with possibilities. Everything is still waiting on my to-do list. And today is not enough time to accomplish it all. But maybe I could start with just one thing. So, here we go...whatever it is before us...however pleasant or unpleasant the task, the answer is the same: I'm Just Gonna... fill in the blank. It's time for some transformation...some inspiration...time to start walking and talking like a new creation... It's time for me to stop avoiding it and get to work...to just do it.
I'm ready...Here I go...Just gonna do it...Now if I could just find the Windex...
As we prepare to return to our school year schedule, I am looking back over the summer to assess how we spent our time. The assessment leaves me unimpressed and a little disgusted with myself. Yes, we were very busy driving Timothy to baseball and golf. Yes, we did squeeze in James' T-Ball and swimming lessons and vacation bible school. There were bike rides and stolen moments skipping stones at the reservoir. And let's not forget the Cedar Point trip, the County Fair and the Corn City Festival. But what happened to my project list? What happened to organizing my house before the next school year so I don't waste endless minutes looking for socks...or a bill...or my glasses...or whatever essential item is lost in one of my piles.
Organization...not my strong point. Not because I don't appreciate the benefits and wisdom of organization. Not because I don't want a clean house. Lately, I'm just tired. Tired of running and full of thoughts in a thousand directions of things I would like to do or things that need done. There are household chores, ministry needs, paperwork, bills, the kids' activity schedules, speaking engagements to prepare for, writing deadlines, and preparing to return to work. Of course, what am I doing right now? Blogging. That's what happens. I look at the To-Do List, and quickly grow overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin. And there's only so much time in the day. Sometimes, I feel like I have ADD when I look at the list, because it certainly doesn't take a lot to distract me. I grow discouraged by the size of the tasks, and often do something that isn't even on the list, rather than choosing one of the dreaded items.
Don't think I'm proud of my failures in this area. The bible tells us to "do all things without complaining". Again, recently, I have fallen miserably short. I have been full of complaints about almost everything. And if I'm not complaining out loud, I've been doing it in my heart. My attitude can be summed up with one sentence: "I don't wanna!". From the time I get up, I've been filled with the "I-don't-wannas". I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna clean the house. I don't wanna go anywhere. You name it.
I know...it's disgusting. And, it's enough. Enough wallowing in laziness and self-pity over nothing. I have nothing to complain about. I am loved by a wonderful man, well-fed (which is proven by the extra ten pounds I carry with me where ever I go), privileged to serve the Lord in a growing ministry, healthy, have healthy kids, a great church family, have a good job, great friends, a nice little house in a free country, a life filled with laughter, music, and purpose. I could go on and on. My list of things to be grateful for is endless. So, enough complaining. Enough, putting off my duties. Enough.
From now on, I have a new theme. I'm sharing these windows into my weak spots with all of you so that if I'm once again overtaken with the "I don't wanna's" you can feel free to remind me of the new theme. Here it is:
No More I Don't Wanna...
From Now On: I'm Just Gonna...
Lord, please help me give up my procrastinating, my whining, my complaining, my ungratefulness. Please lift me out of the pit I've dug for myself. No more dwelling. No more wallowing. Help me, Lord. Help me to joyfully do what I've been given to do each day..."to work at everything with all my heart as unto the Lord." Amen
So, today is a new day filled with possibilities. Everything is still waiting on my to-do list. And today is not enough time to accomplish it all. But maybe I could start with just one thing. So, here we go...whatever it is before us...however pleasant or unpleasant the task, the answer is the same: I'm Just Gonna... fill in the blank. It's time for some transformation...some inspiration...time to start walking and talking like a new creation... It's time for me to stop avoiding it and get to work...to just do it.
I'm ready...Here I go...Just gonna do it...Now if I could just find the Windex...
Saturday, August 23, 2008
High School Mom
My oldest son is starting high school. The winds of change are blowing through our family and bringing with them an unfamiliar season. If you've been reading lately, you know I haven't been sleeping much. This new season is one of the main reasons for that. I know this now because he's the first thing on my mind when I awaken in the middle of the night, gripped with anxiety.
The idea is still sinking in. So, sometimes I say it over and over again. My son is going to high school. My son. Call me crazy, but it seems like I was just there not long ago. Not long after that, he was born into our hearts and lives... a little baby in my arms...a child who changed my life...who taught me that there were bigger things in this world than me...a child whose existence helped lead me to the saving knowledge of Jesus. How does this happen? Is it really time for the tumultuous roller coaster of high school?
They start out as these little babies, and they grow up to have those cute personalities while they explore the world as toddlers, then preschoolers, then they go to school and on it goes. It seems to parents like this will last forever. Forever we will have these little children. Forever daily family life will be absorbed by the pitter patter of little feet...by the sound of "Mama, I need your help" and "Daddy, let's play ball". Forever.
And then it happens. The realization that one day, those little feet will become big feet...REALLY big feet! One day, they will stop driving you crazy with "Mom, everyone's doing it" and "You just don't understand". One day, you will no longer be driving to the orthodontist, dentist, pediatrician, baseball practice, golf, the eye doctor, and meet the team night all in one day.
One day (very soon), he will drive himself to golf and baseball...and, yes...to high school. The next four years will fly by in a blur. I realized all of this while standing on the grounds of my own high school, listening to the band practice, watching the cheerleaders on the field, and listening to my son's coach mention his name to the newspaper writer. And it wasn't just my old high school anymore. It belonged to him as well. It was his time.
I knew that as sure as we were beginning a new season, an ending was also upon us. It is the hint of what is to come. He's now taking the first steps into the next four years, as the winds of change will swirl around him and all of us like a tornado...until the day when he steps out of this time and into adulthood. A lot will happen during the tornado years. I suppose it's that thought that brings me to my knees in prayer, and awakens me while it is yet dark.
Right now, it isn't my fears for tomorrow that I wish to dwell on, my regrets over missed opportunities, the yesterdays when his feet were still little, or the more recent battles we've waged as he fights the war of growing up. It's today. I want to hold on to today. To make it count...every moment of it. To soak it in. To enjoy him. To let him know that I'm always on his team, and that he'll always have a haven at home.
You know the song "I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles"...Well, I will drive it...sometimes in all in one day. And I will do it gladly. Because someday, very soon...it will all be over. A million times I've begged for peace and quiet or told them "Just a minute". Someday, there will be peace and quiet...loads of it...and more time than I could ever want. And the question that I am warding off in the middle of the night. The question waiting on the other side of tomorrow that I wish we would never come to is waiting for me. After all of the feeding, loving, sacrificing, gut-wrenching giving, boo-boo kissing, potty training, baseball watching, bible reading, wisdom imparting, disciplining, church go-ing, listening, advice giving, advice withholding, driving, cheering on, enduring, eye-rolling, "Watch your mouth" shouting, more driving, holding on, letting go. After all of that there will be just that one question remaining.
Now what?
The idea is still sinking in. So, sometimes I say it over and over again. My son is going to high school. My son. Call me crazy, but it seems like I was just there not long ago. Not long after that, he was born into our hearts and lives... a little baby in my arms...a child who changed my life...who taught me that there were bigger things in this world than me...a child whose existence helped lead me to the saving knowledge of Jesus. How does this happen? Is it really time for the tumultuous roller coaster of high school?
They start out as these little babies, and they grow up to have those cute personalities while they explore the world as toddlers, then preschoolers, then they go to school and on it goes. It seems to parents like this will last forever. Forever we will have these little children. Forever daily family life will be absorbed by the pitter patter of little feet...by the sound of "Mama, I need your help" and "Daddy, let's play ball". Forever.
And then it happens. The realization that one day, those little feet will become big feet...REALLY big feet! One day, they will stop driving you crazy with "Mom, everyone's doing it" and "You just don't understand". One day, you will no longer be driving to the orthodontist, dentist, pediatrician, baseball practice, golf, the eye doctor, and meet the team night all in one day.
One day (very soon), he will drive himself to golf and baseball...and, yes...to high school. The next four years will fly by in a blur. I realized all of this while standing on the grounds of my own high school, listening to the band practice, watching the cheerleaders on the field, and listening to my son's coach mention his name to the newspaper writer. And it wasn't just my old high school anymore. It belonged to him as well. It was his time.
I knew that as sure as we were beginning a new season, an ending was also upon us. It is the hint of what is to come. He's now taking the first steps into the next four years, as the winds of change will swirl around him and all of us like a tornado...until the day when he steps out of this time and into adulthood. A lot will happen during the tornado years. I suppose it's that thought that brings me to my knees in prayer, and awakens me while it is yet dark.
Right now, it isn't my fears for tomorrow that I wish to dwell on, my regrets over missed opportunities, the yesterdays when his feet were still little, or the more recent battles we've waged as he fights the war of growing up. It's today. I want to hold on to today. To make it count...every moment of it. To soak it in. To enjoy him. To let him know that I'm always on his team, and that he'll always have a haven at home.
You know the song "I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles"...Well, I will drive it...sometimes in all in one day. And I will do it gladly. Because someday, very soon...it will all be over. A million times I've begged for peace and quiet or told them "Just a minute". Someday, there will be peace and quiet...loads of it...and more time than I could ever want. And the question that I am warding off in the middle of the night. The question waiting on the other side of tomorrow that I wish we would never come to is waiting for me. After all of the feeding, loving, sacrificing, gut-wrenching giving, boo-boo kissing, potty training, baseball watching, bible reading, wisdom imparting, disciplining, church go-ing, listening, advice giving, advice withholding, driving, cheering on, enduring, eye-rolling, "Watch your mouth" shouting, more driving, holding on, letting go. After all of that there will be just that one question remaining.
Now what?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Awake
It happens more often than I care to admit. And here I am once again. Awake. I woke up at 2:00a.m. It's 4:00a.m., and I'm still here. Still awake.
It began the same as always...my to-do list...followed by little anxieties...moving on to bigger anxieties...concerns about the kids...concerns about upcoming family needs...demands on our time and finances...the schedule. I start to pray about the concerns as worry and fretting threaten to creep their way into my mind. Why does it happen? Why am I awakened with nagging anxieties...thoughts that I should have given to God right away, instead of allowing them to fester and find their way out at 2:00a.m.? In the middle of the night (or the wee hours of the morning) the little insecurities, my weaknesses, my anxieties seem more powerful than in the safety of daylight. The darkness magnifies doubt and fear.
I know the drill. So I start to pray every time the heaviness of fear or worry tug at my mind. I pray over my concerns, Tim, the kids. I move on to the ministry and friends. I pray and read God's word until the peace comes, and the blanket of restful sleep comes. Or, sometimes, if I'm too wide awake by then, I write, or read (most recently I'm hooked on Karen Kingsbury's series on the Baxter Family...a warning: Only begin reading this series if you have plenty of time to devote to constant, all-consuming reading. It is highly addictive and once you begin, you may not be able to stop reading about the Baxters until you have satisfactorily devoured all that is written about this fictional family that is somehow capturing the hearts of America), or I work on the ministry, or just think for awhile in the silence.
Tonight is one of the latter nights. I've prayed, finished reading some Karen Kingsbury, spent some time thinking, and I'm still awake. Hence, the current blog post. Some of my thoughts led me here...you know, the thinking leads to the writing! The best thinking is usually done in the middle of the night. During this season of my life it makes sense. It's the only time it's quiet enough to stop and think. Our days are so full, so busy and noisy. Sometimes it feels like I'm just floating along, ruled by the relentless schedule of our full family calendar: the sports, school events, work, church, ministry, speaking events, orthodontist, eye doctor, pediatrician, dentist and on and on. I look around and I'm not floating through the rapids alone. Every family I know speaks of the busyness of life. Still, in the quiet of this night/morning, I'm wondering if there isn't some way to live differently...to find stillness in the hustle and bustle. To find quiet and calm, peace in the storms.
Maybe that's why it happens so much, why I spend so many nights here... awake. Some of the best prayer sessions happen in the middle of the night. I wonder if it's because it's the only time I'm quiet enough to really hear the Lord whisper His truth into my heart, mind, and soul. The answers often come quicker in the silence of the night. The reassuring scriptures are more easily brought to my mind. Sometimes I wonder...maybe God allows me to be awake in the middle of the night so that He can fully have my attention.
Last week, James and I were doing his bedtime devotional. We were talking about how God speaks to us with a "still, small voice".
James said, "I've never heard God speak, Mama."
I said, "You have to be really quiet to hear God speak, James. You have to be thinking about God, praying to Him, and you have to know His words. God speaks to us through the Bible, and He reminds us of His words when we need them. We don't hear Him out loud. He brings His words into our mind and heart. But we have to be listening for His voice...His words. The more time we spend with Him, the more we know when He's speaking to our hearts."
He closed his eyes tight and said, "Shhh. Mom, I'm listening. I want to be really quiet so I can hear God speak."
From The Women's Edge - Spring 2008
Living for Today
by Kelly Gerken
Part One: The Lie
Lie Number One: Regret...Sorrow over the Past
It's the middle of the night and I'm awake again, wrestling with regrets. Sometimes they are big regrets...moments in time that I can never get back...times when I wasn't the mother I should've been, or the wife, or the friend, or the Christian, or the daughter. These are the times when my stomach churns, my throat gets dry and swollen. I toss and turn, recoiling from the images in my mind. How could I have let that person down? How could I drop the ball? How could I say such a thing? Why didn't I say anything?
Sometimes the regrets are small, but they keep me awake anyway. Maybe I'm mulling over and over some insignificant words I spoke, hoping they were the right ones...hoping I haven't offended or given a wrong impression. Never mind that it's almost always a guarantee that others are not losing sleep over anything we may say. In the middle of the night, details like that don't seem to matter. In the dark, the regrets sometimes seem larger and louder than anything else.
Peace is threatened as the agonizing "If onlys..." and "Could've beens" start rushing in. My mind is racing and I toss and turn. It's really impossible to fight regret in our own strength. Trying can lead to hopelessness...one of regret's best friends.
Lie Number Two: Worry...Fretting about Tomorrow
If regret does not have victory and steal my peace and joy, worry often gives a valiant effort. Maybe it's the stack of bills on the counter. How will they get paid? Maybe it's the future of our children. Will they be safe? Will they seek God's will for their lives? Maybe it's a concern over a new work responsibility coming up, or a public speaking engagement. Will I say the right things? Can I fulfill all of my responsibilities? Will I make the right choices? What does the future hold? My questions are met with silence, and more tossing and turning in the dark.
Lie Number Three: I will have Peace and Satisfaction, someday, if only....
Now this lie is a tricky one. There's nothing wrong with a little dreaming and planning for the future. We have desires in our hearts, and we should wisely plan for the future. The problem comes when we cross over from dreaming and planning to thinking that our peace and joy depends on our dreams and our plans. This lie says we will have peace and satisfaction someday when whatever obstacle or problem before us is solved. Rather than focusing on what we're given today, we say..."It will be better when...I lose this weight...or I have more money... or I've received this degree...earned a promotion...buy a new house...my loved one comes to know the Lord, etc.
Part Two: The Truth
The Truth about Lie Number One: Regret
The truth is, as a human being on planet earth, there is little I can do about being tempted to drown in the sea of my own regret in the middle of the night. Those thoughts still come sometimes, and they're often a result of my sins, failures, and weaknesses. But, as a Christian covered in the armor of God, I have weapons that do not render me helpless when regret comes calling in the dark.
The truth is, I am a sinner...but my sins have been forgiven, and they are covered by the blood of Jesus.I am weak, but God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinth 12:9 ) When the fiery darts come flying my way, I am covered in spiritual armor, and I have a sword worthy for the battle...a sword with a promise of a victory that's already been won...the Word of God. So, practically speaking, what do we do when we awaken covered with the dark blanket of regret? We take those regrets to our Father in prayer, and we resist the lies that we are defeated, hopeless, and unworthy with the truth of Scripture. Regret may do it's best to draw us in, but it is no place for us to live and dwell. Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus had also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 3:12-14
The Truth about Lie Number Two: Worry
Psalm 37:3-8Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret - it only causes harm.
Matthew 6:31-34"Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
There isn't anything I can add to that!
The Truth about Lie Number Three: I Will Have Peace Someday...
The scriptures in Psalm 37 and Matthew 6 apply to this lie too. God has given us all we need for today. Our joy comes from abiding in Him...today. Our peace comes from focusing on the blessings of all that He's given us today. If we are focused on what we've lost in the past, or worried about what tomorrow may bring...we miss what God has for us today, and we cause ourselves unnecessary harm. At the same time, if we're looking at today's circumstances and saying..."life will be better someday when...", we are squandering the gifts of today. Life is better right now, because Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost. He redeemed us and set us free. In Him, there is forgiveness for our regrets. In Him, there is peace for our worries and rest for our weary souls. In Him, there is sufficient grace for today and hope for tomorrow.
It began the same as always...my to-do list...followed by little anxieties...moving on to bigger anxieties...concerns about the kids...concerns about upcoming family needs...demands on our time and finances...the schedule. I start to pray about the concerns as worry and fretting threaten to creep their way into my mind. Why does it happen? Why am I awakened with nagging anxieties...thoughts that I should have given to God right away, instead of allowing them to fester and find their way out at 2:00a.m.? In the middle of the night (or the wee hours of the morning) the little insecurities, my weaknesses, my anxieties seem more powerful than in the safety of daylight. The darkness magnifies doubt and fear.
I know the drill. So I start to pray every time the heaviness of fear or worry tug at my mind. I pray over my concerns, Tim, the kids. I move on to the ministry and friends. I pray and read God's word until the peace comes, and the blanket of restful sleep comes. Or, sometimes, if I'm too wide awake by then, I write, or read (most recently I'm hooked on Karen Kingsbury's series on the Baxter Family...a warning: Only begin reading this series if you have plenty of time to devote to constant, all-consuming reading. It is highly addictive and once you begin, you may not be able to stop reading about the Baxters until you have satisfactorily devoured all that is written about this fictional family that is somehow capturing the hearts of America), or I work on the ministry, or just think for awhile in the silence.
Tonight is one of the latter nights. I've prayed, finished reading some Karen Kingsbury, spent some time thinking, and I'm still awake. Hence, the current blog post. Some of my thoughts led me here...you know, the thinking leads to the writing! The best thinking is usually done in the middle of the night. During this season of my life it makes sense. It's the only time it's quiet enough to stop and think. Our days are so full, so busy and noisy. Sometimes it feels like I'm just floating along, ruled by the relentless schedule of our full family calendar: the sports, school events, work, church, ministry, speaking events, orthodontist, eye doctor, pediatrician, dentist and on and on. I look around and I'm not floating through the rapids alone. Every family I know speaks of the busyness of life. Still, in the quiet of this night/morning, I'm wondering if there isn't some way to live differently...to find stillness in the hustle and bustle. To find quiet and calm, peace in the storms.
Maybe that's why it happens so much, why I spend so many nights here... awake. Some of the best prayer sessions happen in the middle of the night. I wonder if it's because it's the only time I'm quiet enough to really hear the Lord whisper His truth into my heart, mind, and soul. The answers often come quicker in the silence of the night. The reassuring scriptures are more easily brought to my mind. Sometimes I wonder...maybe God allows me to be awake in the middle of the night so that He can fully have my attention.
Last week, James and I were doing his bedtime devotional. We were talking about how God speaks to us with a "still, small voice".
James said, "I've never heard God speak, Mama."
I said, "You have to be really quiet to hear God speak, James. You have to be thinking about God, praying to Him, and you have to know His words. God speaks to us through the Bible, and He reminds us of His words when we need them. We don't hear Him out loud. He brings His words into our mind and heart. But we have to be listening for His voice...His words. The more time we spend with Him, the more we know when He's speaking to our hearts."
He closed his eyes tight and said, "Shhh. Mom, I'm listening. I want to be really quiet so I can hear God speak."
From The Women's Edge - Spring 2008
Living for Today
by Kelly Gerken
Part One: The Lie
Lie Number One: Regret...Sorrow over the Past
It's the middle of the night and I'm awake again, wrestling with regrets. Sometimes they are big regrets...moments in time that I can never get back...times when I wasn't the mother I should've been, or the wife, or the friend, or the Christian, or the daughter. These are the times when my stomach churns, my throat gets dry and swollen. I toss and turn, recoiling from the images in my mind. How could I have let that person down? How could I drop the ball? How could I say such a thing? Why didn't I say anything?
Sometimes the regrets are small, but they keep me awake anyway. Maybe I'm mulling over and over some insignificant words I spoke, hoping they were the right ones...hoping I haven't offended or given a wrong impression. Never mind that it's almost always a guarantee that others are not losing sleep over anything we may say. In the middle of the night, details like that don't seem to matter. In the dark, the regrets sometimes seem larger and louder than anything else.
Peace is threatened as the agonizing "If onlys..." and "Could've beens" start rushing in. My mind is racing and I toss and turn. It's really impossible to fight regret in our own strength. Trying can lead to hopelessness...one of regret's best friends.
Lie Number Two: Worry...Fretting about Tomorrow
If regret does not have victory and steal my peace and joy, worry often gives a valiant effort. Maybe it's the stack of bills on the counter. How will they get paid? Maybe it's the future of our children. Will they be safe? Will they seek God's will for their lives? Maybe it's a concern over a new work responsibility coming up, or a public speaking engagement. Will I say the right things? Can I fulfill all of my responsibilities? Will I make the right choices? What does the future hold? My questions are met with silence, and more tossing and turning in the dark.
Lie Number Three: I will have Peace and Satisfaction, someday, if only....
Now this lie is a tricky one. There's nothing wrong with a little dreaming and planning for the future. We have desires in our hearts, and we should wisely plan for the future. The problem comes when we cross over from dreaming and planning to thinking that our peace and joy depends on our dreams and our plans. This lie says we will have peace and satisfaction someday when whatever obstacle or problem before us is solved. Rather than focusing on what we're given today, we say..."It will be better when...I lose this weight...or I have more money... or I've received this degree...earned a promotion...buy a new house...my loved one comes to know the Lord, etc.
Part Two: The Truth
The Truth about Lie Number One: Regret
The truth is, as a human being on planet earth, there is little I can do about being tempted to drown in the sea of my own regret in the middle of the night. Those thoughts still come sometimes, and they're often a result of my sins, failures, and weaknesses. But, as a Christian covered in the armor of God, I have weapons that do not render me helpless when regret comes calling in the dark.
The truth is, I am a sinner...but my sins have been forgiven, and they are covered by the blood of Jesus.I am weak, but God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinth 12:9 ) When the fiery darts come flying my way, I am covered in spiritual armor, and I have a sword worthy for the battle...a sword with a promise of a victory that's already been won...the Word of God. So, practically speaking, what do we do when we awaken covered with the dark blanket of regret? We take those regrets to our Father in prayer, and we resist the lies that we are defeated, hopeless, and unworthy with the truth of Scripture. Regret may do it's best to draw us in, but it is no place for us to live and dwell. Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus had also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 3:12-14
The Truth about Lie Number Two: Worry
Psalm 37:3-8Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret - it only causes harm.
Matthew 6:31-34"Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
There isn't anything I can add to that!
The Truth about Lie Number Three: I Will Have Peace Someday...
The scriptures in Psalm 37 and Matthew 6 apply to this lie too. God has given us all we need for today. Our joy comes from abiding in Him...today. Our peace comes from focusing on the blessings of all that He's given us today. If we are focused on what we've lost in the past, or worried about what tomorrow may bring...we miss what God has for us today, and we cause ourselves unnecessary harm. At the same time, if we're looking at today's circumstances and saying..."life will be better someday when...", we are squandering the gifts of today. Life is better right now, because Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost. He redeemed us and set us free. In Him, there is forgiveness for our regrets. In Him, there is peace for our worries and rest for our weary souls. In Him, there is sufficient grace for today and hope for tomorrow.
Monday, August 11, 2008
My Mom...
I just wanted to share a little piece of my mom's story with you. She was amazing...and I'm sure she's even more amazing as she perfects her dance in Heaven...basking in the light of our Savior and the deep belly giggles of her grandbabies...I'm thinking of her...Well, I'm always thinking of her and missing her... Below are some of the stories about mom that were published in The Women's Edge Newsletter...so you can know just a little piece of the amazing woman that I will miss for the rest of my earthly days...my mom...a picture of beautiful, sufficient grace...
The Choices we Make
by Kelly Gerken
Originally printed in The Women's Edge Winter 2005 Newsletter...Copyright 2005
My Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer about two months ago. She has been struggling with several other health conditions for the past ten years prior to the cancer diagnosis, which have changed her physically from an energetic, strong woman to one who seems fragile and physically weak. I have felt anger at her illnesses, anger at her, myself, frustration, sorrow at the injustice... at what we have been robbed of, and I have inspiration and gratefulness. I am inspired by her courage, her love for her family, her resolve, and her deepened faith in God. I am grateful for the healing that suffering brings to our hearts, for the comfort of our loving Savior, for the time that we so often take for granted, but are learning to treasure instead of squander. I'm grateful for the laughter and the tears, for the lessons we couldn't learn any other way, and for the mother she has been and will always be.
This Christmas, I helped put up her Christmas tree, because she was too sick to do it. She has always been so crafty and creative, and every year, she would add some homemade ornaments to the tree. I am the oldest daughter. so I have been around for every year of the tradition. It was so special to take out each box and smile and laugh as we remembered together when she made each one. There were also the creations from my brothers and I when we were in preschool and grade school. The tree told a story of our family, and our life. It made me think how our lives tell our story.
When someone is dying, their perspective, and the perspective of those around them changes. Hopefully, we have an assurance that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and He has prepared a place for us in Heaven. Then, we realize that we have nothing to fear. For we are going home. The sorrow, then is for those who are left behind to miss us. That is the case for my mother. Another thing that happens, is the way you treasure every moment, and the way you treasure the person you are about to lose. Often, you realize how your family and friends truly feel about you.
I'm sure we never fully realize how many people's lives we impact with the choices we make in our own lives. How do we spend our time? What really matters to us? What kind of friend, wife, mother, sister...are we? When someone is in need, do we take the time to help, pray, show love and kindness? Or, are we too busy? Do we have more important things to do?
Mother has spend a great deal of time lately with her friend, Ann. Ann manages our local drugstore, and over the years has become friends with my mother. When Ann found out that Mom had cancer, she went to her, visited her, gave her meals, assistance and friendship.
But, perhaps the biggest gift of all that Ann gave to my mother, was to tell her how her life had inspired Ann...to remind my mom that the choices we make do really matter. The way we live our life... the way we love others is a reflection of who we are, and of what really matters. And hopefully, it is a reflection of Jesus.
The truth is that we can't take anything with us to heaven...not our things which we may treasure, not money, success, status or popularity, not even identity. The only thing we can take to heaven with us is other people. The people who come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior from watching our lives. That doesn't mean we have to always be perfect. My mother isn't and neither am I . That does mean that we let our light shine so that others will see and God will be glorified. It is only the Holy Spirit which can change hearts, but God uses His children as His tangible example. We are covered in His grace.
Everyday we have a choice about how we will live. Do we live in a way that offers comfort and hope to others? My mother and I have a favorite song "I Hope You Dance" which talks about these choices. One part says, "Whenever you have the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance." My mother can't physically dance much these days, but she dances in her heart. And some sweet day she will dance in heaven.
He Will Carry You...
By Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Fall/Winter 2006
Even to your old age, I am He. And even to gray hairs I will carry you!I have made, and I will bear;Even I will carry and deliver you.~ Isaiah 46:4
I fully intended to prepare the fall newsletter and send it out by the first of October. In August I was beginning to prepare it. But, as often happens, God had other plans. Beginning in September, my mother's fourteen month long battle with terminal cancer grew quite intense. She was hospitalized twice during the month of September. She spent her 50th birthday at the hospital on September 3, 2006. We celebrated with my famous peanut butter pie! On September 25th, she was admitted to the Hospice Center of Northwest Ohio located in Perrysburg, which became my home for much of the next four weeks.
Her struggle was great. Doctors and nurses gave her a couple days to live when she was first admitted. However, a month after that prediction, the terrible suffering continued on. She did it with the grace and dignity with which she lived...as a true lady. When she was able to speak, she expressed only concern for those around her, despite her own horrible condition. She knew she was dying, and she had complete peace that she would be in Heaven when her earthly body quit...and yet, like the fighter she was, she continued to wake up each morning despite the fact that she hadn't eaten more than a handful of food over the course of six weeks. She had little to drink most days, except the drops of water we could place on her tongue, or the occasional drinks from a straw when she mustered enough strength to swallow. ( Except, of course, for the legendary night that she awakened after several days of unconsciousness and slipping further away from us to ask for Red Lobster. We granted her request to "Go for the gusto" as she put it and order her shrimp feast!) She continued to display her wit, humor, and spunk. She was determined and unique...surprising everyone with her will to survive until the very last breath...doing it her way. Every nurse fell in love with her, just like almost anyone who ever knew her.
We had made a promise to her long ago, that we would never leave her in a nursing home. Although the spectacular Hospice facility was nothing like a nursing home, we agreed as a family that we couldn't leave her there alone. So, we stayed with her. Family members took turns staying the night. And other family and close friends visited her during the day. She was surrounded by people who loved her. When one of us had to leave for a while...someone else was always there. And I am so grateful for that time.
The moments we shared were not only among the most difficult, but also the most precious of my life. She was an amazing woman, and I spent most of her life missing that...taking her for granted. But, the last year has been such a gift that taught me about true healing, forgiveness, grace and love. Not everyone gets the time to make things right. She realized that God had given her the time not only to say everything she wanted, but also to see what she meant to other people...to realize how much her life mattered to those around her. She saw her situation as a blessing. It would have been understandable if she were bitter about the news that her body was filled with cancer, and that cancer would do it's best to steal her health, her body, and her very life. Not mom. She found the blessing, and in doing so she was the finest example to her family...a true mother until the end, teaching, inspiring, encouraging, giving wisdom, and loving fiercely. She is the most inspiring person I know.
During some of the darker moments she faced last month, I was able to read the bible to her, pray with her, sing to her, hold her in my arms, and hold her hand. One of the best scriptures God kept bringing me back to was John 14:1-6, in which Jesus says He goes to prepare a place for us. When Thomas asks Jesus where He is going and how to get there, Jesus replies in verse 6 " I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." Even as she lay seemingly helpless, literally on her death bed, she was pointing us toward Jesus...without a word. His presence was evident, as He carried her and He carried us through the darkness.
One day I said, "It will be O.K. mom...Jesus will carry you to Heaven."
She said, "How do you know He will carry me?"
I said, "Because He promises never to leave us or forsake us, and Jesus always keeps His promises."
She said, " How do you know He keeps His promises?"
I replied, "Because He was there when my baby died. I couldn't see Him, but I could feel Him take baby Thomas and carry him home, and then I could feel Him carry me through my grief when I couldn't carry myself. That's how I know He will carry you."
She looked into my eyes, and holding my hand, repeated over and over again..."He will carry me, He will carry me, He will carry me..."
I nodded, "Yes, Mom, He will carry you."
Later that evening, she fell asleep, and four days later, Jesus carried her home, just like He promised He would. And, now, while I can't carry myself, He is carrying me and the rest of us who face the challenge of waking up each day on this earth without her.
To me this world is a better place because she walks on it,
And if someday I wake to find she walks instead by Jesus' side,
The void will be great and the world won't be the same,
But walk on I will because of His holy name.
And with me, part of her will always be,
Because she is my Mother.
~Taken from My Mother, a poem written April 8, 2004 by Kelly Gerken in honor of her mother: Kathy Louise Rutter
In Loving Memory of:
Kathy Louise (Bodenbender) Rutter
September 3, 1956~ October 20, 2006
I Hope You Dance
by Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Summer 2007
As I was going through her treasures...the sentimental little pieces of us we mothers cherish and leave behind for our daughters...her tea sets, her little doilies, the recipes on scraps of paper with her handwriting on them...I came across a little gift book I had given her based on the famous song, I Hope You Dance. The inscription read, To: Mom, From: Kelly...Because you inspire me to always dance, and I hope you remember to always do the same. I bit back the tears as the familiar ache of emptiness washed over me. In spite of the pain of missing her, I smiled at the memory and the thought of her dancing in heaven, without any pain, twirling her grandbabies and delighting in the music of their deep belly giggles.
I flipped through the pages of the book, reading the lyrics and allowing the message to renew my hope. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance; And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I hope you dance. I remembered the first time I heard this powerful song, at the same time the Lord was working in me to remove my fears and hesitations...to teach me to embrace the life He's given me and to walk confidently with Him. God taught me to see the beauty in the new creation that He was making in me, and when life presented opportunity to boldly embrace it rather than sitting it out. Whenever possible, God spoke to my heart, "I want you to dance".
I began to approach life this way and fears and insecurities were replaced with confidence, victory, joy and adventure. As my mother's earthly life was fleeting and her health deteriorated due to cancer and other debilitating illnesses, God showed her the beauty in the new creation He was making in her. While she was learning to dance, He took her home to Heaven, where I know they are perfecting her dance in the place Jesus prepared especially for her. And while I am here, God continues to teach me to dance as well.
Recently I stood at the Relay for Life, where a special six-year-old friend of mine was being honored for his victory over cancer. The event was emotional and bittersweet as I looked at the multitude of survivors along the walk on a path surrounded with luminarias displaying the countless names of those whose lives were taken by cancer.
Part of me wanted desperately to sit this one out. I struggled to shake the ache of loss and grief threatening to cloud my friend's sunny victorious day. While battling to keep my emotions in check, the boy we were there to honor walked boldly to the stage with his smile lighting the darkness in my heart and illuminating the entire place. I smiled through my tears as he played gleefully with his friends, who were bouncing around his wheelchair and making him squeal with joy.
Suddenly he looked around the children and said, " Hey Mrs. Gerken...How 'bout we dance?"
Little did this precious soul know the comfort his invitation had given me. Surrounded by those who had fought cancer's battle and won, some bruised and battered and scarred and surrounded with the memory of those who lost the great battle and those who were left behind bruised and broken and scarred without the ones they love, I took his hand...and we danced.
It was as if God was speaking through this little boy to say, " I see you there, Kelly. And you are not alone. I see you standing there in the middle of all that cancer feeling death's sting. And I want you to dance. After all, how can one dwell on the pain of death's sting when surrounded by so much life?" We threw our heads back laughing and dancing remembering the promise that no matter how dark and painful this life gets there's always the opportunity to dance if we choose to take it.
So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory.""O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?"~I Corinthians 15:54-55
The Choices we Make
by Kelly Gerken
Originally printed in The Women's Edge Winter 2005 Newsletter...Copyright 2005
My Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer about two months ago. She has been struggling with several other health conditions for the past ten years prior to the cancer diagnosis, which have changed her physically from an energetic, strong woman to one who seems fragile and physically weak. I have felt anger at her illnesses, anger at her, myself, frustration, sorrow at the injustice... at what we have been robbed of, and I have inspiration and gratefulness. I am inspired by her courage, her love for her family, her resolve, and her deepened faith in God. I am grateful for the healing that suffering brings to our hearts, for the comfort of our loving Savior, for the time that we so often take for granted, but are learning to treasure instead of squander. I'm grateful for the laughter and the tears, for the lessons we couldn't learn any other way, and for the mother she has been and will always be.
This Christmas, I helped put up her Christmas tree, because she was too sick to do it. She has always been so crafty and creative, and every year, she would add some homemade ornaments to the tree. I am the oldest daughter. so I have been around for every year of the tradition. It was so special to take out each box and smile and laugh as we remembered together when she made each one. There were also the creations from my brothers and I when we were in preschool and grade school. The tree told a story of our family, and our life. It made me think how our lives tell our story.
When someone is dying, their perspective, and the perspective of those around them changes. Hopefully, we have an assurance that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and He has prepared a place for us in Heaven. Then, we realize that we have nothing to fear. For we are going home. The sorrow, then is for those who are left behind to miss us. That is the case for my mother. Another thing that happens, is the way you treasure every moment, and the way you treasure the person you are about to lose. Often, you realize how your family and friends truly feel about you.
I'm sure we never fully realize how many people's lives we impact with the choices we make in our own lives. How do we spend our time? What really matters to us? What kind of friend, wife, mother, sister...are we? When someone is in need, do we take the time to help, pray, show love and kindness? Or, are we too busy? Do we have more important things to do?
Mother has spend a great deal of time lately with her friend, Ann. Ann manages our local drugstore, and over the years has become friends with my mother. When Ann found out that Mom had cancer, she went to her, visited her, gave her meals, assistance and friendship.
But, perhaps the biggest gift of all that Ann gave to my mother, was to tell her how her life had inspired Ann...to remind my mom that the choices we make do really matter. The way we live our life... the way we love others is a reflection of who we are, and of what really matters. And hopefully, it is a reflection of Jesus.
The truth is that we can't take anything with us to heaven...not our things which we may treasure, not money, success, status or popularity, not even identity. The only thing we can take to heaven with us is other people. The people who come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior from watching our lives. That doesn't mean we have to always be perfect. My mother isn't and neither am I . That does mean that we let our light shine so that others will see and God will be glorified. It is only the Holy Spirit which can change hearts, but God uses His children as His tangible example. We are covered in His grace.
Everyday we have a choice about how we will live. Do we live in a way that offers comfort and hope to others? My mother and I have a favorite song "I Hope You Dance" which talks about these choices. One part says, "Whenever you have the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance." My mother can't physically dance much these days, but she dances in her heart. And some sweet day she will dance in heaven.
He Will Carry You...
By Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Fall/Winter 2006
Even to your old age, I am He. And even to gray hairs I will carry you!I have made, and I will bear;Even I will carry and deliver you.~ Isaiah 46:4
I fully intended to prepare the fall newsletter and send it out by the first of October. In August I was beginning to prepare it. But, as often happens, God had other plans. Beginning in September, my mother's fourteen month long battle with terminal cancer grew quite intense. She was hospitalized twice during the month of September. She spent her 50th birthday at the hospital on September 3, 2006. We celebrated with my famous peanut butter pie! On September 25th, she was admitted to the Hospice Center of Northwest Ohio located in Perrysburg, which became my home for much of the next four weeks.
Her struggle was great. Doctors and nurses gave her a couple days to live when she was first admitted. However, a month after that prediction, the terrible suffering continued on. She did it with the grace and dignity with which she lived...as a true lady. When she was able to speak, she expressed only concern for those around her, despite her own horrible condition. She knew she was dying, and she had complete peace that she would be in Heaven when her earthly body quit...and yet, like the fighter she was, she continued to wake up each morning despite the fact that she hadn't eaten more than a handful of food over the course of six weeks. She had little to drink most days, except the drops of water we could place on her tongue, or the occasional drinks from a straw when she mustered enough strength to swallow. ( Except, of course, for the legendary night that she awakened after several days of unconsciousness and slipping further away from us to ask for Red Lobster. We granted her request to "Go for the gusto" as she put it and order her shrimp feast!) She continued to display her wit, humor, and spunk. She was determined and unique...surprising everyone with her will to survive until the very last breath...doing it her way. Every nurse fell in love with her, just like almost anyone who ever knew her.
We had made a promise to her long ago, that we would never leave her in a nursing home. Although the spectacular Hospice facility was nothing like a nursing home, we agreed as a family that we couldn't leave her there alone. So, we stayed with her. Family members took turns staying the night. And other family and close friends visited her during the day. She was surrounded by people who loved her. When one of us had to leave for a while...someone else was always there. And I am so grateful for that time.
The moments we shared were not only among the most difficult, but also the most precious of my life. She was an amazing woman, and I spent most of her life missing that...taking her for granted. But, the last year has been such a gift that taught me about true healing, forgiveness, grace and love. Not everyone gets the time to make things right. She realized that God had given her the time not only to say everything she wanted, but also to see what she meant to other people...to realize how much her life mattered to those around her. She saw her situation as a blessing. It would have been understandable if she were bitter about the news that her body was filled with cancer, and that cancer would do it's best to steal her health, her body, and her very life. Not mom. She found the blessing, and in doing so she was the finest example to her family...a true mother until the end, teaching, inspiring, encouraging, giving wisdom, and loving fiercely. She is the most inspiring person I know.
During some of the darker moments she faced last month, I was able to read the bible to her, pray with her, sing to her, hold her in my arms, and hold her hand. One of the best scriptures God kept bringing me back to was John 14:1-6, in which Jesus says He goes to prepare a place for us. When Thomas asks Jesus where He is going and how to get there, Jesus replies in verse 6 " I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." Even as she lay seemingly helpless, literally on her death bed, she was pointing us toward Jesus...without a word. His presence was evident, as He carried her and He carried us through the darkness.
One day I said, "It will be O.K. mom...Jesus will carry you to Heaven."
She said, "How do you know He will carry me?"
I said, "Because He promises never to leave us or forsake us, and Jesus always keeps His promises."
She said, " How do you know He keeps His promises?"
I replied, "Because He was there when my baby died. I couldn't see Him, but I could feel Him take baby Thomas and carry him home, and then I could feel Him carry me through my grief when I couldn't carry myself. That's how I know He will carry you."
She looked into my eyes, and holding my hand, repeated over and over again..."He will carry me, He will carry me, He will carry me..."
I nodded, "Yes, Mom, He will carry you."
Later that evening, she fell asleep, and four days later, Jesus carried her home, just like He promised He would. And, now, while I can't carry myself, He is carrying me and the rest of us who face the challenge of waking up each day on this earth without her.
To me this world is a better place because she walks on it,
And if someday I wake to find she walks instead by Jesus' side,
The void will be great and the world won't be the same,
But walk on I will because of His holy name.
And with me, part of her will always be,
Because she is my Mother.
~Taken from My Mother, a poem written April 8, 2004 by Kelly Gerken in honor of her mother: Kathy Louise Rutter
In Loving Memory of:
Kathy Louise (Bodenbender) Rutter
September 3, 1956~ October 20, 2006
I Hope You Dance
by Kelly Gerken
Originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter Summer 2007
As I was going through her treasures...the sentimental little pieces of us we mothers cherish and leave behind for our daughters...her tea sets, her little doilies, the recipes on scraps of paper with her handwriting on them...I came across a little gift book I had given her based on the famous song, I Hope You Dance. The inscription read, To: Mom, From: Kelly...Because you inspire me to always dance, and I hope you remember to always do the same. I bit back the tears as the familiar ache of emptiness washed over me. In spite of the pain of missing her, I smiled at the memory and the thought of her dancing in heaven, without any pain, twirling her grandbabies and delighting in the music of their deep belly giggles.
I flipped through the pages of the book, reading the lyrics and allowing the message to renew my hope. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance; And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I hope you dance. I remembered the first time I heard this powerful song, at the same time the Lord was working in me to remove my fears and hesitations...to teach me to embrace the life He's given me and to walk confidently with Him. God taught me to see the beauty in the new creation that He was making in me, and when life presented opportunity to boldly embrace it rather than sitting it out. Whenever possible, God spoke to my heart, "I want you to dance".
I began to approach life this way and fears and insecurities were replaced with confidence, victory, joy and adventure. As my mother's earthly life was fleeting and her health deteriorated due to cancer and other debilitating illnesses, God showed her the beauty in the new creation He was making in her. While she was learning to dance, He took her home to Heaven, where I know they are perfecting her dance in the place Jesus prepared especially for her. And while I am here, God continues to teach me to dance as well.
Recently I stood at the Relay for Life, where a special six-year-old friend of mine was being honored for his victory over cancer. The event was emotional and bittersweet as I looked at the multitude of survivors along the walk on a path surrounded with luminarias displaying the countless names of those whose lives were taken by cancer.
Part of me wanted desperately to sit this one out. I struggled to shake the ache of loss and grief threatening to cloud my friend's sunny victorious day. While battling to keep my emotions in check, the boy we were there to honor walked boldly to the stage with his smile lighting the darkness in my heart and illuminating the entire place. I smiled through my tears as he played gleefully with his friends, who were bouncing around his wheelchair and making him squeal with joy.
Suddenly he looked around the children and said, " Hey Mrs. Gerken...How 'bout we dance?"
Little did this precious soul know the comfort his invitation had given me. Surrounded by those who had fought cancer's battle and won, some bruised and battered and scarred and surrounded with the memory of those who lost the great battle and those who were left behind bruised and broken and scarred without the ones they love, I took his hand...and we danced.
It was as if God was speaking through this little boy to say, " I see you there, Kelly. And you are not alone. I see you standing there in the middle of all that cancer feeling death's sting. And I want you to dance. After all, how can one dwell on the pain of death's sting when surrounded by so much life?" We threw our heads back laughing and dancing remembering the promise that no matter how dark and painful this life gets there's always the opportunity to dance if we choose to take it.
So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory.""O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?"~I Corinthians 15:54-55
Monday, August 4, 2008
Why I Love Golf....
The love affair began with the first ping....the beautiful sound of the club connecting with the sweet spot of the round dimpled ball. And it happened...the glorious white sphere flew up into the air and soared against the blue sky just like it was meant to do. Never mind that it took so many agonizing chunks and duffs and whiffs that resulted in the ball rolling a few feet in front of me before it happened. Never mind that I had only made the beautiful connection once out of fifty swings. Never mind that sweat was dripping down the side of my face and my arms were aching. It was too late...I was forever bound with this exhilarating, exasperating, humbling, enticing, equalizing game they call golf. That night, I stayed at the ladies' golf clinic (the one Tim had encouraged me to attend) long after everyone else left...long after blisters formed on my hands and they started bleeding. I asked for a band-aid and kept swinging.
I know what you girly-girls are thinking...ewww sweat....ewww blood! Let me tell you something...I am the queen of girly-girls. I was the girl in gym class that made the athletic boys groan with impatience when it was my turn at bat in wiffle ball. I am not one who regularly works out. I am not very coordinated and no one would ever mistake me for being athletic. The thing is, most of my life, I have avoided making attempts at sports or anything that I knew I wouldn't be particularly good at. And here's the reason...I can't stand to not master something. It's fine for me to say I wouldn't be very good at something I've never tried before...but it's another thing altogether for me to try and fail. It drives me crazy to not "be good" at something once I've tried it. I'm not competitive with others so much as myself...I want to do my best.
I know...prideful and petty though it may seem...God is using this pathetic trait of mine for good in my life. And learning to step out and try things that are not in my comfort zone is part of His plan for me. After all, our determination and perseverance comes from having high standards of excellence. And, while the Lord is often allowing me to be humbled and reminded of my imperfections and incompetencies despite my strong bent toward perfectionism...I press on.
Like so many who have fallen into the captivating clutches of the seductive game of golf, I decided to work at this game so that I could get better (or at least not completely embarrass my family on the course). And in the process, I have become utterly and completely smitten with golf.
Our entire family golfs. Tim...who incidentally is good at everything he does... a natural athlete with high standards of his own. The difference is that he is almost always able to achieve the standards with his grace and quiet, strong confidence. Timothy...who shares many of his father's athletic traits (except that he golfs and plays baseball left-handed)...he eats, sleeps and breathes golf...his attention to detail and mental focus ...his swing is beautiful, smooth and graceful and he has learned so many lessons that are applicable to life as he grows on his journey toward manhood. James...who at age seven hits the ball about the same distance as his mama...he has a natural swing, and a sweet serious, focused look in his eyes as he approaches the ball. He has learned so much on the course about patience, selflessness, waiting your turn, respecting others, self-control and being quiet (which doesn't happen anywhere else in his life...the quiet part, I mean!)
And me...sometimes I can really hit it, and most times I really CAN'T! When I can't, I'll be in the back yard until after dark trying to do it right. Does that mean I do it well? No...but I won't give up. The other important note: all of my clubs, bag, hat and accessories are pink, cute and girly...even my golf balls. Girl-style is encouraged in golf. The best part of my golf swing is my follow-through. Whatever happens in the beginning and the middle, it all seems to fall together in the end. I guess that's kind of indicative of our walk with the Lord...lots of stuff happens in between the beginning of our lives and the end. He uses all of it...the good, the bad, and the ugly...he shapes and molds, comforts and heals, forgives and cleanses, grows and strengthens us...gently making us into a new creation in Him. And because of Jesus, when the Father sees us ...we look just like we were created to be...and everything just falls into place. We are beauty from ashes to Him...we were the joy set before Jesus...His reason for enduring the cross, despite the shame. And because of Him...for those of us who have placed our trust in Jesus, our follow through...our ending is perfect and secure.
More reasons why I love golf...
1. The golf course is like land-scaping art work. It's a display of God's creation that truly, majestically honors the Creator. The different shades of green contrasting against the blue skies. The trees gently blowing in the breeze. The fluffy clouds...the rolling hills. It's breath-taking. It fills me with peace.
2.Because it's something my family loves. We can enjoy being together...learning patience, humility, integrity, and grace at the hands of this marvelous sport.
3. Golf is revealing. If you golf with someone, you can peek into the windows of that person's heart and soul. What kind of personality do they have? Do they have a temper? Are they honest? How honest? Are they thoughtful? Detail oriented? Focused or easily distracted?
4. Golf is humbling...even those who are very good at it can have a bad shot, a bad round. Behind every joyous, victorious success there are several moments of discouragement and defeat.
5. Golf is a test of will, mental strength, and perseverance. How much are you willing to endure? Can you shake off the bad shots? Can you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again?
6. Just when you are about to give up...just when you think your love for this game could turn to hate...it happens...that perfect ping and soaring ball. And your hope and determination are renewed. And you vow to press on in your quest, not to master but to relish the game.
I know what you girly-girls are thinking...ewww sweat....ewww blood! Let me tell you something...I am the queen of girly-girls. I was the girl in gym class that made the athletic boys groan with impatience when it was my turn at bat in wiffle ball. I am not one who regularly works out. I am not very coordinated and no one would ever mistake me for being athletic. The thing is, most of my life, I have avoided making attempts at sports or anything that I knew I wouldn't be particularly good at. And here's the reason...I can't stand to not master something. It's fine for me to say I wouldn't be very good at something I've never tried before...but it's another thing altogether for me to try and fail. It drives me crazy to not "be good" at something once I've tried it. I'm not competitive with others so much as myself...I want to do my best.
I know...prideful and petty though it may seem...God is using this pathetic trait of mine for good in my life. And learning to step out and try things that are not in my comfort zone is part of His plan for me. After all, our determination and perseverance comes from having high standards of excellence. And, while the Lord is often allowing me to be humbled and reminded of my imperfections and incompetencies despite my strong bent toward perfectionism...I press on.
Like so many who have fallen into the captivating clutches of the seductive game of golf, I decided to work at this game so that I could get better (or at least not completely embarrass my family on the course). And in the process, I have become utterly and completely smitten with golf.
Our entire family golfs. Tim...who incidentally is good at everything he does... a natural athlete with high standards of his own. The difference is that he is almost always able to achieve the standards with his grace and quiet, strong confidence. Timothy...who shares many of his father's athletic traits (except that he golfs and plays baseball left-handed)...he eats, sleeps and breathes golf...his attention to detail and mental focus ...his swing is beautiful, smooth and graceful and he has learned so many lessons that are applicable to life as he grows on his journey toward manhood. James...who at age seven hits the ball about the same distance as his mama...he has a natural swing, and a sweet serious, focused look in his eyes as he approaches the ball. He has learned so much on the course about patience, selflessness, waiting your turn, respecting others, self-control and being quiet (which doesn't happen anywhere else in his life...the quiet part, I mean!)
And me...sometimes I can really hit it, and most times I really CAN'T! When I can't, I'll be in the back yard until after dark trying to do it right. Does that mean I do it well? No...but I won't give up. The other important note: all of my clubs, bag, hat and accessories are pink, cute and girly...even my golf balls. Girl-style is encouraged in golf. The best part of my golf swing is my follow-through. Whatever happens in the beginning and the middle, it all seems to fall together in the end. I guess that's kind of indicative of our walk with the Lord...lots of stuff happens in between the beginning of our lives and the end. He uses all of it...the good, the bad, and the ugly...he shapes and molds, comforts and heals, forgives and cleanses, grows and strengthens us...gently making us into a new creation in Him. And because of Jesus, when the Father sees us ...we look just like we were created to be...and everything just falls into place. We are beauty from ashes to Him...we were the joy set before Jesus...His reason for enduring the cross, despite the shame. And because of Him...for those of us who have placed our trust in Jesus, our follow through...our ending is perfect and secure.
More reasons why I love golf...
1. The golf course is like land-scaping art work. It's a display of God's creation that truly, majestically honors the Creator. The different shades of green contrasting against the blue skies. The trees gently blowing in the breeze. The fluffy clouds...the rolling hills. It's breath-taking. It fills me with peace.
2.Because it's something my family loves. We can enjoy being together...learning patience, humility, integrity, and grace at the hands of this marvelous sport.
3. Golf is revealing. If you golf with someone, you can peek into the windows of that person's heart and soul. What kind of personality do they have? Do they have a temper? Are they honest? How honest? Are they thoughtful? Detail oriented? Focused or easily distracted?
4. Golf is humbling...even those who are very good at it can have a bad shot, a bad round. Behind every joyous, victorious success there are several moments of discouragement and defeat.
5. Golf is a test of will, mental strength, and perseverance. How much are you willing to endure? Can you shake off the bad shots? Can you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again?
6. Just when you are about to give up...just when you think your love for this game could turn to hate...it happens...that perfect ping and soaring ball. And your hope and determination are renewed. And you vow to press on in your quest, not to master but to relish the game.
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