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October has arrived, and I realize I've been a little absent in blog land. Truth be told, I've been soaking in every minute of my oldest son's high school golf season. Yes, in the grand scheme of eternity...not the most spiritual of matters. But, the heart of a mother learns to love what her children love. Their passions become our passions. When something means the world to them, it means the world to us. While it's certainly important to keep an eternal perspective, it is also a worthy thing to soak in the time we have with our children and let them know how much they matter to us. It isn't really hard to do. I love watching my children soar with the gifts and abilities that God has given them. And, I know my time following my oldest son on the golf course is growing short, as he just finished the golf season of his junior year. I won't lie. It is one of my favorite things to do. Watching him swing that club, surrounded by the most splendid display of earth's beauty. So, forgive me if I seem a little less focused from August to October. I am soaking it in, and time with my children is fleeting.
I marvel at the way time passes. Here we are in the midst of another autumn shrouded in memories. This is the time I usually relive the last moments of my mother's life, mixed in with the memories of Faith and Grace. It is generally commemorated with sleepless nights, flashbacks, and an agony of missing as my body relives those last weeks...even while my mind resists. This year has been a little different. The flashes are there, as I walk on to the soccer field and remember "the phone call"...and other times that bring the memories back. But, the passing of time is a force of it's own to be reckoned with. This year, there are so many current good-byes looming that the past good-byes are being pushed aside to make room. They are still there, of course...just shifting. I suppose this life is a string of good-byes...with a few hellos along the way.
My mother's house is for sale/rent. The house where I...in true teenage diva form... argued with my mom, while getting ready for my first Homecoming and my last. (I will be taking pictures of my son and his girl later today, as he prepares for his next-to-last Homecoming.) Last Sunday, I had to go and get some of Mom's things out of the house, so that someone else can move in...a trip I've been putting off. It is a strange feeling...going through the personal belongings of one that you love, realizing that the things we cling to in this life, really do not matter. We are just passing through, and the only things we can take with us to heaven are the people whose lives we touch by sharing the love of Jesus. I know this may not be a popular or uplifting thought to some. But, it is true. And the tangible knowledge of this truth is really working it's way into my heart.
While we were there, I tried not to remember all the Christmas mornings we laughed together in the front room, the times I checked my reflection in the full length closet mirror before a date, laughing on the edge of my bed with my best friend Nicki, swimming in the back yard pool back when I could still swim faster than my little brothers, laughing with my own kids in the same pool. My heart aches with the memories. But, as we loaded her items into our truck, I willed my heart to be numb and shook each memory from my mind, even as I felt them squeezing my heart.
I remember the first time I walked through mom's house alone after she passed. It struck me, all the little touches of "her". A woman's house is filled with her touches....she pours her heart into making her home a lovely haven. And, her signature is all over it. I never once walked into her house, since she has gone home to heaven, and didn't for just a moment expect to see her laying on her beloved couch...followed by the heart breaking disappointment that she wasn't there, that she would never be there again. And, now...it is likely that I will never walk into that house again. It may seem silly, but sometimes when her house was still there...it was as if a piece of her was still with us. I'm still sorting through the emotion of the idea that someone else will be in my mother's house...that when we go on a bike ride and check on her lilac bush, it will no longer be her lilac bush. Every rock that she and my grandfather placed in the landscaping around her house...and the mailbox she was so proud of...no longer hers. The driveway where she swung me in the air with joy as I told her I was expecting twins. Someone else's car will be parked there. Why does it feel like I'm saying goodbye all over again?
And, why do I feel the strong sense that we are just passing through...that the things I treasure (actually there are few earthly "things" that I treasure) will someday, at best be just a faint reminder that I once walked this earth...and at worst a burden of clutter to my children who will wonder what to do with it all...and most likely a little of both? Maybe this is why I'm not inclined to be a collector of things...and now even less so.
O.K....enough of my cleansing melancholy....so sorry to have taken you all there. God is working it all out in my heart...it's just fresh right now, and working through these matters takes time. The nitty gritty stuff of life is not something we can tie into a neat bow and wrap up in a little blog post.
So...in other news...
For those that are not local, please pray for the upcoming Sufficient Grace events...
And, for those that are local, please consider attending and/or supporting this month's festivities.
October 5th ~ Speaking at Napoleon Church of the Nazarene Women's Ministry
I will be sharing our family's journey of God's sufficient grace and presenting about Sufficient Grace Ministries at the Napoleon Church of the Nazarene on Tuesday October 5, 2010 at 6:30pm. All ladies are invited. I believe there is a small entry fee (just a few dollars). Come for an evening of encouragement, food, and some fun thrown in, as well!
Fundraiser hosted by the Napoleon Church of the Nazarene Women's Ministry
The Napoleon Church of the Nazarene is hosting a fundraiser to support the Food Pantry and Sufficient Grace Ministries. On October 15th and 16th, a photographer will be doing children's photo sessions. The pictures will be antique black and white with a splash of color. Special, fun antique clothing is provided for kids up to age 16. Cost is only $10 and you get a coupon for a free 10 x 13. You may order more pictures, but you are under no obligation to do so. You may sign up with either Kelly Gerken or Teresa Brown by October 9th. Times available are 10am-8:15m both days. List several options when you sign up so that we can find a time that works for you. This sounds like a fun way to get adorable pictures of your children and support two wonderful local ministries. I hope to see you there!
Please email me if you have questions.
I will be announcing some upcoming events to commemorate Pregnancy Loss/Remembrance Month soon. Also, please take a few minutes to encourage and pray for this week's Walking With You mamas. Thank you so much for those of you who are still reading!
Love to all...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
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12 comments:
I left something for you on my blog :)
http://footprintsonourhearts.blogspot.com/2010/10/one-lovely-blog-award.html
Thank you for all your love and support. xo
Kelly you expressed your heart so well. I understand so many of those kinds of feelings...and I am praying for you girl.
Love,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits
The feelings you have about your mom's house - I have been having the same about my grandmother's house. She lived across the street from my parent's so we were always there growing up. It is so strange seeing a "for sale" sign in her front yard. I still expect to see her out there working in her garden each time I pass by...
Thinking of you!
It feels like you are saying goodbye again because you ARE saying goodbye again. Losing our loved ones' things is losing a little piece of them all over again.
Our house was burglarized and things were taken. . . things given to me by my father and my first husband. and things given to my husband from his father. All three are deceased. We will get some of these things back but have to set a value on the ones that are gone. How do you set a value on something given to you by one who can no longer give to you? There is much of a person wrapped up in their things.
I'm glad you are enjoying your children!
Oh, Purple Moose...I am so sorry that you were burglarized. That is terrible...and you are right, it is saying goodbye all over again. It is impossible to place a value on those things...because you are right. So much of a person is wrapped up in their things.
Praying for you,
Kelly
Kelly,
I haven't stopped by in a while, but I'm glad I did today. Thanks for sharing your heart and for the encouragement to remember the importance of keeping an eternal perspective on this life which is but a vapor. I can totally understand why seeing your mom's house sell must be hard--I'm sure it feels a little like you are saying goodbye not only to the house itself but also to the many memories that are tied to it. May God strengthen your heart in this emotionally challenging time....
In Christ,
Angela
Kelly this post really touched my heart. I like that you have not let yourself become a collector of things and have recognized the importance of living in the present. I remember a few years ago as my father and I were cleaning out the home of my aunt/uncle who had passed away. Throwing away their memories which meant nothing to us. They never had any children and we didn't have the connection of holding on to many of their items. I have too many items that I hold onto that will mean nothing to my children after I pass. I need to change my path/direction and concentrate on life in a whole new way. Thank you.
I can so relate to your feelings about your mom's house and about not collecting things. I have driven by my mom's house once I think, in the 3 years since my dad sold it. It does remind me that all the stress us ladies have over our houses is just not worth it. One day they will no longer be ours and you are right, we don't take any of it with us, but we do take the relationships we've formed with us. You just put that so well in this post. Sending hugs your way!
First, thank you for the nice comment on my blog this morning.
I have been feeling these same feelings lately. The fall time does it to me. My mind runs through so many childhood memories.
My uncle has been helping me with my move, and it sends so many memories through my mind. Today, he brought me over a side table for my future bed, (my bed was ruined from the flood that was above me,) and it was my grandmas. It's forty years old! Beautiful. I remember it when I was a little girl. I miss her so badly lately. I just haven't written about it. Do you know how many times I have went to go call her, and a few seconds later, realized that I couldn't? It's a horrible feeling.
I think about some health issues that my mother has been having, and makes me realize that a goodbye to her, could come more quickly than I can handle. Praying that the doctor will be able to keep her healthy and that her soul will know where it's going. *sigh* I'm not suppose to talk about it to other people. (Her request)
When I'm driving around enjoying the beauty of the fall leaves, you do pop into my thoughts. I remember how this time of year is difficult for you. I say a pray for God to comfort any pain that you may be feeling.
Take care Kelly. I know that I haven't been around lately, but you know what I've had to deal with these last couple of months. Praying that new doors are opening for me and my sweet children. They deserve it!! I'm just like you.... soaking up every moment with my boys! :)
Love,
Jenny
I'm sure it will be emotional when your mother's house will be occupied by somebody else. I think sometimes we can all use the reminder that these things on earth are just things. We can't take any of them with us.
Wish I could make it to the Napoleon stuff.
Although the circumstances are a bit different, my parents moved out of the house I thought of as "home" last year and it was such a strange feeling. I can totally imagine what you are going through - and then add on a gillion things I probably don't know - and it makes my heart go out to you!
Thinking of you!
Gosh...so many of your words reminded me of when we cleaned my mother's house out...it DID feel like goodbye all over again. There are a lot of things that sort of make me feel that way, but I can say that like you, I'm getting to the point where I realize her things were just reminders of her passing through..precious to me, but not eternal. Over the years, I've whittled her boxes down...each time finding it funny what I felt I needed to keep of hers and now feel like I just need to give away/throw away/ let go...there are some things that never will leave my possession, but the hope of being with HER gets stronger as the need to have her THINGS loses it's grip some...
xoxo
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