SGM Ice Cream Social, Seminars, and Pieces of My Heart

Last Sunday, we held the first annual Sufficient Grace Ministries Ice Cream Social at Harvest Fellowship Church. It was a beautiful, sunny day... a great time for fellowship and ice cream!! Approximately 150 people came to enjoy a picnic-style lunch of hot dogs, baked beans, chips, punch, and ice cream with toppings...yummy! We raised over $700 thanks to the generous giving of our church family and the dear friends who made the time to come and offer their support. We had no idea what to expect for this first attempt. It truly was a leap of faith, but...as always...God is faithful to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. And...His people are pretty cool, too!





Many thanks to Harvest Fellowship...our wonderful church family and our Pastor, whom I adore... to Becki, my partner in crime (ahem...I mean ministry) who did all of the hard work planning, organizing, and "the carrying-out of" this event... Becki's husband, Rob, who grilled 240 hot dogs, Steve and Eulene, who offered their time and food preparation expertise...(and a mean baked bean recipe - thanks Eulene!), and my husband, Tim... who patiently tolerates my scattered chaos, always lends a hand with a humble, willing, hard-working heart, thinks clearly when my brain shuts down from overload, and speaks when I am too humbled to do so and feeling the need to hide behind the ice cream scooper...or whatever else is handy. I really love that man.




Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who supported this event! Not only your generous giving, but also your love and prayers mean more than words can say.

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Yesterday, I presented three seminars at St. Rita's Hospital in Lima, Ohio encouraging hospital staff on the importance of compassionate care and helping bereaved parents to form a lasting, tangible memory of the short time they have with their babies. I have given seminars like this before, and I've shared our story with churches and women's groups, also. Can I just tell you that usually the scenario is an overwhelming spiritual attack the week before the event? I often feel almost crippled by the strength of it, and wonder how on earth I will make myself do this thing I've agreed to do. My own inadequacy stares me in the face and I shrink under it's might. Small...and unable...those are the feelings...along with so many more.

I push through with prayer, and put one foot in front of the other, until I arrive at the destination. And, then...the Holy Spirit meets me there. I am strengthened with a strength that does not come from my own power. He washes over me, lifts my head, straightens my spine, and allows me to soar...as if on eagle's wings. For a brief window of time, I am the person He has created me to be. I am carried, mercifully, in all my inadequate, pathetic lack of glory...and He is glorified. He opens my mouth to tell His story, and to give the most I have of the pieces of my heart to strangers. When I am finished, I am often encouraged and in awe of the grace and faithfulness of my God, emotionally drained...exhausted and plagued with a migraine and an upset stomach from the intensity of it all.

That's how it goes when I tell the story once in a day...

I was about to tell the story three times...in one day...to a staff of nurses, doctors, medical students, chaplains, and social workers.

I'll leave out the details, but this time the attack was mighty, and I was struggling. We had a marathon of events that seemed to be accomplished at the pace of a sprint during the last couple weeks as we were ending the school year (which is also my place of employment where I work one-on-one with special needs students). Between the scheduled events at work for me, the events at school for my own children, baseball and golf tournament season beginning, and the goings-on at Sufficient Grace I felt as my good friend, Brooke, describes...as if I were being spun around in a blender and about to be spit out into summer. Only, I was going to be spit out just in time to do the seminars. And...in the midst of the blender, I needed to prepare.

My son James and I always celebrate the end of the school year and snow days with unabashed glee. And, I'm usually the instigator. On the last day of school, the day before the seminars, I was running to and fro preparing for the seminar and James' baseball game. I'll admit to being quite distracted.

At the end of the day, James said..."Mom, it was the last day of school. And, when I got off the bus, I didn't see 'excited mom'."

No, he saw busy, focused work-mode, distracted, and slightly frazzled mom. =(

I hung my head, and sighed. Then, smiled slightly, "I'm sorry, James. I have one more thing to do, and I promise on Friday, I will be excited mom." We prayed together, and I went back to work on the presentation after tucking him in.

The next morning I rushed to get ready, continued in prayer, punched in the destination on the GPS our son, Timothy purchased so we would no longer get lost (ahem...this is kind of an issue for me), and drove to the hospital just slightly behind schedule but still on time. Due to the fact that I did not listen to the GPS and thought I knew better, I did get lost, and thus arrived later than intended, quite apologetic, feeling the small inadequacy rear it's ugly head, and felt so disappointed that this was the way I would be starting this day. I was gently reminded during my quick, silent prayer, that it wasn't about me. I smoothed my skirt, and set up my computer and other items, preparing to speak, thankful that my lateness afforded a sweet mother who had experienced three losses to share about a support group she started at the hospital. Boy, God's grace is good. And, the GPS story even made for a good ice breaker!

I looked around at the room full of people in front of me and took a breath, as I began to take them on the journey with me. While the words flowed out of my mouth, I was back in that place experiencing once again the yellow ultrasound room where I heard the first dose of bad news about my girls, the cool cloth on my head held by a nurse as I vomited blood and bile, the gentle touch and kind eyes of Dr. Chandler and the courageous compassion of Dr. Marcotte. I watched as they were in that place with me, tears streaming down their faces, heads nodding in understanding. They have walked this path with other mothers. They have seen the grief from the outside, and some have experienced it themselves. Now, they were experiencing it through this mother's eyes.

I poured out my heart, choking back my own tears during a few paragraphs. There is only one way to do this. I could stand there, and stoically tell them what would help, what to say and what not to say...but the only way to truly help them to see the parent's perspective is to take them there with me. And, in order to do that, I must go back to that place. Anything else, they can read in a book...but those words carry weight when you understand exactly how the actions of the caregiver impact the patient. Sometimes you have to walk with a person a little while, before you're ready to hear what they have to say. This is true for other things as well. But, that's another post for another time.

When I was finished, the group showered me with words of encouragement. Many embraced me, sharing a piece of their own journeys and experiences. They have no idea, but many of their words relieved my own areas of weakness. Before I even had a chance to wonder if what I shared was helpful, someone would come up to me and specifically say that it was so helpful. That happened throughout the day. Just as anxiety would start to form in my mind, the very thing I was concerned with would be relieved with someone else's words of encouragement. No doubt...that was not an accident. My Father knows the things I have need of and He answers before I even ask.

When the adrenaline dissipated, exhaustion set in. There were several hours between the first seminar and the second. I went to eat lunch, walked into the mall in my full black suit and heels and walked right back out, visited another hospital, melted a little from the ninety degree heat, called Becki and Lynette, prayed and closed my eyes to rest while sitting in the lobby for a little bit.

The second session was going to be taped for future use. (And, I'm getting a copy to use for Sufficient Grace!!! This is something we've been praying about for awhile. Yay!) I took the podium before a much smaller group. I began the journey once more, feeling slightly less comfortable, but still knowing I was being carried. This group was quiet and left quickly after the presentation.

The third session was shortly after the second. There was a little time, though, to eat the light supper prepared by the hospital (including, to my intense delight, some Cool Ranch Doritos that I couldn't resist!) and to chat with Tamara, the sweet mama I mentioned earlier (who spent the day, weeping and walking with me). Believe it or not, I couldn't finish my Doritos, if that tells you anything about my state by this time of the day. You know, that's saying something!

I was about to learn what it would be like to take this journey three times in one day. A group again filled the room. This time when I opened my mouth to speak, I was even more intensely back in that place than I had been before. It's funny...I wondered if I would be able to do that each time, or if it would grow numb and stale...saying the same thing over and over.

No, the emotion was as fresh as the day it happened...as if it were happening for me all over again, only entwined with the beauty of the grace we've been afforded since that time. All of it ...the pain and brokenness woven into the beautiful, heart-wrenching tapestry of grace and healing. And this time, I could neither hold back my heart nor my tears. It poured forth...everything I have to give...the most sacred pieces of my heart laid bare before these beautiful people. Their tears shed along with mine.

Not only would my heart not remain contained, but neither could my Jesus. I told them, "I hope you don't mind, but I need to share this with you...". Each time prior, I had spoken of God's grace in our story, of course...although much of the focus is on the role of the caregiver and practical advice for the hospital staff during this seminar. But, this time, I couldn't stop myself from sharing the comfort and very real presence of Jesus in the room the day I held my sweet Thomas. I couldn't keep from telling them how God has worked in our marriage, as I shared how men and women grieve differently and it's important to understand and respect that. And, if you're wondering...no...the hospital seminars do not generally include so much of that personal part of our faith and our journey.

When the seminar was over, I wondered if it was O.K. to share all of that. Although, in the moment, I was helpless to stop it. Even as the thought entered my mind, a beautiful, tearful nurse made her way to me and took my hand...looked deeply into my eyes and said, "I want to thank you. Your faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ is what carried you through all of that. And, it really is the only thing that can. It really is the only thing we can give. Thank you for sharing that with us." I felt the Lord whisper to my heart. You have to give them what you have to give...and I am the hope you have to give.

Here's the thing...

I often feel somewhat scattered and struggle with weaknesses, the chief of which is to focus way too much on my own performance as a wife, mom, friend, employee, ministry leader, public speaker, singer, writer...fill-in-the-blank. Time and time again, as my weaknesses are magnified, His glory shines forth and He shows me, faithfully, that His plan will continue to shine forth, regardless of my weakness. All that He needs from me is a willing heart and He is able to make me a vessel to tell His story. Hopefully I'll remember that next time the roaring lion stands before me, making his accusations known.

I have shared much about the emotion and my perspective of the day, but the seminars were well-received and informative for the staff. Following the sharing of my story, I gave a PowerPoint presentation sharing practical ways they can help support families and give opportunities to make a tangible memory. I used many of your suggestions from our blog frog discussion. Thank you all so much for sharing your own experiences. Kathryn...I shared the quote you mentioned about the memories of our nurses, and could tell that really hit home for several of the staff. Many shared that the presentation was very helpful. The chief complaint was that it wasn't long enough!! The staff at St. Rita's was so open to hearing about how they can better support the families in their care. Their hearts of compassion were a blessing to me, and I'm so grateful for the kindness and courage they display everyday as they care for their patients.

Thank you for your prayers...I felt them. And, it was as if many of you were with me. After all, it is my family's story...and it's the Lord's story...but, as you've shared your own journeys... it's your story as well. Thank you for your part in it.

P.S. If you're wondering if "excited mom" made her presence known on Friday, the answer is...YES! Let's just say there was a Slip N Slide involved...lots of deep- belly giggling, and one very sore mama as Saturday dawns!!