Sufficient Grace Ministries Featured in the Findlay Courier

Sufficient Grace Ministries was featured in the Findlay Courier by Sara Arthurs. We are grateful for the opportunity to share our ministry with others, and grateful for the Courier's willingness to write about this important outreach. Our hope and prayer is that more mothers and families will find comfort and hope in the Lord.

You can click on the link below to read the article...

There are just a couple parts I would like the opportunity to expound on. When sharing about the choice that parents who receive a fatal diagnosis are faced with, there were some points that I want to cover more in depth. This is a delicate matter. Sufficient Grace Ministries receives mothers and families who have chosen to continue a pregnancy with a fatal diagnosis, and those who chose to induce labor early or terminate. In both circumstances, the parents are grieving the loss of a very much wanted and loved baby. We believe our place is to minister to their needs, offering comfort and hope through scripture and the sharing of our materials and our own experiences. When I was sharing about our family's choice when our son Thomas was diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome...I wanted to convey that we agonized over what would be best for Thomas and our family and what was right in the eyes of God. Through much prayer and seeking scripture and the counsel of those we trusted, we chose to continue our pregnancy...trusting God to carry us through...and He did carry us with His amazing, sufficient grace. We cherished the time we had with our Thomas, and we never for one moment regretted our decision.

God's grace, love and compassion is not just for my family...but it is for all families who grieve the loss of their babies...regardless of the circumstances. Our hearts break for all families who are faced with these impossible choices for their much loved babies. And we pray that each one will receive wisdom and peace for the decisions that parents are now in the position to make due to recent medical advances. Often families are pressured to induce labor early by some in the medical profession and many families are not aware of the support that can be offered for those who may choose to continue their pregnancy. Some wonderful resources which support those who wish to continue a pregnancy despite a fatal diagnosis are found on http://www.benotafraid.net/ and http://www.perinatalhospice.org/ .

Please click on the link below to read the article:

http://www.thecourier.com/family/2008/Jul/30/ar_fam_073008_story1.asp?d=073008_story1,2008,Jul,30&c=fam
Thank you for your continued support and please feel free to contact us if you have any questions about our ministry and/or this article.

In His Grace,
KellyGerken
http://www.sufficientgrace.net/
sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com
http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com

Roots

Roots

I was pulling the weeds in my flower garden a few days ago...a good cure, by the way for a heavy heart and a weary soul.I was having a little conversation with God about a grieving mom who recently lost her baby...feeling a little weary with loss and death... when I came to the mother of all weeds. It momentarily took my attention from our conversation as I braced myself with both feet and gripped the weed with both hands, grunting and pulling with all my might. The weed and most of the root finally broke free and I fell back onto my backside, into the dirt."Darn, I thought...I didn't get all of the root, "then shrugging, I continued the weed-pulling task, thinking..."Some roots are bigger than others."

I pondered that statement awhile...How true it is...some roots are bigger than others...and deeper and more entangled. There are good roots and bad roots. Roots that hang on tightly and roots that are easily pulled up. There are family roots, roots of faith, roots of bitterness, roots planted in good soil, and roots that entangle with other roots until it's impossible to distinguish which root is good and which is bad. There are roots that bring pain...which can lead to beauty (i.e - rose bushes).

After the weeds were pulled and the bushes trimmed, I decide to look in the Bible to see what God had to say about roots. Jesus loved parables and word pictures, especially those about soil, roots, and seeds...so I knew He would have something to say about roots.

Family Roots

Isaiah 11:10 - mentions the Root of Jesse
Revelation 22:16- "I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things in the churches. I am the Root and Offspring of David, the Bright Morning Star."

Family roots run deep. No one can argue that. Whether you're close to your family or not...whether for good or for harm, your family has had an influence your life. They are part of the person you are today. Our family roots are intertwined with the rest of the roots that make us who we are.

We've all heard the saying, "I'm getting back to my roots...", which can mean any number of things to any given individual. I recently experienced a "getting back to my roots" moment when I took my boys to Cedar Point (one of the best amusement parks in the nation, located in Sandusky, Ohio). When I was growing up, mom would take us to Cedar Point in the summer. Always a kid at heart, she loved it there. And she always said..."it never rains at Cedar Point...just look for the cherry pie in the sky (mom's name for the sky ride)!"

I never liked the big roller coasters, so mom was always trying to bribe me to go on them. One summer when I was in high school, we went to Cedar Point and I happened to be grounded (which was pretty much my state of being throughout most of high school!). Mom said that if I went on the Gemini she would release me from my grounding. And to sweeten the deal, she would pay me $20. She had me at the ungrounding.... So I stood in line to face my doom. I screamed bloody murder all the way through it. And I never went on the Gemini again. To this day, I don't understand the fascination with an experience which includes leaving your stomach one hundred feet above your body while you plummet down a hill...to what feels like certain death... at break neck speed.

When my family visited Cedar Point this summer, there were memories everywhere of my mom (she passed away in October 2006). It was a fun-filled day. Timothy took off with his teenage friend. And my friend Tracy and I hung out in Snoopy-land with her son and my James. (Tim was working.) Well in camp Snoopy, there is a roller coaster called the Woodstock Express. It goes up about 38 ft. and drops at about 25 mph...just my speed! I was looking forward to taking James on the ride (a grown up can't ride unless a kid is with him/her). James, however, had other plans. It seems he's inherited his mother's aversion to the stomach-separated-from-body phenomenon. In the true spirit of my own mother, I did what had to be done...I bribed him with a stuffed Snoopy doll. He held on tight and screamed throughout the two minute journey, and we have a lovely picture commemorating the memory....his face of terror and my head thrown back laughing as my arm drapes around him, holding him secure. Good times! It was worth the Snoopy doll...As my mom always said...in good times and bad, "We're creating a memory..." She gave us deep family roots...roots that keep on growing.


Roots That Cause Harm
Jeremiah 1:10 explains what to do with a harmful root: See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, To root out and to pull down, To destroy and to throw down, To build up and to plant.

Weeds and harmful roots represent the bad stuff, like sin, pain, and regret. Those kinds of "weeds" need to be pulled up completely without any hint of a root left, or else they will return to do more harm to the healthy plants around them. After the weeds are destroyed, it's time to build and plant. Ecclesiastes 3 also talks about "a time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted." We, just like plants, must sometimes endure a spiritual weed-pulling and pruning...and following that comes a time to flourish, grow and bear fruit.

One of the most poisonous of all "bad" roots is the root of bitterness mentioned in Hebrews 12:14 - 15: Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. This verse also illustrates the bitter root's power to destroy not only us but others around us. Just like some weeds become entangled with the plants around them and choke out the life, health and growth, the root of bitterness chokes out our life, health and growth. (Hint: The best known cure for the dreaded root of bitterness is fought with the antidote of gratefulness. It's always simple...our Shepherd makes it easy for His sheep...just count your blessings!)

Parable of the Soil
Matthew 13 tells the parable of the soils, and the importance of having prepared soil for a healthy root of faith to grow. If the "soil" of our hearts is not properly prepared for the "seeds" of God's Word, the "seed will not "take root" in our hearts and we will not receive it...or we may receive it, but it could be easily stolen (uprooted) when difficult times come our way. Matthew 13:20-21 - But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles.

Roots of Faith
...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love...- Ephesians 3:17
As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so also walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving. - Colossians 2:6-7

These are the good roots...the ones we want to have a deep, strong, healthy root that can't be pulled up or moved. We want the good roots to grow and flourish, standing firm against the weeds that threaten and the winds that blow. We can't have the strength on our own, but if we are firmly rooted in Jesus, we will not be moved.The more weeds He pulls up, the more our healthy roots can grow in the soil of our hearts and lives.

I thought about all the things in my life that had been mixed into my "soil"...pain, loss, insecurity, forgiveness, redemption, salvation, friendship, sorrow, joy, love, family, gratefulness,brokenness, restoration...And, with my own garden in front of me and the warm sunshine on my back, I smiled at the thought of God - the Master Gardener - gently mixing it all together to create a beautiful, colorful garden of His own...the garden of my life.

Beauty from Ashes - Grief's Extraordinary Journey

The following text was originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter by Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc. and written by Kelly Gerken.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. - Isaiah 61:1b-3

As Christians, we have the peace of knowing that because Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, and rose again, that we will never taste death. We will have eternal life in heaven with Him. What a blessed assurance! Unfortunately, we still live in a world that faces death and loss everyday. And, although there is the wonderful promise of heaven, those of us who remain on this Earth still must grieve the losses of those we love (even if we are just separated for a short time.).

There are stages of grief that most people go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Others describe numbness, disorganization, and reorganization. Each individual is unique in their grief . A variety of responses are "normal" and can be expected, such as : anger resentment, pain, sorrow, bitterness, emptiness, numbness, exhaustion, apathy, depression, and even some joy as you remember your loved one, peace as you think of your loved one in heaven with Jesus. There are so many feelings that come at will and even when the overwhelming sorrow has passed and a new form of "normalcy" has returned, you may out of no where, when you least expect it, feel grief's gripping waves overtake you once more.

Walking the journey of grief is an extraordinary test of our faith, and our will. Grief is a tumultuous sea, a relentless roller coaster that we cannot control or escape. The pain often comes in great waves, and tosses us about in a "sea of grief", so powerful that we may feel as if we are drowning. It is important to realize that it takes much time to heal and mourn. Unfortunately, there is no fast forward button for grief. So go gently. Be patient with yourself and your grief. Even when we know that our loved one is in heaven, we rejoice for our loved one, but we cry for ourselves. Our tears are for those of us who are left on this earth to ache for them, to miss and long for their physical presence, as we face the emptiness of walking through our days without the one we love. While we have great hope in Jesus and the amazing promise of Heaven, we acknowledge that there is a time to grieve, and we must take the time we need to do so.

The hope that we have as Christians is that we don't have to drown alone in our sea of grief. Our heavenly Father is able and willing to carry us when we cannot walk through the difficult journeys of this life ourselves. All that we can do is cling to Him, believing His promises. Some days we may not even have the strength to cling to Jesus, and in those moments, He will hold on to us because He is merciful and loving, full of grace and truth and comfort. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. We have a great opportunity in the despair of grief to ask ourselves if we really believe His promises. When the waves of doubt come crashing in over our head, we must remember who our Lord is and what He has already done for us, in us, and through us. We can search His word and find hope and peace. We can look back on our own lives and see evidence of His hand gently leading and guiding our lives.

How do we face the task of walking through our days, passing the ordinary time, as the world around us goes about the business of life, while our world has shattered into a million pieces? The best advice I have heard comes form Elizabeth Elliott, who has experience great loss in her life. She says, "Just do the next thing.". Maybe the next thing is as simple as getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other, or just brushing your teeth. Sometimes there is great comfort in just the ordinary small, one step at a time pace of life that can carry your through to the next day. We can take comfort in knowing that God's mercies are new every morning and great is His faithfulness. Slowly, one baby step at a time toward normalcy, we will see the promise of a new day, a light at the end of the tunnel of grief. With time, those who grieve will heal and joy will be restored..
Taking the time to remember our loved one is an important and precious part of the grieving process. Some find comfort in journaling, creating a memory book of pictures and memories of the moments that make up our lives together. Sometimes it's the simple everyday memories that mean the most- a smile, a touch, a hug, a laugh, a smell. In the case of losing a baby or a child whose life was cut short, we not only feel the empty loss of the person, but also of all the dreams we hold for that precious life that ended so suddenly.

The old saying "time heals all wounds" has some truth to it, but I believe what is really happening in that time is that God is working in us to heal and restore us.. You may have heard the analogy that we cannot see the wind, but we see the evidence that wind exists as it blows the leaves on the trees. We can feel the wind on our face and hear the sound of it blowing past. I think God works in those invisible ways. We cannot see Him, but we see the evidence of His work in our lives. We feel the comfort of His Presence.

My friend Dinah gives a great analogy of how God mysteriously works. She likens it to the changing of the seasons. In the autumn the leaves change colors. Often though it is so gradual, so subtle that we don't realize it fully until one day the tress are orange, yellow, red and brown instead of green. In the same way as winter approached, the leaves fall from the tress. One day, we notice that the leaves are gone. We know they must have been falling for some time, but it was so subtle and gradual that we hardly noticed, until, one day when they were all gone and the land was stark and bare. When spring comes, everything brings forth new life. What one was dead is alive again. And one day it happens. You wake up and the leaves have returned one more - green and shiny and new. You can't point to at time when they began to bloom, exactly. You may have seen a bud or two. But it seems that it is sudden. In reality it was happening all the time, subtle, gradual, unseen, changing and restoring life. That is the best illustration I have heard of the way the Holy Spirit works in us to heal and restore. How subtly God works in us to change us until one day what once was, is not more. One day , we are no longer struggling. We have overcome what once held us captive, be it bitterness, pain, grief, or sin. God had been healing us all along, working while we struggled. He will take the tatters ashes of the broken hearts and made them into something beautiful ... God will use every tear, every moment of brokenness to make beauty from ashes to heal our pain and restore our joy.

~ Taken from the Dreams of You Memory Book written by Kelly Gerken and published by Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc. Copyright 2004-2008

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:A time to be born and a time to die...A time to weep and a time to laugh...A time to mourn and a time to dance...

Lessons in Humility

In general, I would like (at least in the outside world) to appear to be a somewhat competent...together person...or at least not appear to be a complete disaster. However, lately there have been a series of humbling events each time I attempt to leave the house, pick up the phone, send an email, or have a conversation at swimming lessons, or pretty much make an effort to function in any capacity with the outside world. I feel as if I'm living in an I Love Lucy episode...and I'm Lucy.

Humbling Incident Number One

Last week, I backed out of the driveway in a rush to take James (our seven-year-old) to swimming lessons. I was late (of course) and I failed to notice my brother's Toyota rapidly approaching the rear end of my car as I neared the end of my driveway. The Toyota made itself known with a crunch sending my heart to my knees...which turned to jello as I realized that I had done it again. This would be a forgiveable offense if it had been the first time...but no...I have backed into various vehicles over the course of the last two years. Pretty much anytime someone parks behind me (only in my own driveway - those of you living in Northwest Ohio have no need to fear me on the open road.) the end result is that dreaded crunch and the sinking agony that reminds me just what I am capable of. These incidents occur in my own driveway as I am a creature of habit...and inevitably in a rush. As far as Tim's reaction...picture almost any Lucy and Ricky episode...but he is getting quite used to forgiving my infractions. Thank you, Lord for grace and mercy...and car insurance!

Humbling Incident Number Two

Yesterday at swimming lessons (I'm seeing a pattern here - maybe the problem is swimming lessons!) out of nowhere, I was gripped with panic as I was suddenly convinced that I had made a mistake on my calendar and should have been teaching the five-year-olds at VBS instead of having James at swimming lessons. What was the date? Did I have it wrong all along? Are there five-year-olds wandering aimlessly without a teacher? How could I have done this? I actually fell to the grass and held my head in my hands...Did anyone have a cell phone? All of this drama took place in front of the other mommies watching swimming lessons in our small town of 2,000. I was shaking as I tried to call the church...no answer...probably because they needed all hands on deck to cover the vacant VBS spot! This was like one of those nightmares I sometimes have when I wake up shaking because I dream that I forgot something important, and it takes hours to calm down and convince myself that it didn't really happen. Only this time it was in broad daylight in front of everyone. I called someone else and they assured me that VBS was indeed next week. I hadn't forgotten. I was redeemed. Now I just needed to stop shaking, and act natural.

In my defense, you should see my calendar. I have one of those special calendars that has a line for each person for every day because the ones with the little tiny squares just don't cut it for the Gerkens anymore. We have the orthodontist, vision therapy, dentist, sports physicals, church worship, golf tournaments, baseball games, ministry fundraisers, ministry outreach, seminars, meetings etc. You probably know how it goes. Most of the mothers at swimming lessons understood my panic. Most of us are walking around in an overscheduled, distracted fog, with the potential to miss something important at any given moment. Again, I was grateful for God's grace and mercy that I hadn't completely missed VBS...we still had time...I was redeemed.

Although there have been several other humbling events this week...I will share just one more. Today, I was being interviewed for the Findlay Courier about Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women. While doing my hair, prior to the interview, my flat iron broke into two pieces. Now you ladies know how hot your flat iron has to get to tame the frizzies (and I have some defiant frizzies). Picture Lucy trying to flat iron her hair with two fat, flat 100something degree chopsticks.

I get it Lord...humility. I don't have it all together...in fact I can't do anything apart from the Lord and His grace. I need His mercies which are new every morning. I need to bathe every moment of every day in prayer. I need to stay humble and remember that although I am a flawed broken vessel, I can rest assured that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

The Story of Faith, Grace, and Thomas

Today, our Thomas Patrick would be 10 years old...I guess maybe this is a perfect time to begin to share the story of Thomas and his sisters Faith and Grace. Some parts of this story are found in our book, Dreams of You and on our website, http://www.sufficientgrace.net/. Please do not copy any portion of this story...we are sharing it with you in hopes that you will find comfort and strength for your own journey.

We'll start at the beginning with Faith and Grace....

Tim and I were married in March of 1994. We had a son, Timothy. Two years into our marriage, I was expecting again...and there were many surprises...First of all, everything was different with this pregnancy...there was more fatigue, more nausea, more belly, and more "stretching pains". At our first ultrasound appointment around 6-8 weeks, the doctor confirmed, after a series of disconcerting "Hmmmms..." that we were expecting TWINS. I had a slight panic attack on the table, immediately overwhelmed with all the additional concerns and possible complications that could come with a twin pregnancy. Tim's twenty-year-old face was covered in shock, bewilderment, and stunned excitement. I staggered my way off the examining table, and once safely behind the curtain, I began to change out of the napkin gown we ladies wear at the OB, and the fears started to emerge in the form of tears, which gave way to sobs.

Tim asked if I was O.K. and I told him in my twenty-year-old voice that I was afraid. We talked, and soon the excitement overrode the doubt and fear. When I shared the news with my mother, she picked me up (with her little 100 pound self) and spun me around in her driveway. We had plans to make...plans that involved two of everything...how fun!

Fun soon gave way to constant vomiting which led to many hospital visits, medication and IV therapy. My stomach continued to grow at an alarming rate...which we thought was just a normal part of being pregnant with twins. I had barely kept any food down...so it certainly wasn't fat! I needed help with the housework...and Timothy spent a lot of time with both grandmothers.

My friend Ginny and I were at Wal-Mart with our toddlers when I started to feel contractions...after a stop at Wendy's, we concluded that I needed to go to the OB as the contractions and back pain continued. They hooked me up to the monitors and said that I was contracting regularly. I was about 20-22 weeks gestation...my uterus was measuring about 40 cm ( the size of a full-term pregnant uterus).

The doctors instructed me to go straight to the hospital because I was in labor. I stopped in the hallway, leaning against the wall...crying, praying, trying to catch my breath. I didn't want to go any further...I didn't want to face what was to come, but Ginny said something to convince me to take the next step, and the next until I found myself in a hospital bed, which would become my home for more than a week. They administered magnesium sulfate to stop the labor...it was a miserable poison which intensified my wretched vomiting and soon I needed medicine, IVs, and other pleasantries. I laid there, listening to each laboring mom and praying for each little baby. I would cry with relief at the sound of each new baby cry...wondering in my heart if my babies were born right now, if they would even be able to cry. The days passed in a blur as I continued to lose everything that entered my stomach until my throat was raw and torn. But, finally...after about a week, the contractions stopped and I emerged from the fog of the medicine.

It was time for my ultrasound. I'll never forget the yellow walls of the room...chatting light-heartedly with the nurses as they wheeled me down the hall...I'll never forget the smothering doom as the countenance of the technician's face darkened when she saw my babies and she turned the screen away. She wouldn't say anything, but I knew...something was wrong.

We were sent to a high-risk specialist (perinatalogist) the next morning. My day began with losing the contents of my stomach, as usual. This morning it happened to be a red popsicle. Tim arrived to help me put on my shoes, since the swelling and the size of my giant abdomen prevented me from finding my own feet. He drove me to St. Vincent Hospital.
The specialist performed an ultrasound, and within minutes of our arrival, we knew that we were having identical twin girls and we had a name for the evil thing that threatened our precious children: twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. That moment held both joy and sorrow as we went from expecting twin “babies” to expecting twin “daughters”. Immediately, whether in danger or not, we had dreams for them. We now had a vision of who they would be. We named our daughters Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine. We chose those names based on the scripture For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God... – Ephesians 2:8

The condition known as twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome is, in simple terms a situation where one baby gets too much nourishment, fluid, and blood flow and the other baby does not get enough. To help remedy the situation, the doctors performed several amniocentesis procedures to remove excess fluid from the sac that carried the babies. I remained in the hospital for several more days. People prayed fervently for me and our babies as we all three were in a fight for our lives. The constant vomiting had done great damage to my stomach and esophagus. I had a hyetal hernia that was irritated by the size of my girth, my heart was palpitating, my lungs struggled to get in enough air as I continued to grow and my liver wasn't working properly. And we prayed for the lives of Faith and Grace, desperate to believe that our babies would be among the 20 percent who live through this condition unscathed.

During the many ultrasounds performed, we would watch as Faith sucked her thumb and Grace swam wildly about. I watched and learned about them as they were nestled safely in my womb, yet to meet the world. And I knew them because they were my own.

At twenty-six weeks, an ultrasound showed that the hearts of Faith and Grace, who had struggled so to survive, were no longer beating. The pain and shock of that loss, the word stillborn, the labor and the funeral plans were all a blur, as if happening to someone else.

The voice that emerged from me was an unrecognizable, agonized cry from the deepest part of my heart. This couldn’t be. Both of them were gone before I met them. There would be no bedroom with a canopy crib and pink lace everywhere. No daughters for my husband to dote over and protect. No sisters for our two-year-old son. No little girl giggles and Easter bonnets. This couldn’t be…but it was. They were ripped unexpectedly from us. It was as if the world stopped. For me, time stood still. My world, in an instant was a horrible nightmare that I had not even allowed myself to dream, but had come true anyway.

During my labor, I looked out the window and watched snowflakes falling silently, so perfect and beautiful, just like I imagined our daughters would be. When they were born, we held them and wept, and I sang Amazing Grace. Although they were bruised and broken, all I could see was their indescribable beauty. I had prayed that God would save them and I realized that He had saved them, just not the way I had in mind. They were in heaven, perfect and without suffering, complete and safe. The grief that followed was a relentless roller coaster. My physical and emotional health were in desperate need of healing. I questioned the strength of my faith. I didn’t yet realize that God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.





The Story of Our Thomas

A year later, we conceived our fourth child. We were filled with apprehension and hope. An ultrasound in mid-pregnancy indicated an inadequate amount of amniotic fluid. I was sent to a specialist who confirmed through a variety of tests that our baby probably had a fatal condition known as Potter’s Syndrome, where babies have a lack of amniotic fluid due to the absence of kidneys. The low amounts of amniotic fluid leave the baby’s lungs unable to properly develop, and they cannot function. There is no chance of survival.

We felt forsaken. The darkness of that rainy day was consuming and hideous. I remember standing by the window in the hospital hallway, looking out into the pouring rain. I watched the raindrops trickling down the window in unison with the tears trickling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to take another step. Maybe, I thought, if I stayed right here in this spot, I wouldn’t have to face the ugly truth of what was to come. Maybe I could just make time stand still. Only then that would mean never moving on past this day. Sometimes the only way out is through a situation. All the way home, a terrible voice echoed in my head as I struggled to resist feeling forsaken, asking, "Where is your God now?"

In the middle of the night, I cried out and poured over scripture, searching for the answer to that awful question. I clung to the promises of God that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Doctors use the words "incompatible with life" to describe a fatal diagnosis. We were given a choice to induce labor early, terminating the pregnancy or to continue, knowing what outcome we would face, barring a miracle.

After a Holy Week filled with tears and searching scripture, we chose to continue the pregnancy despite the bleak diagnosis. The next four months tested our faith constantly. We prayed fervently for a miracle, hoping and wishing, fearing that staying pregnant could be causing physical harm and deformities to our baby because of lack of amniotic fluid. It was a great strain on our family. I spent time planning his funeral and yet, still somehow hoping that God would give us a miracle and save him. I lived from ultrasound to ultrasound, so that I could catch a glimpse of this quiet little child growing within me, knowing that this was my only time to mother him. I wanted to cherish every gift, every moment.

We chose the name Thomas for our son because through this journey, we learned about believing God without seeing. (John 20:24-29) We learned that being faithful doesn’t mean not feeling doubt or fear. Faith is believing God’s promises, clinging to His truth anyway, when you’re most afraid and filled with doubt and questions…still believing when the answer is not what you want to hear or when there seems to be no answer at all.

When the moment came for me to deliver Thomas, it was clear that God’s grace truly was sufficient for us. While a team of experts worked to save Thomas, I prayed and cried out to the Lord. I was immediately filled with that peace that surpasses all human understanding. I could feel the presence of the Lord, so close, as if I could reach out and touch Him. Although God did not work the kind of miracle that I had asked for, there were miracles that day. Thomas was beautiful! He was with us for six hours. We were able to hold him and pray over him. There were no scars on him and his limbs were intact. There was no evidence that remaining pregnant without amniotic fluid had harmed him in any way.

During the last moments of Thomas’ life, I rocked him and began singing to him. As he left this earth, it occurred to me that I had been given a great privilege. I had been chosen to sing to this beautiful baby as he went straight from my arms to the arms of Jesus. I was bathed in peace and an indescribable joy. It was worth a lifetime of being Thomas’ mother to be the one who held him and sang to him on his way to heaven. I have never felt closer to Jesus than in that moment. I knew that He existed in a way that I never had known before. His promises are real, and He will not leave us or forsake us.




I could never have envisioned in my limited human mind that He would have such an experience waiting for me at the end of this journey. I was truly blessed among women that day, blessed among Mothers.
It has been several years since that day (ten to be exact!), and our journey of healing has continued. We were tossed about in the sea of grief for a time. We struggled through our questions, our pain, our tears, our anger, and our bitterness. We believed that someday, somehow, God could and would restore our brokenness and turn our tears to joy. And He did.

In the beginning, I felt as if I were drowning. The sea of grief was relentless. Soon, I learned to tread water, though, and the sea became less rocky as I stopped resisting the waves. One day, I realized that I had learned to swim in this sea. The waves of grief still rushed in at times, but I was learning to be a stronger swimmer.

The old saying “Time heals all wounds” has some truth to it, but I would like to elaborate on that concept. Yes, in time, wounds do heal; however I believe that what’s really happening in that time is that God is working in us to heal and restore us. You may have heard the analogy that although we cannot see the wind, we can see the evidence that the wind exists as it blows the leaves on the trees. We can feel the wind on our face and hear the sound of it blowing past. I think God works in those invisible ways. We cannot see Him, but we see evidence of His work in our lives. We feel the comfort of His presence.

My friend Dinah gives a great analogy of how God mysteriously works. She likens it to the changing of the seasons. In the autumn the leaves change colors. Often though it is so gradual, so subtle that we don’t realize it fully until one day the trees are orange, yellow, red and brown instead of green. In the same way as winter approaches, the leaves fall from the trees. One day, we notice that the leaves are gone. We know they must have been falling for some time, but it was so subtle and gradual that we hardly noticed until one day when they were all gone and the land was stark and bare. When spring comes, everything brings forth new life. What once was dead is alive again. And one day it happens. You wake up and the leaves have returned once more- green and shiny and new. You can’t point to a time when they began to bloom, exactly. You may have seen a bud or two. But it seems that it is sudden. Suddenly, the leaves have returned.

In reality it was happening all the time, subtle, gradual, unseen, changing and restoring life. That is the best illustration I have heard of the way the Holy Spirit works in us to heal and restore. How subtly God works in us to change and heal us until one day what once was, is no more. One day, we were no longer struggling. We have overcome what once held us captive, be it bitterness, pain, grief, or sin. God had been healing us all along, working while we struggled.

Where once there was sin, now there is forgiveness. Where sorrow once lived, now joy dwells. Where once there was death, now there is life. Once the trees were barren. Now they spring forth green leaves and beautiful, life-giving fruit. I don’t know exactly when or how He took the tattered ashes of our broken hearts and made them into something beautiful, but one day the pain was gone. (We still have tender moments when our memories take us back, and we may shed some tears. We will never forget!) In reality, though, it wasn’t one day. It had been happening all along. God had been using every tear, every moment of brokenness to make beauty from ashes, to turn our shame into a crown of glory, to heal our pain and restore us- turning even our deepest sorrow into our most exuberant joy.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. – Psalm 126: 2-5
In May 2001, our fifth child was born...our little bundle of energy and joy...James. He is our miracle child, and we thank God for both of our sons that are with us and for our daughters and son that are in Heaven, daily.
We share our story with you because of the scripture in 2 Corinthians 1: 3 & 4 – Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received.

We feel blessed that we have been comforted through our loss by a loving God, and we would like to offer that same comfort to you. That is how our ministry began. My friend,Tracy lost her baby, Kelly on March 12, 2003. While searching for a memory book for her, I discovered that there were no memory books that allowed the mom to adequately honor the life of a precious baby...something lasting and beautiful that said a loved and wanted child was here. That's how the Dreams of You Memory Book was born. Parts of the above story are written in the Dreams of You Book as well as places for grieving parents to journal there own journey of loss, hope and healing, record the dreams they had for baby, footprints, handprints, other memories and details of babies life, write letters to baby...in addition, the book is filled with inspirational poems and scripture reminding us of the hope of heaven.

We began Sufficient Grace Ministries - the legacy of Faith, Grace, Thomas and Tracy's little Kelly - in 2004. Today, hundreds of lives have been touched because of the brief little lives of our little ones. They were here...they mattered...and God used them to fulfill a beautiful purpose...to offer comfort and hope to those whose hearts are broken. For more information about the products and services offered, to receive one-on-one support, to order materials, or to express a prayer need, please visit our website: http://www.sufficientgrace.net/ or email me (Kelly) at sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com . We are a 501 (c ) 3 non-profit organization and we do not ask bereaved parents to pay for our materials. The costs for materials is covered from supporting members, individuals, participating hospitals, churches, and other organizations. Our materials can also be found at aplacetoremember.com .


Remembering:
Faith Elizabeth Gerken -- November 3, 1996
Grace Katherine Gerken -- November 3, 1996
Thomas Patrick Gerken -- July 14, 1998
Kelly Michelle Sponsler -- March 12, 2003
For all the precious children whose footprints are forever ingrained in our hearts – We still dream our dreams of you… until we meet again.

…See I will not forget you. I have carved you in the palm of my hand. – Isaiah 49:15b & 16


…My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

©2005 - 2008 Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc.
All text contained within this blog is copyrighted to Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc. and written by Kelly Gerken. All rights reserved.