New Walking With You...and What We Can Say to Comfort a Grieving Mom

There is a new post on the Walking With You blog, featuring this week's mama and also sharing ways to support a grieving mom. Please add your own thoughts and suggestions to the post on the WWY page. I know many of us have been both comforted and harmed by the words of others. We'd love to have your thoughts and suggestions.

Blessings...

Supporting a Grieving Mother...What You Can Do...and This Week's Featured Blogger

I'd like to do something a little different with this Walking With You. There is still a featured blogger listed at the bottom of this post. But, first...some helpful information for someone seeking to offer comfort to a friend or loved one who has lost a child. Please add your own suggestions to the comments of this post. We all know that it is not easy to offer comfort in a situation where there seems to be nothing to say or do to ease the pain.

Supporting a Grieving Mother

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4


It is often very difficult to know how to minister to the needs of a grieving mother who has lost her child. There are no magic words to take away the pain of such a loss, and many find it overwhelming just to look into the face of such suffering. Here are a few suggestions from a mother who has walked this path more than once.

1. Don’t allow the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing keep you from reaching out in love. There are no perfect words. A simple “I’m sorry” and a hug can go a long way.

2. Acknowledge the baby. Refer to the child by name. It is often a blessing to a grieving heart to hear her child’s name spoken. Do not think that talking about him/her will bring the mother more pain. The memory of her baby is always on her mind. Sharing can be a comfort. Be willing to listen. She may need to tell her story over and over again.

3. Those who are grieving are not always able to ask for help. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” just do something for the mother and her family. Be available, but also be willing to give space when needed. Bring a meal. Offer to watch the other children for awhile. Come over and sit with her, offering a listening ear.

4. Realize that your friend has been forever changed by the loss of her baby. Don’t expect her to be exactly the same. And please realize that grief has its own time table. Allow her the time she needs, and remain supportive. Everyone grieves differently. Don’t judge her choices or her “performance”. She may not react the same way that you think you would.

5. Avoid clichés such as “You can have more children” or “This was God’s will”. Even words meant to comfort can actually sting a grieving heart like salt poured into an open wound.

 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15


I will be posting a link to this post on our resource page, so that others who visit may find some wisdom from those who have walked this path. Please add your thoughts to the comments.

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Please also take a couple minutes this week to show some love to Purple Moose, mommy to Shelomith, "born straight into the arms of the LORD ~ October 4, 2009". She is currently expecting her rainbow baby, and could use our love and prayers.

Woman Feelings

God made us lovely and soft, gentle, nurturing, with hearts of compassion, the gift of empathy, the ability to juggle several tasks, with spirits of resiliency, and maybe a hint of nesting.

We are women...and He made us to worship Him in spirit and in truth, to be a help mate to our husbands, a mother to our children, the keepers of our home, to serve as loyal friends, to reach out in love and compassion to those around us. The woman in Proverbs 31 is a beautiful example of God's desire for the life of a woman and a testament to her abilities.

Like all things in this imperfect, fallen world we are living in, however, the gentle heart of compassion and other woman feelings can be used as a stumbling block or even a tool of destruction in our lives. I'll admit, I'm one of those women with a whole lot of feelings. I think it comes from having a soft heart, and it can be a great gift. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, that I believe women should embrace their feelings and go with it a lot of the time. If you cry with someone who is hurting....you are being an example of one who "weeps with those who weep". If you love to laugh and have a heart full of joy, then you are "rejoicing with those who rejoice". If you are passionate, there are so many wonderful, biblical truths where that passion could be channeled. It is good to stand in the gap, passionately praying for your family, fighting for your family, standing for what is right and good. I am sort of the Tazmanian devil of woman feelings....I laugh, cry, feel passionate, and a whole lot of other things. It can be a blessing...and it can be a curse. I'm all about embracing the emotions....all of them. But, it's important that we women keep those emotions in check, rather than allowing them to rule over us.

Let's face it...those same wonderful feelings, can also be used for great harm. When we are driven by feelings alone, there is a potential for misunderstanding, stealing of joy, and hurtfulness...for us and for those we love. The same emotions God meant to be used for loveliness can cause us to sulk and dwell on our hurt feelings, to read way too much into the words or intentions of another, to react with protective rage when our loved ones are "attacked", to release our mama-bear claws...leaving behind all reason, to shout at our husbands and children over things that are so not shout-worthy, to cry over things that don't really deserve our tears, to make rash decisions not based on wisdom...using anything but a sound mind.


And, once a month....


Before I even begin talking about this, I just want to ask you to keep your claws in. I know that mentioning hormones makes many women feel defensive. But, can we be honest with ourselves...and admit that it's a battle for many of us....a battle we face once a month? If you're anything like me, it's a battle that most of the time takes me by surprise. I wanted to talk about this, because it's actually been an increasing struggle for me. I like to think that I can handle things, and that I can pray about those things that I can't handle. (Which is incidentally an incorrect assumption....because I really need the Lord for every jot and tittle of life....and shouldn't assume I can handle anything on my own. So, perhaps you shouldn't listen to me at all!)

Biblically-speaking, we should cast all of our cares unto the Lord. In that respect, it seems that even our battle with emotions and hormones should be taken to Him in prayer. I do that. And, sometimes....I still battle. Then...I struggle, wondering why this issue is not under control. I expect myself to be able to exercise self control, but then I wonder. Sometimes knowing what should be done doesn't mean it's easy to do it.

Once a month, I have a week that includes unexplained, powerful, and seemingly justifiable woman rage, followed by an ocean of equally powerful and seemingly justifiable tears and waves of strong emotion. I imagine that you dislike the hormonal labels, excuses, and innuendo about monthly hormones as much as I do. No woman wants to have every idea or feeling she has dismissed as a hormonally-charged whim. But, if I am honest with myself, there is sometimes a surge of emotion that drives a reaction that does not match the situation. I hate to admit that I struggle on occasion to keep those feelings in check. Before I realize what's happening, I could bark orders to my children, lose patience, raise my voice, or collapse into a puddle of tears over something not worth such a strong reaction.

I do not love that about being a woman. It is humbling and frustrating, terribly inconvenient and unpleasant for all involved. Strangely, for me, recognition does seem to help and often even diffuses the tumultuous storm of emotion. You would think that I would realize what is happening, given the fact that it comes on a schedule. But, more often than not, I am taken by surprise....swept into the wave of emotion...and convinced that I really am this angry that......fill in the blank. Or, I really am this upset. Emotions that strong can be paralyzing. Much the same as men battle...well, the things men battle...hormones and emotion truly ARE valid battles for women. When I step back for a moment, or when someone I love gently reminds me to step back, clarity seeps in to my emotion-driven-temporary-insanity and I realize that I am not that upset at whatever has transpired. My battle is within.

Lest you picture this crazy woman running loose, making decisions based on emotion, here are a couple truths. I have these emotions, but I don't dwell in a place where they are allowed to rule me. I stumble, and once a month I may even succumb before I realize what's behind an unreasonable reaction from me. If you are not someone very close to me...such as my husband, children, or a couple close friends...you would never know that I am struggling. God has blessed me with a husband who is patient, firm, wise, and reasonable. He keeps life light when it gets too heavy, and knows how to gently remind me to keep things in perspective. He knows me well, which is why I suppose, he sticks around. He knows the storms come and go. He knows, even in my moments of ugly, that I will be lovely again.

I'm grateful for all the grace...and continue to pray as I muddle through. I have a feeling this battle is shared by others, and would love to pray for you, too. Feel free to share what is on your heart about this subject we ladies struggle with, but rarely discuss.

October Winners Announced for All of This Week's Giveaways!

Congratulations to all the winners of this week's Remembrance giveaways! Could you please email me your address if you have not already done so that I can ship your items this week? Thank you and God bless!


Memorial Pin Giveaway:
The Blue Ribbon goes to Tucker's mommy, Lizy...
The Pink Ribbon goes to Olivia's mommy, Cynthia...
The White Ribbon goes to Mommy Ivy...
(Still waiting to hear from Mommy Ivy and Lizy!)

Winner of the Mommy Please Don't Cry book:Virginia's Mommy

My Forever Child Giveaway (84 comments whoo-hoo!):
Memorial Footprints Pin: Karen
Suncatcher: Desiree
$50 Gift Certificate: Mary

Choosing to SEE giveaway:
Sarita

Audrey's Little Light Candle:
Dan and Nancy Vollmer

Thank you to those of you who shared your baby's name and family information on our October 15th Remembrance page. I created a special page of it's own for those who wish to add names throughout the year. There is a link on the sidebar.

Love to all...

This Little Light of Mine...

Last night, as I sat beside my three-wicked candle, I inhaled the scent of autumn apple cider...as I remembered my babies...along with many of yours. The candle flickered, and I prayed for each family, reading all 156 names on the list. Names of precious, loved, dreamed of, and longed for children. With each name, my heart ached as only the heart of a mother who knows the ache of one who longs for her sweet baby can.

I hope you don't mind, that in light of the importance of remembering, I thought it was more pressing to focus on each precious life. So, I postponed Friday's giveaway.

But, here we are...with this week's final giveaway...and later today, we will announce all of this week's winners. So, to participate in today's giveaway, act fast!

Today's giveaway is a customized memorial scrapbook candle made by Michelle from Audrey's Little Light! Enter now by leaving a comment on this post. Get an extra entry by leaving a comment on the Audrey's Little Light blog!

2 Samuel 22:29
You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Praying for each of us...that we would always look to the Lord to be the light in the darkness...and that we would choose everyday to shine for Him.

Love to all...

The Drive

Giveaway has now closed. Winners have been announced. You may still leave a comment, but it will not count toward the giveaway. Thank you! =)

Tuesday evening, I took a drive.

Not just any drive...the drive.

I've been meaning to take that drive for a couple years, considering the idea of soaking in every whisper of the memories from four years ago when I drove that path many times from home to you.

It's the road that takes me to the place where you took your last breath on this earth. This week, before the anniversary of your passing, boasts all of the beauty of Earth's splendor...nature's last hoorah before the dark cold winter...God's artwork. And in a way, maybe only to me, a send-off celebration...a beautiful goodbye to you. That's what it felt like when I drove that path over and over again four years ago. The glorious celebration of color, such a contrast to the darkness of death's sting surrounding you.

I didn't miss the contrast then. And, I didn't miss it on Tuesday's drive.



As I approached the turn, I let my eyes wander to the house that always let me know the turn was approaching. It looked like a peaceful place to live, I thought. I remembered how I noticed it one last time four years ago, the dark night I drove home telling people the news that your battle was over, and you had gone home.



As I made the turn, I felt the weight in my chest and the catch in my breath. I opened the sunroof, so that I could allow every nuance of this drive to soak itself into my senses. I wanted to breathe it all in, deeply. I didn't fight the memories...the flashes. I let them wash over me, as I gazed at the magnificent beauty before me.








The name of a housing development...The Sanctuary did not go unnoticed. I turned up Jim Croche's "I've Got a Name" and drove on with a smile. Feeling entangled and free all at the same time. Letting the weeping and rejoicing dance their dances over and through me, I lived each memory of laughing with you and crying with you...fighting with you, hurting with you. I smiled as I thought of your spirit...how every time we drive on a hilly road, I accelerate at just the right point so that we can fully experience one of life's great gifts...the "belly getter" just like you used to. My kids love it as much as I always did. As I parent a teenager, I am acutely aware of all the time I spent fighting the wrong fight for the wrong reasons. And, all the fighting I watched you do most of your life, even in the end. I thought of how you sopped up every inch of joy in every moment life offered you...even making us laugh as your body failed. Your spirit never did.



I looked up through the sunroof as I drove through what could only be described as a tunnel of autumn splendor. The leaves surrounded me forming their own blanket, a sanctuary, if you will. I drove on...to the place where I last heard your voice.

I turned into the driveway and the memories pushed their way into my psyche with such force, they ran into and overlapped each other in their efforts to be remembered. I remembered all at once the day we brought you here...the day I collapsed in exhausted delirium, the day I returned after a rest, and the day I left after four weeks of watching you suffer more than I thought was humanly possible.

I entered the building to use the restroom, walking past two women, who were there to visit a loved one, waiting in this place where people go to die. The door was locked and a hospice nurse approached me to lead me to another restroom. She led me down your hallway, past the chairs where we contemplated decisions, conditions, breathing patterns, and what to eat for dinner. Past your room, where we slept and listened to my brother's stories and the rhythm of your breathing. The memories coming at such rapid fire speed, I staggered into the bathroom and felt the eruption of emotion...wondering for a moment why I made this drive. I let the emotion come, and made my way outside to the beautiful ponds and the serene path I walked so many times.



I remember walking this path to let out my anger, to cry, to pray, to refuel, to look at something beautiful and alive for a few minutes. I walked it with my kids, walked it while pushing your big hospice bed around the bricks and listening to your snarky humor as you tried to keep my huge sunglasses on your face. I watched James feed the ducks and marvelled at how intertwined beginnings and endings are as life and death weave their way through our days. I remember reading each brick, the names of those who have gone before us...feeling somehow less alone and realizing once more the precious gift of life each of us is given.




As I opened the doors that led to the path of serenity, I heard a group of ladies in the lobby begin to sing what might have been a hymn. The emotions were swarming my senses with such fury, I'm not sure. Suddenly, the doors closed behind me and all I could hear was the sound of the fountains.


Oh, Lord...will you meet me here again? I felt my feet hit the bricks. My eyes scanned the names through the tears. The cool air filling my nostrils and breathing deep into my lungs. I crossed the bridge to a little clearing with a bench. I sat down and soaked it all in for a moment as the peace settled over me like a soothing balm. The fountains sprinkled, the crickets chirped, and I began to read scripture aloud, letting the words join the melody of peace soothing my weary soul. As if the Lord whispered through His comforting words of peace and truth..."I've got her, I've got you. I am here." I prayed a little, wept a little, and let the Lord hold me a little in the place where you breathed your last breath on this earth. Then I stopped to read one last brick, leaning down to wipe my hands over the name of a treasured life...a beautiful soul that once walked this earth and now brightens heaven with her exuberance.




As I got into the car to drive home, I saw an ambulance bringing someone in. I sighed with a heavy heart, and left the place where people go to die. On the way home, I talked with my "in real life" Lynette and she mentioned a story someone shared where the hospice wing was referred to as the "birthing rooms". Perhaps in light of that, it would be better to say it is a place where people go to live...eternally that is.

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If you are new to this site, this post is about my sweet mom who passed away four years ago on October 20th after a very difficult battle with cancer. She was just fifty years old. I miss her dearly...

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Giveaway is closed....winner has been announced!

I know this is a long post...and if you're still hanging in, I'd love to share today's giveaway with you. We are offering a free copy of Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing to SEE, to one commenter on this post. Anyone can enter and leave a comment. You do not have to be a grieving parent (as is the focus of the rest of the giveaways this week...which you may also wish to check out!) No matter what we are facing in this life, it is always good to choose to SEE the Lord working through it all.

Blessings...

HUGE My Forever Child Giveaway!!

I was perusing the My Forever Child site, looking for something that would be a blessing to a mama who is missing her sweet baby. I found so many things...

Like this beautiful suncatcher...which we are giving away to one commenter on this post.

And these Forever in my Heart pins...which we are giving away to two commenters on this post...

And, then I thought that maybe it would be nice if you could choose something else that you loved, something that was special and unique. Just for you. In memory of your sweet baby.

So...I added a $50 gift certificate to my order.

Yes ma'am. One of you will be blessed with a $50 gift certificate to be used toward any beautiful item on the My Forever Child site! There are so many beautiful items, made with love, that it's hard to choose just one!

What do you have to do to enter, you ask?

Leave a comment on this post...

Get additional entries for:
Announcing this contest on facebook or twitter and linking to this post...
Writing a post on your own blog...
If you are a follower of this blog...
(If you do any of the above, please leave an additional comment for each one that you have done so that I can count it in with the totals.)

Also, if you haven't added your baby's name and family info. to our October 15th Remembrance page, please do so here.

And, if you would like to enter to win the book, Mommy Please Don't Cry, please click on this post.

Have a Blessed Day!!

P.S. Winners will be announced Friday...and more giveaways will be coming in the next couple days...so stay tuned, and tell your friends!